Chapter 6
A Night Without Dawn
A little part of her dies inside. She vaguely heard the weak fading voice calling for help. She chose to ignore it and say not a word. She stops the car at a red light. She keeps driving forward when the light changes. She hears the loud music from another car. She sees a driver smiles in an empty shabby Ford Fiesta. She knows she can turn back right now. She knows she can out a smile on her face and pretend nothing is wrong. She can hug her kids and make them lunch. She can wrap her arms around Bob and absorb his warmth. She can turn her eyes away when Joe tries to avoid her eyes.
Or maybe Joe won't even bother to put on an act.
Every man cheats once or twice in their life time. It's really not such a big deal. Her mother and mother-in-law will roll their eyes and say she overreacted. Joe will probably insist she's crazy and he did nothing wrong. Her father will concentrate on his pot roast and keep his usual silence. Grandma would believe her and stand by her side if she was still alive. Val, Mary Lou and the rest of her friends will tell her to think of the kids, she's sure of that. "He's a Morelli, Stephanie, what do you expect?" They will raise their brows at her and ask in a kind tone as if she's a pathetic retarded child. And she will have no choice but to swallow her anger and humiliation. She will spend the rest of her life with him even though she will never be able to trust him again. She will sleep in the same bed with him and even start having sex with him again when things cool down. She's a healthy woman. She has needs. But she will always make sure he wears condoms. She may not let him kiss her on her lips.
This is the life she chose. This is the decision she made. This will be the price she has to pay if she wants to keep her family intact. But how long can she keep the truth from her children? How long can she keep lying to herself? She suddenly feels tired. She pulls over in front of a diner. She finds herself a corner table and orders the first item on the menu. She barely has the strength to smile at the friendly looking waitress. She pokes at her food and sips her drink. She tries her best not to stare at the happy families in the diner. She wishes she can stop feeling sad. She used to think her life was a joke. She used to believe she deserved something better. She used to want to be like everyone else. She now has a husband. She now has a dog, two kids, and a three-bedroom house with front and back yards. She cooks. She cleans. She does the laundry and dishes. Her dog is loyal. Her kids are smart and beautiful. Her husband is a hard-working tall dark handsome police detective. She's living the dream life for a lot of simple women. She has everything a woman can possibly want.
All she has to now is let bygones be bygones.
Maybe she was being delusional. Maybe she was seeing, hearing, and smelling imaginary things. Maybe Joe will be willing to forgive her if she apologizes properly. Her babies must be scared right now. They must be crying for their mommy. She has to get back home immediately. She is a mother and a wife. She has duties to fulfill and responsibilities to uphold. She made a sacred vow at the altar. She promised to be a faithful wife no matter what happens. She has already been through divorce once. She doesn't want to face its viciousness and ugliness again. But she's more than certain Joe cheated on her. She doesn't know if she has it in her to forgive and forget. Joe's betrayal is a slap on her face. All the things she has done to please him and make him happy. All the things she has done to please his family and make them happy. All the things she has done to please her mother and make her happy. All the things she has done in the name of love and happiness. Now she can't stop feeling stupid.
Stephanie sits alone inside the diner, stares into space and sees nothing. People around her are laughing and chatting. The aroma of food and coffee fills the air and makes everyone smiling. Quietly she finishes eating and pays her bill. She pushes the door open and steps on the street. She has been here before, she suddenly remembers. Years ago. When Grandma and Rex were both still alive and she was still a bounty hunter. For a late breakfast. With Ranger. And he paid the bill. She starts the car and pulls away from the curb. She had helped him lure a skip out of a bar the night before. Besides her usual fee, he'd also promised to treat her to breakfast. Stephanie looks straight ahead and smiles at the memory. And she almost cries the moment she thinks of Ranger's smiling face and his deep soft voice:
"Proud of you, babe."