So as I thought, 3 shot wasn't going to work. Maybe in another life I will master the art of a three part story. In this one it seems that at least four is necessary! Thank you kenya1234 for saying so. I completely agree... And I didn't want to really end it anyway. Surprises. To be honest, it practically wrote itself... which is a little more than telling that it probably should be.- Moving on!
"We are gathered here today to lay to rest a great and respected businessman," the preacher said. "One Uther Pendragon who shall live on in our hearts as the man he was in life...now that the Lord has called him home."
Merlin wanted to hug the man for the copious amount of avoiding the fact that Uther Pendragon was a terrible and evil man. He'd done a much better job that Merlin had expected given that he had very little to go on. But that didn't matter, as he turned to look at Arthur beside him. Nothing mattered if it wouldn't get that look of utter destruction off of Arthur's face.
Arthur didn't hear him, staring at the expensive black urn in his arms at a funeral of less than ten. They were just monotonous words formulated to sound nice when in reality Arthur may have felt better if the preacher just pronounced his father's terror on the world over, spit into the grave and walked away. It seemed like the man would have probably been happier about it too...Uther's remains were light in his arms and he thought it odd that all of that anger, hatred, and pride when burned at the proper temperatures weighed little more than a few kilograms in his arms. He had a feeling that if he was burying his mother, the urn would be too heavy for him to bear alone. It was an odd thing to think about while holding the remains of the man who raised you and fantasizing about a woman he'd never had the chance to meet. He felt Gwaine's hand on his shoulder and a gentle squeeze. Arthur stood in a solemn black flanked by Merlin and Gwaine. Gwen and Lancelot were there, Percival stood beside Gwaine, Morgana was there with Mordred, and Leon. Out of respect for Arthur they all wore pure black, dark make up, etc. There was no one else there and no one, save Arthur, had come to pay respects to the dead. They all had all the suits and trapping of woe, but he wondered if anyone there could honestly say they were sad to see him go... Arthur smiled bitterly in the midday sun.
When he'd gotten the news that his father was ill (much to Uther's protest) the doctors told him to prepare for the worst. They didn't know when, but they knew it was soon. He was sure that they meant prepare himself for what he would say to the fading man that may or may not allowed him to hold him as he took his final breaths, but Arthur didn't take that route as he was sure that anything that had to be said to the man, or could be said, had already been said. Anything that Arthur had waited his entire life to say, or to hear from the other, would not be said even on his death bed. It would have done no good to fantasize about something that would definitely didn't happen. So he did as exactly what they told him and imagined his father's funeral. He expected all of his business allies, his friends, the family to come. He imagined tears in waterfalls muddying the ground. He imagined the ground closing up and refusing to accept this reality, refusing to accept Uther's body because he would just wake up. He thought the sky would churn with rain to help hide his tears. He expected something more than this sense of fulfillment, he expected grief and agony.
He didn't feel anything.
There was no rain when Uther Pendragon died, nor did Arthur cry. The sky on the day of the man's funeral was bright and it was unusually warm. The breeze was cool, it wasn't muggy or sweltering, just pleasant enough that everyone wore light black clothing instead of what would have been customary given the time of year. He wondered then if on his mother's dying day (his birthday) had it rained? When they buried her, did the sky rip open with tears? He knew the answer of course, it always rained on his birthday, it had for his entire life. He didn't celebrate it at all, the only thing he did do was go to his mother's home and sit by her grave for a few hours in the rain. He talked to the statue, went through the photos hanging up around the house and had Morgana tell him stories about their mother. It had never been enough. He didn't think he'd have the same reaction on the same day next year. He didn't even know if the day that Uther died would be so ingrained in his psyche to make him remember it at all.
When he'd gotten the phone call over breakfast at his mother's family home, he heard the words and stared through the dead black years of everything he'd never gotten a chance to say and everything that should have been said. His father's guidance, nudging, pushing, and pulling, his oppression had come up with it and his stomach turned. He felt light... he felt at peace...He felt free. The feeling had frightened him greatly. He should have been mourning, he should have been rushing to the hospital or something, but he didn't have the energy for it. Just a sick feeling in the bit of his stomach like he was getting over the stomach flu and a heady lightness in his head.
"Arthur... are you alright?" Merlin asked across the table. He'd nodded and told him the he had to make a few phone calls and to carry on with breakfast.
He wasn't sure why he'd felt the need to lie to the man that could read him like an open book, but he did and went outside to lean against the house for strength and a sense of solidarity. His father was dead, yet no tears came. He wasn't sure if it was because he'd trained himself not to cry, or if he didn't have the emotions to foster tears, but it did not come. All his imaginings went unrealized as the sky was perfect, the wind was high, and there were children flying kites down the way. A scarlet red floated in the wind beside a dragon kite that swooped across the field and guided the smaller scarlet one with it. He could hear them laughing and wondered back on his years if he'd ever flown a kite. He realized that he hadn't and announced to Merlin that they should make kites and fly them since the weather was nice. It turned out that his mother had a stock of kites which were apparently used whenever she was feeling down.
