Chapter 8

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me

Puck looked up at Finn as the taller boy ambled towards him. He never hurried, Puck had noticed, nothing was ever urgent. "Hey Puck," Finn greeted him, "Got a sec?"

"Yeah barely," Puck nodded as he pulled out his bag and began shoving in the books he'd need for the weekend along with his laptop and music. When Finn just stood there Puck rolled his eyes, "Whatever it is Finn just spit it out all right? I gotta give Artie an' Rachel a ride home. I promised man."

"I was thinkin' of getting back together with Rachel," Finn blurted out the words. "She isn't seeing St. James anymore and I'm not with Quinn or anybody else. So I thought why not."

"I'll tell you why not," Puck ground his teeth and fought to keep from decking the taller kid. "She's not a toy you can just pick up and play with whenever you feel like." He forced the words out from between his teeth. "You get bored after a while an' you dump her or you get sick of dealing with her so you dump her but then you watch her with someone else. Then you see what everyone else sees, that she was too good for you and that's why you two broke up and you want her back. Or you start feelin' down on yourself and you remember how Rachel always made you feel good so you want her back." He shook his head, "Well fuck that Finn. And fuck you. This time is different."

"What are you-" Finn didn't get very far with that question.

"What am I talking about? Or what do I think I'm doing speaking for her? Or is it what have I been doing?" Puck shook his head, "I'm talking about how you act, like you're better than everyone else, better than her. I'm speaking for her because I'm her friend, and even if that's all she ever wants from me it's better than not bein' in her life at all. As for what I've been doing? I've been paying attention and I've been hanging out with her, and she's my friend too."

"Man what are you talking about," Finn was looking at him as if he was crazy. "It's always been Rachel and me. It's always gonna be. We're like...perfect for each other?"

"No you're not," Puck shook his head. "I like you okay man, but you're no where near smart enough for her. And you wanna stay in Lima, you're happy here being the football star and you're not really interested in anything that's too hard to do." He leaned against his locker tiredly after shutting it, "Rachel is New York, she's big dreams and a big life. She wants the world. And she's smart man. She knows it's gonna take work and luck and she's okay with that. And she doesn't want Lima. She doesn't want you."

"You think she wants you?" Finn was sneering now, that look of derision that made his handsome face ugly. "Why would she want you anymore than me? I mean all the stuff you said about me? That's you too Puck."

"Yeah maybe, except for one thing," Puck shook his head. "I may be stupid, and maybe she'll never love me, or see me as more than a friend. But I'm not happy here. And even if I never amount to anything in New York at least I won't be here. I can still be her friend there."

"You won't get out of Lima anymore than I will," Finn shook his head. "Why are you hanging around her? You're never just friends with girls Puck."

"If that's all I am with Rachel its because that's how she wants it," Puck rolled his eyes. "But I'll take it because I may be stupid but I'm smart enough to know I'm better off with her in my life somehow." He began to walk away, "I've gotta go."

It didn't take long, especially when he was pissed off, to get out of the school and to his truck. Rachel and Artie were waiting for him, Rachel grinning down at the boy in his chair while Artie was expounding upon something, using his hands for emphasis. "Puck," Artie waved him over, "I think we're just about done! We've been talking about it and the last couple of scenes, I think we can get those done today. We can lay down the vocal tracks and then we should be set."

"Sweet," Puck grinned and looked at Rachel, "You gonna be able to control yourself baby?" He teased.

"I'll do my best to stifle my urges Noah," She giggled and he couldn't help smirking. He'd been looking forward to these scenes all week, imitating the original video somewhat, they were the courting scenes, he and Rachel would have to kiss, act sweet to each other, touch, lie on a bed together... Part of him was still worried he'd hurt her somehow, the other part wanted to see if she'd mind him touching her at all.

"Well keep the ice water handy," Puck told her. "Might need to douse me with it." He wasn't really kidding either. That first day once they'd finished scheduling themselves within an inch of their lives he'd dropped Artie at home first. When he'd gotten to Rachel's house she'd matter of factly turned off his truck and taken the keys from the ignition. He'd ended up in her room before he remembered what they'd talked about that morning.

