Stand in the shade of me
Things are now made of me
The weather vane will say
It smells like rain today

Green Grass- Cibelle

Tidus

I thought death meant the effects of the deceased would dissolve from me and this change would be present in the hollow of my gut. I feel emptiness, confusion. I don't know what this means. Even as we pause in passing of the casket I stop, delicately looking over her corpse, unable to appreciate Adrianna's death.

I crumble into my seat beside Shuyin, surprised to find his eyes red. Jecht called me a crybaby and right now I wish I could. It's probably expected, that I should be more visually upset. I broke down when she left me, again when I heard of her wedding and the pregnancy. I can't cry now, it's over.

We stand for the hymn of the fayth. In the row before mine her mother is supported by Whitney, one of Adrianna's two brothers. Her display of emotion is violent, wrenching, her cry's echo throughout the temple, haunting and terrible.

The maester tells us to "Remember Adrianna though our experiences in love and our fayth in Yevon, the strength in the almighty above us." Would Annie agree? She was never religious.

I remember Adrianna surfing on the Zanarkand coast, I remember her getting drunk and breaking into my bedroom, I remember making out, getting take out, staying out until the sky turned pink and the sun began to peak over the water. I remember Adrianna's laugh.

And though I've never seen Adrianna cry I remember all her faces. I never saw her cry. Adrianna didn't dye her hair, eat un-skinned grapes, or steal on Sunday's. On Monday's she liked to lift five-cent bubble gum candies from the corner-store where she picked up her families mail and bought milk. Adrianna liked to make jewelry by folding the bubblegum wrappers and attaching them at the creases. I still have a necklace that she made for me out of semi-metallic juicy-fruit.

"There will be a light lunch and coffee available in the main hall. Yevon be with you." We are excused and the watery eyed masses migrate slowly from the pews of the temple back into the modestly decorated foyer. Colorful images reflect from stained glass windows and leisurely dance across the floor in the shifting mid-morning sun. There are tables full of crustless sandwiches, coffee pots with small Styrofoam cups and little decorated china dishes filled with cream and sugar cubes.

People I barely remember knowing tell me how sorry they are for my loss. I feel guilty because I don't know what I've lost, exactly. They should be talking to her husband Jonathan, her son, and all of the people that she loved.

I spot Jonathan amongst the crowd, a small boy struggles to walk behind him, the rolled pant legs of his miniature suit tripping him every second step. Is this their son? He looks so much like her and he has my eyes. Curious, striking blue, child-like eyes… I double-take. He really doesn't look a thing like John. And… my eyes?

I pull Lenne away from her conversation with Adrianna's brother. "Can I ask you something…?"

"Excuse me…" she apologizes to Whitney and I follow her to the side of the crowd. "About what?" she takes a deep breath in response when I point out the child, "Tidus…." She sucks on her lower lip. I've heard people play with their mouths when their lying. "Tidus we'll have to talk about this later."

"Lenne do you remember, you were her best friend…" I feel the whirring in my chest, my senses turning to smoke. "You need to explain this to me. Tell me that there's no way?"

She kisses my cheek and turns to look at the child. "Not now Tidus." She nervously looks back at the boy, "It's not... Think rationally. Okay?" Lenne squeezes my shoulder tightly before escaping to continue talking with Whitney.

I stare at her, not exactly sure how she could blow me off. This is important, and it's apparent that she knows something. If she knows something that means there's something to know, which means that … which means that it's probably what I think weather I'm being rational or not.

I help myself to the lunch items laid out before us. Watching the child in the corner of the room, being entertained by his grandfather. I doubt Isaac knows what's going on, why so many people are crying, why we're all wearing black, why they all keep hugging him. When I was younger, I hated being touched by strangers. I wonder if he's confused.

I try to do mathematical problems I learnt in high school biology, the gene graphs, and accounting for probability factors. John is dark, and this child is fair skinned like his mother. Both of them have almond colored eyes, Isaac's are blue like Adrianna's fathers or mine. I don't know about John's family, but dark hair is a dominant trait. Isaac's hair is a rusty shade of blonde, like his uncle or his grandmothers. I was born with dark auburn colored hair.