Meredith told him that she and Morgana would go flying kites whenever the moment fancied them, especially when she was getting away from Uther's nonsense. When he walked into the collection room, his heart grew warm in his chest. It looked like nothing had been disturbed in years really, except the violently purple kite and the grey-ish blue one. He didn't know what shape they were, but from the colors alone Arthur guessed that they were Morgana's. He looked around at the myriad of tools and the craftsmanship of the one that caught his eye. It was a golden color, no doubt it was huge and looked like it had never been flown. Meredith informed him that it was the last kite his mother had made. She'd finished it the day she went into labor. He lifted the kite and spread it out to the beautiful stitch work and spread it out. His breath caught as carefully stitched letters became legible " Arthur". He felt the tingle in the back of the throat and lifted the kite up deciding that there was no reason not to give it a flight. Merlin chosen one that looked like a cloud and followed him outside. Merlin's cloud floated as if it had always been a part of the sky, and with a little help Arthur's dragon was soaring through the wind, wings spread and rushing. The letters were stitched into the back of the kite along the spine of the dragon and even at a distance it was spectacular. The scales weren't just golden but tinged red in places, the eyes were blue, it was a work of art. They spent the day running around, Arthur's dragging chasing around Merlin's cloud. They laughed and Arthur avoided the eventual return and the rest of his responsibilities for a moment. He didn't think of his father, he didn't think of anything really except what it would have felt like to run around the field with his mother, her kite (whatever form it was) rushing through the air with his and Morgana's. Their laughter feeling the sky...
He thought about what it would have meant for him to feel like a child and not an heir.
The skies stayed clear and the natural order of the world continued undisturbed. If anything, they seemed elated. When he'd made the decision to have him cremated, the flames lit like any other, but there was hunger in them that Arthur couldn't place. Maybe it was ironic that the force Uther had used on so many was claiming its payment on his body. His skull exploded out the back and Arthur watched the familiar face melt, decay and burn until it was no more. In minutes, the entire body was consumed in ash, scarped into the black urn he carried and he was carrying it towards the funeral site. Reporters swarmed, there were camera flashes, but no one asked him anything. He thought it may be because Percival was intimidating as hell, or they finally learned that somethings were better left until a few weeks after the body is buried.
He hadn't sent out invitations to the wake, or anything. He'd done it discretely as his father had left no will, no instructions for his remains and no instructions for the company either. Apparently, Uther hadn't expected to die. Shocker there... The board of advisors were holding a meeting, and he would have to meet with his father's lawyer to settle everything, but for right now, he was laying to rest the remains of his father- of Uther Pendragon. There were no tears, the ground opened willingly and he set the urn in the small hole and covered it by hand. He would have laid Uther's kite there as well, but Igraine hadn't made one for her husband. He hadn't found anything in the house that was meant to be his, but picked a bouquet from the garden to decorate the small grave.
"Goodbye...Father," he said as the preacher finished his prayer and left the scene as if proximity to Uther's remains would poison him and he refused to die within ten miles of the man's burial site.
The funeral party stayed there for as long as it took for Arthur to stand. Merlin stayed by his side, kneeling with him and taking his hand for comfort. That was the irony of funerals he thought. They weren't for the dead. They were for the comfort of the living, one last act of honoring the ones that are laid to rest. A sense of peace and fulfillment of duty that comes with a proper burial... the comfort of being together with people that mourned as well. But even in this group, Arthur felt alone. No one was mourning save him... he wasn't really sure if he was mourning either. Mourning required a sense of relationship that he was sure he'd never developed with Uther. He found himself able to mourn Igraine, a woman he'd never met except for a few moments that he couldn't remember, but not Uther whom he'd known all his life.
"You don't have to pretend," Arthur said softly. "I know... you all aren't here to lay him to rest."
No one said anything.
"I know you all are here...because I'm here. You can go...if you wish."
"We aren't leaving you," Lancelot said. "We'll stay here until you can stand...Like always."
Arthur's mouth kicked sadly and he squeezed Merlin's hand who said nothing. That was so like Lancelot... so noble and like Lancelot...and so like his knights to stand by him even when they weren't really knights anymore. Another ten minutes passed before Arthur rocked up onto his feet, taking in his last sight of his father's grave before turning away and announcing that it was time to go. They headed back to their cars with the promise that they would see him bright and early Monday morning.
"Take care of him," Gwaine told Merlin. "He needs you."
Merlin smiled, "I know."
Arthur climbed into his car, waiting for Merlin to climb in with them and they sat for a moment. Merlin said nothing, watching him as Arthur stared out through the windshield. It happened in slow motion. Arthur's head leaned forward against the steering wheel, his eyes flickering through the years of his fathers words and pushing. A part of him wanted to think that Uther only wanted what was best for him... never for him to feel like he'd done his best. He shook his head, there was no point in thinking about that now considering he was an orphan now. There was no point in fantasizing, or searching for a brief moment of happiness or a good memory to cling to. He would find none, not even in his past lives.
He was an orphan... and orphaned heir (but not like Batman, it was more like that woman from the Russian story who'd come into an inheritance and out of spite rode her horse through the halls to fuck up the tile work). What an... oddly familiar feeling. It was awe inspiring and heartbreaking all at once.
"Arthur," Merlin said softly. "I could drive if you'd like..."
Arthur shook his head, "I just need a moment."
"I thought we were supposed to be talking more... no more secrets?"
"This isn't a secret...there's just... a lot of Uthers in my head right now... and they aren't much different from one another."
Merlin swallowed as his head turned towards the other window and out into the sunny day.
"It's amazing that my father has such a presence that he maintains himself across lifetimes...it's heartbreaking that not once when I buried him... did I ever feel... I mourned but not... it wasn't..."
He sighed again.
"It was never of a child mourning their parent... I never felt much different... It was a sense of loss of solidarity and direction but never the loss of a parent...I was mourning a commander. There was respect... and honoring... I can honestly say I tried to love my father... in all my lifetimes, but ... but I never felt that love returned."
Merlin nodded. He could see that and as he looked back through his own experiences of Uther Pendragon, he tried not to wince. He could understand that and he hated it more than anything. He took Arthur's hand and squeezed gently causing the man to fling himself back against his seat and breath in deeply.
"Does it hurt?"
"God, yes..."
"Let's go home..." Merlin told him. "There's no sense in staying in a graveyard..."
