*RE-BETA'D AS OF 03.02.16*
Full Stop Chapter 3 By Atheniandream
I wake up alone,
With only daylight between us –
'Intro, XX'
It had been 2 weeks since her Mike-shaped-ambush and she still hadn't worked up the courage to do anything other than reign herself in tighter, to make sure that at all times, she was acting like her old self. Even if she found that distant panic making its claim every time the subject of his love life came up, she had her self-set orders. Sometimes she was okay. And sometimes...less so. Luckily, Mike had seemed to understand and in these moments usually shot her a look of concern and shortly after gave her arm a squeeze to which she was grateful for but still batted him away with a look of indignation just to save face.
In the 7th moment, she'd never felt an overwhelming relief taking over her usual need to comfort him. It wasn't often that she'd make a joke and he'd shoot her down with a very serious truth.
"Her brother has terminal cancer. She's leaving next Friday, for good."
"Harvey… I." She blinked, her head overriding her usual concern. "I'm so,"
She searched the eyes of her boss, just for a moment. He'd gotten this dull gleam in his eye from the pressures that Mike had caused recently, even if they weren't directly his fault, Harvey was the boss and he was paying the price. And as honourable a man as Harvey was, he wasn't sticking it to the kid, and instead compressing the tension down into a cubit sizeable enough to make it look like he had a constant headache.
She wanted to tell him that they could still work it out; that maybe if he told Zoe just how much she meant then she would stay. But, this wasn't a job offer; this was family, final and unbreakable.
He let out an audible sigh before saying "It's Fine," and reaching for a pen.
"Okay, let's go." She took the opportunity to snap shut the folder that he'd been working on.
"What? What the hell are you doing?" He replied gruffly as he watched her take the pen out of his hand and place it promptly back in the holder.
"WE are going out and finishing early." She told him.
"Donna, I can't...I have to finish this." He argued bluntly.
"No you don't," She sang, "I'll do it in the morning. You...have been working flat out for weeks. Now, its 7 o'clock, and you look like you could use a drink...a big one." Her eyebrow quirking with the truth of the matter.
She knew that when it mattered he knew better than to defy her, and so he complied, grabbing his coat, but not before grabbing Mike to finish off the paperwork and have it filed on Jessica's desk before he left and effectively ruin any evening the kid had planned.
For a change she made Ray drive them to a bar she'd been to a few times in the East Village near her apartment. A very small, somewhat quiet bar aptly named the Mini Bar, with a vague hint of Jazz and an olde-worlde feel to it, mock-thatch roof and wine bottles lining the walls.
He'd been the one to insist on paying, perhaps as a quiet thank you for taking him out of the office. It was times like this where they both fell back into their old relationship pre-memo; where she could always raise his day to end in a positive note no matter what the circumstances had been at the start. And not more than half an hour later, they would have ended up laughing and her making fun of him and him not minding so much.
But those moments for her were now laced with a longing for more of the same old, and him strangely distant and withheld. She longed for the days when she was oblivious to her own nature.
"Hey." She pulled him out of his silent moment. "Maybe there's a time for you both in the future?" She offered, the hope correctly set in her voice.
"What?" He frowned. "It's not that, Donna."
"Really…?" She eyed him pointedly.
This strange panic in her at the notion of him being with an important woman had subsided to a small bitter streak since she'd found that Zoe was in fact going to be removing herself from Harvey's life. Instead what replaced it was the little niggle in her chest that she wasn't enough to close that sore wound that he was now left with.
"Not just that. It's...everything." He sighed.
"Mike?"
"Yes."
"Katrina Bennett?"
"Hell yes,"
"Jessica?"
"Oh...so you do know about that?"
"Harvey it's my job to know. Just because I haven't spoken to you about it..."
"Actually...why haven't you spoken to me about it. Usually you can't wait to gossip?" His attention suddenly peaked. When she didn't respond quickly, he finished his beer and motioned for the bar tender to bring two more.
She ignored him, not ready to get into any of the locked closets in her head. "Maybe Jessica will come around, see your good intentions?" She silently thanked the bartender as she moved onto the next beer, feeling the cold perspiration of the glass bottle and the slight burn of beer in her empty stomach.