I weigh all things into consideration, my conclusions settle in a pit of nausea. I can feel the angry adrenaline heating my ears. I realize I'll never be satisfied and that I'll never understand. This is not the right place to be angry and allow these feelings to fester. I have to be O.K. with the situation when I feel as if I can't swallow my impulses. She had no right to die and leave me with this.

Rikku finds me, and I submerge my temperament quickly. "Hey, how are you holding up?" She speaks slow and nervously. Fiddling with the strap of her purse. She's conservatively in a knee-length olive dress. "Gosh, this is sad."

I mentally shake myself in an attempt to rattle loose the words to speak. "How are you?"

"I'm sad." She says, eyeing me. "You alright?"

I nod. "Yeah… I—" My gaze wonders back across the room, she follows the glance. "I'm just feeling a little off."

"Off?" she examines the child. What does she think, what does she notice. "That's understandable."

I nod my chin towards the young boy who's now sitting alone at one of the tables, "Do you see it? That boy..."

"Is that Isaac?" She asks.

"Well?"

"Well what?" She says and then looks back over at him. "Ohh… okay. I see what the issue here is."Rikku grabs hold of my arm and as fast as a woman wearing four inch heals can attempt to walk, she drags me outside of the temple. "Tidus, have you realized that boy looks just like you?"

"I know."

"I know!" She smacks my chest with her open palm. "Holy shit. What do you think? I always thought Adrianna must have been sleeping with someone while you were together to announce she was expecting so soon after hooking up with Jonathan… but, wow Tidus, you don't think?"

I ignore the ragged spike of pain. "I don't know what to think." I tell her running a hand through my hair, jittering. I can't keep my appendages still. "What do I do?"

"Well—I don't really know."

"Rikku…" I say, feeling an increasing weight. "Adrianna is dead. And look—" I swallow what feels like a growing thickness in my throat. "She's really… She's really… fuck." A terrible thought crosses my mind, "dead."

Hotness stains my cheeks. I hear the word crybaby rolling off my father's tongue. "Fuck." I turn away from Rikku and start stalking across the temple courtyard.

"I know, I know." She catches up and hugs me. "She's gone."

"I hate her so fucking much right now." I pull away, feeling violent. "It's not suppose to happen just like that."

"Just like that." She repeats, holding her arms across her chest.

"There's so many things I could have asked her, things I'll never know now. We weren't finished."

"You want closure… I get that." Rikku says, "I get it but… you had time for closure, Tidus. You had years to figure it out. Are you saying that right now you're upset because of what could have been, and not that she's gone?"

"She's not gone. She's obviously still here- lurking." I bite.

"I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you don't really know anything yet." She says. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way but it just seems like you're looking for something to get… upset about."

"I don't need a reason to be upset." I assure her. "I just wish..."

"Whatever her reasons were, for the things she did… Tidus, they were her reasons, who's to say she would have explained anything, if she could?"

She might have tried. I think, remembering Luca. I brushed her off; I thought she'd heard about Yuna. I thought it was one of her games. "I would have made her… If I had known." I answer. I could have given her the chance to talk to me, I didn't want to listen, I thought it would jeopardize my relationship. It almost did, regardless of what wasn't said. "Have you talked to Yuna at all today?"

"You're changing the subject."

"Yeah… well. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, I talked to her for a bit, I'm actually going over there to take her for lunch when we're done all this. You can come if you want to?"

I shake my head; I don't feel like seeing her right now. "No, that's okay. I'll need to go to the bar with the rest of the family and friends. There will be an open mike; they'll expect me to say something."

"Well okay… but you should try to talk to her."

"How are things with Gippal?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I think I need to focus on other things right now."

"I like that dress, you know… the one you made for Braska's dinner."

"I thought you would, I had you in mind when I designed it." She replies with a sly smile.

I grin. "Yuna's one of the best things… she's one of the best parts of my life right now. I don't know what I would do if I was alone. I love that I have her."

"You love that you have her?" Rikku raises her brow, "Don't you love her yet?"

Yuna

The first thing I learnt working for Kory Ellis, about Kory, was that he lacked any organizational skills. My job would make this my problem. The stacks of paper I had found charming and characteristic when I came into interview, became intimidating the moment I learnt it would be my first responsibility to file them. He didn't even have a system, he just told me to "go at it, and have fun!"

