Chapter 4

Warnings: Mentally challenged and stupid stuff.

It was early in the afternoon, when crown prince Belphegor strutted into the tiled kitchen of the Varia Manor, frowning. He opened the nearest cupboard. Empty. He opened the next cupboard; he even grabbed a stool to see inside the darkness better. Nothing but pots and pans. Annoyed, he grumbled along with his stomach and got to the fridge. He continued to frown, as he only saw a box of expired cheese, a jar of yucky sour plums, and a nut cake. He was allergic to nuts. The youth almost had the resolve to destroy the fridge and the whole kitchen and its staff with it, seeing as that he was experiencing one of the most cliché situations a hungry man has ever experienced.

Just when he did decide to do so, a silly smile replaced his frown as he saw a plastic container with a sandwich inside.

"Shishi~!" He laughed to himself, taking the container into his welcoming hands. He looked inside the two slices of bread. Lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and mayonnaise. Typical. He sniffed—a prince like him couldn't possibly just eat such a simple peasant sandwich, even if he was hungry.

Then his stomach grumbled.

Grunting in displease, Belphegor tossed the sandwich inside the microwave, reheating it. He supposed even he should be humbled at these desperate, desperate times in which kitchens can't even spare ketchup or potatoes.

He frowned again. He liked potatoes.

"Oi!" Belphegor said as he plopped beside Superbi Squalo at the living room couch.

"What?" Squalo growled. The second in command is apparently as miffed as the prince, but he was in much, much more dire consequences. He couldn't find a good TV program in the middle of the day.

"We don't have food. The prince is hungry. Why the fuck is that?"

"The kitchen staff is away. Lussuria can't get groceries because he's out with the boss fucking up some warehouse with that retarded Pelverotti family—"

"The handlebar moustache gang?"

"Yeah. And I got the maid to buy groceries, she'll be back later. So don't be an asshat until she comes back."

"Tsk." Belphegor slumped back, gazing dumbly at the giant flat screen television flash a news report. A man with perfectly shellacked brown hair solemnly reported that a couple dozen of grown men died by throat-slits somewhere around the area. The teen hummed a bit. That little piece of illegality was his handiwork. At least something turned out satisfying for once this day, honestly! He had been bombarded with stupidities ever since he woke up.

Firstly, he woke up to Squalo "Voi"-ing his throat out because he hadn't passed that shitty mission report on those grown men dying and blah. Belphegor cringed a bit as he remembered that God-forsaken scream waking him up in seven in the morning. "Fuck you Squalo." He murmured quietly.

"Whassat?" The taller of the two apparently found his channel-surfing much more entertaining than listening to the younger one. Belphegor grunted in response, making the present discussion of his hatred void.

Secondly, Mammon has been putting extra-fucking-effort in collecting the money the money he loaned. He even threatened him to make Levi dance in a tutu in front of him—with no stockings, and probably nothing underneath. Belphegor winced at that memory. That baby was evil. And all that crap just because he borrowed some money for some silver-cleaner. So what if it costs a couple of hundred of Euros and that Mammon really needed the money with interest to invest some stupid money earning stocks? He was a prince and his knives deserve princely care for Christ's sake.

And the most recent pain-in-the-ass was the fact that it was lunch time. And his stomach was grumbling like hell. He turned in his seat, grumbling and whining to himself until he saw Levi walk up to him. He grimaced. The fourth stupidity has come, and by God, Belphegor swore that this might even top Squalo's manly banshee screech.

"Come near me and I'll slit your throat." He said seriously, to which Levi swore that the he drank some venom to accompany that threat.

Levi stopped, looking at the fourteen year old quizzically. "Hayato Gokudera is calling you. At the porch phone."

"Hah?"

Levi shrugged and plopped down on Squalo's left. "He says he needs help for something."

"Why me?"

"Actually, he says anybody is fine, but the boss would be coming home soon and I—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you would want to kiss up his fucking ass." Squalo finished for him, annoyed.

As the two grown men responsibly debated as who is more inept and born with shit-for-brains, Belphegor went for the phone. "Yeah?"

"Shit. We got the princely rapist." He heard Gokudera's voice through the receiver.

"Shishi~! Your mom finally decided to tell you, huh? Grandpa."

"FUCK YOU!"

"No thanks. I've already done your mom. What do you want?" He heard a restless sigh.

"We're doing a film for something. But we don't have money."

"Go get Mammon yourself."