He arched his brow, taking a large swig of his beer. "I don't understand why she's so against me being the other Managing Partner. The firm is weak. Together we can make it stronger." He huffed.
"Maybe the Hardman situation hit her harder than you thought it? Maybe harder than she's willing to admit?" She reasoned. "I mean...she was hand-picked by him and mentored? And she has shafted Hardman quite a few times in the last few months. Maybe she's scared you'll do the same if it ever came to it?" She saw the beginning of his objection and continued. "I know you wouldn't Harvey, but maybe Hardman never thought Jessica would do the things she's done."
"Where do we go from here?" He asked.
The question was such a simple one, but it had so many meanings to her right now.
"We'll get through it." Her sincerity was masked by the haziness of her third beer taking effect.
"How…?" He asked, and felt the full weight of his question in his need for an answer. For an absolution that could get him through.
In her hazy beer-fog she put her hand on his shoulder. "Because I'm Donna, and you're Harvey. And we'll do what we always do…Win."
"I knew I brought you with me for a reason." He smirked warmly, his own face seeming to relax against the flow of alcohol.
Instead of fuelling a happy camaraderie between them; it only clarified the moment.
"Why did you bring me with you, from the DA's office?" She asked him.
His face fell then, a caution about him. "I told you, you're the best. I needed the best."
The answer caused her to be silent once more, taking another swig of beer.
"What's with you?" He asked her. "You've been like this for a while now. Don't think I haven't noticed." He eyed her over the neck of his beer once more.
"Yeah," She replied, tone detached as her eyes searched the half empty bar, a stifling feeling overcoming her, until his voice snapped her back into their bubble.
"Mind letting me know what I've done? So I can at least argue my way out of it?" He half joked.
His honest nature made her chuckle bitterly, "You…You haven't done anything, Harvey." She backtracked.
"You sure? Because you've not been the old Donna for a while now..." His eyes closed on her, slight concern painting his features. Her eyes were drawn into his, and for a second she never felt more vulnerable. Mike was right. How could he not be? He'd noticed before she'd even considered the reality of it and now she felt a fool for thinking that upping her game had made her actions anything but transparent.
This 'being read like a book' thing was starting to get old and quick.
"Okay." She recoiled a little, realizing that no matter how intimate, they were in the moment, chairs close to each other, slouching on the bar, within arm's reach, they *were* for all intents and purposes still in a bar. "I'm going to say something, and only because … Mike's making me do it."
"Mike's not always a smart kid Donna. Wait…what has he done now?" His temper immediately flared.
"It's not about Mike." She placated.
"Good. Because I think we've had enough of Mike for both our lifetimes," He remarked.
"Harvey," She chided.
"Donna...?"
"Okay." She took in a deep breath, the beer making her sluggish and a touch frivolous.
She was glad it was Friday.
That meant she had two full days to look for a new job if it fell apart around her...
"Since coming back, things have felt…different. And I don't know if it's being put on the stand, or what, but -."
"We've been different." He interrupted.
"…Yeah," She nodded, her eyes suddenly finding his.
Trust him to know exactly what she was getting at.
Sometimes she didn't give him enough credit.
"And Zoe didn't help things," He clarified.
"I *do* want you to be happy, Harvey," She
"Just not *that* happy?" He joked softly, making her laugh then.
Suddenly her eyes glazed over, both to their surprise.
"We agreed that it was best to...just be an awesome team." She said, trying still to reason with herself.
"We did. I did object." He told her.
She swallowed, as he continued. "I remember vividly. You were all red hair, Egyptian cotton and owning my ass." His features sharpened, lips pouting slightly or was that just her drunken head? "But...we're a little late for second thoughts now don't ya think?"
"Easy for you to say, you found somebody already!" She eyed him over the swig of her beer, and silently praised herself for saying the words.
His attention on her sharpened, causing a shiver to creep up her spine.
"Just because I care about someone, doesn't mean it's the end of the dance. I know better than to hedge my bets on one woman, Donna. I should have asked her years ago." His eyes hazed as he retreated for a second in thought.
"I am sorry." She told him.
"No you're not." His voice sounded hostile, but there was a playful smile in his lips as he necked another bottle.