Arthur agreed, turned on the car, and headed towards the de Bois family house. They spent the rest of the day in practical silence. Neither had the stomach to eat anything and all Arthur wanted was to hold Merlin close to him and sleep. It was something that Merlin could oblige. The flew kites again Sunday afternoon and drove home on Sunday night. When they returned to work Monday morning, an odd atmosphere had settled over the place. There was a feeling of uncertainty. The C.E.O. was dead... he'd fired the man that had been solving the problem days before his death and they weren't sure whether to mourn or to celebrate? What would Arthur do? Could he do anything? Arthur walked through the ground floor, Merlin trailing behind him, greeting people as they made their way through. He stopped on every floor to make the same speech: "My father is dead. The decision has not been made about the future of this company as he had no will, but I promise you to fight to make sure you all keep your jobs. Thank you for being so loyal and attending your duties in this time of grievance."
When he was done, he marched into the board of advisors. Merlin squeezed his hand and told him that he would be near if he was needed. Arthur wanted more than anything for Merlin to come with him, but knew that wouldn't make any difference. He stole a kiss instead and walked in alone, clinging to that feeling of warmth throughout the discussion. It turned out that the board of directors wanted Arthur to take over, thought it was a good idea and were behind the decision one hundred percent. He figured it was probably because he'd halted the decline in company revenue and was responsible for the slow return to normalcy. His father's estates and things would be left to him, he was responsible for both the Pendragon mansion and all of his father's personal effects, just as he'd been responsible for his father's body. As the meeting wore on, the fact that Uther was really dead became a closer and closer reality.
Uther is dead.
"I always thought the old bastard would out live us all out of spite," Morgana admitted. "I would rather have him alive than see Arthur like this..."
Merlin sighed, but couldn't help but agree. Even without the layering of memories the two of them were experiencing, it had never been easy for Arthur to deal with Uther's death. They'd managed to carry on idle conversation about Morgana's business and her charity endeavor with Mithian while waiting for Arthur to emerge. Morgana's goal in life was to restore the arts to their rightful place in society... Mithian was focused on getting the orphanage system in order and with less fucked up outcomes. They were making plans for something like a school for the arts boarding school, or something like that. All the details hadn't been hashed out quite yet. Merlin gave points of contemplation for the sake of conversation and to keep himself from glancing at the observation monitor as they sat in the Knight's Room and waited. Minutes ticked by like hours and when the door finally opened and Arthur emerged, Merlin was the first person out of the break room to rush up the stairs and towards the hallway Arthur was coming down. They met in the hallway in front of Arthur's new office.
Arthur grimaced and motioned him to follow him into the office. Uther had made his own changes back to his office in the few days he'd been back in power. It was just like Arthur remembered it before he'd taken over and his system of organization had taken over the room. He didn't dare sit in that chair that probably still smelled like his father's cologne. He didn't want to really be in the room, but he really had no choice.
"I've been given everything," he said. "I'll have to pack up my father's house and sort through his belongings... "
Merlin was making a list but Arthur shook his head, reaching for him and pulling him down to sit against the door with him, blocking out the world as best he could.
"We... we need to talk..." Arthur said softly. "Not now obviously, but... soon. Right?"
Merlin nodded, "Yes."
"I'll make dinner, we'll have a picnic at my mother's house..."
"It's yours and Morgana's now..."
"Morgana lives there," Arthur replied. "I always felt weird about living there considering I'd never known her."
"It makes you calm to be there though..."
Arthur nodded, "It does. I like the kites... it's peaceful. I can see why she did it."
"She would want you to feel at home..."
"Have you... ever met her? You know besides that one time?"
Merlin winced, he didn't think it was a good idea to say so, but he nodded and Arthur looked at him.
"You've... you've met my mother?"
"The crystal cave... I spent a lot of time there."
"What... What was she like?"Merlin sighed as Arthur leaned against him, "Do we have time to talk a little now?"
Merlin glanced at his watch, "About an hour for lunch."
"Talk to me then... I just want to hear your voice."
He just wanted something permanent and honest and warm.
"Igraine de Bois is wonderful," Merlin said softly, throwing an arm around Arthur's shoulders and rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. "You get most of your looks from her... The blonde, the blue, your skin tone...Your voice too...She's beautiful."
"Why do you say it like that?"
"Because I'm looking through my memories in the crystal cave... where she exists forever... and I'm speaking of you where I can see her all the time."
"Me?"
"You look a lot like her, blondie."
He chuckled a little.
"She's kind and warm... she would have never let Uther treated you the way he did... You might have actually not needed me to bring you down a few pegs if she'd been alive."
He laughed again.
"She was fiesty though, with Uther. She never let him get away with anything," Merlin said. "She loved you."
"Tell me more..."
They spent the remainder of the lunch hour talking about Igraine. When Arthur went to sleep that night, she appeared to him, full formed and smiling. Opening her arms and singing to him softly words of a lullaby that was half formed and foggy as their kites floated in the wind. Hers was a peacock in brilliant colors floating along in the wind. He wondered if she sung to him while she was pregnant, he wondered many things about his mother. But the next time he walked into the de Bois family house he felt like he knew her better. All the staff only had glowing reviews for his mother, and anyone that could tell him about her from before Uther were dead or changed employers.
He felt another twinge of guilt and irony that he wanted to know so much more about his mother when his father died... To be fair, Uther had a violent temper with Arthur with anything concerning Igraine. He'd seen a photo of her once among his father's belongings and when he'd asked about it, he'd been beaten into near unconsciousness. He still had nightmares about it sometimes, but not so much anymore.
After a week of press conferences, addresses, rude reporters and the like, Uther's posthumous hype had finally died down. Thus, Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday would be the time to get the more emotionally taxing work of going through his father's house and taking care of everything done. He got changed after work and went to go pick up Merlin. Gwaine, Percival, Mordred, Morgana, Gwen, Lancelot and their few month old twins would be meet them there.
