I come into my house, go up to me room and slam the door shut! I don't want anyone to disturb me at this point. Everything's stupid! I hate feelings. They can all go away, I don't need them. They are a waste of my precious time. As soon as I'm safe in my bed curled up under the covers I start to sob. The tears just flow out of me.
I hate this! I hate feeling like this. I haven't even known her for long and she already has this effect on me. I want it to disappear I want her to disappear. I'm so sick of the knot in my stomach and lump in my throat. It hurts too much, I can't stand the pain, I feel like my tears are blinding me. People see me as strong but inside I'm breaking. So much for being a rock. I feel my heart beat getting weak so I pull the covers up closer to my head. I must have gone through a million tissues by now, and there starting to make a mountain by my desk.
I wish I was her girl. I wish my smile was her favorite kind of smile and not that guy she was with. I wish I could hold her hand when she was upset and make her feel better and I wish that I was the last thing on her mind when she went to sleep and the first thing on her mind when she wakes up but I know that'll never happen.
I wish I could wake up to the sound of her breath on my neck, with the touch of her fingers on my skin holding me close, with her lips against my cheek, the feel of her heart beat beating with mine knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone else but her. I feel lost, stupid knowing I'll never have her, I feel pathetic for wishing those things. I feel weak.
Now I am just lying in bed, lying in the dark with the pain inside me. I can't stop the tears but I wish for them to go away. I know it's not worth it to cry. It's not worth it to cry over something you never had. I don't want to be one of those people who cries for stupid things, I don't cry. Yet every time I try to fight the tears they come back like there's no end to them.
As I'm lying here thinking about all the thing that are going through my mind I feel myself being disrupted. I have finally managed to reduce the amount of tears flowing out of me but now I hear footsteps coming upstairs. I hate how they always have to check on me, I want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm just starting to pull myself together and I don't want to break down again when they come into my room.
Puck and Quinn always try to be there for me, I love them so much but this is not one of those times I want them to make me feel better. This is one of those Santana wants to be alone times. I hear the footsteps coming closer, who ever it is they are trying to be carful, to not be loud.
The footsteps come closer until they're right outside my door. Then, they stop. I look up from my bed to see the shadow that is outside, they're just standing there. Then after a few seconds they leave, that's the first time I smile since I've seen Brittany. I want her out of my head, I want to go back to how things used to be before I knew she existed. My eyes are getting heavy, all the crying has worn me out so slowly I decide to close my eyes and try to sleep. I curl up in my bed and let sleep over take me falling into a nice quiet slumber.
Brittany's Point Of View
I can't believe what happened today. I can't believe I was such an idiot. I hate myself for doing what I did, for saying what I said. It's all so frustrating. I come into my door room and slam the door shut, pissed of at myself. Rachel looks up at me in shock but I quickly give her one of those 'don't you dare ask me what's wrong' looks. She quickly backs off.
I fall down onto my bed and groan into my pillow. I can't believe I was such an idiot. I can't believe that I'm dating what's him name just because I'm too scared I'm going to get hurt if I date Santana. God I'm an idiot. This is all her fault making me feel all these things for her, if I didn't get hit with that stupid paint ball I'd never be in this mess and now I've not only hurt myself but I've also hurt her and that's the worst feeling in the world. My stomach crunches up and I feel like I have creepy crawlies running around inside of me.
Dave, that was his name. He was nice and we had a good time together but he never gave me those tingly feelings like Santana did when she was around and when he kissed me after our first date I never felt the fireworks like when I kissed Santana at the reunion. Kissing her was so fresh, so nice, her lips were so soft and caring and she made me feel like I was the specialist girl in the world. I just wanted to kiss her again, to hold her in my arms but what would happen if she realized I was the same girl she called a loser to back in high school, the same girl she used to throw slushies at. What if she wakes up and realizes she doesn't actually want to be with me.
