Chapter 3

High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going?
"I'm leaving you"
No you ain't. Come back we're running right back.
Here we go again

Rachel took a deep breath and smiled as Artie rolled up to her front door and opened it, tilting her head in surprise as Puck's truck pulled up into her driveway, "Artie, please come in. I...I didn't have plans to study with Puck today...sorry I'll tell him to go."

"Nah, I told him I was comin' by," Artie told her as he rolled into the house. "I asked him to be our third. Don't worry, he doesn't know it was your idea."

"Oh," Rachel blinked and took another deep breath and hoped her house was in one piece by the time they were done hearing why she wanted to do this song in particular. "Well I was right... he certainly...will fit the part won't he?"

"Dude can act too," Artie chuckled. "Only problem is we gotta feed him," He watched as Puck practically bounded up the sidewalk to the front door and kissed Rachel on the cheek as he entered the house.

"Feeding Puck isn't ever a problem really," Rachel told them dryly. "You forget I live with an ex quarterback and a point guard. They're still active and they still eat as if they have hollow legs." She led the boys to the kitchen and looked at them after she'd brought a plate of cookies and put them on the table along with glasses of soda.

"So what's up with this video idea?" Puck wanted to know, "Not that it isn't a great song." He added hastily, "Just curious as to what brought it on."

"About that," Rachel pushed her sleeves up to her elbows and exposed her forearms. "It's because of this." She was painfully aware of the boys staring at the hand sized bruises wrapping around her forearms, livid stains of blue and yellowish purple against her olive skin.

"Rachel what-"

Puck's voice interrupted Artie, low and dangerous and Rachel was glad she'd locked the front door, "Rachel did Jesse do this to you?"

Rachel put her hand on Puck's forearm and kept it there, if she was touching him, he was much less likely to go on a rampage, to snap and leave the house in search of Jesse, "I-" She swallowed and tried again. "I don't even know how it started."

"He hit you," Puck's hand, disturbingly gentle, touched her chin, tilting her face up to his determined hazel gaze. "That's why you started to wear alla this makeup crap on your face. You've been covering up the bruises for how long now?"

She shivered and shook her head, "About a month after we started dating...I think." Rachel tilted her head, "I'm supposed to be strong and independent. I wasn't raised to be abused, to be the victim." She told them, "How could I tell my dads what he did? When he-"

"What did he do Rachel," Artie's voice had gone ice cold and when she looked at him, she'd never seen the normally gentle boy look so grim.

"Rachel, baby you gotta tell us," Puck said quietly. "And you've gotta tell the cops."

"I went to the police already," Rachel said quietly. "Before I asked Artie to help me make the video I went to the police and reported it. They got a woman detective and she took pictures of all the bruises. I'd...been taking pictures of myself in the mirror with my camera... I don't know why... but they were time stamped and I gave her the memory card. She isn't sure if it can be used but it can't hurt."

"If you've gone to the cops why make the video, why bother?" Puck didn't get it, and she knew he didn't but he would. Once she explained, once she told him... he'd understand everything then.

"I need to start at the beginning, all right?" Rachel looked at them pleadingly, "Let me just tell it and get it out."

"Just...don't let go of me," Puck requested, his voice low. "Not sure I trust myself to not...break something or someone if you don't keep hold of me Rachel."

"Jesse asked me out...about three months ago I guess," Rachel shrugged. "And it was all right, nothing earthshattering, I thought I had my blinders off when it came to him." She pushed her hair back with her free hand and sighed, "It started when you were over at the house, you and Daddy were watching the game when Jesse came to pick me up."

"He hit you because of that? Because I was hanging with LeRoy?" Puck nearly snarled the words out.

"No, because I was 'encouraging' you, a hoodlum and delinquent and if I was dating him I shouldn't be 'encouraging' other boys," Rachel shook her head, "That was the first time he grabbed my wrist hard enough to bruise. He did that...on and off for a week, and when we went out that weekend I had bruises like these, but he apologized, told me he'd overreacted. He said that he just wanted me so badly he was always worked up and frustrated, and he knew that I'd dated you before. He said he thought I was going to dump him."

Rachel groaned over how stupid she'd been, "Like an idiot, I believed him. He said that he loved me, that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about me since we'd broken up, and that he was so sorry he'd hurt me." She rolled her eyes, "I really was an idiot, I believed all of it. And...when he started to kiss me and touch me...I didn't tell him to stop."

"You had sex with him and he kept hitting you?" Hazel eyes were blazing with fury as Puck asked that particular question.

"I let him have sex with me," Rachel shrugged, "It wasn't like I enjoyed it, I'm not sure he meant me to. It was...in a lot of ways worse than with Finn. As if he wanted it to be just this side of uncomfortable. But he..." She looked Puck in the eye, "I insisted he wear a condom. Every time. I wouldn't let him near me without one. Half the time that's why he hit me across the face. He'd be on top of me and ready and I'd ask about the condom. He'd smack me and go get it, like a reflex." She shook her head, "Sometimes I wondered why he bothered, I mean, he was bigger than I was, nearly everyone is, he could have just forced the issue."