To say that Uther's house was a house would be an understatement. The Pendragon estate, passed down since before Uther's grandfather, was just that, an estate. The mansion was just under two hundred rooms. It rivaled Buckingham palace in size, the lands were a rich green, forested with apple and peach trees, a vineyard, and much more than that. Most food was grown on property and sold at other times. It was beautiful and just outside of London, not to far for a commute, but far enough that the noise and the smog of the city had no effect on it. The gates were opened upon their arrival and they drove up to steps. Gwen, who'd never been there before, gawked at the size of it.
"It's... huge..."
"It's the family house," Arthur shrugged. "Used to be a palace of some kind."
Merlin only laughed, it did, but it wasn't originally the Pendragon estate. The Pendragons had taken it over from someone and had kept it ever since, but that wasn't so new. It was the history of the family actually. When they got inside, Arthur called the staff to the main foyer to make the announcement. They wouldn't be losing their jobs which had been the source of shock for everyone. They watched the news, they knew Uther was dead and the company had been in a decline, but seeing the golden haired boy they'd watched grow up tell them that they would still have their jobs was more than they could hope for.
"Instead, it will converted into an orphanage and school for the arts under Morgana and Mithian's direction."
Mordred stifled a snicker as Morgana looked utterly floor. Arthur turned to her with a grin.
"I'm giving it to you."
"Wha... how did you-"
"Mithian," he said in explanation. "This weekend we're clearing out anything of my father's or is not conducive to what this place is to become."
He hopped down off the table with a grin and announced that it was time to get to work. Most of the second floor had been where his father stayed. Arthur's old room was on the far side of the building. Miriam, one of the oldest workers of the mansion, promised them that dinner would be ready within the hour. Arthur told her not to rush, they'd have dinner with the staff which was sure to be a few hours later than intended.
Everyone took a room, armed with trash bags, empty boxes and duct tape. Merlin's phone played loud enough for Morgana to hear it across the hall, Arthur had a stereo going that was synched with it to blast it within the general area. Gwen and Lancelot's room were filled with humming along and rhythmic babbling of the twins. By the time dinner was done, they were already sliding things down the stairs on the dolly that Gwaine and Merlin rigged to carry things up and down the stairs, including people, babies, and boxes.
Dinner was an affair of laughter and it wasn't hollow for a change. Even Arthur found himself laughing hard at the memories Miriam and the other brought up of him and Morgana running around the mansion, playing hide and seek as children when their father was away. When Gwaine had been introduced to them as a cousin, the shenanigans only got worse. Arthur laughed hard enough to sputter soup through his nose and onto Gwaine who huffed, wiped it off and pouted.
"Why is it always me?"
"Because you're always there," Arthur told him with a grin and an apology.
Gwaine huffed but carried on with the mini party anyway. Pretty soon, all the festivities were over. The dishes were washed and put awy and people headed to their rooms. Only Arthur and Merlin stayed up in a small fort of blankets and pillows in the grand ball room with a tablet between them playing tic-tac-toe and making plans about reformatting the room for dance studios.
"A moveable wall," Arthur said claiming the center spot. "Only real way to do it. I mean what about prom and gatherings."
Merlin rolled his eyes, "Prom... what a bloody useless event."
Arthur pouted, "Hey, I enjoyed prom!"
"Were you prom King?"
Arthur huffed, "No."
"You're lying," Merlin said. "Well... maybe not if Lancelot was in the running."
"He wasn't actually, he was dating Gwen and didn't go to prom... Everyone else got to go out and party and I... well I was stuck with someone named Vivian who really needed to shut up."
"Friend of the family?"
"You guessed it- Merlin that's cheating!"
Merlin rolled his eyes, "It's not cheating. I won."
He huffed. He'd had the perfect strategy, yet Merlin won anyway.
"Not fair."
"It's okay," Merlin told him. "Try not to let it wound you too much."
Arthur grinned and looked at him, but the startling happiness was fading almost as quickly as it had come and Arthur cleared his throat.
"Is this... when we talk for real?"
"It's a little odd to think of spilling secrets of a millenia in the ballroom of the Pendragon house when you would have killed me at some point."
Arthur winced, "Is that a no?"
"Only if you want it to be."
Arthur looked at him, afraid of what Merlin would tell him but wanting to know all the same, "What... what happened?"
"A lot, you'll have to be more specific..."
Arthur sighed again, "Let's... start from the beginning then. How often did you save my life?"
"Lost count, at least three times a week on average."
"And you never thought to say anything about it?"
"I never thought to willingly be executed because of that, no."
"You never..." Arthur's voice faded. Thinking of how Merlin must have felt in that life time alone... always... always being so alone. Always having to hide behind that silly smile. "It was hard wasn't it?"
"Not really..."
"Merlin," Arthur urged, sliding a hand over his and pulling him close. "Don't lie to me..."
Merlin rolled his eyes, "I'm fine-"
"And I'm the King of England."
"... Well yes. Once and Future."
Arthur growled, kissing him for his snarkiness and planting himself half way on Merlin who groaned.
"God, you're still fat!"
"I am not!"
"You're so heavy... crushing me... can't... breathe..."
Arthur shook his head at Merlin's antics and waited for him to stop laughing to look at him, "Stop trying to distract me. Fine people don't dive into lakes and promise to slit their throats in the next lifetime."
He winced at that and looked away, "So... I had a moment of angst."
"You had more than a moment, try a couple lifetimes worth."
Merlin huffed and conceded the point. He was fairly sure he'd had a suicide attempt at least once every lifetime. If not more. The problem was that it never fucking worked.