I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt but I've never felt more alive then when I'm with her. Dave in nice, he listens to me and he gets what I try and say but he doesn't have the same spontaneous feeling like Santana does. Everything is so complicated and I hate it, I wish things would be simpler so I could understand them. I wish they could be as easy as understanding ducks. The way they swim in the water like they don't have a care in the world. I like that.
I slowly take my head off my pillow and look at Rachel who is sitting on her bed staring at me with sad eyes. I hate when she does that, how she looks at me like she feel sorry for me. I know she really wants to say something, she wants to get whatever is wrong with me out and talk about it.
She's really into other people's businesses. I know she's just trying to help but sometimes I wish that she would leave me alone and let me soak in my own misery. Then again when I talk with her all my confusion goes away and I understand things clearly.
I suppose I should talk to her, I've been lying on my bed for about half an hour thinking about everything running through my head, I'm sure it's killing her to know what goes on up here. I sigh, she's going to ask me anyway what's wrong so I might was well get it over with. I just don't know what I'm going to say, I've she knows that I liked Santana back in high school but she has no idea that I like her now. She has no idea Santana likes me. Heck I didn't know Santana liked me liked me until the reunion. I thought she was straight. I guess Rachel was right when she said Artie to me was like Santana to Puck back then.
I look back up at Rachel who is still staring at me, I guess she never really gets tired of that. I once saw her stare at a star forever because she thought it would help her stand out better on her audition for a play. I sit up and she smiles.
"Ready to talk now?" She asks me. I really don't want to talk but what other choice do I have.
"I guess." I say talking a deep breath.
"So, what's got you all down and sad?"
"I'm confused." I tell her, if she wants to know what's going on she's going to have to work hard to get it out of me. I sound like Santana now, afraid to admit my feelings.
"Confused? But you just went out a couple hours ago on your date and you were all happy and... oh this happened on your date didn't it?" She finally gets the hint after all this time. You would think that someone as smart as her who always has to be right would know it's about the date.
"I ran into Santana," that's all I had to say for her to understand me fully.
"What she say?"
"She was mad, she overheard our conversation the last time she came over to visit me. I felt so bad, so bad that I'm avoiding her. Everything's so screwed up."
"I don't understand why she's trying to hard to be your friend."
"I didn't tell you the whole story."
This got Rachel interested. She looked up at me confused and I knew I had to tell her about the night at the reunion, about our conversation the day she saw me with Dave and how she became jealous. So I did. I told her everything and I just watched Rachel's jaw drop, for once she was speechless. This was about the only time I wish this time she would talk because after a while it got really awkward and I really don't like awkward situations.
I could tell she was thinking. I had given her a lot of new information to process and knowing Rachel she has to be right about everything while includes her advice. If she doesn't give good advice first time round I feel like she'd break. I sat still on my bed thinking about all my problems.
"So you're scared that she might realize that she doesn't actually like you because she'll think your still a loser! Britt I really think you should stop bringing yourself down and realize that you're not a loser, you are very talented not as talent as me but you are talented. I can see you doing big things in the future. You are not a loser and she doesn't think that either." Rachel finally said.
"But I..." she cut me off.
"No, don't say that. Look, you don't know what will happen unless you go for it. Look at me, I didn't know I would make it into vocal performance here but I did. You don't know what will happen if you date Santana unless you give it a try."
"I don't want to get hurt."
"If she hurts you I'll kick her ass," I look at Rachel like she's crazy.
"Let's be realistic Rach, we all know you won't last five seconds against Santana. She's a tough one." I tell her, Rachel gives me that look. She can't do it well though, she just looks really small.
"Moving on. I know you don't want to get hurt but look at you now. You're not hurt yet but you're not really living either. I've seen the fun, energetic Brittany and this is not her."
"I do like her. A lot. But now I'm the one that hurt her. You should have seen her face when I told her I was going to date Dave, she looked so broken, like a sad little puppy. She'll never forgive me now."
"Britt, she's been coming to our room for the past couple of weeks none stop trying to talk to you, she's obviously crazy about you. She might be hurt, but I'm sure if you explain what happened that she'll give you another chance. She'd have to be crazy not too," Rachel always knew what to say. She may be annoying sometimes but she gave great advice.