Fun, right. It's hard to have fun when you're stomach won't stay still, hungry one moment, ready to vomit the next. When your mind can't rest and everyone around you is in pain—and you're confused, overwhelmed, restless. It wouldn't have been right to call in sick, not on the day I'm due to start. It has taken my strictest efforts to remain calm and in control of myself. The night it all happened… and the night Adrianna died—I don't know how I've kept myself together.

"Look at you in your cute little suit." I glance over from the files and the first thing I see are Rikku's impossible heels. "Oh—yeah well your boss let me in. He seems so familiar. What's his name?"

"He is." I set the pile of papers I had been sorting aside, and push myself from the chair. "You've met him before."

"I don't know if I would forget that face."

"You might..."

"High school?"

"It was a couple months ago, you were with me." I laugh. "He came up to us at the bar and you convinced me to dance with him?"

"Oh yeah… I think I liked him…. But I like Tidus more, of course."

"Me too." I agree, glancing over the papers in my hand before setting them back down on Kory's desk.

"But still…"

"Rikku." I roll my eyes.

Kory knocks on the doorframe, carrying in another stack of disarrayed file folders. "Ladies?"

"Hey." Rikku says, nodding in his direction, "I see you've put my cousin right to work."

He humors her with a small smile and places the files on top of the nearly clean desk. "Well, I have to push her a bit on the first day, don't I? Otherwise she might not respect me."

I brush a strand of hair behind my ear and pick up Kory's files to put them on top of the cabinet I had been working at. Is Rikku really flirting with him?

"I'd say she's more than capable. And since she's doing such a great job, you should consider lending her to me for a bit? I'll bring her back fed and ready to work, hmm?"

"Alright, alright, quit pulling my arm." Kory exaggerates, chuckling, "Of course. You two have fun." He scratches his neck in an oddly familiar gesture, jumping on his words as we're about to leave. "Oh and Yuna, there is going to be a workshop this afternoon that I'd like you to sit in on. You'll get to meet some of the regular kids and staff."

"Great." I nod. "I'll see you after lunch, then." Rikku pulls my arm and waves goodbye to Kory. Where barely out of earshot when I see her smile widen, she glances over her shoulder through the office at Kory and an exaggerated shiver runs through her body.

"So cute."

I release my breath. I hope Rikku won't be too distracted over lunch. "What do you feel like?" I ask.

"We should pick something up for your boss on the way back. What do you think he likes?"

"I don't know, but-." I begin, fishing for my keys.

"Yuna, I'm parked over here."

"Right." I mutter, dropping my purse. "Let's just get something small. I haven't been feeling so great."

"No?"

"No. It's been kind of a rough week." I say, testing the waters while following her across the parking lot. The weather has rapidly cooled since this morning; it looks like it might rain later this afternoon. "How was the funeral?"

"The funeral?" She opens her door and leans across the seats to unlock mine. I open the door and sit down. "The funeral was…"

"How was Tidus?" I rephrase my question even if I'm not sure that I really want to know. "Is he okay?"

She looks swiftly from me down to the shift stick. "Yeah, well… you know. He didn't really say much."

I understand. Tidus has barely talked to me since the news. It's something I am trying to deal with; I know he loved her. I know that I shouldn't try to get involved and that I should give him the space he needs for a while. But… I feel like I need him; that this is just another time Adrianna has taken him from me. I feel awful that even now I can be so cruel to resent her.

Rikku doesn't continue. She starts to drive down the street, tapping her palm against the steering wheel, listing off the different restaurants we cross. "Fast food, fast food, fast food… what kind of cologne do you think boss-man wears?"

"Not sure…" I avoid elaborating, I'm afraid that if I feed into this she'll develop an obsession. I count the buildings as they pass. Side-street stores, restaurants, run-down motels and bars. I've always avoided this part of town: The area my father warned me to stay away from, where the boys from high school would come to find cheap looking women or buy booze where they knew they wouldn't be asked for their identification.

"The Yunalesca Street café'?" Rikku gestures across the street, "looks half-decent."

"Sure." I agree and she makes a u-turn at the next intersection and pulls sharply into the parking lot. She makes sure to lock her car twice.

"I can't believe you're working over here, Yuna. Couldn't you find a job closer to Tidus'?"

