A/N Thankyou thankyou thankyou to everyone read, reviewed, favourited and followed! you are amazing and i didn't expect anyone to even be interested so thankyou! I wasnt going to write another chapter but I AM NOW because I was bored and sort of drunk one day so I was all why not, so sorry if this chapter is pretty fuckin random but the last one was too so eh i guess.

Also remember, all spelling/grammatical mistakes are intentional.

commence reading!

Disclaimer: I do not in fact own Harry Potter, fellow bitchez n hoez.

Chapter 2: The Subtle Science Of Potion-Making

The first day of classes dawned with a bright blue sky and the sounds of birds a-singing. Lily was feeling chipper and dandy as she skipped gaily down the corridors of Hogwarts, off to breakfast in the great hall.

SUDDENLY! Lily was suddenly spear-tackled from behind, and as she landed on the floor, she looked up to see Mulciber and Avery sneering down at her with sneering faces.

"Goodness me," said Lily, "that was a really great tackle you did there; do you practice karate in your spare time?"

Mulciber and Avery looked confused. "What is Karate?"

"Oh, it's just this sport that Japanese muggles do, it's like professional fighting." Lily explained to them.

"Sounds pretty cool," said Mulciber, looking interested.

"Yeah." Agreed Avery.

"So, how's your morning going?" Said Lily casually.

"Oh you know, typical first day. You?" asked Mulciber.

"Alright so far, I was just on my way to breakfast just then when you spear-tackled me."

Then Mulciber had a sudden realisation. "That's right! Ahem – EVANS!"

Lily jumped on her spot on the floor, startled by the sudden topic change.

"YOU FILTHY MUDBLOOD, YOU! I SHALL CURSE YOU NOW!11" Mulciber continued.

"Oh, right, I forgot that was what we were doing." Said Avery, raising his wand at Lily also. "PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Oh em geee!" Lily cried, startled. "This is an unexpected twist that I did not expect, and also, I am surprised!" She cowered dramatically against the floor, tensing her body and screwing her eyes shut in preparation for the oncoming attack.

Mulciber's wand was also raised, and he was gearing up to send a curse (probably Avada Kedavra, ya'll know how shit is) when, SUDDENLY! Lily looked up and saw a figure clad in black, swinging towards her on a vine and yelling a Tarzan-esque attack call. Before she knew it, she had been lifted off the ground by the hero and had found herself through a tapestry and in a secret passageway. She got up, dusting off her clothes, and looked up at her saviour.

He had a hood over his face, so she couldn't see who it was, but then he asked, "Are you okay?" and she thought that she recognized the voice.

"I'm fine, thanks. Who are you?"

He then waved his hands in front of his face dramatically sort of like the penguins in that movie Madagascar and said, "You didn't see anything…" then, suddenly, he backflipped through the tapestry, and when she hurried after him to the corridor beyond, he was nowhere to be seen.

"My hero…" she mused, her heart clenching in wonderment.

Later that day, James Potter was in potions, doing an all-round shit job of his work, while Sirius sat next to him eating cake and winking at the females of the class in such quick succession that he looked like he had an eye twitch.

"Can I borrow your owl, mate?" said James, turning to Sirius with a hopeful expression on his Quidditch-toned face.

"What for?" said Sirius, turning to look at James, his eye still twitching.

"Er…" James was finding it hard to concentrate on his reasoning, for Sirius' twitchy eye was distracting him greatly. "For the potion."

Remus chose that time to butt into the conversation, looking out of the ever present eyeholes of his book and chopping roots for his potion at the same time. "James, why are you putting an owl in your potion?"

"Because it says an owl feather, and I think it'll be even better if I use a whole owl." James said, as if this were completely obvious.

"Yeah, sure, Prongsyweewee, you can of course use my owl." Said Sirius and his twitching eye, obviously not seeing the fault in James' master plan.

"Sirius! No! It will kill your owl!" Remus yelled, horrified. "No wonder you are as shite as a piece of Quidditch-toned shite in a toilet at potions, Prongs. I can't believe you're taking it in NEWT levels."

"I am an independent woman, and I don't need no man to tell me not to do potions, mm-hmmmmmm!" said James.

"Whatever. Just don't use a whole owl, a feather will do."

