A/N: Thanks again to those who left reviews!
Disclaimer: I just own Alice, not the Walking Dead.
Alice sat on a log, her fingers laced and against her chest. She had been praying for everyone that had died that day. She prayed for the walkers she had killed. She prayed for Amy, but most of all she prayed for Jessica. Silent tears slid down her blood stained cheeks as she watched Andrea cry over her sister's body. Weeks had gone by, and not once did she take the time to mourn her own sister.
She had been lucky that she got to celebrate all of Jessica's birthdays, unlike Andrea. All those late nights as kids they would have, staying up and talking. It still brought a smile on her face when she remembered how much of a rebel her sister was and how she would always get into trouble.
Alice let her eyes linger on the pit of burning bodies. The flames gave the illusion of kissing the sky, tinting it a light orange. When the first body had been thrown into the fire, Alice had stood close by and watched. She took in how the walkers grey skin blistered and turned black as the hungry fire consumed it. Though it was disturbing, what got her the most was the smell of rotting, burning flesh. As the smell assaulted her senses, she had gagged, but it sickened her that she could now sit a good distance from it and be use to the smell.
This was not some offensive perfume old women tend to bathe in, it was the scent of death. It troubled her to think that she had gotten use to the smell in any way.
Looking around, she saw everyone silently busying themselves, each coming to terms with the reality they faced. This was real. The world was truly over and now all any of them could do was depend on themselves and hope to live to see the end. How would it end, Alice had no idea, but she did not want to die and become a walker.
She looked down at her hands, examining them as if she had never seen them before. They were caked in dried blood. Who's blood, she couldn't be sure. Those hands had killed for the first time today. If she wanted to live, it wouldn't be the last time she killed. Alice held a sob down in her throat as it hit her what she had done.
She killed.
She knew it was so she could live, and those she killed were already dead, but it didn't ease her guilt. The walkers she put down were once normal people. They had families and other people that cared about them. Her hands started to shake slightly so she wrapped them around her midsection, holding herself. She couldn't allow herself to think too deeply about what she had done, not yet.
"You alright?" Alice looked up from her lap. Rick sat next to her, his eyes fixed on the pit of flames.
"Yeah." She replied, her voice soft and low. "I'm just a little shocked by what I did. I pulled the trigger on walkers."
"It's kill or be killed now Alice. Don't beat yourself up over wanting to live." He rubbed her back in a friendly manner. "I didn't get a chance to tell you earlier but you did good out there. I'm surprise. To be honest, I didn't think you'd have it in you." Rick confessed.
Alice smiled humorlessly. "Me neither. To be honest, there was a moment when I was contemplating getting bitten."
"W-why?! I mean how-"
"I've been miserable, you know?" she paused before looking at the sky. "Everyone's got something to fight for here but me it felt like."
"You got Shane."
A bitter laugh erupted from her lips. "Shane's the reason why I'm so miserable." She unwrapped her arms from around her midsection. "There was so much I wanted to do before I met him, but I gave it all up just to be with him, and what has he ever given up to be with me?" she asked. Never had she verbally acknowledged how much of herself she let die to please Shane and how little he compromised with her. Rick desperately wanted to make his best friend look good, but he knew Alice was right. Shane had always been a take it or leave it kind of guy. "I wanted to be a dancer, remember that?"
"Of course I do." Rick smiled fondly at his friend. "I remember how you'd stay after school with Mrs. Patterson for extra lessons. You were really good. Remember prom?"
"Oh, don't remind me!" she let out a light laugh as the memory replayed in her mind. "Archie Peterson was my date. I was so excited to go with him, but he got the flu and couldn't come. I was so disappointed cause I had my dress and everything. It was a pink chiffon dress, the most skin I ever showed." She laughed a little to herself, remembering how mad her mother was when she saw it. "You know, I never thanked you for that night."
"What do you mean?"
"You took me to prom last minute. I'm sure you could have taken Lori, but you took me. That meant the world to me Rick. You were never embarrassed to be seen with me. You always defended me when people made fun of me."
"I defended you because you're my friend. They just never took the time to get to see how good of a person you are." Rick paused for a moment. "I always thought it was stupid of Shane to make you stop dancing. You were good at it. I know you would have been professional if you kept dancing."
Alice felt her heart beat speed up from his words. It had been very rare for anyone to praise her dancing. Not because she was bad, it was just so few people got to watch her. She had only danced in two shows and Rick had been there for both, cheering her on and giving her roses.
Shane never praised her when it came to the things she loved to do.
It should have been Shane sitting with her, checking to see if she was all right. It should have been him going down memory lane with her to take her mind off things. But it was Rick. It was always Rick that did the emotional things her husband should have been doing.