I shrug, and open the door for her. It isn't lost on me that she say's Tidus', not 'home'. I brush it off because she's right, it's his apartment. "I don't mind the drive. It's a good opportunity for me."

"A good opportunity to do what?"

" I feel… like I'm going to be doing something—something good."

"You're basically just working a daycare center for irresponsible parents, aren't you?" We take a seat at a nearby booth upholstered in red vinyl. There are menus and rolled cutlery already placed on the table. Rikku opens her menu and immediately starts scanning the options.

"What do you mean?"

"You know, my mom would drop Brother and me off at those places as an alternative to day care. I don't know if it ever did any good for me. I bet we got in more trouble at with the other kids than anywhere else, those years."

"Kory seems to be really ambitious with all the projects he's taking on, I think that he's passionate enough to follow through."

"Maybe." She replies, "You never know if that excitement will catch on."

"Hopefully." I open my menu and look over the salads section, deciding to close the topic. Rikku didn't have a lot of opportunities growing up; it was the same for a lot of the Al Behd. It was less than two decades ago that they were ostracized by then president Mika. Rikku's parents didn't have the same options Yevonites had had. It wasn't fair, but it was the standard.

"How's the meat here?" She asks the waitress.

"How's the meat anywhere?" The waitress replies, popping her gum and leaning over to look at the small print. "It says 'Grade-A', doesn't it?"

"I guess I'll have the cheeseburger." She hands the girl her menu.

"Fries?" she takes my menu too, "Or salad?"

"Fries."

"How bout' you, hun?"

"Can I get the garden salad with house dressing on the side."

"Yeah I can do that." She tucks the menus under her arm. "Alright girls, this'll just be a few minutes."

"How much you want to bet that by 'Grade-A' they mean the brand of the packaging company?" Rikku slumps a little in her seat, mulling over other conversation topics. "I heard you went to the hospital the other night, everything okay?"

I tense and she looks up at me, "I…"

"I guess that's a no?" She follows up, "You what?"

"I don't know." I avoid eye contact; I have been talking myself in and out of telling her all week. I thought she might understand, but with everything else that's been happening I feel like my situation isn't so important that it can wait for a little while. I rub my eyes, thinking that might help, not wanting her to see them water.

"So there's a reason you wanted to go for lunch, huh?" she reaches across the table and grabs my forearm, "are you dying?"

I choke on unexpected laughter, though I know the question's not funny, and that she's probably not joking. "No… I'm not dying."

She slaps my hand, "well then it can't be that bad."

"I'm not even sure if it's bad persea…" I withdraw, "It's not bad, like—me dying bad. It's definitely, unexpected, complicated…"

"But Yunie," She lowers her voice, "you're crying."

"I'm just frustrated." I explain a half truth, wiping again at my watering eyes with an apologetic smile, "Everything has been stressful, I'm worried about Tidus and… Rikku I'm worried about you."

She chortles, "About me? Why? I'm fine; I'm in a good place right now. _ is really happy with the work I've been doing and I'll be—"

"You know that that's not what I mean."

"You don't need to worry about me." She adjusts the salt and pepper shakers, "You're always worrying about other people, you know? You need to start being more selfish, Yunie. What were you doing in the hospital, like what's the prognosis? Are you okay?"

"It was… well, I fainted due to dehydration and I was dehydrated because I had been sick and it turns out I was slightly anemic which was also a contributing factor to the fainting episode." I explain what the doctor said to me, before explaining the cause, what I had paraphrased to Tidus who hadn't asked anymore questions. He was in his own head, going through the motions—as long as I was alright I don't think he was really equipped to care.

"So what exactly were you sick with then?" she narrows her eyes.

The waitress comes back and drops down our plates before promptly abandoning us to continue a conversation with a group of young men at another table. I dry my eyes as Rikku picks apart her burger, removing the pickles and globing on ketchup. I think she's almost forgotten about our conversation until she puts the burger down on the second bite. "Are you going to make me guess?"

"Rikku—"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'd prefer it actually, if you just… guessed."

She rolls her eyes, "No, I want to hear it from you." She takes a bite from her burger, and with her mouth half full she begins to understand that I'm not just going to tell her, that saying it somehow makes everything a lot more… real. "Are you pregnant?" I feed myself a bite of salad, hoping she'll keep guessing. When she doesn't I take another fork full, and another, avoiding eye contact as her jaw slowly drops. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Don't swear Rikku."

