As the amount of time Merlin racked up at Camelot increased, Morgana found it even easier to slip in little notes and jokes about the mythology hanging around the office. Merlin had recognized it almost immediately and tried to laugh it off upon seeing the big bold "KNIGHTS' QUARTERS" over the door to the security officer's door. When he saw the round table, he laughed even harder than when he'd learned the names of them all. A deep sense of dread and wary had welled up in him under the latent and effervescent joy that came with being around them all...What were they doing stepping out of legend like this? He couldn't blame her really, she had the entire cast of the legend on deck, including herself and her boyfriend, Mordred who worked in accounting.
Gwaine had been ridiculously charming, taking to flirting with Merlin and Gwen at the same time before Lancelot stepped in to reiterate his claim on the young lady by pulling her into his lap and kissing her soundly, fiddling with the ring on her finger that matched his own. She returned the kiss and told him that she would pick up the kids that afternoon before leaving to go and welcome the lunch meeting guests. Leon, the ever responsible captain, and Percival, Gwaine's boyfriend, had reeled the sassy Irishman down to a controllable level before Merlin collected their reports and was on his way to the business lunch with Arthur. He wasn't sure why Arthur needed him there, or who it was with as Arthur had kept it utterly secret from him. He decided not to worry about it until Cenred of Essetir Inc and his son Lot walked past him in the hallway towards the lunch meeting room shown there by Gwen who gave him an apologetic look as he stood frozen in those eyes.
A sick grin carved its way onto Cenred's face as they took the time to stop and address him. Merlin felt the air enter his lungs, settle, and escape out as their eyes met and he forced memories down into darkness.
"Hello Merlin, I'm glad to see that someone is using your talents."
The slimy way it was said made him narrow his eyes at the man and swallow, not letting him see anything but Merlin adjusting his suit jacket and smiling.
"I wasn't aware that Essetir was in dealings with Camelot today, I hope we can reach a mutually beneficial agreement."
Cenred looked taken aback for a moment, but slid into the room with nothing more than an exhale of air. Lot's eyes lingered for longer than Merlin would have liked, but he didn't react as Arthur rounded the corner talking quickly to Lancelot before stopping to face Merlin down the hall with a sheepish smile.
"Sur...prise?" he said with a wince and sighed.
Merlin only looked at him before heading into the meeting room to set up the screen and hand over the prepared propositions before Arthur strode in. Greeting both Cenred and Lot amorously, Arthur tried not to let the dark mood that Merlin was so well concealing distract him as he gave his presentation and negotiations began. The meeting ended a little earlier than Merlin scheduled it for mainly because Arthur's proposal was reasonable and there was no way Cenred was going to get anymore than what was offered - though not for lack of trying. They shook hands and Lot managed to slide a hand across Merlin's back as they passed before they were on their way and Arthur was left alone to deal with Merlin in the conference room.
"That went well," Arthur started, watching his assistant gather the folders, throw away the remnants of lunch, fix the chairs and shut down systems. Merlin said nothing, focused on his tasks and calming the roiling storm inside him.
Breathe in... breathe out... nothing can affect you. This is a part of life and taking it to heart would only be an unnecessary expenditure of energy and emotion that you don't have the luxury to waste.
"Merlin talk to me."
"Cenred is probably going to try and weasel in some other things into the contract and the procession of the execution. Be wary of that."
"Merlin, what's wrong?"
Merlin went on about aspects of the deal that Cenred would definitely try to manipulate before Arthur cut him off.
"Are you angry with me Merlin?"
"Angry?" Merlin asked with a scoff. "I don't possess the necessary disposition to be angry. I can't afford to be angry."
"But you can afford to ignore me?"
"I haven't ignored you, am I not answering your questions?"
"Merlin," Arthur started, grabbing his arm and pulling him into a seat. "We have time, talk to me at least."
"About?"
Arthur huffed, "About this obvious mood you're having! You're upset with me. Yes, I probably should have told you, but this deal is fairly important and I needed you on this one. I don't know what drove you away from Essetir, but I know it still bothers you. That's the reason I didn't tell you."
"That's got to be the most unreasonable logic that I've ever heard... You thought by telling me it would make me alright with it?"
"I didn't know how you would react. I thought by not telling you and only giving you a few moments before we had to deal with it would keep you in the mind set that this is work and despite whatever happened, it's your job-"
Merlin had never been so offended in his life and stood up.
"You doubted my work ethic?" Merlin asked, with a scoff. "You doubted my sense of duty? That's what made you not tell me? I'll have you know that, no matter what, I've never been late to a meeting. I've never skipped out on anything in my entire life. I've gone into meetings dizzy from fever, high on vicodin and penicillin in anaphylactic shock, on crutches, bleeding, in grief and terror and still did my job. So thank you for insulting me. And how dare you try and manipulate me with only half an emotional brain!"
Arthur sighed, he hadn't meant to make it sound that way, but it had come out that way. God, he was such a blonde sometimes (no offense to Leon and Percival who never seemed to have what Morgana fondly termed "blonde" moments). He hadn't known how to tell Merlin about it considering he didn't know the circumstances under his quitting/sacking. He really didn't know how he felt about it considering anytime he tried to ask Gwain, Gwen, or anyone who was remotely close to Merlin they all looked somewhere in between anger and worry saying that it was best to ask Merlin. He'd never had the heart or the mind state to ask Merlin about it and hence the conversation they were having now.