She couldn't blame Shane fully though. She allowed herself to be his doormat and she didn't want to be anymore. She was finally finding herself, and the new Alice had no space for Shane in her new life.
"I… I'm not sure if now's the time to ask, but do you know where Jessica is?" Rick asked. Alice felt her eyes water.
"Jessica… Jessica is dead." It still felt weird to say. It seemed like a lie.
"She's dead? How do you know that Alice? She could be out there, alive."
"No, Rick, she's dead. My dad killed her. He killed my ma too, then himself."
"How do you know this?"
"On my way home to get me and Shane's stuff, I stopped at my parents' house. Jessica and ma were already shot dead on the kitchen floor. Dad was still alive. He apologized for not being a better dad, then shot himself." Her lips started to tremble as she retold the story for the first time.
"I had no idea Alice." He pulled her into a hug. "I'm so sorry you had to see that." Her small body shook against his. He could hear her low sobs and felt his shirt getting wet. It broke his heart to see her cry. He held her tighter and kissed the top of her head.
"I need to stop." She pulled away from Rick and offered him a weak smile. "Andrea needs us, I don't need to be crying and making this about me."
"But you're mourning too."
"Yeah, and I kept it inside for this long, I can keep it in a little longer." She could keep the pain of seeing Jessica dead to herself, she could keep the foolish remorse she felt for killing walkers bottled in. She could and she would as long as she had to.
"That ain't healthy Alice."
"I know, but we got nothing but time now Rick. I'll mourn for Jessica, I will soon but for now I wanna be strong for Andrea."
"I'm always here if you need to talk Alice. I'm always here for you." He looked deep into her eyes, placing a hand on her shoulder for emphasis. "I got something for you."
Rick pulled something from the waistband of his pants and held it out to Alice. She looked at it curiously.
"What's this for?" she asked, taking it in her hand and examining it.
"I saw what you could do earlier with a gun. You know how to use it. Keep it for protection."
"Officer Grimes is giving me a gun?" she joked as she placed the handgun into the waistband of her own pants. "Is that legal?"
Rick chuckled. "I think the law is pretty much down the drain now a days, wouldn't you agree?" She nodded, smiling. He became serious again. "Something snapped in you Alice, I saw it in your eyes. Whatever you do, don't lose the humanity in you, please. Never lose the faith you have in people, because that is what is going to keep you going."
"I won't. I promise." She looked down at her cross that dangled from her bracelet. She couldn't lose hope and faith because that cross represented everything she believed in.
"Do you blame me Alice for what happened?" He suddenly asked after a moment of silence.
She furrowed her brows. "Why would I blame you Rick?"
"I wasn't here to help. Maybe if I had been…"
"Them walkers would have still came here. You brought guns with you. The three guns we had at camp wouldn't have been enough to stop them. We'd all be dead if you hadn't gone." She assured.
"That's not what Shane thinks."
Alice reached out and pushed back a few stray stands of his dark hair. "Shane thinks a lot of things. Don't make them right."
Lori had seen Rick pass Alice the gun; she had seen how he held her when she cried and how they laughed together as if today had never happened. She had no idea what they were talking about, but she felt a pang in her heart. She felt the bile rise from her stomach when Alice pushed Rick's hair back. It was a simple gesture, but his face lite up when she did.
The night Rick returned, they had made love for the first time in a while. She felt guilty the whole time and knew it was wrong not to mention to him what happened with Shane, but how could she?
They also agreed to work on their marriage and start over. Nothing had changed between them. The tension remained, as did Lori's resentment for Rick putting others before his family.
It had been so long since they had laughed the way he and Alice laughed. Maybe that was her fault, but it still hurt her. He had even trusted her with her own gun. He refused to give Lori one, though she had asked.
Alice and Rick had always been close. He claimed they were just friends and he just looked out for Alice, but he did things for her that he never did for Lori. It felt like he knew more about the blonde than he did about his own wife. They always had inside jokes, sharing secret laughs.
Lori and Rick never had the same relationship he and Alice had always shared. He was always more protective of her than Lori and she assumed it was because Alice didn't have many friends and was picked on.
It was like Rick to always want to protect people. That was why she fell in love with him, but at some point it became the reason she resented him. If she had to be honest with herself, part of the reasons he slept with Shane was to get back at Rick for him always putting other people's needs before hers.
Had he not wanted to always be the good guy, he probably would have never been shot and ended up in a coma. It was his fault she ended up with Shane, not hers. That's what Lori told herself when the guilt of what she had done became too much.