She snorts. "I need a yes or no answer." Rikku waits for my reply but I'm still not sure what I want to tell her. "Yuna?"

"Yes." I reply.

The waitress comes back, interrupting us again, "So It's the end of my shift, and I was thinking I could just transfer you girls over to my co-worker, unless you want to take care of the bill now?" Rikku curtly hands over her credit card. "Thanks."

"Is there any chance Kory might give you the rest of the day off?" Rikku asks me.

"I should be getting back." I reply, pulling my purse onto my lap. "It's my first day, cutting out early would leave the wrong impression.

"You've barely touched your salad."

I focus on the contents of my purse so I don't have to reply. I find and reach into my coin satchel, digging out a few gil to leave as a tip.

"You're not tipping that girl." Rikku snatches my purse, "Come on, let's go talk in the car."

I drop a couple gil on the table when Rikku's back is turned and follow her out to the vehicle. We get in the car and sit in strained silence. "So you're not just pulling my leg?"

I shake my head. "I haven't told anyone yet. You're the only person who knows."

"How far along are you?"

"A little over five weeks." I notice Rikku's car is cleaner than I've ever seen it before.

"I didn't even know you two were… like… doing that? You haven't told Tidus?"

I don't know how Tidus will react but I know this isn't something he's ready for. He has a career, a whole lifetime to look forward to. He's not ready. "He's going to be upset."

"Don't think of it that way." She turns to me, "He's just… going through a lot right now, you know?"

"Yeah, well. He loved her a lot."

"He loves you too, you know."

"He was crazy about her. I can't live up to that."

"I'm sure he loves you." She says quieter this time, "And everything is going to work out just fine for you two. You'll see. I'm sure of it."

I nod, but I just want her to drive me back to work. If anything, I feel worse. Rikku's been through this, so I knew she wouldn't be falsely optimistic. I watch the same unkempt buildings pass on the way back. She pulls outside the doors, and she tells me to try and enjoy the rest of the day. I feel guilty that I promised her I'd try when I won't.

Tidus

I think this is one of the only handful of situations where drinking before dinner is acceptable. No one would bat an eyelash at our empty glasses and the room full of red-eyed afternoon patrons. Adrianna's father, Burke, keeps my glass full.

"I always liked you, kid." Burke leans much of his weight on the hand he rests on my back, "I preferred you to the suit. Her mother, she always liked the uptight type. I liked you and I know you would have been good to her."

I feel like I'm intruding. He should be talking to John, not me. "I gotta girl now." I tell him. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I'm doing alright.

"Good for you, son. Good for you."

"She's a good girl."

"My Annie was never much of a good girl, was she?" He asks, leaving his bar untended as he pulls out a stool and situates himself beside me. "She was kind of a nut."

"What kind of nut?" Lenne asks curiously from my other side.

"A pistachio." I tell her.

"I always thought of her more as an almond, with those eyes of hers..." Burke says. "But you say she's a pistachio?"

"I don't know why she's a pistachio."

"Makes sense."

A bottle crashes and I look up to see the culprit fumbling through the drink shelving unit. Whitney's the type to sweat when he drinks; his face and arms are all flushing red. I guess tonight he fancies himself a bartender. He takes a handful of shot glasses from down below the counter and drops them in front of us. "I'm going to show you a trick."

"Whitney." Burke snatches the bottle from his hand and pours each shot evenly, "Get out from there. You have your mother's bad hands."

"Mum don't got bad hands." He replies, taking a shot and wiping his mouth. "An I can do just fine."

"He says he can do just fine, eh?"Burke leans in so I can feel his hot breath on my ear, "And it's all from his mother. That woman's clumsier than a shoopuf on ice."

"Don't talk bout' my mum." Whitney snatches the bottle back, and walks around the bar with it in hand and in mouth. He lowers the tequila, "She's a good woman."

"Right, right…" He grumbles, swerving the chair so that his back faces Whitney and begins mumbling under his breath. "She was a... nothing but a fruna. Nothing but a whore."

Whitney points a finger at his father, wavering slightly. He drops his hand and starts drinking again."I'll tell you… One day…." He trails off, leaving the bar counter to go meet with other grievers at a table across the room.