"No, we don't want that little shit! Anyway, we don't have a shit load of cash so we can't really afford injuries and other kinds of crap on the set."

"I'm not gonna be your free stuntman, Grandpa."

"Don't call me that!"

"Shishi~! What if I want to?"

"I'll shove dynamite up your mom!"

"I already killed her, dumbass!"

"Well fuck! Anyway, we don't want stuntmen. We just want you to test some stuff on the people over there so that we would know what to expect and recreate."

"Like what?"

"Like scenes with someone drinking something with cow shit in it."

Belphegor frowned. "You want me to this to Squalo?"

"Yeah, sure, whatev—BASEBALL NUT GET YOUR SLEEZY MUTT AWAY FROM ME!" Pause. "You can do it to that scar-face Xanxus for all I care. So you in? I'll message you what you need to do."

"Calm your tits, Grandpa. What's in this for me?"

"We'll let you in the dinner with John's dad."

Belphegor furrowed his invisible eyebrows. "John's dad?"

"What's with that fucking tone—What the hell! You don't know him?"

"Isn't that obvious Grandpa? Or are you getting senile? I can slit off your ears if you want."

"Just try motherfucker, just try. Let's see—CLANG—Oi, stupid woman! Hey! Go see what time Lover's Ending Happiness goes on Rome... Six? Alright...Motherfucker!"

"What?"

"Go watch Lover's Ending Happiness at six, channel nine."

"Why?"

"So you can find out who John's fucking dad is! Anyway, I think I'll be able to send you what you need to do in fifteen minutes. Your number's still the same right?" Grunt. "Right. Yeah. So I—"

Belphegor slammed the phone down in its cradle, and pondered about his situation in silence. The prince huffed and blew an wayward lock of blonde hair back to its respectively messy place. He supposed it would be fine to accept Gokudera Hayato's offer if all the errands he makes him do would result to maiming the receivers—since, well, he does need revenge for the stupidities the rest of the Varia bestowed upon him.

It was by chance that he saw Mammon float up to Levi while lugging a pig plastic bag with a suspicious pink tint in it. It was only when Mammon threw it at the sofa and pink and fuchsia chiffon swamped out that Belphegor made a decision.

They were so getting cow poo in their drinks.

Belphegor watched as the pretty French maid chopped vegetables for the lunch his stomach wants. He would have been impatiently waiting in the dining room, but Hayato has already sent him a short list of what he needs to do along with a few choice picks of colorful, colorful words describing Hayato's feelings to Bel's "Fuckery of hanging up".

He reviewed the list once more. Make someone eat a sandwich with the spiciest sauce you can make, it says.

Pushy.

The fifteen year old grunted, looking in the microwave. His sandwich was still inside, safe and sound, seeing as that he forgot about it when he was meticulously hiding from Levi until Hayato sent the message. Bel punched a few more buttons. A sauce of his specialty and deserving of Squalo's taste buds needed time to make, so he set the timer for twenty minutes on high heat. Why, Squalo should be happy the prince was even bothering with reheating this scummy little sandwich.

The teen leaned towards the maid. "Did you buy those big green and red peppers? Uh..." He squinted at the name tag pierced on the breast of her uniform. "... Adeline?"

Then he had to jump back because Adeline slammed her knife at the cutting board. She tensely turned towards him, eyes squinted in joy and mouth tightly upturned. Bel thought she looked like a high female Joker with thinner red lipstick.

"... Well?"

"But zof course Master Belphegor!" She said in that thin, shrilly voice, maintaining that scary son of a bitch smile. "In zee vegetable compartment!"

"What about chilly sauce?"

"Oh we have zat too Master Belphegor! Anzything elze you'd like zu ask me? Before I loze my mind with all your stupid American orderz, zof course."

"What? The prince is not Ame—"

"Ooh! I have one! You want me zu clean your ztripper hole, yes?" She shouted. "Or-or how 'bout I make you your very own hooker robot zat makes zose unlimited bacon?! You like zat, yes? You savages!"

And with that, the dumbfounded fifteen year old watched with an open mouth as the maid cried a waterfall and ran away to the servant stairs, leaving her veggies half chopped.

"Squ-chan!" Bel called through the close door. Just in case Levi was planning a surprise ballet performance.

"Voi! Don't call me that, you brat! We aren't even in Japan, for fuck's sake."

"Your maid broke."

"What the hell," he heard him mutter loudly, "fuck, that's the third time this week."