"I'm sorry," Arthur said and, for a moment, Merlin was paralyzed. His legs gave out and he was in his seat.
Arthur had never apologized for anything since he'd been there and as far as he could tell, he hadn't ever apologized for anything in general.
"You're right... I shouldn't have hidden it from you... I just didn't know how to tell you, how you'd react. I know... that you'd never allow personal feelings to get in the way of your work, but... I just... I don't know... It was stupid and I'm sorry that I put you through that."
Merlin watched Arthur's eyes, but there was only apprehension and sincerity there. He almost hated and sighed.
"Just be glad I'm not of a more violent temperament and I've had enough practice in polite lies..."
Arthur snorted, "You? polite lies? You've got to be the cheekiest assistant I've ever had."
"You've never complained about it."
Arthur smiled a little. Yeah, he supposed that was true. There wasn't much about Merlin to complain about to be honest. He ws kind and for all his snarkiness, he was intelligent and obliging and most importantly not afraid to correct him when he needed it the most. Merlin was... fearless if there was any word that would fit him... The longer that sunk into Arthur's mind, the easier it was for other things to slip in as well... like how good Merlin looked in casual clothing. It didn't happen often, but when it did Arthur relished the moment more than he would ever admit. It was usually on the weekends when he wasn't on duty for Arthur and working at Gaius's company. He had standing lunch dates with most of the Knights and Arthur, having been so close to most of them and Gwen, joined them on their nights on the town, their galavanting in the middle of the day. Merlin hadn't found out exactly what "Holy Grail" was despite having to clear Arthur's schedule for most Saturday noons to midnights. He figured that whatever it was was important to Arthur and a well-kept secret (he just hoped that they weren't actually out looking for the Holy Grail, that would have been too much on his anti-Arthurian Romance heart). Morgana joined them more often than not. Merlin was fond of neckerchiefs and other neck accessories. He'd been wanting to tear it off ever since he'd seen them as their placement only drew more attention to what was sure to be a column of pale white deliciousness...
Speaking of delicious, don't let him think about Merlin in denim. He never thought he had fetishes, or even a real attraction to certain people. Arthur had considered himself as one that loved pleasure rather than having any sort of orientation (more gay than anything if Morgana told it), but Merlin in denim had been enough to convince him that maybe he leaned a little closer to homosexual than hetero. If he hadn't seen it, he wouldn't have believed it considering Merlin's lithe frame and the cut of his suits, but Merlin had an arse. Not something ridiculous that is completely out of proportion with his frame, but it was nice and in his denim jeans that Arthur swore were like a second skin, it was tantalizing and it had taken a good deal of strength not to reach out and smack it. It had become something of an obsession and secret fantasy of his and it was getting harder and harder to restrain himself.
After the argument Arthur made himself a problem to give himself an outlet. He'd let Merlin into his more personal life, slowly extremely slowly and only in ways that wasn't too divergent to business. He didn't want to rush things and had no real idea if Merlin was single, gay, or interested in either case. It was always better to be patient and wait for the natural and fortuitous progression of things.
Weeks passed after the minor disagreement and there was a shift in their relationship that wasn't lost on Arthur, yet Merlin seemed to be stubbornly oblivious to it. It began with late night preparations branched into early morning breakfast dates. Not that Merlin would ever call sitting in his suit at three in the morning at some random pancake house a date, nor would he address the issue of connecting "date" with Arthur, but Arthur hadn't bothered to make a distinction. It felt like a date. They worked less, they laughed more, they ate and Arthur drove Merlin home afterwards. More and more Arthur was becoming used to driving the other home than he should have, though he'd never been inside Merlin's little flat. The primary shifting point, which lead into the second one, was when they were heading back from a meeting and Arthur received a call from the hospital. His father was awake and requesting a report on his company as Arthur requested a report on his health. It was amazing how skewed their priorities were...
"Do we have time to stop by the hospital for half an hour or so?" Arthur asked Merlin as he ended the call.
"Of course, you don't have another appointment until two hours from now and anything else can be done from the tablet."
He smiled in gratitude and turned towards the hospital feeling good that his assistant apparently had his schedule together, and an opportunity to edge Merlin into his life and see how it went had presented itself.
Totally not rushing it... meeting Father after all is important. Merlin may be working for him when he returns...
A part of him scoffed at the thought. There was no way in hell that he would ever surrender Merlin to his father's rule even if he had to leave the company to do that. The man was too good and he'd come to rely a lot on the other's opinion, experience, sense and impeccable work ethic. He glance at the other with a grin, finally feeling like he was outwitting his too-intelligent assistant. He was making him meet his father under a pretext and a practically informal setting... It wasn't what Artuhr really envisioned when he told his father that he was more interested in men than women and introduced him to the man... But it was a start. He felt absolutely sneaky.