Beside me Lenne starts giggling. Burke pokes me; he wants to know what's so funny. Lenne say's nothings funny and I don't believe her.

When burke decides to meander away from us Lenne takes the opportunity to indulge me. She grabs my arm, giggling and hiccupping and pulling my head down so her lips are close to my ear, "Adrianna was a Fruna!"

I take my shot. "You don't say?"

"You have no idea." She bumps her head into mine.

I think I have an idea. I take burke's shot. I hadn't intended on getting drunk, I know it'll get me into trouble later. It's been a long time since Yuna's seen me this way. I wonder if she'll mind. Adrianna use to hate it, she hated most things. I rub my hand through my hair; I can't balance my thoughts right now.

Isaac. That's where they keep trailing back. Like it or not, I can't help it. A part of myself wants to forget about it, I can't afford to go back there, to let myself think even for a second that there could still be unfinished business between us. A child is a pretty big roadblock. What would happen with Yuna, if Isaac is mine? Would she leave me?

I don't know if I could handle it. It would mean that the way Adrianna and I left things was a lie, all the lies were lies. There really is no such thing as the truth, not here, not for us.

"Doesn't this feel a little weird?" Lenne asks, tracing her finger around the rim of her empty shot glass. "Surreal."

I nod.

"Everything is going to get so complicated now." she hums. "You have no idea."

"What do you know about Isaac?" I ask.

She settles into her stool. "I can't tell you."

"Sure you can."

"Nope."

"Why are you lying to me?"

"Tidus…" She scowls, "Why would you accuse me of such a thing?"

"You're not telling me the truth." I say, "What's the truth Lenne?"

"He's not your kid, Tidus. That's all I'm gonna tell you."

"Why didn't you just say that in the beginning then?"

"Well…" she looks at the counter. "It's complicated, I guess."

I leave my seat to find myself another bottle, and get carried away by a group of people and their bleary-eyed condolences. I find myself involved in a conversation with aquaintances I've lost touch with from high school. All the story's they have to tell involve an 'us' that makes me uncomfortable, nostalgic, and … and even a little sad.

"Never thought she would have ended up with anyone but you, man." One of the guys tips his pint towards me, "In high school you two were…"

"Two pea's in a pod." His friend finishes, "It's been what, five years? "

"Four." I correct him, "It's been four years."

"It seems like a life time ago, doesn't it?"

Yuna

I was prepared to come home to an empty apartment. Dark as it is, walking into from the hall, I don't think Tidus is home yet. Relieved, I set down my bag on the kitchen counter, and flip the light switch. The apartment is a mess, but he's not here. I discard my jacket and my heels and place them in the hall closet.

I feel nauseous again and I barely make it to the sink. I need to remember to fill my prescription for morning sickness. I need to start taking vitamins, drinking water, and making sure I rest. I've never felt so alone in my life.

I run the water and rinse the sink. I turn the tap to cold and splash my face. How am I supposed to go to sleep when I don't know where you are? How am I supposed to rest knowing you could be anywhere, knowing that you're hurt and dealing with it on your own because you don't want to talk to me? You don't think I'd understand.

Despite everything… I slide down against the counter, to rest on the kitchen floor, I want to be here for you. If you're upset I feel like I should fix it. I've always been the one you came to, the friend you could talk to. But not like this…

Things changed, so much is better now… I have you to fall asleep next to at night, but I wish we could still talk the way we did when we were just friends.

Tidus

"Lenne went off looking for you." I address Shuyin, finding him at one of the back tables, playing with his car keys—the soberest man in the bar. "She looked pissed."

"Yeah. I know." He replies somberly. "I should probably just let her cool off."

"You doing alright?"

He sets down his keys. "I should be asking you that question."

"I'm fine." It feels like I've been saying that a lot today.

"I think you're in shock. How can you say your fine? Adrianna is…"

"Maybe I'm just over it." I pull out a chair, straddling it. "Maybe I don't need to come here and be reminded all over again."

"Be reminded?"

"Yeah. Reminded." I tell him. "Reminded that she's gone. My life was so close to being good again. This close." I demonstrate with my fingers. "And now I don't know where I stand."

