*RE-BETA'D AS OF 05.02.16*
Notes: Thanks so much for all the reviews, there is some Mike/Harvey in here...my favourite developing bro-mance.
Chapter 5
Take me back to the way that I was before,
Hungry for what was to come,
Now I am longing for the way I was. 'Don't save me' ~ Haim
Getting out of the cab, Donna was met with the full implication of the event. This would be the last time she would be part of this firm. Something she'd invested so many years into would no longer be her concern. And one thing she thrived on was concern, the need to rise to the occasion, to beat the queue, solve the riddle. But there would not, from this day on, be any need for her to involve herself in the matters of Pearson Hardman. She walked up to the door, nodding thanks at the doorman as she glided into the venue.
It was time.
However, there were still things she didn't want to be asked or told tonight:
'Why are you leaving the firm?', and for those with gossip on their lips and alcohol on their breath:
'How could you leave after being Harvey Specter's assistant for nearly ten years?'
And,
'How was Harvey taking all of this?'
She was sure all of them would come up...
"Donna!" She heard Rachel before she saw her until her waving hand could just about be seen over the very busy bar. She inhaled a long breath, levelling herself before sauntering through the huge crowds of people. It was Friday night in New York after all, it was no surprise that crowds were lining blocks from the East Village to Brooklyn; but the turnout for her was giving her goose pimples. "So glad you're here, I was a little worried you were going to cancel, we're just in the back.", said her friend, ushering her along.
She could see Mike at the bar, being ceremoniously ignored by all the bar staff as he waved down staff at random; Louis with a gaggle of fearful Associates too scared to venture from his side by the sheer third degree he was giving them all. Harold, who she'd noticed had turned up even though he was no longer a member of the firm, accompanied by a lawyer she vaguely remembered as the one being asked to leave over Rachel's out-of-character suspension and a leaked client list. He didn't seem to look like a guy out of a job, she noted. She also saw a couple of people she'd befriended from 46th floor during her swift stay there...and eventually she saw Harvey sat quietly next to a glass of amber liquid and a standing Jessica.
Norma, however, was nowhere to be seen.
Most likely she'd receive flowers from her in a few days time with a laboured and mildly entertaining excuse.
Spying the Big Boss hovering awkwardly, her lack of drink and the bag in her hand revealing that she had only come to say her goodbyes, Donna thought she might as well start with her. Better to rip off that Band-Aid…
"Hi Jessica, thank you for coming, you didn't have to," She smiled.
"I'm not staying, but I thought I'd just come to say … thank you. You've been an asset to Harvey and the firm and I am grateful. I hope you find what you're looking for."
She knew Jessica. She wasn't always a woman known for her words, sometimes she just had to look at you and you knew where you stood. Since Donna had been back, Jessica had seemed hardened with regards to her; accepted her help and assistance in matters that could save the firm, especially with Harvey, but from a personal standpoint Donna could feel this slight animosity, a disapproval. She supposed that deep down both women were well aware of why she was leaving, and why her ambiguous relationship with Harvey was just as helpful as it was something to hinder them all.
"Thank You Jessica," She said, watching the woman glide away, the image of her last cordial-but knowing smile chastising her.
'Don't treat me bad
Just be glad I am strong
I know where I belong'
And soon you will see
We are blessed and complete,
There's a place here for you with me ~ 'Where I belong' Sia
After an hour of being accosted by every Associate in the firm, their infantile approaches to flattery met with half-acceptances, she'd finally found a minute to confront Harvey, who hadn't once approached her and had barely even acknowledged her save for a pointed look when she'd first arrived. Eventually she found the right moment, until his own Associate had jumped in.
"When I said what I said, I never intended for you leave, Donna." His honest expression hit her like the puppy she always considered him to be.
She sighed. "Mike... this is *not* about you," She smiled, giving his arm a gentle squeeze.
"I know but, I don't want you to go. Harvey doesn't want you to go, either,"
"I know Mike. But it's not...I'm not," She paused, feeling the honesty start to bleed out of her. "Sometimes, things have to change, Michael."
"Is this really what you want?" He asked, his eyes piercing blue.
"It's not the same since I got back," Her honest words drew him in closer, making them more intimate in the rather loud room.
"And you can't just talk to him?" He saw her clamming up and rushed to continue. "Look, all I know, is...when we were under attack, Harvey settled the lawsuit against the firm. I told him that I had made you come to the trial that day and he didn't know, he assumed that it was because you asked him...and then...he settled."
"Mike, Harvey will always, always protect himself and the firm, first and foremost. I accepted that when I took a job with him."
"Maybe he's changing?"
This kid would be the end of her, eyes honest and opinion infallible, it grated on her and yet, it lit a small part of her. Inch by inch this young man had woven into her heart. If she'd had little brother, she'd hoped he would have been something like Mike Ross.