"I guess I could talk to her." My voice in small.
"That's the spirit! Now go get her!" Rachel was always so energetic; I wish sometimes there could be a switch that would turn her off like you could turn off those cute wined up toys.
"Now?" I ask in shock.
"Yeah! The sooner the better."
"What!"
"Yes go!"
"I can't go now! It's late and I don't even know her address so how am I supposed to talk to her, plus she's probably still angry at me and doesn't even want to see me and her friends all probably hate me and I don't know what to say and I haven't really thought about it that much and I..." Rachel finally cut me off and I could take a breath of air.
"You're rambling."
"Sorry." I say.
"Fine, since you don't know her address, tomorrow we'll find it, then we'll go for a drink in the evening and the day after that you will go talk to her. That will probably give you both enough time to cool down."
"I do like to drink, promise you'll have some then?" I know Rachel so I know she hardly drinks.
"Maybe."
"Pleeeasee!" I ask her.
"If I drink will you promise me you'll stop sulking and talk to her?"
"Yes! But you have to actually drink, not just the fruity drinks and we have to invite the others. I really want Tina and Mike to come too."
"Wasn't it Tina who told you not to go for Santana because of all the things she did to you in high school? What happens if she talks you out of it again? I don't want sad Brittany again. She is unpleasant."
I had forgotten the reason that I chose Dave was not only because he was the safe choice and I didn't want to get hurt but also because I had spoken to Tina a couple of nights before that on my phone asking her what I should do about my Santana situation. She had told me that I should forget about Santana because she made both our lives miserable in high school and doesn't deserve a second chance.
When we spoke I didn't tell her how I had, had a huge crush on Santana throughout most of my high school years despite all the things she did too me. When I had talked to Tina she told me that Santana was send from the devils soul to make all our lives a living hell and that she should no how heart break and being torn to pieces felt like. She told me that Santana didn't deserve me that someone like her doesn't change and she'll just end up hurting me again.
Everything Tina had told me I believed. That's why I went out with Dave, to forget about all my feelings. Tina had reminded me how vulnerable I was and how easily I could get hurt. She reminded me that Santana could still think of me as a loser and she just wants to continue hurting me but when I saw her face when she saw me with Dave it torn me to pieces. I hated myself for hurting her, no matter how much she hurt me back in high school. I hate seeing a sad Santana, even if she tries to hid it I know she's broken inside.
"No I know that Tina was wrong now, she won't convince me otherwise but she's my friend and I still want to go out and party with her and Mike."
"Are you sure?" Rachel asked me, she always wanted my choices to be really accurate. She hated when people picked one thing and then a few seconds later. That was one way to drive her insane.
"Yeah, lets go drinking, I want to get my mind off of everything and just go dancing. I won't even mention Santana." She looked at me in shock.
"Like that's going to be possible."
"It is!" I tried to sound convincing but the truth was I probably was going to mention her once or twice. "I don't want Tina to know just yet."
"If you're scared she's going to talk you out of..." I quickly cut her off, I did not want her to finish that sentience.
"No! I'm just, scared and confused okay, and telling her is going to make me more nervous and I don't even know what to say when I talk to her." I didn't want to start rambling on again so I made sure to cute myself off before that could happen. I wasn't ready for Tina to go, I know how she can be and if I told her she would make sure I didn't go talk to Santana whether I like it or not.
"Okay, we'll keep it a secret from her, but you know if you two do start dating your going to half to tell her. You know she's really good at figuring out secrets." That was true. Whenever you wanted to keep something from Tina or the rest of the world she always had a way of figuring out that you had a secret. She wouldn't find out what the secret was but she wouldn't stop looking until she did.
That's how she figured out I liked guys and girls. Apparently she thought I started acting weird and on edge, she knew there was something different about me and she made sure to figure out what it was. I couldn't let Tina figure it out.
. .
