Author's Note: After a lot of drafting and redrafting , the 16th chapter is finally finished. I truly hope it fills all your expectations.
Chapter 16
A Man's Grief.
Mulan and Shang rode silently side by side heading towards the Fa home. Earlier they had shared an argument about the way she folded Shang's clothes. What started as a simple suggestion on Shang's part became the ultimate drama between them. Mulan had assumed the comment had a reproachful undertone, so she told Shang he should do it himself. The argument had been completely pointless, and the son of the late General Li preferred to leave her alone before he could say anything to make things worse. Lately they had been arguing too much about nonsense, and he just did not know what to say to her or how to treat her anymore considering she would take things the wrong way. Nevertheless, he prepared his horse to join her visit home.
When they reached the outskirts of Mulan's hometown, Shang decided to make amends with her by starting a conversation.
"General Wan invited us for dinner tomorrow," he began in a gentle voice.
Mulan turned to him. "What for?" He could still sense she was not through with their earlier argument.
"I don't know, he just said he wanted to see us," he said patiently.
"Oh," she interjected revealing her lack of interest on the matter.
"I think it would be nice to go out together for a change, it would be a good distraction for you. You have been spending most of the time at home."
"Do I have a choice?" It really annoyed him when she replied with bitter sarcasm. It made him feel like he had enslaved her to marriage. As far as he knew she had not been forced, she had willingly accepted his proposal and it had been her who had made the promise to abdicate her place in the army , yet he felt guilty about it; as if he held her spirit hostage.
"I never implied you don't, but it would be very impolite to refuse his invitation," he reasoned. His tone hurt by her derisive incrimination. He was growing tired of these twisted wordplays.
"Then go yourself. You ARE the General."
"And you are MY WIFE." He truly intended to emphasize the fact that being his wife was just as important as her being a soldier, not necessarily declare she was his possession. Nevertheless, Mulan considered the latter option.
"I cannot serve in the army but I have to go to the stupid dinners."
"Is that what this is all about?" By now his patience was completely gone.
"You know how I hate going to those dinners, having to make conversation with women I have nothing in common with while you diss me ."
"I don't diss you! You know how important it is for me to relate with the other generals."
"Yeah gambling at mah jong is very important!"
"It's not about the gambling! I need to be in good terms with all the officials."
"Of course, it's more important to have a good relationship with THEM and not YOUR WIFE"
"Then perhaps MY WIFE should make the effort not to get so irritated about everything I say, and stop pretending she's asleep when I want to make the wind and the rain with her." His voice had risen to the limit.
"Yes, 'cause that's why we got married! All you ever want to do with me is THAT!"
"Damn it! You are impossible!" He yelled throwing his arms in frustration, "We used to do it every day and you never complained. You wanted it as much as I did!"
For a moment, she found no good argument to that. He was right, no doubt. Things were so different before she had the miscarriage.
"Well I'm tired," she finally said. Her pitch had somehow weakened.
"Tired of what? Staring at the ceiling while you lay in bed all day?"
"Stop it!"
"Don't you shut me up! I get to have the last word because I am the man and I deserve my wife's respect."
He had never been so hard on her. He knew he had not married a quiet and obedient woman, but lately he just found it hard to maintain their relationship harmonious. He had been struggling with her distant behavior. He was not upset because she had silenced him, it simply hurt him how easy she would snap at him and push him away. The young general was hurt deeply, but he knew no other way with dealing with his pain other than to conceal it. He had been taught to appear strong no matter what, and the only way he could achieve that was through intimidation. He felt a wave of guilt rush over him, there was no need to yell at her. They were not in the military. He was not her commanding officer anymore
They remained silent the rest of the way. When they reached the Fa home, Shang dismounted his horse first and offered his hand to help Mulan down Khan, but she turned the other way and dismounted on her own.
Fa Zhou opened the large wooden door for them. He approached his daughter and let her embrace her. She held him tight just the way she would when she was a girl and something was troubling her. The elder man patted her back, and raised his eyes to meet Shang's who bowed respectfully. He sensed there was tension between the young couple. Mulan and her father pulled away and he moved aside so they would lead the horses into the stables. It scared Shang how his wife and her father would communicate without words. Perhaps he should have let her come alone. He shook his head, he was not a coward.
"I'll let your mother know you're here," Fa Zhou announced.
Inside the stables Shang took advantage of the privacy they had there and decided he should apologize for yelling at her earlier, regardless of his pride.
"Listen Mulan," he began, "I shouldn't have said that."
"But you did," she replied coldly, her back on him.
"Can we just pretend we are fine in front of your family?" he offered, " You can yell at me all you want at home."