"Some things never change, Mike," She assured him with a small smile.
She really was going to miss that small pain in the ass. Occasionally hers.
And if I had to beg for your love,
Would it ever be enough? ~ 'Don't save me' Haim
She found him towards the back, leaning against the bar with a Macallan on the rocks with a twist. Clearly his fantastic mood had scared even Mike off.
"So, you gonna sulk all evening?" She asked, hands coming to rest on her hips with an indignant look plastered all over her face. He'd probably been downing Scotch since he'd gotten here because his edges were worn down, that bravado he wore was just slightly off kilter, suddenly looking mismatched with his classic style.
"This is stupid," He drawled, rolling his eyes like the whole situation was a grand waste of his time.
"I know you don't agree with my decision, Harvey. But it's happening." She said, his mood grating on her.
"What happened to being a team, Donna? You can just leave like that?" He asked her.
"I gave you a month, Harvey. It's not my fault you haven't found a replacement yet," She started to feel very irritated.
"There is no viable candidate," She watched as he looked down at the twist caught up in a mini tornado as he swirled the amber liquid around in his glass.
"Couldn't you just be happy for me?" She frowned, the ire in her rising.
"Fine," He said, his eyes dull. "I'm happy."
His detached reply immediately set her off.
"Seriously, could you cut me a break for just one second?" She said, that fire that she tried desperately to quash flaring up now in her belly, mixing with pineapple and vodka and intent. "You know what, you really are a jackass. This is my night and I'm not going to have you pulling me the hell down with you."
That piqued his interest then. "Excuse me?" He winced, putting down his glass.
"I know that your girlfriend had to leave you, Harvey, and I'm sorry about that, but that is not my problem." She couldn't help but let the alcohol - 'Flirtinis' being her choice poison for the night - fuel the last weeks worth of frustration.
He laughed, clipped and guttural. "You think this is about Zoe?"
"Well…isn't it? Either that or you're the most emotionally underdeveloped nearly middle-aged man that I've ever-" She let out a strangled sound of frustration. "You know what, Harvey? Do what you want." She barked at him. "I no longer have to navigate through the world of 'Harvey Specter' as of..." She paused, faking the time. "Two hours ago," She spun on her heel then, looking for any exit or a washroom that she could find to calm herself down out of the way of prying eyes.
Before she'd made it to the second set of doors a hand had grabbed her shoulder pulling her back around, bringing his lips to hers.
She'd forgotten what it was like to kiss Harvey Specter.
'We used to get closer than this,
Is it something you miss?' ~ 'Chained' The XX
The 10th time was like the 'other time'.
His back hit the doors as she'd pushed him out of the second corridor, hands fumbling, faces full of fire. His lips crashed against her shoulder, sweeping up her neck and jaw line as he gasped in the smell of her, heady and sweet and coming from all over. He roughly grasped at her hips, pulling her flush against him, asserting himself as he pressed her body against the wall. She shivered, sucking at his tongue and mouth as her hands fingered his collar.
"I want you to stay," the heaviness in his voice weighed down the meaning in each word.
"I can't," She said through their fighting mouths.
"Stay." He pleaded.
"Harvey…" She breathed.
"Be someone else's Assistant, just stay," His lips and teeth collided with hers again, sucking roughly.
"That wouldn't work," She gasped.
"Then be mine." He said, pressing more than enough emphasis on the last word.
It scared her. The words and the way they brushed in warm air past her cheeks.
"It's not working anymore Harvey," She managed, her eyes searching his as her heart began beating faster and faster.
With that, he pulled away, her words stunning him for a second, his face betraying an expression that she couldn't decipher. Then he changed his mind, returning against her, his hands sliding up to her face as his breath came in small shallow gasps. "I don't want to know what it feels like to lose you. I can't,"
They paused for a moment, connected in silence and breathing together, catching each breath as the low blue lights contacted black vinyl walls blurring the view of their connected form. She braced herself against him, regained her balance and gently placing her lips softly on the line of his jaw, his cologne making her heady. Her lips grazed his ear, just long enough to whisper her reply.
"You never had me in the first place," She answered, before sliding sideways out of his grasp and back into the party.
The click of her heels had silenced them both.
After all they'd been through, whether or not he meant every word,
She would never let herself be closed by Harvey Specter.
That was the line.
When she returned, Rachel - being ever omniscient that evening - was waiting for her. She'd checked herself in the glass walls so that her hair didn't look out of place, but she hadn't had time to put anymore lipstick on and Rachel would notice the prolonged absence, or at the very least Mike would. Luckily, he was too busy avoiding Louis's needy comedy routine to notice; otherwise god knows what he'd have put together.
"Donna, are you okay?" She asked.
"Fine!" She replied, feeling a little wide eyed and out of breath but completely wired.
"…Where's Harvey?" Rachel asked her, eyes concerned.
Some things you couldn't hide from those who knew you...