Tonight was going to be a night about having fun and getting my mind off of things... but seriously if I happen to think of the good things, like Santana and how we might be able to date on day down the road I would be okay with that. How could I stop thinking about her, it was almost impossible. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I haven't thought about her. Her smell, how soft her lips were on mine, how much she's changed since high school and has a caring nurturing side to her, she's just so perfect and I'm so happy she likes me.
All I want to be able to do is kiss her whenever I want, hold her and be with her. She's what I want and I don't care if im scared, Rachel's right I'm alive but I'm not really living without her. Tomorrow I was going to find her and tell her about the huge mistake I made. I'm going to get her back she'll be mine.
Right now I'm at the bar with my friends, Tina and Mike just arrived together and found Rachel and me sitting at the bar waiting to get drinks. I ordered the pink orangey drink because the colors are bright and pretty. Tina sits next to me but so far she's been making googly eyes with Mike the whole night. I can hear them talking but my minds somewhere else right now. My minds on Santana, wishing that she were here with me holding my hand.
All I can seem to think about is Santana, I told myself that I would try to not think about her but I seriously don't know what I was thinking. I look at Tina and see her lips moving, I think she's trying to talk to me but I'm not really listening.
"Huh?" I say.
"I asked you if you were going to hook up with anyone tonight? I think it would be good for you, all things considering," I knew what she was talking about. She was talking about Santana, she didn't want me to even give a thought about her, she was trying to get me to scoop up some guy. That's not what I wanted, that's not what would make me happy.
"I don't know, I'm not really feeling it tonight," how bad would it be if I just hooked up with someone and went to apologize to Santana tomorrow, that wouldn't work out too well? Hooking up, not going to happen.
"Yeah okay," I could tell she was disappointed. I don't care, I don't give into peer pressure.
The bartender gave me a shot, which disappeared very quickly and then another and then another. If I was going to get through this night then I would need as much achol as possible, it started out okay but with Tina's constant nagging trying to get me with a guy is really getting annoying.
Come to think of it, I don't think I ever told Tina that I was into girls. Yeah I had mentioned some were hot every now and then but I don't think she thought anything of it. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm straight and right now I don't feel like telling her it would only get in the way. She would probably figure out why I called her to ask about Santana, scratch that... she would know that I want to date Santana.
I was always closer with Rachel then I was Tina, I felt like I never could have a decent conversation with Tina without getting judged or thinking she thought I was stupid. I know it's a silly thing to think but deep down I always felt that way I think that's why I went to Rachel, she made me feel good about myself and actually listened to me and she didn't even roll her eyes the first time I started talking about ducks.
I had just taken another shot when Tina's attention turned back onto me, but she wasn't alone this time and she wasn't with Mike. She had another guy with her.
"Britt this is Andrew. Mike told me you called it quits with Dave so I thought you might want to get back out there again," I looked over to Rachel for help, but she was busy talking to some other guy. He was in one of my classes, I think his name was Finn, or something like that. She would be no help.
"Tina I told you, I don't want to hook up with anyone."
"Oh you're just being stubborn, he's really nice once you get to know him."
"It's true I am," Andrew said. Great, he already sounded like an ass. All full of himself thinking he can get with anyone that he's like well it's not happening. Not with me anyway.
"I'm sure you are," I told him. "But like I said to my friend, I won't be hooking up with anyone tonight."
"Oh come on B, don't be such a loser," I sunk into my chair. The last time I was called a loser was in high school by Santana and her friends, Tina had never called me a loser before. I felt my face drop but I turned away from Tina, I didn't want her to know I felt this way.
Maybe if Tina thought I was a loser then I really was. She was one of the only people that never called me that and now here she was saying those things to my face. Maybe I didn't have a chance with Santana, maybe she would wake up and realize that Tina was right, that she was right when she was in high school, that I am a loser.
"I'm not feeling in the mood," I told her avoiding her gaze and keeping my voice soft.
"Come on, you have to get back out there, grab his hand and go dancing."
"Tina, just leave me alone!" I was starting to get really frustrated with her.
"Dance!"