Merlin, of course, knew that Arthur would want time to go visit his father, he'd tried his best to open up little pockets of the schedule without cramming the rest of it together too tightly. He also knew that eventually he would have to meet Uther Pendragon (as much as the thought made his skin crawl from the way Gwen talked about him). It had been the first day that the schedule he'd been trying to get worked out actually held. That was probably because the day after was practically empty of meeting was a general prep day for upcoming projects and any other things that had been pushed aside in favor of the larger contracts. Arthur hadn't even notice the smooth reorganizing of his calendar, and if he had he hadn't minded it which was his goal in the long run. It was always better to stay a few steps ahead of your employer's needs. When they reached the hospital, Merlin offered to stay outside but Arthur insisted he be present.
"My father would want to know that he'll have a different assistant upon his return."
Merlin held back a wince at the prospect of working under Uther rather than with Arthur. It wasn't that he had a problem with authority and knowing where to step, it was just that Uther was an apparently unreasonable and difficult man. If he let Gwen tell it, he was "demon in an Armani suit" and "she pitied anyone that ever had to work as his personal assistant", that included Arthur at some point apparently. That alone had been enough to make Merlin rethink the idea of meeting Uther, but for the sake of Arthur, and now that all of his planning had finally come to fruition, he had no choice. He followed Arthur through the hospital greeting the doctors and nurses that he'd worked with or for over the summers in high school and college.
"You seem to know everyone here..."
"I know most of them. I used to work at this hospital."
Arthur gaped, "You weren't kidding when you said that you'd never been unemployed."
He shrugged as they headed up to Uther's room and Arthur took a breath before knocking and hearing the "Come in". Merlin's insides clenched at the sound of Uther's voice. He sounded like a man that had never smiled a day in his life and took joy in other people's pain... Okay, so maybe he was projecting a little bit, but he didn't sound very pleasant. When they walked in, Uther's eyes narrowed at him and then to Arthur who came in with a smile and took the seat beside the bed.
"Hello father," Arthur greeted. "How are you feeling?"
"What are you doing here in the middle of the day?" Uther asked. "You have a talk with Bayard to prepare for."
Merlin wondered where exactly Uther was getting his information and why exactly he got the feeling that Uther didn't particularly want his son there. Merlin attempted to fade into the background, but Uther's eyes continued to flicker towards him, shifty. If Merlin didn't know any better (which he didn't), he would have swore there was a look of shame and posturing in those eyes that were nothing like Arthur's. Continuing his observation, Uther seemed to be resisting any sign of weakness but in great discomfort while doing so. He supposed he figured out where Arthur gets his need to posture now...
"They've been moved to later in the day, Father. I came to see how you were doing."
"You could have called the hospital to find that out, you should be preparing. Bayard isn't an opponent easily taken on. Where is the proposal?"
Arthur winced at his tone and sighed, resigning himself to what these visits usually turned into: business briefs. As much as he hoped his father would one day just trust him and relax, Arthur realized a long time ago that would never happen. Merlin produced the Bayard file without having to be asked and stood near to the door, carrying on with his personal checklist. Uther took the file and immediately began picking away at it, under the assumption that the pages he were viewing weren't already in place.
"Surely, I've taught you better than this Arthur! How could you have no negotiated better than this... it looks like a treaty."
Arthur didn't mention that it was not a hostile takeover of Mercia, LLC that they were going for, or even a merging but a mutual contract to get Mercia back on its feet as a business ally against Essetir and to reinforce their alliance.
"And who is this skinny thing with the PDA? Where is Margaret?"
"She quit, Father." Arthur replied. "This is Merlin Ambrosius, he's been working for me as my personal assistant since a few days after you fell ill."
Uther looked at him with an appraising eye that wasn't the same as the one he'd recieved from Cenred, but it was equally as insulting. Uther was looking down his nose at him, sizing him up in worth.
"Merlin... Ambrosius... Wulfhere's child secretary?"
Merlin would have flushed, but refrained from it. He didn't back down either.
"Yes, I was head secretary for Essetir."
"And you came to Camelot? You were fired?"
"Father," Arthur started.
"I quit, actually." Merlin replied.
"And you came to Camelot? For what purpose?"
Merlin didn't particularly like where Uther was trying to push the conversation, so he side-stepped it.
"I was scouted and interviewed by Morgana. Arthur accepted me on as his assistant. I came to work for Camelot Corp. because the position was open and I am confident in my abilities."
Uther didn't seem satisfied in the answer and pushed, "No, loyalty towards the company you worked for for six years? I do know that you had to have been involved in the dealings with Camelot from both sides..."
Arthur couldn't believe that his father was really doing this on his sick bed.
"I left before preparations for this particular deal."
"Hm," Uther said. "You've said nothing of your loyalty."
"My loyalty was to Wulfhere," Merlin said. "Cenred did not earn my loyalty, nor my respect, after his father's death."
Uther huffed again and continued to look through the pages shaking his head and handing the file back to Arthur.
"Change the terms of the agreement, the interest should be higher. We are not a charity... and as for your assistant... you should sack him as soon as possible. You should know better than to trust someone that worked for another company prior to Camelot... especially a known rival company. I expect to be kept abreast of this dealing, Arthur."
Arthur gawked, "I'm not changing the interest rate, that would put Mercia out of commission."
"Then you should prepare to annex the company."