"Maybe you shouldn't keep on lending them to the boss in the middle of the night!" Belphegor shouted, beginning to scour through the now packed fridge. Squalo responded wittily with a long string of words that even a genius like him couldn't comprehend. 'Course, maybe it was because Squalo wasn't breathing or pausing between words.

His stomach grumbled. Cursing, he grabbed a packet of chips, stuffing them in his pocket. He could eat after Squalo gets his well deserved dish. But first and foremost, he needs stuff.

Seeing that the chilly sauce, bell peppers, black peppers, vinegar, fish innards, watermelon, mayonnaise, ketchup, food coloring, asparagus, vanilla essence, sports drink, wasabi, raw mushrooms, everything else that Squalo would hate in one plate, and that bottle of weird clear stuff he found in his Boss's room was all where it should be, Belphegor laughed in utter mirth—especially when he saw a food processor lying in wait at the counter and the fact that the expired box of cheese and the sour plums weren't thrown away yet.

"Squ-chan! Get another maid! I'm hungry!"

"I don't have another maid, prince-bitch! I'm gonna call that pizza place for food."

Belphegor sniffed. It would be a little harder to cover up his little scheme, but what the hell, he dutifully acquired all the ingredients for his sure-to-be-spicy sauce and dumped them in the food processor, which he made to start right after.

"What's that sound?" He heard Levi say in the middle of processing the food to look like chunky vomit sauce.

"Ushishi, your mom found her vibrator!" Bel shouted back. Not waiting for Levi's totally awesome response, he opened the microwave, which was done with the sandwich a few minutes ago. The sandwich now looked liked it was raped because it was all soggy in moisture. Disgusted, he used a pair of tongs to throw it in a plate. With the top bread aside, he took his knife and swabbed the slightly chunky mixture in.

Belphegor almost felt sorry for Squalo when he squished the top bread on his masterpiece and it made that sound he supposedly hears around Xanxus's room in the dead of the night.

Almost.

"Squ-chan~!" He screeched as he went towards the living room.

"VOIIII! What is it this time?!"

"That maid from earlier finished some sandwiches. You want it?" He casually held out the seemingly normal looking sandwich.

Squalo glowered. "Why didn't you eat it?"

"I already ate mine. And Levi's."

"Hey!"

Squalo, obviously tired and hungry from sitting on his ass all day with nothing to eat, took the sandwich and asked nothing more of it until he realized the heat it emitted. "Why the fuck is this shit so hot?"

"Like hell I'd know," was all the fifteen year old said as he walked away towards upstairs. He could hardly contain his excitement, albeit he didn't look it. Hayato said that he has to describe to him what exactly happened, Belphegor says it would be much easier with videotaping it. So he took the camcorder he also found in Xanxus's room.

The upstairs has a nice big opening for the living room. The opening was fenced with banisters, and those banisters were bombarded with furniture.

Belphegor settled himself in a hudden spot between two pieces of furniture, propping the camcorder beside him and began to film.

Squalo nonchalantly raised the sandwich to his lips. Bel smiled.

The said man was about to take a bite and savor the goodness chef Bel created when that freaky maid came rushing in the room. Each of her cheeks were painted with two thick lines of red.

"AIIIIEEEEE!" She yelled, banging two pots together as she charged towards the grown men watching football. One of which was busy hollering at the screen.

"Uh, Squalo, your mai—"

"Shut up, Levi!" Squalo snapped. "They're gonna make a touch—THUMP."
And he fell to the coffee table, unconscious, with a pot rolling around him.

"HEY! You crazy maid! What do you think you're doing—THUMP."

"HAHAHAHA! GUFFAW! GUFFAW!" Adeline jumped up and down in manic glee, holding Squalo's sandwich. Bel raised a well-polished knife. He supposed if he killed her now, he could still convince Squalo that it was all a dream and that he should eat his sandwich. But of course. In a fucking typical day like this, Adeline chomped down a bite and swallowed.

She stumbled a bit. The taste finally setting in, she placed a hand on her mouth. Adeline looked green. Very green. Now she looked yellow.

"Ugh… uh… my fucking head…" Squalo stirred and looked up. "VOOOIIIII! CRAZY BITCH!"

"Mmph!"

"I'M GONNA CUT YOU OPEN AND LUG YOUR CARCASS DOWN AT NAPLES, AND THAT'S MY SANDWICH, YOU FUCKING—OOPMH!" Adeline forcefully choked some of the sandwich down Squalo's throat, who took it immensely well until he started screaming and started swallowing. Now he can barely talk.