"Whatever, beyotch."

The conversation ended there and the boys (bar Sirius) went back to their potion-making. But then! Slughorn's voice called out through the din, "James Potter, see me after class ya'll!"

James was as horrified as six-hundred horrified things. "Sir! I did-n do nothang!"

Slughorn ignored him.

Lily, who was sitting in the row in front of the boys, then turned around with a happy expression on her face, pointing at James. "Heee heeeeee hardy harr! You're in troubleeeee"

James sulked in his seat, then, realising just who it was who was talking to him, popped up suddenly in his seat from excitement. "Oh, my Lily-shrub! You are talking to me, and it feels sooo gooooooddd!" he practically sung the last part of the sentence.

Lily looked at him in disgust. "That is disgusting." She said, a disgusted look on her face.

Sirius then piped up, surprisingly, saying, "That's what your mum said when you were born!"

Lily blanched. Everyone else within earshot turned around in surprise at the surprisingly good comeback that Sirius had randomly busted out with.

"OHHH, BUUURRRRNNN!" Sirius yelled, getting up out of his seat and covering his mouth with one hand, and grabbing his crotch with the other, bopping his head and doing the "oohh burrnnn" dance, dancing like a gangsta on gangsta tablets.

"Run cool water over the burn to soothe!" said Remus, getting up and dancing the dance with Sirius, except still reading his book.

"Boom-Shakalacka!" Yelled Peter, getting up to join in, but before he could begin his dance, Sirius had punched him in the oesophagus and he fell to the ground, knocked out.

No-one seemed to notice, and went on with what they were doing; Remus and Sirius dancing, Lily looking murderous, and James looking torn between joining his friends and sticking up for the lurrrve of his life.

James' Quidditch-toned brain seemed to make a decision then, for he jumped up with his mates, covering his Quidditch-toned mouth with his Quidditch-toned hand and begun, "BURRRRRRRR-"

But suddenly, he was interrupted by Lily throwing him her most horriblest look she had ever given anyone EVER at him and yelling, "IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAY BURRRNNNN, JAMES POTTER, THEN CONSIDER YOURSELF NEVER TALKED TO BY ME AGAIN AND ALSO I'LL KILL YOU WITH FIRE!111" her eyes seemed to blaze with pure evil fire and hatred as she yelled.

This look scared James, but it also turned him on a little. He hesitated, then, in his fear of death by fire he rambled, "BURRRRRRR-ITO! BURRITO! I really feel like a burrito. Opinion, Lily-fern? Do you like burritos? I know I do. Sometimes, when I'm sad, I think of burritos. I really think that they're really great. Did you know they're from Mexico? Or something? Sometimes they have rice in them, you know. I like to eat burritos. Sometimes, when I've eaten so many that I'm full but there's still some left, I like to put them up my-"

"JAMES!" Lily screamed, throwing her hands wildly in the air in distress after listening to James' ramble and worrying about what he was about to say, "WE GET THE PICTURE!"

"Oh. Right." James slowly lowered his Quidditch-toned self down into his chair shamefully, and begun to work again on his potion.

Meanwhile, Sirius, after laughing heartily at James' rambling and all-round failure at life and also his own joke that was STILL funny, returned to his chair next to where Remus had already returned, reading a book and adding unicorn anus to his potion.

"Oh man, I wish I had some chicken up in here," said Sirius, to no-one in particular.

Then, suddenly, something happened that made Sirius' world and everything he held dear to himself tip upon its axis.

"Testify, sista! Some chicken is exactly what we need up in dis crib."

Sirius looked up from his musings towards the impossible voice with the words that were like a rainbow taking a fairy dust dump on his head and pissing molten gold, for that is how wondrous he thought they were.

It was Mary, Lily(OFFLIMITS)'s best friend. He, of course, had noticed her general porn-starness before; her skinny body and totally real double-d breasts and extremely outgoing personality just like his and her eyes that were like you know when the sun sets over a desert and the desert is all like red and brown and all these other colours and stuff that is what her eyes were like.

He was in pure bliss.

He couldn't believe that such a woman could connect with him on this level.

She was smiling at him. He smiled back, a rare Sirius smile that no one saw because he was the king of angst except for all the time when he's high on lollies.