"Father, this is not a hostile takeover. Bayard has been a business ally for-"
"Business is not a realm of alliances, it's a realm of competition. You should know that by now Arthur... I thought I taught you better."
"You're being-"
"This conversation is over and so long as I still breathe. I am the C.E.O. of Camelot and you will do my bidding. I expect you to bring me resumes of more suitable and trustworthy candidates within the next few days. Do not fail me Arthur-"
Whatever else the man had to say was cut off in a fury of coughing. Machines beeped and Gilli came in to check his vitals. Arthur sat motionless for a moment before getting up and leaving the room with Merlin following close behind. Arthur marched down the hallway and towards the underground parking lot, getting in the car and sitting for a moment. Merlin said nothing at his side, but waited for the blonde to stop staring at the hood of his car as if to set it on fire.
Arthur gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, before banging on in it, banging his head on the steering wheel and slamming a hand into the horn, screaming with the sound. Merlin waited until the moment passed as Arthur sighed, his eyes were brimmed red with frustrated tears and anger. His breathing calmed slowly and his neck eased to relax. Apparently, the need to scream was satisfied.
"When Gwen warned me, I didn't realize that it would be that bad..." Merlin said.
Arthur looked at him as if he hadn't remembered that he was in the car. Merlin said nothing as Arthur turned his face away with an embarrassed flush. He'd been so childish and weak in that moment. How he'd managed to do that in front of a man that he hadn't known that long when he couldn't do it front of Leon whom he'd grown up with? He supposed that was because Merlin had a way of slipping into and out of perception in ways that other people didn't. He wondered if it was intentional or not. He'd ask about that if Arthur ever managed to work up the courage to ask the younger man out.
"I'm sorry... I... I suppose... I should look over the proposal again."
Merlin's eyes narrowed, "Why is that?"
"He... He is right... he is still the C.E.O.-"
"He isn't the acting C.E.O. right now."
Arthur glanced at him, "That doesn't change anything."
"It does if you're the one that has to deliver the proposal... It does since you're the one that Bayard and Mithian have been conversing with, not Uther, and not you on behalf of Uther, but you as the acting C.E.O. of Camelot... Rise, and accept your throne, King Arthur."
There was a jolt of lightning through him, it was a strange sense of deja vu that he couldn't place, and then he snorted, "I thought you hated that legend... I've never heard you make a reference to it before."
"It was appropriate," Merlin replied. "And I do hate it."
"I noticed, you called Arthur the hollow shell of honor without Merlin..."
Merlin raised an eyebrow at him, "You've read my work?"
"It was in Morgana's file on you... an impressive piece...most of Britain must hate you."
"Thank you...and I'm sure they do even if they know that I'm right."
They sat in silence for a moment later before Arthur breathed out, "I just don't understand him... I don't know what he wants from me."
"He wants you to be him, act as he does so that he can rest easy knowing that his legacy will live on even after he's gone."
Arthur's eyebrows knitted and their eyes met across the space.
"He wants you to remain in his shadow."
"Merlin, that's-"
"True." Merlin replied, looking down at his tablet. "I saw a man afraid of his end, and more afraid of his son that could outshine and push him out of memory of the business world with his potential for fairness, execution, and general ability to keep his employees."
"Merlin, how could you say that?" Arthur asked gawking at him. "You've only just met him, how could you say that and sound so..."
"Calm? Assured?"
He nodded a little and Merlin snorted.
"I've spent most of my life controlling my emotions, stepping back from emotional reactions and watching people. That's a lot of time watching people, getting to know them, and understanding them. It didn't take a lifetime of watching to recognize fear, impotent rage, and the terror of being outdone by your offspring in Uther's eyes. It was blatant. All it took was a few conversations with Margaret, Morgana, and you to know."
Arthur sat in silence, blinking and hearing the words.
"You're a great businessman, you have a knack for it and a diplomacy that could win you more than just a great contract but alliances, support, and a reputation in the business world that Uther could only dream of. You're the only one that doesn't see that and Uther is doing a good job of making sure that you never figure it out."
"Do you mean to say that my father is trying to smother me?"
"Unconciously, conciously, yes."
Arthur bit his lip as Merlin went back to typing away. What Merlin was saying was said too controlled to be a gimmick, it was flippant as if it was obvious. Arthur drove them back to the company in time for lunch with the Knights. Leon announced that the Holy Grail had been requested for a charity event on Saturday, a business charity event hosted by Mithian for a project for London's teens. Merlin grinned, Mithian could always host a good party for teenagers, he'd helped organize a few himself. The name "Holy Grail" made his stomach turn uncomfortably.
"So?... Are you coming?" Arthur asked him after lunch.
"Coming to what?"
"The charity event of course?"
"Well... I suppose I'll have to if you're there. I was invited after all."
Arthur grinned at him but there was a secret there. Merlin wouldn't find out until he arrived at the appointed banquet hall where teenagers from every college campus and high school in the city and some from outside were assembling. There was the sound of rock music playing, familiar new tunes, some of them he remembered from college, but all different. Merlin guessed it was a cover band.
"I could be mean... I could be stupid... you know I could be just like you..."
When he entered the building and saw Gwen and Morgana standing off to one side with Mordred, he'd expected a lot of things...