"Talk to me," Arthur said, kissing him gently.
"What do you want me to say...?"
"Whatever you feel you need to. I just want to know... what you went through. I just want to understand."
Merlin took a moment to think, before looking back into familiar blue eyes full of love and patience. He curled up against Arthur's chest, burrowing into his warmth and listening to his heart beating strong in his chest.
"I thought I was the emotionally stunted one."
"When you get used to hiding everything, you can't expect me to just burst into song..."
"I'm not expecting you to. I know it will take a while but... but you have to start somewhere."
"I'm not sure you want to hear the truth."
"I don't want you to lie to me... I'm stronger than I look Merlin."
Merlin bit his lip. There was too much that would happen if he granted this wish. Too much that Arthur wouldn't be able to understand, wouldn't be able to handle. He wasn't really sure that he could handle dredging it up after all this time... Facing it.
"Start anywhere, I'm listening."
Merlin sighed and closed his eyes, glancing up at him, "You're sure about this?"
"I'm sure. I want to know."
"Do you understand what you're asking me to do?" Merlin asked looking at him steadily. Blue eyes vanished and reappeared in a flash and Arthur nodded.
Merlin was sure that he didn't, but he didn't bother to correct him. If they were ever to be as they should be, if they were ever going to be honest, Merlin had to go first as it was him that had the most to hide. So he closed his eyes, relaxed his guard and let the words come as they may.
"Running around after you, running around for Gaius, never having a moment's peace between MERLIN! and my stupid destiny. Or maybe you'd like it post-your first death, when I left Avalon and went to the Crystal cave and stayed there, growing old and withering but never dying? Calling for you, expecting you to appear but never did. My father appeared, your mother appeared, Freya appeared, but you never did."
Arthur bit his lip, hugging him a little tighter as the trembling started, but Merlin voice stayed steady and firm. The words were getting softer, they were floating away from him as he sunk down into the deep oblivion of his lives and all the truth that he could never face, hadn't had the strength to protect himself from. He thought it a little ironic.
"You never came Arthur... you never came..." He said. "I can remember when Camelot fell. It was raining so hard and I... I couldn't do anything to help them. No one had any faith anymore... All the magic users save me had done everything they could, or died out, and they were just waiting for it to end. I ran to Avalon thinking, surely you were awake. Surely, you'd come, but there was nothing. Not even a ripple out of place as the rain fell. He screamed, I called for you... and you never came. You never came... You never came for him..."
Arthur's insides jumped at the change. There was something happening to Merlin's voice. It was darker, raspier maybe. He?
"And when you did come, it wasn't because he'd called you, or I called you. It was an enlistment call. People that would never know you, only in legend, people that could never fathom everything behind their world could call you from death, but he couldn't. Merlin couldn't even get you to come to the Crystal Cave, yet he couldn't do anything when you were there. It was like stepping back into the past and it felt like home and hell all at the same time."
Home and hell?
"Who is he?"
Merlin made a noise and Arthur felt something like terror. It was his voice more than the "he" and "I". It had grown cold just as Merlin had started this rant. His body seemed alert to him, but not really embracing him and he felt a bit warm to touch. It was relaxed in his arms with a languid grace that he would have never associated with Merlin. Something told him that whatever was happening was deeper than he anticipated.
"Pretty soon I took home in hell... and it was comforting in a way... The pain was much better than feeling nothing or having him lose control and spiral into madness... Once was enough...But it never lasted, the despair always came back, the loneliness because he always had to be there to drag you to Avalon, to bury you, to deliver your message to Gwen... Because you would want that... and every time he tried to go too, the sword would break against me. He couldn't swallow the pills, the lake would cough him up, explosions would miss, bullets stopped as the exited the gun. A shotgun missed at point blank... But he didn't stop trying... even when he was with you. He didn't stop trying to die before you. Walking into fire, suicide missions he became a little more than suicidal and I became an adrenaline junky. He had a death wish and no one was granting it until they saw fit."
Arthur stroked his hair, soft waves and sniffed back tears. He? I? who was talking about.
"This was the first that you actually had to save him... Had you not come he would have died... I wasn't going to save him, he didn't want me to. He was stronger than ever about it, clamping me down, he's much stronger in his lifetime. Much stronger and much more fragile too... But that's because you never came to save him, I always had to. When he needed you most, you weren't there, I was. And now he doesn't really want you at all. How's that for irony? You never come when he wants you, but you come when he doesn't."
A moment of silence passed between them, "But he can never hate you. He can't help but love you... so I have to keep protecting him... from you."
Arthur took in a breath, the light flickered around them he breathed, "Merlin... who is he?"
The movement was slow, fluid. Merlin sat forward and looked up and the lights went dark. The golden irises that shouldn't have been there beamed out and chilled Arthur cold. Dear God...
"Do you understand now, Pendragon?" He asked. "Do you understand now what he went through?"
Arthur could only stare, "I... I... Merlin."
A slow smile spread and familiar and uncanny lips pecked his own, drawing it across his mouth and up his jawline, "mmm... something like that... You can call my Emrys if it gets too confusing..."
"Merlin...what... what is this?"
"This is what you wanted... you asked for the truth. You asked for me..."
Arthur shook his head, cupping Merlin's face in his palms, "I never asked for this... I never asked for this."
Merlin only smiled, "Don't worry Pendragon, he can hear you... it's just that whatever you say won't hurt him... What ever happens now won't hurt him... You'll only make my job easier."
"Your job?"
He grinned again, moonlight twisted through the high windows and spilled across his face. He was beautiful and completely demonic. It was terrifying, Arthur didn't know what to do. What to say...
"He wants you to know that he will never hate you."
"I wish you would... it would make it more nonsensical."