She was intrigued by the smile, though she did not want him to notice, so she turned back.

Once she turned back around, Sirius felt like someone had forcefully teared out his liver with a hand made of needles and replaced it with a grenade, for not only was he unable to bathe in the light of the heavenly glow that her facial features created, he also felt as if she had shunned him by turning away.

The end of potions had finally arrived and James was currently attempting to escape before Slughorn remembered that he had asked him to stay after class. Unfortunately, just as James had made his break for the door, Slughorn yelled, "James! Get back here!"

James slumped his Quidditch-toned shoulders in defeat and sighed, turning back and heading for his potions master's desk.

"Now, James – " But before Slughorn could begin, James interrupted him.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!"

"No, no… you're not in trouble." Slughorn shook his head and smiled at James a little, and continued, "I just think that you're in need of some potions tutoring if you really want to stay in this class."

"TUTORING!? But I'm the smartest boi in school even though I don't even study or attend class or know how to read and write and haven't even seen a professor in my life! I CANNOT be tutored, and that is that."

"Well I'm afraid, m'boy, that you're going to have to drop out of class then."

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!11111!"

Slughorn looked quite frazzled after that outburst, and began to try to calm James down. "It's okay, m'boy, you don't have to do it for long, just until you begin to pass the class."

James put his hand to his Quiddidtch-toned chin and stroked his non-existent beard, thinking. "So you say if I do this until I pass, I can stop?"

"Yes."

"hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmm…."

"I recommend it highly, Mr Potter." Slughorn looked relieved that not only had James calmed down, he seemed to be considering the idea.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmHHmmmmmmmmm mmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm…."

James was still thinking, and Slughorn was starting to worry about his mental health.

"hmmm hmm hmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hm hm hm hm hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmm HMMMMMMMMMMMMM! Okay, I'll do it." After all his difficult thinking, James decided that he would just copy from Remus next test so that we would pass which meant he only had to have at the most two sessions with his tutor. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, he would be lucky enough to have his sweet, sweet Lilykins as his tutor, in which case he would purposefully never pass again in his life in order to keep her tutoring him.

"That's wondrous, Mr Potter. Your sessions will begin at six o'clock tonight, and will be once a week."

"Sounds okay. Do I need to bring anything?"

"Your textbook, Mr Potter."

"Will I need a quill?"

"Yes."

"What about parchment?"

"Yes, you'll need that too."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…. What about clothes. Will I need those?"

"YES, Mr. Potter! Stop asking stupid questions!" Slughorn looked a little angry, James thought. He held his hands up in a surrendering gesture, feeling hurt from Slughorn calling his legitimate questions that he was legitimately confused by stupid.

"Sorry, professor; just asking. Who is my tutor, anyway?"

"Severus Snape."

James then knew no more, for he had passed out right where he stood.

Back at base, (i.e Gryffindor tower), Sirius Orion Black was attempting to have a serious (heeeeeehehhehehehehehehhe) chat with Lily Anne Marie Doris Benson Helga Evans whilst wearing a onesie.

"It even has bootie bits attached!"

"Lily! We are not talking about my onesie right now! Merlin, you are so immature." Sirius rolled his eyes at her and Lily stifled a laugh as Sirius' hypocrisy. Sirius ignored her and carried on, "What we are here to talk about is the fact that your favourite hobby is tearing out boys' hearts with your teeth and setting them on fire whilst stabbing them with MACHETES and dipping them in POISON ACID and laughing an evil laugh all the while."

Lily was stunned. "That sure was dramatic Sirius, but what are you talking about?"

"Oh, you know what I'm talking about, you evil witch, you." Sirius was glaring at her with his arms crossed. "The fact that you are horrible to James Potter for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!"

Lily scoffed. "No reason?!"

"Yes, uhhhh, that is what I said…" Sirius looked confused. "Anyway, you, sir, are hurting his feelangssssss and I, Sirius Black, am his best fran and I have to help him. So, GO OUT WITH HIM OR ILL KILL YOU!"

Lily bristled immediately, becoming as angry as two angry things. "NO!" she screamed, getting up and stomping toward her dormitory like an elephant on elephant tablets.

"I think that went pretty well, actually." Said Sirius to no one in particular, mentally patting himself on the back. "I think she likes him a little more, now."