"You made it!" Gwen called, waving him over. "Just in time, they just started playing their second song."
"Who is..."
Merlin looked up to see a familiar head of blonde hair in overly casual clothes: a grungy faded out t-shirt, ripped jeans, a black watch on one arm, a band of gold on his head, and a metallic silver sleeve on his mike hand. He guessed it was gimmick, but the voice that was coming through the speakers was familiar.
Arthur?
"You've got to be kidding me..."
"I'm surprised he did it. He usually likes to keep this part of his life and his business life separate..."
"Arthur... is in a band?"
"Surprised?"
"A little," Merlin conceded but he wasn't that surprised. People seemed to love Arthur, giving a speech or rocking out it didn't seem to matter. People were enthralled, dancing, rocking out with him. Gwaine's hair was everywhere (as usual). With Lancelot on the drums, Leon at keyboard and Percival at first guitar beside Arthur, it wasn't an odd scene.
"The Holy Grail?" Merlin read on the banner behind them.
"I wanted them to be the Round Table," Morgana said. "But apparently that was just too much, or not enough... So I got him to wear a crown and the sleeve when he performs instead."
Merlin snickered, moving over to get something to drink as the song ended and the next one started. Mithian came to find them at the beginning of "Furry Walls" which Merlin just couldn't stop laughing at. Arthur was more than enjoying himself if the tones of his voice were anything to go by. He was grinning, giggling at the lyrics as they came and sliding around, swiveling his hips, it was comedic and very Russell Brand.
"Stroke the furry wall~... Furry walls, don't bring me down. Furry walls, please stay around..."
At the half break, Arthur and the rest bounded around downing bottles of water as Mithian made her speech about the proceeds and the vision for the future. He grinned at Merlin who only blushed at a closer look. The shirt wasn't just grungy, it was tight, squeezing biceps that he hadn't realized that Arthur possessed, it lined out defined abs and muscular back. The metallic sleeve was one of those tight, thermal, exercise shirts. The jeans were tight, hugging comfortably and were probably overly worn over his converse. He looked like a rockstar... or at the very least a college student.
"You all seem like naturals," Merlin said as they reached him. "And Gwaine... well it's Gwaine. You guys were awesome."
Gwaine laughed at that giving a theatrical flick of his hair before Percival was running his fingers through it. Arthur grinned.
"Go ahead and say it Merlin, you think I look good as a rockstar."
"You do," Merlin conceded. "You've got talent."
Arthur beamed at him and spent the next twenty minutes of their break chatting with him. Morgana grinned knowing "chatting up" when she saw it. Arthur's face was intensely focused under the guise of friendliness, he was close enough to smell Merlin's skin and find that the man wore no cologne but smelled that delicious naturally. When they talked, they talked about Merlin, his tastes in music, art, his family history and it was obvious that the man was getting nervous about the attention as he turned it back on Arthur who'd related a good deal of his life without the usual tone of posh privilege. She had to admit, Merlin was good for him. At the end, Arthur's hand found a way to trail across Merlin's arm before bounding back to the stage with seemingly restless energy and kicking up the band again with "Here Comes the Weekend." Merlin would think to tease him later about his dual role as the fill in for female vocals and his rap attempt, which was impressive to say the least. The did two slow songs, just two. That seemed to be the threshold. Arthur had calmed down enough to take a seat and take hold of an acoustic guitar and everything slowed down, couples grouped together as Arthur's hypnotism swept through the room. The first was "Bangers, Beans and Mash" which Arthur did in perfect seriousness, but it was too funny for that. Merlin wondered if he was just clowning around until the first few chords of "What About Now?" started and it was just Arthur playing.
The tune was different, his eyes were different. Merlin's insides quivered at that look a far off and unknown emotion that was coming to light now. Arthur seemed lost in it as much as Merlin was. He felt something like hope and heady squirming from a distance that Merlin was uncomfortable with. He'd been so good at knowing where his emotions were coming from, how they got there, and how to control them... this was new.
"And make it to the dawn~... Change the colors of the sky~ and open up to... the way you made me feel alive- the ways I loved you..."
Merlin swallowed watching the performance , his heart clenched at Arthur's melody with only minimal support from Lancelot at the drums. The weight of the song was carried in Arthur's voice and his fingers strumming the guitar.
"Baby, before it's too late... What about now~...?"
He felt a little dizzy, his heart was thumping and for a moment, Arthur was someone else and the only person in Merlin's eyes.
"What about now? What about today? What if you're making me, all that I was meant to be~? What if our love~, never went away? What if it's lost~ behind, words we could never find? Baby, before it's too late..."
Why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like this?
"Now, that we've come this far, just hold~ on... There is nothing to fear~... for I am right~ be~side you~ ,for all... my ~ life~ I am yours~...!"
Arthur's eyes fluttered closed, his voice ascending in emotion and volume through the bridge that made Merlin's knees go weak. Did the man have to sound like a God then as well as look like one? The stage lights turn his hair golden and his crown into a halo of light. His guitar (Excalibur as Morgana called it) gleamed in the light and everything in him wanted to scream: My King Arthur.