"No!" I yelled and now a few people were looking at me. I shrank back into my seat. There was only one person I wanted to dance with and that was Santana but she wasn't here and she didn't like me.
"If you don't want to cause a scene then dance with him, I'm doing this for your own good Brittany." I could feel tears starting to form in my eyes, I didn't want to dance, I didn't want to dance with a random guy.
"Tina why are you pressuring me! You're supposed to be my friend," I snapped at her trying to hold back my tears.
"Maybe I should go..." Andrew said when Tina quickly turned around and grabbed his hand.
"No, she wants to dance with you she's just scared." She turned back to me. "Come on Brittany, you're a good dancer, you need to live a little. Date again, dance with him will you."
Just then I hear the doors slam open, I look up and don't believe who had just arrived at the bar. It's Santana, the only person that will ever be for me. I look back at Tina who looks frustrated, I block out her voice but I can tell she telling me to dance with him over and over again. I look away from her and resume staring at Santana. She's wearing a short blue dress, with silver heels and her hair is long flowing over her body, she looks so hot.
Tina snaps her fingers in front of my face bringing me back to reality and then turns to see what I was looking at. Her face slumps down with that oh fuck look. She's not happy Santana's here.
"If she comes over here I'm gonna raise hell," Tina snapped.
"Relax Tina, she just here minding her own business." I say, I don't want to get Santana involved with Tina.
"No, I won't relax. She's a bitch, she made our lives so miserable in high school, I don't want to sit here and just say nothing. As soon as she comes near me I'm giving her a piece of my mind," I look over to Rachel who is still talking with Finn, there in no way she's helping me out of this one. "And you know what, you've gotten me to switch the subject which in not fair so come on and dance with Andrew!"
She was now yelling at me. It was kind of scary; I had never seen this side of Tina before I had only seen the kind side, the caring side, I really don't like this side of hers. I look down in my seat trying to focus on something else, I don't want to dance and she's making the anger rise up inside me as well as the tears that are about to come out. I'm not an angry person, I don't like violence but she's making it real hard.
"Dance Brittany!"
"Tina stop it, I really don't want to. Please just respect me, I'm not in the mood tonight okay, just let it go," I say really fighting to hold my tears in.
"Brittany!" I looked over to Rachel who finally heard the commotion and was now coming over. Thank god for Rachel. She didn't look to happy coming over which tells me she was on my side. "Tina, why are you shouting at Brittany?"
"She doesn't want to dance with this lovely guy I found for her." Tina says pointing to Andrew who just waved. Rachel looks at Tina unamuzed.
"If she doesn't want to dance then leave her alone. She obviously has a reason for not wanting to dance so just accept that." Rachel always had my back. Thank god for her, she really knew how to cheer me up. Yes I still felt like I was going to break down and cry at any moment but at least I had a friend now.
"Why are you on her side! She needs to get out. She's being a loser..." Rachel quickly cut her off.
"Don't you dare call her that!" Many people were now staring at us, I looked over at Santana but she wasn't one of the many staring. I didn't want her to see this fight anyway. "She is not a loser!"
"Geeze I didn't actually mean she was a loser, learn to take things less serious."
"Tina you're being really mean right now," I tell her.
"Oh Britt, just develop a back bone."
"Shut up Tina!" Rachel snapped.
"You no it's true, she always was a pushover, why do you think Santana always bullied her, she couldn't stand up for herself. At least I can now," that was it, the last thing I could hear before bursting out into tears. They just came out, I couldn't hold them back anymore.
I got off the bar stool but with the amount of drinks I had caused me to fall on the floor, I felt my head spinning and it looked like there were little stars flying around me. I was really drunk, I felt more tears falling from my eyes. Then I felt someone arms around me trying to help me up but I pushed them away, I didn't want anyone's help. I just wanted to be left alone. I looked around me once I had stood up again and noticed everyone was staring. I felt like I was back in high school again, like a scared, hurt little girl.