"Sense is apparently overrated," he replied.
"Did you...Do you still think of... of-"
"Killing himself?"
"Yes..."
Merlin shrugged, "It pops up as a good option every now and again."
"Merlin," Arthur started. "Don't... don't do that..."
"Do what?" He asked, with that voice that wasn't his Merlin. This wasn't Merlin, this was some other thing that he'd created. Had it been that terrible to deny every sense of himself?
"Trivialize it."
"But it is trivial, if he's learned one thing, if you've taught him anything, its that he is trivial."
Arthur blinked and smacked him across the face. Merlin didn't respond, looking at him before Arthur swooped in to kiss him soundly. He trembled in frustration and rage and helplessness. Merlin's body didn't react as if he felt nothing, as he saw nothing.
"You are not trivial," Arthur whispered. "Don't you ever say that. Don't even think it."
"Is that an order, sire?"
Arthur's eyes flashed with anger, "Merlin, don't test me."
"You asked for the truth, so let's continue," Merlin started with a smile that was so dark and so alien it made Arthur's heart stop for a while. This was something else, some other Merlin. Dear God...
"His most frequent, and my favorite, death fantasy was something like this..."
Merlin maneuvered Arthur's hands around his throat and clenched them to feel the pressure of Arthur's hands on the cusp of choking him. "Or you watching him burn at the stake."
Arthur yanked his hands back, staring wide eyed at him at Merlin's dreamy and dark expression. He backpedadled across the floor with Merlin prowling after him on his hands and knees. The movements were so graceful and beautiful, but terrifying.
"Merlin..." he stuttered. "Merlin you're scaring me..."
Merlin shrugged, "You wanted to know how he dealt with things... I deal with them, I deal with everything inside here. He's got quite the imagination."
The tapping wasn't what made Arthur's stomach lurch. It was the shape of Merlin's hand as a gun, the exit chamber, tapping against his temple where was sure would kill him if Merlin's thumb was actually a trigger. Merlin mouthed "bang" as he flexed his thumb with a dark smile.
"Brain matter like rain-"
"Stop it."
"So much blood-"
"Stop it."
"So much quiet, and peace-"
"Stop it!"
"And freedom." Merlin moaned at the sound of the word on his tongue and Arthur swallowed hard watching him.
He'd expected a lot... He expected some crying, some sobbing, he didn't expect an entire change in persona who writhed and flushed at the thought of shooting himself in the head.
"Merlin... is this how you stopped being angry?"
Merlin laughed, "Anger, such a silly thing. When I was in that cave with Agravaine... I wasn't angry. I was loyal."
Arthur blinked, "L-Loyal..."
"I killed Agravaine... He'd planned to... Well, I'd planned to. He didn't really want to. He's a merciful soul. But Agravaine survived the first throw... went on about us being alike and he just lost it... and I killed him. He would have been a catatonic mess when you arrived if I hadn't spirited away those words. To be fair, Agravaine pulled a knife on him. He thought he was faster... bet he thought it."
Arthur felt his stomach churn and he gasped at the simmering gold of Merlin's eyes. Their eyes met and he smiled.
"Do you understand, Arthur Pendragon? Do you understand?"
"Oh Merlin..."he whispered in horror. "Merlin..."
His eyes narrowed and Merlin stood, heading towards the door. He'd known that it would happen, that Arthur wouldn't able to deal with. That he wouldn't want to deal with it. He decided it was better to leave before Merlin woke up to something like "sorcerer" and "you're insane". He had a destiny to protect and if Merlin couldn't be healed by Arthur, he'd have to get stronger to make it to the next life. That was always the mentality and everytime he'd sewn together the broken pieces of Merlin, he lost a little more. Merlin was a little duller and he swore that he had to carry the little broken pieces and the little shreds of light, keep them safe, keep them warm, keep them glowing. If the light went out, then everything was over.
Arthur reacted immediately, scrambling across the floor after him, wrapping his arms around him to stop him midstride, he hadn't made it a step away from Arthur, before he was dragging the thinner man back and down to the floor. Warmth pressing up against his back, around his waist and across his chest. Wet, warmth, and salt slid down his neck and into his shirt dampening it. Merlin felt it, but it was the trembling that brought his attention into focus on the words.
"I'm sorry," Arthur sobbed pitifully into his shoulder. "I've done this to you... It's all my fault, oh Merlin... Please..."
His eyes narrowed and he fought against the embrace but Arthur didn't let him go, pulling him against him, rocking him gently. He didn't like this at all, what the hell was Pendragon trying to pull?
"Merlin," Arthur whispered. "Merlin, my love...come back okay? Come back and talk to me..."
"Why would I let him get hurt again? Why should I let you in?" He asked.
"Tell me it's not too late," Arthur pleaded, turning Merlin in his arms so they could see each other. The eyes were dimming, fading back to blue, but Arthur didn't see it. "I'm so sorry, I've done this to you... How could I have done this to you?... "
He didn't know what to say as Arthur pulled him against him and he felt Merlin stepping out of the shadows. He was so timid, so scared, but the sound of Arthur's weeping, apologizing, promising to make it right no matter how long it took, no matter what he had to do, had drawn him out of the shadows.
You can't be serious! What happens if he breaks you again?
Merlin shook his head, he didn't know. But he supposed that he would just be broken. The other sighed and shrugged stepping aside and letting Merlin through. He supposed that this really was the last chance, and only chance, that Arthur would get to save his future and save them both so he guessed they might as well take it. Besides, Arthur Pendragon didn't cry unless it was absolutely necessary.
"It's okay, now... It's okay..." Arthur whispered, his tears falling in grief as the other remained rigid in his arms. "It's okay, everything's alright now... I'm here. I love you. Please Merlin, I'll make it right... I promise... I'll make it right."