Oh no... Merlin shook his head. This wasn't happening, he tore his eyes away from the stage. Arthur's eyes caught his for a moment before Merlin tore them away again and tried to calm his thudding heart. He found his way to the bathroom to confront his reflection. His eyes were flickering gold, but that wasn't the problem. His face was flushed and he swore that every thought in his head was concerned with that voice in a different setting, the emotions behind the singing and how much he wanted to go up on stage with that man and... and-
No, he told his reflection glaring. The emotions tuckered down into silence before he marched back out. The music was kicking back up to something that was back on the scale of alternative rock. Merlin recognized it as a Linkin Park song. When he went out, the feelings stopped and he was just watching Arthur, his boss, rock out on stage. His brief lapse in sanity had ended.
At the end of the night, Mithian was thanking them for their help in the matter and Arthur added his share of the payment to the very surprisingly, the others did the same. They got paid more than enough as it was. Arthur took that chance to offer Merlin a ride home, which he gladly accepted and sat in talkative contemplation, stamping down those riotous emotions that would get him hurt in the long run. It was always better to be in pain for a moment than for a longer period of him.
Arthur took to humming a few bars of "Honor" as they drove down the rode over the low tones of the radio. They were on the main road heading towards Merlin's house when he switched the station.
"For I am right beside you...for all my life... I am yours..." came through the radio, along with full guitar and keyboard back up of the rock version. Merlin swallowed as Arthur cheered.
"Yeah! Talk about luck!" Arthur cheered. "That's just weird. I happen to love this song, I always have for reasons that I never bothered to think about. Have you heard this song before tonight?"
Merlin shook his head but agreed that it was great song as they pulled up to his flat and Arthur bid him goodnight with a strange softness in his voice. They sat stone still for what felt like forever. Tonight, had meant something to Arthur... something that Merlin had resisted acknowledging, but couldn't put off with him staring like that. This was Arthur. The real one behind his father's insanity. It was a glimpse into his inner life, a life that most people had no access to (or at least hadn't before), it was an admittance into something pure and personal... It was opening up and Merlin felt his stomach churn at the idea of Arthur opening up to him.
I was going anyway-
His mind wouldn't let him get away with that excuse. Arthur asked him to come, whether he was coming or not. He'd given him the name "Holy Grail" when scheduling out the blocks of time... He was sure that no one else had even known the name before seeing them on stage, if they ever got that chance. Merlin, with all his sensibility and logic, couldn't allow himself that scapegoat, no matter how much he wanted it. He bit his lip. Arthur's eyes flickered from Merlin's eyes to his lips as he breathed. Merlin felt it across his neck even though Arthur was across the console from him. In his mind it was a hot and heavy breathing of his name as hands slid-
No.
He wasn't even sure whose fantasy it was. Those brilliant blue eyes were darker than ever, a sensuous navy in the dim streetlights shining in through the glass. He wanted to look away, but the promise- and the fantasy- flashing in those eyes, in the slide of Arthur's tongue across his lip, in the slight flush of his cheeks...
"Merlin," Arthur breathed, a low rumble in his chest as he reached across the console.
Merlin couldn't scramble out of the car fast enough, flushed and cursing the speed of his heart as he marched into the flat quickly Arthur watched him go with a small smile. While Merlin was adorable and obviously very innocent, he'd be damned if he let Merlin getaway that easy. It would take a while, but at least he knew then that Merlin knew he was interested and there was a chance that Merlin was also interested. It made his whole night worth it even as his phone began screaming with the sound of his father's cellphone. He walked into his flat and turned on the news to see the coverage of the charity event, him and the rest of the band rocking out for the charity function, Mithian's smile and introduction as the newscasters spun it quite favorably for him. He felt warm and healing, like he wasn't being pulled in a million different directions at once... Had it not been for Merlin, he was sure that he wouldn't have done it.
He's a bloody wizard...Arthur shook his head. He's my bloody wizard.
Arthur let three weeks go by before he did anything drastic. He didn't let up on his flirting until the point that even Gwaine said "it was enough, if he doesn't get it now, you'll have to do something". He agreed and so after most of the office had cleared out, he told Merlin to come in and see him. If there was nothing strange about it, Merlin's stomach wouldn't have done a back flip. But there was something strange about the request. Arthur had asked him to come in a tone he wasn't used to. He really wasn't sure how to handle it, but rather than worry he straightened his tie, his jacket, lifted his head and knocked politely on the door to the other man's office.
"Come in."
As he stepped into the office, Arthur motioned for him to close the door behind him as he swirled a glass of brandy in hand and leaned against the desk and contemplated the life that lead up to this moment.
"You wanted to see me?" Merlin asked.
"Yes..." he sighed, setting the glass aside and regarding the tall, slim man standing across from him.
To be honest it made little to no sense. Merlin had to be the most annoying personal assistant he'd ever met, and the most snarky secretary he'd ever had... but he was also the best, the most efficient and scarily in tune with him after that first meeting. Merlin said he'd only done what needed to be done at an efficient time, but it was more than that... It was the little things, like how hot he liked his coffee, how his suits fit him and how he hated certain styles. It was how he managed to make the letters that Arthur had no clue how to word sound exactly like what he imagined, organize his schedule sensibly, and always know what Arthur needed before he did... It was the little things like how Merlin knew how much he liked sweet pastries. The way he smiled, goofy and content, the general snark, hell even when Merlin was upset with him-as the other really seemed to have no capacity for anger- Arthur couldn't shake this... pull.