"Fine," she uttered making her way out without waiting for him to follow.
Just then Mulan's mother and grandmother appeared on the stable doors. Granny Fa went straight to embrace Shang while Fa Li greeted her daughter.
"Look at you," her mother chided her softly, "You look slimmer than the last time I saw you. Are you eating properly?"
"Child it should be the other way around," Granny Fa declared and turned to Shang whose face flushed . "Aren't you two working on giving me a great grandchild?" Some things were just meant for them to keep them private.
"Mama!" exclaimed Fa Li anxiously.
"Anyhow, Li Shang you must make sure she eats properly."
"Yeah…I've been telling her…" he cut himself off at the sight of Mulan's look of disapproval.
"Well, you got here just in time for a meal," said Fa Li.
Shang gestured Mulan to walk in front of him politely.
They all sat around the wooden table. Mulan helped setting the table, and Fa Li served them rice and pork in their bowls. The youngest woman took her seat next to her husband.
"So," Fa Zhou finally spoke up, "It's been a year since you two got married." He turned to his son-in-law who swallowed his food as fast as he could to utter a comment.
"Yes indeed, sir."
The young general then reached for his wife's hand and placed his on top of hers affectionately. She could feel his sweat knowing it made him nervous to be around his father-in-law. If she weren't still upset about the conversation they had before they arrived, she would have squeezed his hand reassuringly, but instead she simply faked a smile. It did not take her long to slip her hand out of his to continue eating.
"I truly hope you both are happy," Fa Zhou went on, "cause the heavens know marriage is not easy, but it does require a constant effort on both sides."
Mulan looked up at her father wondering if and how her father knew about the constant bickering between them. Shang, in turn, kept putting food in his mouth nervously. He felt he had failed his father-in-law, for his daughter deserved more than him being away most of the time working.
"We try, baba," she spoke up.
"All the struggle you both endure together will make you stronger, and one day when you are older you will look back and see what you learned."
For a moment the young couple turned to each other with the intention of reassuring each had heard the elder man's words.
Later Fa Zhou changed the conversation to the current situation in the country.
"So what news can you give us about China, are we safe?"
Shang pondered for a moment an answer. He knew the middle kingdom's relationships with the other kingdoms were waning.
"Well, we are working on negotiations with the other kingdoms to keep their allegiances."
Fa Zhou nodded in understanding.
"That explains why we haven't seen much of you lately."
"Mulan have you been going with Shang too?"asked her mother concerned.
"Oh…no…we agreed I wouldn't." Her discomfort was evident to all the people present. She couldn't bear answering more questions. She knew her parents were suspicious something was not right, but she did not have the strength to face them, so she excused herself and left the kitchen.
Three pairs of eyes were fixed on Shang. He assumed they were expecting him to go after her, or present them an explanation. He preferred to follow her. Fa Zhou had also stood up to make sure his daughter was fine, but the ladies eyed him in a way they suggested he should let his son-in-law deal with whatever needed to be resolved.
Shang found Mulan sitting on the bench under the cherry blossom tree, her favorite spot to ponder. She looked up and saw her husband coming her way.
He took a seat at the end of the bench, keeping some distance between them. Uncertain if he should apologize again, he searched for accurate words to begin a conversation.
"I just can't continue pretending we are fine," she confessed.
"It's hard," he agreed, "your parents definitely seem to sense we are not exactly in the best of terms right now."
She smiled weakly.
"We shouldn't have come," she observed.
"We shouldn't have argued before coming," he remarked.
"We should've ended the nonsense," she continued. At last she had turned to face him, which somehow made him smile openly. How much she loved to see him smile, it always gave her a warm feeling within.
"I just worry about you," Shang went on, "I am concerned about your happiness. I don't want you to feel imprisoned. I know we had an agreement, but I guess I can be flexible."
Mulan nodded knowing he meant every word.
"It was my fault anyway," she began, "I haven't been myself lately."
He had no argument to her last statement.
"I just feel there is something different with you. Something that wasn't there before I left," he sighed trying to relieve himself as he remembered how blissful he had felt with her the first months of their marriage. They had had quarrels then, but they ended quickly. He did not want to lose her. Silenced reined between them for a while.
"Shang," she whispered hesitantly. "Something DID happen while you were away." He saw the anguish grow in her eyes, fearing the worst was not over.
"Whatever it is," he spoke up nervously, "remember we agreed we wouldn't keep things from each other." He placed one hand underneath hers and the other one on top patting it gently trying to reassure her, and at the same time reassure himself. Various things came to his mind, among them that Mulan had betrayed him.