Belphegor furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, and pouted when even Levi got to taste it and all three of them gagged down the carpet.

Maybe he should've put more wasabi.

Then he wondered if that bottle of clear liquid labeled "lube" has got anything to do with them gagging and not breathing a hell of an inferno.

Seeing as that Squalo, Levi, and Adeline are still gagging weird blobs of red, Belphegor hurriedly propelled himself, his snack and the camcorder upstairs—away from Squalo's swords and Levi's tutu and Adeline's pots.

Then he heard a door slam.

"Boys, we're home~! Boys! What on Earth happened? Why are you barfing and—Ah, boss! Look at what you've done to Squalo's maid!"

"Why the fuck are you blaming me? She said she was sterile. Oi, you trash, go do that in the bathroom before I find a bottle of tequila to crack against your fucking skull."

"Tsk, tsk, you boys really should hurry! Look at what you're doing to that premium rug Mammon bought from some dealership in Russia—"

"What is happening to my ten thousand Euro rug?"

"Oh Mammon—"

Belphegor did not stay long enough to hear the little squirt spite out his evil fury on Squalo, Levi and Adeline. He didn't even wait to hear Squalo weakly say that it was his fault. Oh no. He locked himself in his room, and hurriedly sent the video over. He was quickly messaged back with an order to get them to feel sick and go to China with blindfolds on.

He sighed.

He was still hungry, the day wasn't even close to ending, and he's already putting himself up for suicide. He shook his head as he gathered supplies. Suicide was much easier.

Gokudera Hayato just better hope that John's dad is worthy of the prince's presence and interest, or he swore to God that he's gonna send over Mammon's threat—Levi in a tutu and nothing underneath.

Gokudera Hayato was soon proved to be respectful citizen at around six PM when Belphegor has sent them to China, straight to the doctors, and shortly made them work as factory workers, for something called butt plugs, with fake sage sideburns on (as per orders) and got them a flight back; to which all results to Belphegor indifferently sitting in front of the television, watching the aforementioned TV show while waiting for the rest of the Varia to get back and destroy his guts.

The face of a crying Beth, a Maria Leslova lying on a hospital bed, and a certain Anna wearing her doctor scrubs flashed upon his screen.

"Oh! Oh Maria! Don't! You must hang on. You know I can't live without you, oh Maria!"

"But I don't even know who you are! I'm so sorry Beth. I'm so sorry… so… sorry…"

"Maria? Maria! Maria wake up! Anna, cure her! Cure her please! I can't take this any longer!"

"Beth, you know my team and I will do everything in our power to save her these fainting episodes are inevitable, so don't cry Beth. Don't cry."

"How can I not cry?! Oh Anna! This is… This is all my fault. I should have never taken her from Joh—"

"Stop it Beth! You're being a bitc—"

"VOOOIIIIIII! PRINCE BRAT! PREPARE YOUR FUCKING ANUS BECAUSE I'M GONNA PUSH FUCKING BUTT PLUGS UP—What… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?!"

"Piss off sharky."

"Sharky?!"

"Bel! Mou, how could you make us go to China? I was supposed shop tonight and—Is that Lover's Ending Happiness? Oh I almost missed it! Scoot over!"

By then, Belphegor has his nonexistent eyes stuck at the television, arms curled around a couch pillow, and one hand snuck up to his mouth to let him bite his fingernails. He deftly moved to the left, without even looking away.

And all Squalo could do was gape as the other men (and baby) began their manic exaltations and threats, which all consisted of butt plugs and mustaches for some reason. They all gaped a bit too when Belphegor didn't even move an inch to acknowledge them only to watch that damn soap opera.

"Motherfuck, Bel. Are you crying?!" Bellowed Squalo after a few minutes of silence, when he thought he saw a single tear run down the youth's cheek.

"No!" was all Belphegor could snarl before turning his complete and undivided attention to the television screen. For he was sure that the prince has found his happy place.

"You scum, are you turning into a faggot?!"

"Boss! Sit down and be quiet, I can't hear Anna." Lussuria patted at the spot beside him, expectantly looking at Xanxus to comply to his wishes.

The rest of them don't know why, and they never did question why, but when Xanxus begrudgingly sat down and watched the soap in awkwardness, the rest of them began to watch as well.

And they never regretted it.

"Levi, call the pizza place, we need dinner."