Changing the subject, she looked at her watch. "I should text Ray soon."
"I already gave him the night off." He noted.
"When?"
"While you were in the bathroom, Nosey."
"Oh, aren't you the helpful one." She remarked, giving him a look. "Well, I better go,"
"I'll walk you," He immediately got up from his chair.
"Harvey, you don't have to,"
"I'll walk you,"
"I'll get a cab,"
"Donna!" He insisted, a tense look on his face at her refusal.
Donna knew one thing,
When to be quiet…
The 8th time, she knew it would all be a mistake that would unravel them.
The night crisped around her feet, crunching her heels into leftover snow she hugged her winter coat around her as they walked silently. She watched people walk past, couples laughing, couples in deep conversation, couples at ease, couples in love… sometimes she felt like she had missed everything in the universe that had once been so important to her; a promotion that matched her talents, children in various stages of school, a husband who adored and challenged her. Not only was society screaming for it, now so was she. The idea of Zoe hadn't just broken her, it had broken the notion that what she had had been enough. All the sacrifice, all the late nights, all the fierce support and drive she had put into the stunning man standing next to her only to cheat herself into thinking it wasn't all towards something was starting to leave her empty.
She felt that queer feeling in her gut returning as they reached her building.
"Harvey, I have to something to say and I need you to just listen."
"Okay…" She could see by his expression that he didn't like where this was headed, but instead of objecting he waited like a gentleman.
"I think that memo broke me-Us."
"Okay..." He repeated, frowning in a slight confusion.
"I did choose you over a man...over my last boyfriend. And what's worse is that I'd do it now, in a heartbeat. And you know the really sick part? It took a memo and a mock trial and Mike to grab me and throw me in the damned disabled toilet to tell me that I loved you and the only one not aware of it was me," Her head started to open like the dam had been broken and the floodgates had been ripped apart as she started to gain momentum of thought. "And somehow, now, I'm jealous of the one woman you might actually be in love with, and I just can't be that person, Harvey. *We* only worked whilst you were screwing everything in a skirt without a care in the world and I could pretend that I was the secret woman in your life that you couldn't have but that just… it isn't true. It isn't us anymore and I meant it when I said that maybe you shouldn't be my Boss anymore and now I realize why and GOD can deliver a monologue." She puffed out an exasperated breath, flicking her hair a little.
"That goddamned kid…" he groaned clenching his fists straightening his posture.
"Mike's right, Harvey. I have to live my life. And can't do that if I'm invested in yours… so… I think I should...find another job. Please...consider this my official months' notice."
She turned on her heel grabbing hold of the cold steel handle.
For a timelessness lost in a second she felt like she could breathe.
That was of course if she completely ignored the other person in the scenario.
"So you're just going to leave the sinking ship huh?" Anger laced his voice as he followed her.
"Harvey," She frowned, noticing his sudden temper. "It's not that simp-"
"I need you Donna, I thought you understood that." He said, his faced pained.
"You can't just have me that way Harvey. It's destroying me, and that is not the kind of person that I want to be anymore."
"But…I need you…" He managed.
She looked into his eyes then, his slightly unfocused gaze, the way his jaw clenched and his nostrils flared ever so slightly, holding all the pressure in. He closed in on her, her hand still fixed to the handle. He never looked so handsome and yet so dangerous in his entire life.
"Donna, I get it. I really do. But I can't right this ship alone. I need you there, with me, Donna." He told her. "I need you, and you know I don't need anything."
The admission was beautiful.
But it wasn't enough.
"And I need to be loved, Harvey." She pulled the door to, "I better,"
"Donna, I-"
Losing a battle was never a colour that Harvey wore well. His shoulders hunched and his face darkened.
She made the move whilst there was still time. "Look, maybe after I go and fill whatever's missing, maybe I can come back and be the best secretary you've ever had the pleasure of hiring twice." She smiled sadly, breath in her throat hitching, trying not to take in his reaction.
Without even waiting to hear him answer she disappeared into her building, bolting the door.
She didn't sleep until the sun came up.
Future note: So weird that I wrote this years ago. Their relationship hasn't changed after all this and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Old note: Trying to take it some place new that I've never read before, but It is HARD ;) Feedback always appreciated. More coming.