I ran away as fast as I could, I heard Rachel calling for me as I ran but there was no way I was going to stay in this situation anymore. My day had gone from bad to worse. This was horrible, I was so drunk I couldn't even see the way out of the bar, I stopped for a second to look for it but once I had stopped I noticed more people staring which was not okay with me so I started running again, I started running until I tripped over my heels and fell into someone landing right on the floor.
"Sorry, I'm so sorry," I said in a small voice, unable to look at the person I bumped into due to the tears that were blinding me and the alcohol that was clouding my eyesight. I tried to get up, I struggled but I only ended up falling back down again. This was so humiliating I could feel the person's eyes staring right at me.
I tried to get up, so I crawled on my hands and knees, it wasn't working that well. More tears entered my eyes and as I tried to get up but this time I felt hands wrap around my waist lifting me up so I was back up on my feet. I looked at the ground for a minute feeling to embarrassed to look up.
"Thank you," I mumbled.
"No problems," I felt myself freaking out, that voice sounded familiar, too familiar. I looked up and it was the person that I thought it would be which made this situation a whole lot worse. It was Santana. She was staring at me, she didn't look mad but I knew she was probably pissed inside. I couldn't stand around to face her now.
"Sorry," I said again, the tears pouring out. I started to walk off towards the door fumbling and tripped over my feet. This really wasn't working out the way I thought tonight would. As I stumbled to the door I felt an arm wrap around me, stabilizing me. I looked behind me and realized it was Santana. I didn't understand why she was helping me, after everything I did to her I didn't understand why she wanted to help me.
I hear more footsteps behind me and then I hear the voice... Tina. "You get away from her! She doesn't need your help," I realize she was talking to Santana.
"Don't even start with me. Don't think I didn't hear your little argument from across the bar, some friend you are. You leave Brittany alone," Santana snapped, I was thankful for that. She was like my hero, but I knew she was probably still mad at me deep down inside.
"You've been a bitch to her all your life."
"You're being a bitch right now," Santana snapped back. I let a little giggle slip out.
"Get away from her, I'll take care of her." Tina said back.
"No. You've done enough, back off," Santana said and I felt her grip become tighter around me. It made my stomach flutter, I loved the feeling when she held me close. She was defending me, after everything I'd done to her she was still standing here defending me.
"I haven't even..." I cut her off.
"Tina leave." The look on Tina's face at this moment was priceless. Her mouth had dropped open and I could tell she was fuming inside, she was my friend but right now I couldn't handle her. I needed Santana. I heard Santana laughing at Tina's reaction. Hearing her laugh being all happy made me smile.
"Whatever." I heard Tina scoff as she left. Then Santana helped me out the door to the side of the bar. My tears never stopped during the scene in the bar. They just kept falling out, I didn't even realize they were still running down my cheek until I felt Santana's thumb gently brush away my tears.
She looked so innocent standing there helping me. She looked me in the eyes, into my sad eyes, I couldn't look her in the eyes after what I did. I felt horrible inside, this was not something I wanted to deal with tonight. I had it all planned out, everything was ready for tomorrow and now this had to happen.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked her, she seemed a little surprised by my question.
"Because I care about you Britt, no matter what happens or who you date, I'll always care about you," my heart instantly warmed up and a smile spread across my face. "Now are you alright? I heard you fight with Tina, I'm really sorry she pressured you."
"It's alright."
"It's not though Britt, she's your friend she shouldn't do that to you. You deserve so much better." I could see the worry in her eyes, I could tell she cared which only made me feel more comfortable around her.
"I can't believe you. After everything I did? After I screwed up so badly? I don't know how you could..." she cut me off.
"Britt, you can't get rid of me that easily."
"But I hurt you, I didn't mean to but I did. I'm such an idiot, such a loser I understand why you bullied..." Santana quickly cut me off."
"Don't you dare finish that sentence. You're not a loser, you never were. You didn't get slushied because you were a loser okay, if you knew the whole story then..."
"Then tell it too me."
Exams are done! Updates will be quicker! Yey! Also yeah I left you with a cliffhanger. I wonder what the story will be... Hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think.