Yes, that's the word he was looking for... It was pull, a tug, an incessant jerking and dragging that was drawing him towards this man that he just couldn't explain...
"Is there something wrong?"
"I'm wondering what you're doing for dinner tonight..."
Merlin blinked tilting his head in confusion. Arthur didn't look phased, but Merlin saw a trembling light in his eye.
"If you fear that I'm not eating enough, you're wrong. I eat more than enough. I'm just skinny..."
Arthur shook his head, "That's not why I'm asking."
"Then why are you asking? You've never beaten around the bush before, don't start now. I might think the almighty, all-fearless Arthur was afraid..."
Arthur only chuckled, Merlin was always right... It was scary how right he always was, so he crossed the room, stalking Merlin until the man's back hit the door and blue met blue across a space that was at once tiny and impassable... At least that's how it felt, respectively, to Arthur and Merlin.
"What are you doing..."
"I'm not beating around the bush," Arthur replied with a sly smile. "Isn't it obvious?"
Merlin didn't say anything waiting for some kind of realization but it never came. The only thing that came was a strange twisting in the pit of his stomach and the back of his mind. There were parts of him rising up. In warning? In anticipation? In preparation? He didn't really know... After the thing with Cenred and Lot, he thought it was warning, but it wasn't as Uther had told exactly what he thought of Merlin. He didn't want to know, but before he could voice his confusion and wariness, Arthur's lips had mashed against his own.
Electricity and magic followed, rushing through him and out of him he could see the lights flickering beyond his eyelids, he heard things rattling beyond the distance of time and space that he was drawn down into. Over his moan and Arthur's groan, pressing against him. It was all so far away, even the physical euphoric jolt when Arthur slid his muscled thigh between Merlin's. Memories of him, not him... a different him? A different time? A different Arthur, but all the same, all the exact same rushing through his mind as if he'd only forgotten them and with them came the surge of despair, of longing and magic much stronger than anything he'd ever felt.
Another whimper at the phantom feeling of a knife in his side. Arthur grunted at the arrow in his back underneath the ecstasy of Merlin's taste.
They were in medieval dress on the cliffs of Camlan, at the Lake of Avalon... the waiting, the endless waiting...The Influenza, the inquisition,... the first World War and Guinevere... and again in the second, the death, Mordred across the battlefield at camp Camlan...Again and again and again and again... but it wasn't just the pain of seeing it happen again and again without fail... it was the feeling of despair and hopelessness to know that the Albion that he dreamed of would never come to pass... that as he'd written in his paper so long ago, Merlin, he, always got the shortest end of the longest stick in the universe and fate told him to just be okay with it. He was always responsible for its birth, but never able to take part in its pleasures with Arthur, or even alone. And the Tripple Goddess kept telling him to just be okay with it. With the years and eons of waiting, sleeping, dying by a lakeside tomb in hopes to see his blonde haired idiot rise and tell him something more than just "thank you". The thwarted chance over and over and over again to have him, to tell him the truth... He didn't do it for the sake of Camelot, he didn't endure the eons and millennia of rebirth, death, withering, and repetition because of some loyalty to a greater cause... He'd done it because he'd loved Arthur. And he was tired...
...And like every homosexual in a heterosexual male plot, he was left to support and die in the pages of history as the second hand to the greatest thing that was ever created and ever would be...
The war was flashing through his eyes now, gripping him and the first wave of despair came. Arthur in his uniform with Merlin a long side him, Guinevere on his arm and Merlin standing at the edge of the room, alone and watching. Alone... always alone... More than the moments of almost death, a great crushing depression swept over him, creating a pained whimper in his throat. He felt Arthur ease up on the pressure at his crotch, but not stop.
I can't!
Yes, Merlin is commonly known as the greatest warlock to ever live, but that title always comes after the loyal servant to the Once and Future King...
The second war, rushing into battle. Arthur clutching a picture of Guinevere in his hand, kissing it and shoving it into his breast pocket as they ran out into battle together. Never a kind word to Merlin, nothing more than a yell of, "For the love of Britain!" Not a glance back and the bullets that had pierced Arthur's body, but had pierced Merlin's soul as he had to hold his trembling, dying body at the end of the battle and swear that he would tell Guinevere that Arthur loved her, tell her that she meant the world to him, and was the last thought before he died. The knowing that he'd never remember... that he never would remember.
Why did I never remember?
Merlin is nothing more than the Echo to Arthur's Narcissus, the Victor Maskell to Nick Beaver, the Judas to the Jesus...
The cycling of time, that blonde hair strutting forward, never a look back no matter how loud Merlin was screaming. The chaos and terror of life after he was gone, the depression, the trauma or Arthur's dying breath always being "Guinevere...Guinevere... Guinevere...", and that one solitary "Thank you" in the history of their lives... never "Merlin" never "You're the best friend I've ever had" never anything that would make it hurt any less. Never anything to soothe the ache of living after that moment, alone and waiting before retro-aging, spinning through darkness and time and magic to look up into a new life, latently hoping that it would be different... Adopted, born, reborn, cycled back into infancy to forget and rebuild from the tatters of a soul, his magic holding him together... The memories pushed aside to foster a pseudo-integrity of the soul until he was ready. Until he turned 18 years old (the same age as when he'd gone to Camelot). When would it end?