"Maybe he was worried you insisted because you thought he would catch something from you," Artie suggested. "That could be why he hit you, especially if he thought Puck was the guy you first had sex with. He's got a rep."

Rachel nodded, "Makes a sick sort of sense I guess." She picked up a cookie, nibbled on it and set it down in front of her. "That was on a Saturday night after I'd been to the Synagogue. I practiced all Sunday on my make up. I was just grateful I still had the makeup I used in my summer theatre program, it could hide anything."

"And he's been hitting you since then?" Puck had turned his arm so his hand was grasping hers, "What the fuck Rachel? Why didn't you tell me so I could beat the crap out of him, give him a taste of his own medicine?"

"Because I didn't want you to go back to Juvie, or worse, to jail," Rachel shook her head. "I knew if you did anything to him he'd press charges. And then I'd really have problems because you're my best friend and if you were locked up I wouldn't have anyone."

"You'd still have the rest of us," Artie protested though he was remembering all the times Rachel had been quiet in Glee club and no one had asked if she was all right.

"But Noah," She grimaced, "Sorry, I mean Puck, is the only one who-" She shrugged.

"You can call me Noah," He told her flatly. "You an' my family you're the only ones I don't mind callin' me that." Puck looked at Artie, "Unless you and the rest of the gleeks got a lotta shit hidden, Rachel knows I'm the only one who's got experience with abuse."

Artie blinked in surprise, "Your dad?"

"Yeah man, all the damn time before he left, me an' my mom," Puck shrugged. "Why do you think I got so many problems?" He looked at Rachel, "I knew, I fuckin' knew there was something wrong...I shoulda gone with my instincts. I shoulda known when you started wearin' that crap on your face..." He shook his head angrily, "Damnit Rachel, why? Why the fuck did you wait?"

"Because I..." She shook her head, "I thought I could handle it. And then I..." She shuddered, "I couldn't have sex. It wasn't the right time... And he..." Rachel clutched at Puck's hand. "I have bruises almost everywhere. He knocked me down, knocked me across the room, and kicked me, punched me... I felt like I couldn't breathe..." She shuddered. "I wasn't raised to take this Noah. You know I wasn't. I felt so ashamed."

"You didn't do anything to be ashamed of," Artie told her flatly. "That was him."

"I know that, objectively," Rachel sighed. "But...you two...you're guys, you're actually both pretty popular these days, at least you've had girlfriends, or whatever," She wiggled her fingers in Puck's direction, "Whatever you call your many amours." She looked at them, "People don't... they don't like me. I can try to be nicer and I can bite my tongue, but people are never going to like me really. Not for who I am. And this is twice now that someone has said they loved me and then they hurt me in some way. When someone says they love you, its supposed to be important. Special. Because that's how those words feel. Like you're being given a gift. Someone who wants to put you first."

"An' both times...the guy didn't," Puck realized. "Finn lied to you and dumped you. And Jesse beat you." He sighed and picked up a cookie as if just realizing they were there. "All right, so you've gone to the cops."

"You're pressing charges I take it?" Artie asked with a stern frown.

"Oh yes," Rachel nodded firmly. "They're already filed."

"Then what's the deal with the video," Puck asked finally. "I'm not quite gettin' it."

"I'm not the only girl this has happened to," Rachel said softly. "And all I could think, when I sat in the emergency room, waiting my turn... what if someone did this to Tina? Or Brittany? Or Mercedes or Santana, or Kurt? What if someone promised them that they'd love them forever? I don't ever want anyone to think that because someone tells you they love you that then its all right for them to do anything they want. I want everyone to see loud and clear exactly what happened to me and just how I'm going to fight back for the rest of my damn life to see that this doesn't ever happen again." Her voice had grown hard and stubborn and her eyes blazed up at Puck.

"Now that I get," Puck nodded. "All right, go take that crap off your face and let's see the bruises. I'm guessin' it'd be a good idea to film the ending first?" He looked at Artie, "Right? So you get the full effect?"

"I was thinking that too actually," Rachel said quietly. "But I also-" The ringing of her doorbell cut her off and she shook her head. "Sorry, excuse me a minute."

Author's Note: So was this what all of you were expecting? Or did I surprise you? Love to hear what everybody thinks. I worked pretty hard on this. I've been in an abusive relationship and known women who've been through the same thing. No matter how you're raised it can happen to you because we're all vulnerable when we love. Sometimes it only takes one thing to make you realize just what is really happening and that something has to change.

My reasons for writing this are the same as Rachel's for making the video. No one should have to go through this, especially not alone. My relationship is long over and done and I've gotten help to deal with the inevitable damage that was done but I read a note on someone's page, a rant more like, about stories where once the girl's face is healed everything is all better, as if pretty is the most important. I could sympathize with that because it treats abuse as if its a superficial issue when the underlying damage is so much more serious.

So I wanted to write something that dealt with that problem but also shows how helpful good friends can be, and that healing truly is possible, with trust and love.