"That went horribly, you idiot!" Piped up a voice to Sirius' immediate left. He jumped in surprise, and turned to see Remus looking at him through the eyeholes of his ever-present book.

"Don't tell me things like you know!" yelled Sirius indignantly. Remus and his eyeholes thought they knew everything, he reflected bitterly.

"I do know! I know that you completely buggered that up! She's awfully mad, now."

Sirius rolled his eyes at his friend's idiocy. But then! He thought of a great and smart and wonderful way to show Moonybooboo what for!

He brightened at the idea and got up, intent on carrying out his plan as soon as he could. He walked over to where Remus sat, back to reading his book. Suddenly he lunged for the book, eyeholes and all, and managed to grab it.

"Hey!" Remus yelled, looking as distressed as two distressed things.

"Teeeeeeheeeeeeee!" Sirius giggled, prancing over towards the common room fire in his onesie. Then, he suddenly and unexpectedly threw the book into the fire, turning to watch Remus' face; for that was the best part.

Remus had fallen to his knees, his arm reaching but not managing to grasp, tears beginning to run down his distraught face. Sirius thought that Remus had seemed to lose his voice in his distress, but suddenly, Remus opened his mouth and howled.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Then Remus collapsed to the floor and passed out from the onslaught of grief.

"Heh heh heh heh heh." Laughed Sirius, sticking a sugar quill in his mouth and stepping over his friend's body and laying down on the common room couch and basking in his success.

Meanwhile, James was sitting in the Hogwarts Library, shivering in worry and general fear-nocity. He wasn't sure why he had even accepted to be tutored by Snivellus, but he had decided that it could harbour great pranking possibilities if he were to gain his trust in tutoring.

Suddenly, his tutor appeared in front of his table, and James jumped.

"I want it to be clear that I am not here by free will," Snivellus began, "I was threatened with the loss of my prefect badge and detentions."

"Bully for you," said James. Snivellus sat down.

Then he begun.

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making."

"Alrigh – " James begun, but he was interrupted.

"I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes,"

"I gues – "

"The delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses. . ."

"Maybe we should just star – "

"I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO BOTTLE FAME!"

"I don't really – "

"BREW GLORY!"

"I think I might go now – "

"EVEN PUT A STOPPER ON DEATH!"

Snape looked down at his tutoree after the finale of his speech to find that he had fainted.

"Oh look, Lily! There's a new notice on the notice board!" came the voice of Mary McDonald later that evening in the common room. Lily walked over to her friend, looking for the notice.

"What it is about?"

"Apparently there's a Christmas ball this year!" said Mary excitedy.

"What? Since when does Hogwarts have a ball? There aren't any in canon, except for that one in the Triwizard Tournament and that doesn't even count!"

"I know, Lily. But the author of this fic is a fourteen year old girl and feels the need to have balls in everything and anything she does, and can think of no other way to construct the first Jily kiss."

"Oh, of course. Silly me." Lily shook her head, and finally managed to locate the notice that held the details of the ball.

Ball So Hard Motherfuckers Wanna Fine Me

Wassup, niggas! Dis notice is all up in yo common rooms for dat purpose of tellin' you bitchez bout this ball we be havin!

Yo, It's gonna be goin' down on Christmas eve, so you hoez better be pimpin up in here!

Theme: Gangsta

You niggas forget to get dress'd up and you'll be popped.

It's gon' be off the chizang!

Later, hoez.

"What an inventive theme!" cried Lily, after reading it.

"For sho! Oh em gee, who are you going to go with?" cried Mary

"I don't know…" said Lily slowly, trying her best to bury the little image of none other than James Potter that had popped into her brain. It was going to be a long year.

Title of the Ball notice board is a line from the lyrics of Niggas In Paris by Kanye West and Jay-z

Pets on the head for whoever guesses who Lily's secret tarzan hero is!

Bow chicka wow wow! Will James ever stop fainting all over the place like a ninny? Is Peter still alive after getting punched in the esophagus for the simple crime of saying 'boom shakalaka'? Has Sirius found true love, or will it be just him and his onesie for all eternity? Will Remus ever recover from the early demise of his late eyehole-clad book? Who knows? Stay tuned for the next chapter!