He is never given credit, nor joy, nor happiness, nor an end, he is merely the functional Other in the dichotomous system of heterosexuality...
"NO!" Merlin screamed, pushing Arthur back and away from him. The blonde stumbled and fell to the ground looking up at Merlin's whose eyes were alight with a fire as he spoke. "NO!"
Arthur swallowed, trembling at the rush of desire that had come over him, and wondering if this was a reaction to that strange surge of history through his blood... He wondered if Merlin felt it too... It had been terrifying all these memories that weren't his own, but they were his in a sense... Memories of sleeping and awakening to the crisis at hand, but with no recollection of the others... Not like now when dozens of lifetimes were storming through his head, melding into his own memories like Tralfamadorian extensions back, but not forward. Every hit with the mace, every knife, every arrow, every bullet...every death.
"Never... never again... Never... no. Never," Merlin said shaking his head opening the door. "I won't be that Merlin ever!"
He stormed out leaving a dazed and confused Arthur. Maybe that had been a response to the memories, maybe it wasn't... But Arthur's experience was different. Through his memories, he'd only ever seen Merlin by his side through each Guinevere, the countless Mordreds and Morganas... he'd only remembered those harbored feelings and the anxiousness to see Merlin again after his long sleeps... That niggling feeling in his soul that made him take the second glance, or have a second thought... that slowly growing and coming to life ability and self-knowledge that grew over lifetimes instead of in one... the realization of his emotions... It had never been Guinevere... it had never been anyone else there... He'd always avoided it, doing what was proper, what would hurt less, what would salvage his reputation... what Merlin would have wanted... what he thought Merlin wanted for him...It had never been...
"Merlin wait!"
But the man was gone, rushing out into the cold December and down the street before Arthur had even managed to get up again. He sighed still feeling his lips tingling with something like happiness and an eternal joy finally coming to life inside him. The memories were cramming into his head and he watched them extend through the turns of time, memories he didn't experience but had of lives gone past all the way back to him throwing knives at that poor peasant.
"I would never have a friend that could be so much of an ass..."
He chuckled pitifully and nodded, Merlin was right. He'd been an ass, a prat, a clotpole and any of those other ridiculous names (which he now knew to be valid terms for the most part, Shakespeare and other wise) that he'd come up with. He'd been a fool... a blinded fool, a blinded terrified cowering fool!
Even as his memories coalesced, settled and extended back coming with nauseating waves of despair and darkness, Merlin didn't think on it a moment longer, catching the first train to Ealdor that he could find and running to that house he'd always called home-at least in this life time. He wouldn't have been surprised if there were sparks at the edges of his shoes or that his eyes were glowing gold, he'd gotten there much faster than he probably should have. When he reached his house, he opened waved the door and stepped in. Hunith got off the couch in a hurry and looked at him.
"Merlin, what are you doing?! You're soaked-"
"You knew," Merlin said. "You knew! You and Dad knew! That's the real reason you named me Merlin isn't it?!"
Hunith went quiet and she swallowed, "I..."
"You never knew before, why do you know now? Why... Why... Why didn't you stop me?"
He whimpered feeling the pain in his head again with all the memories crowding in for space, melting into him, changing him he could feel it. It was like reliving every life. Every sickness, every stab, every mace, every battle, every bullet... every death. He hated it, he fought it with everything he had, but it was no use. It was date and destiny, some kind of chemical necessity in the brain that had persisted and grown stronger through his life times. Memories crowded and and immobilized him, the feeling of growing and shrinking at alarming speeds, spinning down, down, down until he was staring up into his mother's eyes once more in all her versions and lives. He saw his father sometimes, flickering in and out of his personal history. She stayed silent, got him a towel to wrap around him, and rubbed his back.
"Come inside, get dry and we'll talk okay?"
He nodded mutely at her coaxing and stumbled to his feet towards the room where he'd left a few things to change into and rolling his wet clothing into a bundle to be washed later. He sat at the kitchen table with a towel over his head and a cup of hot tea in front of him.
"We didn't name you Merlin because of this... I didn't... really remember anything until you went to London for a few months ago... Everything came back to me in a flash, all the past lives in which I didn't remember, the ones in which I did... By then it was too late...You'd already met Arthur..."
He stayed silent sniffling as she sighed, "I'm sorry that-"
"All of that research... all of the writing, the promises, the swearing... the hiding, everything... only to find out that I don't have a choice in the matter... only to find out that it was all carved out from the beginning..."
"You always have a choice," Hunith said. "What you choose to do with this is up to you."
He snorted in derision. Choice? He wouldn't have chosen any of those past lives, but he didn't have a choice. Merlin didn't like it, but he didn't say anything. He stayed the night instead and headed back to London in the morning. All his memories were at rest now, in order and pacified at their due acknowledgement. He hadn't slept much, waking up on the edge of screaming sometimes, the bursts of magic...He took a breath and told himself to get a grip. There was no other choice.