"Tidus—"

"I'm sorry." I run my hand down my neck, "I'm sorry… I have… I shouldn't talk like this. I don't know. I'm just confused." I don't know what I feel, or how to react to the anger, nostalgia, the heartbreak and all of the perpetually unanswered questions.

"Shuyin!" Lenne approaches our table, her eyes narrowed and smelling of all the drinks she's been ungratuiously pouring down her throat. "I need to talk to you and unless you want this to get out of hand I suggest you follow me outside. Right now."

"Are you ready to go pretty soon?" My brother asks, palming his keys. Calm and prepared for her habitual after the tequila tantrum.

"I'll meet you out there in five."

"Make it three—I might need your help." He jokes.

I tell him that he's on his own. I kind of envy him. Shuyin's always had it all figured out, he fell in love and it worked out. This is about as bad as things will ever get for him and Lenne—nothing but a road bump. His life worked out exactly according to the grand plan.

I finish the beer, wipe my mouth, and discard my chair. It hasn't been more than two minutes but I'm eager to leave, chill at my brothers a bit with a couple drinks and pass out on the couch with a hangover so rocky that I'll forget today ever happened.

I don't know where my coat is, my wallet is in my back pocket and… should I say goodbye to Burke? I might never see him again. This could be it. But what could I say to him? He's not my father, he's just the man who answered the door the first time I picked Adrianna up and asked me to promise him I wouldn't let her get us into too much trouble.

Leaving the coat and Burke, I head out after my brother and Lenne. I stop in my tracks catching sight of them across the lot. Shuyin's holding one of her wrists but she slaps him with her open hand. I start walking through the car lanes, picking up speed as she starts to push him into another car.

"You think you can just lie and hurt people, and get away with it?" She backs away, "You don't think he'll ever find out and you're just happy to go on without taking any fucking responsibility? He's you're fucking brother!"

What..?

"Yeah and what am I supposed to fucking do about it? It was a mistake… Lenne you need to realize saying something now wouldn't make it okay, it would only hurt him."

"You should have thought of all that when you FUCKED her." She grabs his keys and heads towards their car.

"Seriously, you think that you're fucking driving? Do you realize how drunk you are?" He grabs her arm and forces the keys away.

"Then I'll walk. I'm sick of you. I can't stand you!"

Who'd you fuck, Shuyin?

"Why don't you head back into the bar and mourn your little girlfriend."

"Lenne… You've know about this since it happened."

"I didn't know shit. I didn't know about any fucking kid until he shows up on our fucking doorstep—she told me it was Tidus'! But he's yours… and you just want to hand him off. But I bet you knew all along, didn't you?"

"Get in the car." He grabs her by the shoulder, walking her to the other side of the car. "We'll talk about this at home."

"Get your hands off of me." She pushes him back, opening her own door. He travels around to the other side of the car. They burn off.

Shuyin…

"Is this your son?"

"Huh…?"

"Is this yours, son?"

I turn around, I feel like I've just been slapped in the face. Burke hands me my jacket. "I need another drink."

"What was that?"

I clear my throat. "I think I'll have another drink."

"Come on back in and sit down."

Yuna

The door slams and it would have woken me if I had fallen asleep instead of spending consequent hours staring at the ceiling. Did I forget to lock the front door? I hear someone trip and string angry curses together as they make their way into the apartment. Tepid and quietly I step out of bed and move towards the light creeping in from under the crack of the door. I twist the cool silver handle and slowly push it open.

He's in the hall, inspecting the closet. I breathe, it's just Tidus. I freely step into the hall and move to approach him. He notices me and doesn't react. He turns back to looking through the shelves.

"What are you trying to find?"

"Nothing… Go—Go back to bed."

"I'm sorry…" I run my hands over goosebumps that have covered my arms "I can understand if you want to be alone…"

He grabs a box and tucks it under his arm, ignoring me while he walks back into the living room. "Just go back to bed. I don't want to talk to you right now."

I try to tell myself that it's understandable… and that he needs his space but I can't move. I can't stop staring at him. He's so calm. There are no tears. I move to close the closet door and from the hallway I can see him on the couch sorting through Adrianna's things.

He leaves the box and I watch him cross into the kitchen where he grabs himself a bottle before returning to his activity. I hear the contents shifting before he picks up the box and empties it on to the coffee table.