"You get dinner, Mammon!"

"Motherfucking go get the pizza, Christ!"

"Alright, alright!"

"Hurry it up, you piece of trash, and get me wine while you're at it."

"Yes boss!"

"Why is Adeline here?"

"Heee… Heee…" she wheezed, "Oh I zu wonder when John iz going zu zave Maria! Ah~!"

"Okay…"

"Shush it, boys! I think John coming in!"

"Beth! How could you do this?!"

"Oh John! I'm so sorry! I just want Maria for myself and I just… oh I'm sorry! John! Everything's falling apart!"

"Speak no more. My father will take care of this. But where is my Maria? Where is she? Anna! Tell me where she is!"

"Son!"

"John's dad!" Belphegor exclaimed quietly to himself.

"Oh. I love that guy."

"You watch Lover's Ending Happiness too, Levi?"

"Huh? N-No way! I mean… just look at that… uh… the way he stands! It's totally like the boss!"

"I would have shot you in your balls by now if only he wasn't such a goddamned badass," Xanxus said, extremely liking how John's dad presents himself.

"Hey, isn't that bitch Beth pregnant?"

"She is, Squalo."

"I bet the dad is John."

"No you fucktard, it's obviously the Mexican neighbor."

Adeline clapped her hands, fawn brown eyes gleaming. "The dad is John's dad!"

There was a pause as the Varia stared at each other. They were captivated by the show itself, now they were captivated by the wise words spoken by the French help.

"Oohhhh."

"Alright," Levi uttered as he walked in with a big bottle of wine and a glass. "Who ate the sandwich with the experimental mayonnaise in it? You guys know that thing was made from baby oil."

The moon shown bright and full, its silvery light falling through Gokudera Hayato's window, illuminating his surroundings as he peacefully slept. There was no sound but the wind and the trees rustling. It was late, very late, and his body was tired from directing the most awesome film ever! Lambo did cause him trouble when he didn't agree to go into the plane that navigates to a desolated island with an abandoned factory, but the thought of soon dining with John's dad has made him motivated, and it even made him sleep like a baby.

Then his phone rang.

Grumbling, he reached for it. There was a message sent from Italy, from Belphegor. He sniggered as he read the contents of the message filled with praise for John's dad and the whole of Lover's Ending Happiness.

His respect for the blonde sadist even rose a bit when he saw that they share the same sentiments about Beth. Nobody ever liked that chick.

Hayato snuggled back to his bed. Hay Gogh has fallen into the greatest sleep on the second greatest day he ever lived. The first was when he became Tsuna's right hand man, of course.

He even got the greatest dream ever! He was in a wonderland ruled by Tsuna and filled with right hand man activities, Yamamoto Takeshi was only a janitor, Haru has tape on her mouth, and Lambo was far, far, far away. And then there was—

"Aggghhh… Gokudera…" Thump. Thump. Thump.

His eyes shot open and he jumped on his bed, holding clumps of dynamite in each fist as he forced his eyes to adjust to the dark.

It was a low voice, filled with inhumane pain. And lots of footsteps.

He cursed to himself. "I forgot to get this place exorcised and destroyed! God dammit!"

Hayato wanted to be brave, to stand tall and to fight whatever that ghost thing is, that's why he didn't yell like a woman in labor. Yet. But that was only because he hoped with all his fragile might that he was still dreaming when he heard it.

When a dark figure in a cloak loomed over him, he shrieked, threw all of his dynamite to wherever the voice may be and opened the window, forgetting that it was even lit.

The figure could only watch as he screamed weird prayers and something about hiring a bulldozer.

"But Gokudera!" Yamamoto Takeshi tried to scream in his raspy voice. The poor lad didn't quite react nicely to the sauce in the sandwich he had to eat earlier. Though he was glad he didn't really gag like the people on the video Gokudera shown them. Unlike the said boy, the day wasn't so nice for him. The night wasn't too friendly either. It was so cold, he had to wrap himself with the thickest blanket he could find.

"Gokudera!" He still tried to call after the shorter teen, who was now going ninja and hopping through roof and roof to escape the haunted house. "Our house was already exorcised! And you said you can't go home because your sister is still at your place! Gokudera!"

But the ninja wannabe was already a house away.

And when Yamamoto tried to call him, introducing himself quickly first, Gokudera only responded with a, "It ate Baseball nut! Sorry, I thought you were an evil spirit. What offering would you like?"

Chapter 4 END