"He had to go outside, Phone call." She replied, the fake smile not lost on herself. "Let's get a drink." She offered.
You know I love you so,
Even though I can't get you now
You know I love you so,
Forgetting all of my tries
You know I left you lonely
You always leave me with doubt
You know I love you so,
And so, 'Love you so' ~ Delilah
When Mike opened the door at 1:40am, his Boss was the last person he'd expected to see.
"Evening… or is it…Morning?" He side stepped as Harvey marched into his very small apartment.
"So I gather you didn't make a huge mistake with…Rachel this evening?" The slight drawl and ease of tone wasn't lost on Mike. He eyed his boss as the man walked awkwardly around his very small living area, clearly something praying on his mind.
"No, we're um, we're just trying at being friends-did you want something? And where did you go earlier? We were looking for you but you just...took off,"
"Yeah, I went home," He answered, picking up various inane items that he found.
"Why didn't you stick around, you didn't even say bye to Donna?" He asked.
"...I kissed her..."
"What?" For a moment the young man was completely taken aback. "Nooo...really? What happened? I assume nothing good or you wouldn't be... here." He wagered. "Not that I don't enjoy my Boss dropping by in the middle of the night unannounced."
Harvey looked pointedly at Mike before continuing to casually pick through his things.
They didn't need to say it.
Mike had interrupted many an evening since he'd started working for Harvey.
Maybe this was just something that they did?
"Harvey, are you drunk?" He asked then, noticing the older man sway slightly.
"Not as much as I need to be to have this conversation," He remarked heavily. "Do you have beer around here? I pay you enough,"
"Wow, did you have any friends in high school? Or did you go around all their houses and take their cookies..." Mike countered, walking to the fridge pulling out two beers, knocking the tops off and handing one to Harvey.
"Isn't that more of a kindergarten deal?" Harvey remarked, nodding slightly as he accepted the bottle from Mike.
"Start from the beginning," Mike ordered, planting himself comfortably in a seat.
"I was trying to get her to stay," Harvey said, rubbing his hands over his face.
"And that was the only card you had left to play?" Mike joked.
"No...it wasn't like that," He waved off the insinuation; sitting in what later they would refer to as his usual spot at the little dining table. "In the beginning, when we were... your age,"
"Thanks Grandpa," Mike joked.
"We were reckless, we skirted the rules in every sense, everyday, but we were driven. She was this fiery redhead with legs that could touch the sky and eyes that could shoot down a guy at fifty paces. And every guy in the DA's office wanted her as their secretary or at the very least spread out on their desk, including Cameron, but…" He paused, his eyes taking in the surroundings. "She chose me." Harvey watched as the young man's face lit up with intrigue, to which he promptly shot down. "Unlike them, I promised her that we could rise to the top together, and that I'd win every time. And I said I'd do it without ever trying to get her into bed."
"Well you kept your promise back then,"
"That was the easy part. The hard part was not crossing the lines...Jessica had an eye on us from the moment I came back. She told me to be careful more than a few times..."
"Jessica actually said that to you? 'Be careful?"
"Jessica's a smart woman, she doesn't say anything until it needs to be said," Harvey noted.
"Because you tested the lines," Mike suggested, waiting for his boss to continue.
"Before we even made to the firm,"
"Oh my God."
"Yep." Harvey sighed, taking another lengthy swig of beer.
"I guess this is what she meant..." Said Mike.
"What…?"
"She told me that it was possible to come back from the place that Rachel and I
were at. At the time she never elaborated and it always made me wonder if she meant you...did you two..?"
"Just once..."
"So she's the only women in Manhattan you haven't slept with twice?" Mike asked.
"You're a comedian, you know that?" He countered, balancing the bottle from one hand to another like a catcher's mitt and ball.
"So what happened tonight?" He asked.
"Tonight, I just...I didn't... I *don't* want her to leave."
"Harvey, she already left,"
"Why do you think I kissed her?" He remarked with a look.
"And what did she do?"
"Oh she...kissed me back." He smirked, living in the recent memory. "Then, she said she wouldn't be...closed by me."
"Were you trying to...'close her'?" He asked, trying to clarify the events at hand.
"No, I just..." His sentence stopped mid air, the usual need to keep his thoughts to himself taking over. "I wanted her to stay."
"You know what works?"
"I have a feeling you're about to tell me," He countered, his voice heavy.
"Telling her how you feel?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" He frowned then, his eyes narrowing.
"Harvey," He sighed, standing up as he padded over to his fridge.
This was a two beer question.
And Mike Ross needed the Ammo.
"Look, I know you're not exactly Mr Reveal but," He paused, making sure to hand his Boss the next cool bottle. "In the interests of why you came over here...I have to ask...Do you love...Donna Paulsen?"
I left it here because cliffhangers are like awesomely horrific torture. You're welcome ;-)