"Do you want some coffee?" I ask, stepping into the central living room. I want to help him, not go back to bed.

"I'm fine." He replies turning an old sphere over in his hands. A second later it smashes against the opposite wall, my breath catches and he starts laughing, shaking his head and mumbling things I can't hear.

"What are you doing?" I ask, moving forward to pick up the larger shards of glass, "Why would you just…?"

He chuckles shortly. "Because I guess I can. Right? What does it matter anyway. You shouldn't care, I'm throwing away all this old shit, everything to do with her. You should be happy."

"Why would I be happy… Tidus… what are you doing?"

He digs his hand into a stack of notes and pictures, creasing them violently in his grasp. "Forget it."

I move forward and start putting the contents back into the box.

"Don't." He grabs it from me.

"You're going to regret this tomorrow." I say, continuing to place the discarded items in the box. He picks up a necklace made from old gum wrappers and starts wrapping it around his wrist. "Do you want some coffee, Tidus?"

"Why would I want coffee I don't drink coffee. Please Yuna—just go back to sleep."

"I wouldn't be able to fall asleep." I tell him, "Aren't you tired? Are you sure you don't want some water or…"

"I don't want anything." He replies staring down at the bracelet. "I just want … I just. Ahh… fuck."

I think I'm going to be sick. He starts picking apart the bracelet in front of me and dropping the pieces onto the carpet.

"You're going to regret this…" I say, trying to reason with him, "All these things… you held on to them for a reason and I know that if you give it some time that you'll realize this isn't want you want to do."

"Do you love me?" He says, looking up past his bangs and straight towards me, "You do, don't you? How would you feel… If I did this to you? If I just didn't give a fuck and just strung you along as I acted on every impulse… every fucking urge? If I didn't care if I hurt you?"

"Is that how you feel about her? You love her and she hurt you."

"You have no idea."

"You cared so much about her…" I say quietly. He'll never really be able to be the same, or able to open up that way to me. She hurt him and he'll always owe her for that. Am I masochistic—because I knew, I always knew that he had this inside of him.

Another crash and glass shards spray across the carpet. I watch his hiccupping laughter and his shaking hands as they part the strands of his hair. He's losing it. A warm sensation travels down the palm of my hand trickling onto my forearm. I catch a falling drop of blood springing from a wound caused by the sphere shards I'd picked up from the carpet. My knuckles had turned white with apprehension. I move into the kitchen and drop the glass into the trash bin. It's not too bad, just a scratch, just a flesh wound. Cold water helps calm the pulsing.

I never asked Tidus about the tabloid, I never found out what happened in Luca at the tournament, or why he was meeting her… why he couldn't call me or answer the phone. He came home and it was as if nothing had ever happened, I ignored all the signs. I put it to the back of my mind because I didn't want to doubt him, I didn't want to fight.

Tidus doesn't love me, he probably never will.

I wrap my hand with a clean dishcloth and knot it. I need to leave, I can't inhale, I can't breathe… I'm panicking. I try to tell him but he doesn't respond. He starts tearing apart more memorabilia and with each act of destruction I grow a little sicker.

Did I want this; did I want him to destroy her? I wasn't happy while she sat in the closet as a marked and undiscovered box. I wasn't happy when he loved her, I wasn't happy when she hurt him! Are we capable of happiness? Of even being content…

Tidus doesn't love me. He never will.

Authors Note: I'm not entirely satisfied, but I've used up all the wiggle room I can ask for this, seeing as it's been written and ready for nearly a year. Please let me know what your thoughts are on the chapter, I always appreciate feedback—and this chapter is, as you can see—especially trying.

Also, this chapter was not thoroughly beta read—so it's just me. Hopefully it's still alright—half dece, you know?

My year in a nutshell—I don't know what you've all been up to but I ended my three year (unstable)relationship last January/February when this was being written. I've had a crazy summer, a crazy, eventful, wonderful 10 months, done a lot of learning and haven't been quite so absorbed in this world of fiction. I hope now that I'm a little more settled—and in another relationship—although that really shouldn't have much to do with it but I wanted to brag a little about my amazing bf, who wouldn't like this because it probably boarders on inappropriate pda which he doesn't appreciate, and anyways—hopefully I'll be making a little more progress over the holidays. Happy holidays!