Chapter 8

Fire Dancer

Stephanie leaves the car in the parking lot and walks into the park. She sits down on a bench. The sun is bright and the weather is cheerful. She can hear children laughing and dogs barking from afar. She looks ahead and takes in scenery. The happy relaxed atmosphere around her feels totally unreal. She has no one to call and nowhere to go. Everyone has their own lives and problems. She 's all alone. She's on her own. Mary Lou. Val. Eddie. Carl. Big Dog. She wonders why they are still happily married after all these years. Are they really happy? Or are they just pretending? Do they still love each other? Or do they kiss and make love out of habit? Are children really a plus? Or are they nothing but burden and obligation? She knows she loves her babies with all her heart, so why does she wish she's still single and carefree from time to time? Why does she still have regret and remorse? What's the purpose of her existence? What's the meaning of her life? Being a mother? Being a daughter? Being a wife? Smile on cue? Be pleasant and polite? Learn to accept your limitation and cope with your disappointment like everyone else? She has made her decision and chosen her path. She has taken her mother's advice and picked the road most travelled. And where the Hell she is now? She's lost, she's hurt, and she feels like crying. And she knows perfectly clear her tears won't solve or change anything. Her problems won't go away or disappear. She's still married with two kids.

And her husband has cheated on her.

She knew all along she couldn't be a bounty hunter forever. At some point of time she would have to quit. She needed a better health insurance. She needed some stability in life. She needed money. She needed food and groceries. She was afraid of loneliness. Ranger was like the wind and he didn't do stupid things. And Joe was always there. They were happy once. They shared pizzas and beer. They fought and had made-up sex. They were thrilled to be parents. They thought they finally had their Happily Ever After. How naïve they were. They are too much alike. They are too different. They basically want the same things. They have totally different goals and approaches. Soon Joe lost his patience. She got bored and lost her smile. And then all that was left was the bitterness of everyday life.

"Stephanie? Are you alright?"

She looks up and sees Lucille, Vinnie's wife. She smiles back and tries to think of things to say. The two of them have known each other for years, but they are never really close. Lucille is a mystery to the Plum family. She comes from a very different world. Her father is a well-known mob boss; her mother was the only daughter of a wealthy and respected old Boston family. Nobody knows how Mary O'Hara ended up marrying Harry "The Hammer" Butler. They only know Harry has been grieving his wife's death for more than thirty years. A smile breaks on Stephanie's face as Lucille's pug and poodle look up at her curiously. She bends down to pat the dogs as Lucille sits down next to her. And the question blurts out of her mouth before she has a chance to stop it. Her voice sounds feeble and weak:

"Why do you stay with Vinnie? Why didn't you get a divorce?"

Lucille thinks for a second and turns to face Stephanie. She doesn't appear to be surprised or angry. It seems that she has been expecting this question for a long, long time. "Vinnie is not perfect. But he's not a bad man." She pats Stephanie's hand gently. The tone of her voice is relaxed and pleasant. "He has many faults. He has made a lot of mistakes. He cheats on me all the time. But I am not perfect, either. I too have made many mistakes. I can't give him kids. And no matter what, he always gives me what I want. He always comes back to me. I guess we love each other in our own ways, Stephanie. But it doesn't mean you have to put up with Joe. If that's what you are really asking."

Stephanie widens her eyes in stunned surprise and Lucille simply laughs. "I am not a mind reader. It's just that people keep saying Joe is a Morell, and the Morelli men are not noted for being loyal to their wives. It's in their blood. It's a family curse. Look at Joe's history. Everyone knows about him and Terry. Everyone knows what kind of man he used to be. And we all know the two of you have been having problems for years." Lucille stops and looks at Stephanie straight in the eyes. She's into her fifties. She isn't exactly pretty or attractive. But there's something about her that reminds Stephanie of the young smart beautiful energetic Rozie O'Hara. "Stay with Joe and try to forgive him if you really love him and can't live without him. Stay married for your own sake. Not for your mother. Not for the kids. Not for what everyone else thinks. And if you really can't forgive him, you'd better start planning a future without him before it's too late. Do whatever makes you happy. Your children won't be happy if you are miserable."

Stephanie stays seated on the bench long after Lucille is gone. Her head is a mess. A part of her wants to go back to Bob and the kids and pretend nothing has happened. A part of her wants to slap Joe again and kick him out onto the street. A part of her wants to jump back in the car, drive to the end of the world and leave everything behind. Let Joe worry about Bob. Let Joe take care of the kids. Let Joe wash the dishes, vacuum and mop the floor, do the laundry, and take out the garbage. Let Joe fool around. Let Joe go find the woman he truly wants. Let Joe trick another stupid woman into marriage. Let Joe cheat on her when she puts on some weight and loses her charm. She needs to be happy. She deserves to be happy. She wants to have her life back and be happy. She wants to stop thinking about everyone else. She wants to concentrate on herself. She wants another chance.

She takes a long breath and stands up. She gets back into the car and turns on her cell phone. She's about to start the engine when her phone starts to ring. "Mommy!" She hears her son crying. "Where are you? I'm hungry!" And her heart breaks into little pieces.