The gold vanished from his eyes and Merlin came into feeling Arthur's tears on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around him. Merlin reached up, twining his arms around Arthur, rubbing soothing circles. It was odd that he was comforting Arthur from the realization that Merlin had lost his mind somewhere a long the way. But he supposed, Merlin took just as much comfort in the fact that Arthur was so pained by Merlin's situation. Apparently, he was a man worth Arthur's tears.
"Shhh," Merlin hushed. "Don't be such a baby..."
Arthur made a sound and pulled him closer, crushing him with warmth and tenderness, "Talk to me... be angry with me. I did this to you..."
Merlin shook his head, "I did it to myself... to be stronger. To function no matter how much I wanted to. I had faith in you Arthur, that's all."
"And now?"
"I always will."
Arthur swallowed hard around the thickness in his throat, "I love you Merlin... I'll make it right, I promise."
"I know you'll try... and that's really all I ever wanted."
They didn't say much more that night, Arthur falling asleep on the floor in a mess of blankets and pillows, curled up to one another. In the morning, they worked to get the rest of it moved out of the mansion and turn over the place for inspection for Mithian and Morgana's team. They carted everything to storage to be gone through later. The staff of the house bid them all goodbye with warmth and pies for their trips and weeks. Merlin and Arthur shared a blackberry and rum pie with a pint of ice cream, curled up together on Arthur's bed Sunday night. The day after was a company holiday.
"I was serious when I said you should move in with me."
"My lease isn't up for another month."
"Is that a yes?"
Merlin blinked, "Well who else is going to keep you from getting fat. I'd hate to have to add another hole to that belt..."
Arthur laughed a little at it and pulled him closer, breathing in his scent, "Could I ask something?"
"Yes, you met my magic. Kind of psychotic isn't she?"
"She?"
"Yes, she... she likes you... she just doesn't like that I won't get angry with you."
Arthur winced, "I'm sorry."
"If you apologize again you'll be sorry."
Arthur's eyebrow lifted as he squeezed the other, "What will happen now?"
Merlin shrugged, "Guess I'll find out when I go to sleep."
"You haven't slept?"
"Not since last week."
Arthur huffed, turning off the lights and pulled the blankets over them.
"Good night, Merlin."
Merlin rolled his eyes and relaxed against the warm body beside him. Again he didn't sleep, woken up several times during the night, jumping up. Arthur had pulled him back down every time and for a while he would doze again. He knew what was happening, they'd talked about it. She was letting everything go for him to deal with... now that he had Arthur, or at least they hoped he had Arthur, there was no reason to hide it all from him. It was around four in the morning when Merlin woke up screaming. Arthur was awakened by his movement and pulled him close to shake him free of the nightmare. Merlin trembled staring into the eyes of someone that was no longer there.
"All those people..."
"Merlin-"
"All that blood... so much blood...I couldn't... I didn't... I didn't want to... Morgana... there was no other way. I had to... I had no choice... I-"
"Merlin!"
Merlin turned his eyes brimming with tears and Arthur pulled him up against him and told him to cry and scream and beat on him, to yell and be angry and it would be okay. The sobbing started, the heart-wrenching, body wracking and exhaustive sobbing that edge on hoarse screaming.
"The people I killed for you! In your name... In the name of Camelot... in the name of Albion... all those people! All the- I-"
Merlin hiccuped slamming his fists hard into Arthur's chest, intending to do as much damage as possible. Arthur let him, because he deserved it.
"I'm all fucked up because of you! I hate you! I hate you so much! I hate you! I hate what I became because of you! You and that damned dragon! I wished I'd never met you! I wish I'd never met you!"
It went on that way for what Arthur would swear was hours. Merlin screamed about everything, every stab, ever poisoning, the time he was raped and nearly beaten to death. Arthur knew he'd be black and blue by morning but he waited until all the anger had seeped from Merlin and he lay against him too tired and too emotionally drained to do much else.
"I love you," Arthur told him, drawing him up against him and stroking his hair. He kissed his temples. "I thank you for everything you've done for me, but please... don't blame yourself. You had no other choice and I... can never fault you for the things you've done or had to do to survive...I wish that you didn't have to do that, but I would rather have you here in my arms than have never met you at all."
Merlin sniffled as Arthur continued to stroke his hair and whispered words of comfort and love through the night until he finally fell asleep. Arthur slipped down to rest Merlin against his chest and breathed out into the early dawn light. He was completely winging this, but he figured that getting Merlin to sleep was the first hurdle on a very long journey that they would have to face together.
When Arthur woke up, Merlin was in the kitchen, making breakfast. Humming as he chopped and allowed his magic to stir the pot of oat meal and wash fruit. Arthur walked and practically started the man, the bowl of fruit clattered in the sink and Merlin froze. Arthur took the chance to kiss him soundly against the counter.
"Carry on," he said. Merlin did so hesitantly at first, knowing that Arthur was watching him with a glass of water in hand, propped against the counter. "I'm guessing you healed me this morning..."
Merlin flushed, "I'm sorry."
"No, I deserved it... and you needed it."
Merlin didn't say anything, but Arthur slid up behind him, to wrap his arms around him to tell him the truth. He didn't know what he was doing, to be quite honest the idea of going in blind scared the hell out of him. But he was doing it because he loved Merlin, and after all the times that Merlin has saved his Royal arse, it was his turn to save the warlock. Of course Merlin didn't hear it, because Arthur didn't say it. He didn't need to. He stretched his hand across Merlin's abs, feeling the fluttering muscles underneath. His other hand rested against Merlin's chest, drawing him back as he placed soft, trembling kisses along his neck. Merlin shivered at the tenderness and warmth while flipping ham in the skillet.