He was right, after all he had all the right to know. She mustered some courage from within, and finally spoke up "I…I …I lost our baby." The sentence had finally been uttered.
Shang let go off Mulan's hand and slowly moved away from her on the bench. He expected everything, and yet it was the last thing that crossed his mind.
"What do you mean?" he asked trying to confirm what she had previously confessed. Amid his heavy thoughts, perhaps he had heard wrong.
"I had a miscarriage."
He was speechless and shocked. His gaze was lost and he did not dare move. At first he wondered how and when she got with child, and then he wondered why he had never been informed of it.
"Shang, please talk to me."
He came back from his trance and glowered at Mulan. If only she had not challenged the gods and the ancestors by claiming she was not ready to have a child.
"You were p..pr..pregnant?"
She nodded guiltily.
"You never said anything to me," he fumbled for words, "I should have known…you should have told me." Before there was time for her to explain, he finished, "I can't believe you did this to me."
He stood up. As Mulan reached for his hand he pulled it away from her immediately, as if he felt repulsed by her. The young general headed towards the stables in a fast pace, and she followed.
"Shang, I can explain." A painful memory was brought to their minds. But he was too hurt and angry with the current events to linger on their past.
"Explain what?" He finally faced her, his eyes stone cold, " How you lied to me? How you defied the heavens into losing our child?" He turned his back on her and readied himself to mount his stallion. Mulan placed a hand on his shoulder behind him.
"Please. I did not know what to do."
"I can't be with you right now." He pulled away from her violently , and pushed her aside.
"Don't you follow me!" With those last words said, Shang and his horse left the stable, and then the Fa home. He pressed his heels on his steed's barrel to increase its speed. He rode with no direction.
Mulan watched him ride away clutching her shoulder. He had never used his physical strength against her, unless they were sparring. But she knew he was always careful. It was not the bruise itself that wound her, it was the fact it had been him who provoked it.
Shang's mind was clouded in anger.
Anger towards her.
Anger towards her betrayal.
How could she not tell him?
It was his child too.
Once he dismounted a horse, he found a tree where he stuck his pocket knife. He had the need to destroy something to release his pain. He groaned angrily as he felt a sudden pull within his heart, as if something had been snatched away from him, and all he could do was to watch helplessly. He slid the knife down the tree, making some bark peel away from the trunk.
A loud thunder broke the silence. Soon heavy rain began to fall.
Shang sank to his knees in defeat. The day his mother passed away was the day he had lost his sense of belonging to a family. True, he had his father; nonetheless, they hardly ever spent time together as father and son. Most of the time, Shang had to address his father by his rank, and they seldom held a conversation other than military strategies, weapons, and martial arts.
With Mulan he had found an illusion of belonging to a family once again. But now it all seemed to be in the verge of being lost. Lately, his wife could not even look him in the eyes out of shame, and now he learned she had lost a child. What if she could not bear him children? Would he have to take another woman? Life was too unfair.
He knew his wife better. She may have kept things a secret, but she must have had a good reason. Sometimes he wished he could understand all the underlying implications of her behavior. Some husband he turned out to be, he wasn't worthy of her trust.
His anger towards her was transferred into himself. He knew perfectly well he was definitely not innocent. The way he treated her sometimes made no wonder she had decided to keep things to herself. How could he have been so insensitive?
Mulan was his family. He had promised to make her happy, and yet had failed her.
His thoughts returned to the being who never got to be born, and he wondered if he would have been a good father to him. He would have taught him to defend him or herself, and most importantly he would have taught him about honor and devotion.
A single tear travelled down his face.
Author's Note: Thank you so much for following the story. I've still got more in store to continue writing. Please let me know what you think so far.
Special Thanks to:
Abbyreads: Thanks for the observation. I really appreciate it.
Mi li ya mu: Thanks for reading everything so far. It's been a pleasure to meet someone like you.
I-love-Mulan 13: Indeed, it's been one of the hardest things she's ever done. And now admitting it out loud made it more real for her than it already was. Thanks.
Starzinmyeyez : Thank you
jenna zabala : done.
Alice Prince: I really hope it was better
Icy Spark: Thanks. Sorry for the delay though.
tinemelk: it was very hard on him as well.
candyredlove: granted working on the next one as well.
TonyxZivaxforeverrrxox: thank you so much for reading I really appreciate it.
queenofwaves: thank you so much for the encouragement.
Phantasmicdragon: Your review came in such perfect timing. It means a lot to me when people take the time to encourage me to keep writing. I really enjoy it, and I most certainly will. Once again, thank you so much.