"Okay," Merlin said, but that didn't stop Arthur's gentle kissing. It didn't stop Arthur from doing anything, as soon as the oven was turned off, Merlin was in his arms, sliding up and down as Arthur thrust into him gently, slowly. He took his time, pinning Merlin against the couch, making sure he was comfortable, before the long, deep, and slow onslaught of pleasure.
"B-Breakfast will get cold..."
"Microwave," Arthur countered without missing a thrust. It took Merlin three hours to stop seeing spots and to feel his legs again after Arthur finally let him come. The meat had gone cold and everything that he'd been prepping had been set aside as they panted on the couch.
"Sexual healing," Arthur said before Merlin asked the question. "Sex therapy."
Merlin blinked at the off hand reference, but laughed, tossing his head back against the pillow and letting it fill the flat with sound as he lay exhausted. Sex therapy in deed. Arthur laughed hard with him, they ate breakfast and Arthur told him that there was something he needed to do. Merlin told him to give him a pair of crutches. They climbed into Arthur's car, Merlin on shaky legs, and drove back to the cemetery where Arthur buried Uther and walked towards it. He pulled Merlin along and the kneeled at the grave.
"I can't devote my life to you with this cloud still hanging over my head," Arthur told him before taking his hand and squeezing hard in Merlin's breathlessness before looking at the grave.
"I think it's pitiful that I had to wait until you died to get a chance to speak to you and you actually listen," Arthur started with a grin. "But that's okay, that's just how you were. Miriam told me it's why Mum left, and I was why she left finally... how I got here. She told me everything. I wished I'd heard it from you, at least then I may have kept some shred of respect for you...
I'm giving the Pendragon castle to Morgana. I know how much you'd hate that, but I don't care. She's a Pendragon too. Miriam told me about that too. It's interesting that all of your lies come out in death... So while you're dead I'm going to tell you everything you never though possible and when I leave this place, I want you to know that I may never come back, I don't hate you, and I will be happy. Camelot will be the greatest company ever and when I die, it will be placed in the hands of someone who knows what they're doing. You're probably ranting away in that urn of yours, but I don't care."
Silence passed a little longer, but Arthur squeezed his hand and took a breath and carried on.
"I love Merlin," he told him. "I've never been straight, Vivian was a witch and all my life you've kept me from being the only thing I ever wanted: me. I sing because it makes me happy, Holy Grail has been going on since high school and it's gotten more good P.R. than any philanthropic misadventure you'd ever had. I tried to love you, Father. I really did, but you made that impossible. You made it completely and utterly impossible. But I tried anyway and I tried to earn to affection in return... It's only now I realized that it would have never happened. You love me as your con, your heir, another version of you, you never loved me as Arthur. It's only now that I say this knowing that you won't have anything to say after... it's only now that I can tell you the truth. I know why Morgana hates you and I always said that I couldn't hate you... But I don't think I can ever forgive you, Father. I don't think you deserve forgiveness either. I can't love you father. I can honestly say that I can't love you, but I don't hate you. You were the only parent I've ever known, for some of the things you've taught me I am grateful. For the experiences we've had... I can't say the same, but i am grateful that I had the chance to meet you, to know you. To know exactly what not to be and for that I am grateful.
I'm going to marry Merlin, and we're going to be happy. So damn happy you'll be sick with it in Avalon, or where ever you are. Morgana and Mordred are going to have kids and if they want it, if they can handle it, I'll pass it to them. I'm going to be practically everything you never wanted me to be and I'm going to love every minute of it. I won't think of you any longer. I won't doubt myself. I won't hear your voice. This is where I buried you, and this is where you'll stay. Good bye, Father. Maybe next time, you'll remember this."
Arthur got up, pulling Merlin along and headed back towards the car. His walked was a confident light-hearted sauntering. There was no hesitation, no second look back as Arthur turned on the car and drove to the de Bois household, where they could hear Morgana's happy screaming in the distance and Mordred's laughing. They walked back to see Morgana's kite , a beautifully soaring fairy with flutter wings, floating in the wind, tied to her wrist as she hugged and kissed Mordred.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Ugh, get a room will you Morgana?!" Arthur yelled teasingly.
Morgana flicked him off rather than interrupting her kiss with Mordred who sunk to the ground with her rather than lose his balance and get them both hurt. Merlin watched the small family scene at a distance.
Marry Arthur?
Merlin flushed and Arthur turned back to look at him with a rougish grin.
"Yes Merlin, marry. How else am I supposed to give you constant sex therapy?"
Morgana and Mordred laughed at Merlin's embarrassed face as he glowered at Arthur for embarrassing him.
"Shut up and I'll turn you into a frog."
"... don't you mean or?"
Merlin grinned, "No, I mean and."
"You'll turn me into a handsome prince right?"
"I don't think that's possible... reversing spells isn't my strong suit. You're make an adorable golden frog though... we'll have to change Camelot's symbol to a frog. Not that much of a jump really, reptilian and all...I'd take really good care of you, give you plenty of flies to eat you know?"
Arthur grinned and sidled up to Merlin, lifting him into his arms, "Ribbet... but I'd rather eat you for the rest of my life instead."
Merlin blinked and they shared a moment of understanding before Merlin looked away. He was fairly sure that wasn't a good idea.
"Stop thinking," Arthur said, sliding a ring around his finger. "We're already two sides of the same coin, let's make it official."
"So romantic..."
"The Arthurian Romance wasn't very romantic at alll-"
"Shut up," Merlin growled.
"You could add it to your paper: the homosexual undertones of Merlin and Arthu-"
"Shut up or i'll say no!"
Arthur grinned, "You wouldn't."
Merlin shook his head and stomped away in mock anger, but he didn't take the ring off. Arthur was right, he'd never.