Puck hadn't been sure how to act when Rachel had begun to strip, for the first time in his life his feelings were mixed about seeing Rachel naked. He'd been amazed and glad she'd trusted him and at the same time appalled that she was just taking off her clothes like he was five and had no clue what to do with a female body. She'd gotten down to her underwear and gone into her bathroom to cream off all the makeup. When she'd come back out he hadn't been able to stop cursing at the sight of the bruise on her face. It covered half her face in ugly blue and yellow and purple. Then she'd taken off her underwear and he'd understood what she meant by marks in her sensitive areas. Her nipples were bruised and so were the curves of her breasts and hips, like she'd been bitten or sucked on too hard.

He hadn't been able to stand it, "God baby, do they hurt?" He touched her shoulder and her unbruised cheek, "Please just lemme kill him Rachel." Puck wanted nothing more than the beat St. James the way he had obviously beaten Rachel. And she was naked and gorgeous and a very basic part of him was reacting to that and he was pissed at himself too because that wasn't what she needed or wanted from him now. Was it?

"No," She moved closer and hissed in pain as she pressed her naked body to his clothed one. "Just tell me if you'll ever be able to look at me and not see how ugly he made me."

He hadn't been able to believe that, that she could think she was ugly because of something St. James had done, wrapping her up carefully in his arms, "Rachel, you're beautiful. I'm always gonna think so. Bruises don't change that. They can't. I'd prove it to you now if you weren't hurtin' so bad." Puck had looked at her and pressed a kiss to the unmarked skin of her shoulder, honesty about how he saw her had to be the best policy. "I look at you baby, and I just wanna touch. You're so fuckin' perfect." He kissed her as gently as he could, "I'm your friend Rachel. No matter what. All right? But you told me...you're not ready for anything else right now. And if I tried to prove to you... well we'd be doin' things you aren't ready for. Doesn't mean you're not... so fucking gorgeous it hurts."

Rachel had nodded her understanding and put her clothes back on, and Puck had let himself relax onto her bed while she lay down beside him and cuddled into his body. She'd fallen asleep until LeRoy had gotten home and Puck had indulged in daydreaming a bit, pretending she'd fallen asleep after sex and they were going to go out that weekend, that she belonged to him. That the marks on her breasts and thighs were from his mouth, given to her because she'd wanted them, not to hurt her. LeRoy had knocked on her door and carefully opened it smiling a bit to see Puck where he was.

The conversation he'd had with Rachel's Daddy had been enlightening, the big black man was practical and furious but he'd cautioned Puck against doing anything to St. James because he didn't want the court case jeopardized. Against his will Puck had agreed, LeRoy was just as persuasive in his own way as Rachel was in hers. And then LeRoy had told him he hoped Rachel figured out sooner rather than later that Puck wasn't just a friend. It was the most open blessing Puck had ever gotten from a parent.

It had felt good, good to be invited to dinner, to have Hiram talk basketball with him, to have Rachel study with him before he left. To be in her life more fully. The Berry/Stein house had always been a safe place for him, ever since he and Rachel had dated. He could act like an ass at school, like a schmuck in public but when he was with his family or with Rachel and her family, he could relax and be himself. If himself was occasionally uncouth and sarcastic, well LeRoy and Hiram were guys too and they didn't mind. The only thing he wasn't ever allowed to do was lie. Hiram in particular had a radar for falsehood that was better than any teacher or Rabbi.

Now though, on the Friday afternoon of their filming week, now Rachel was smiling up at him, and he knew the bruises on her face were almost faded completely. She was moving more easily and he could tell her ribs didn't hurt as much, now he could kiss her and touch and she wouldn't flinch if his hand brushed parts of her that were bruised. "You ready for this baby?" He asked with a smile, "Don't gotta do it today if you don't want, right Artie?"

Artie didn't get it at first, "We talked about this Puck, if we don't-" He looked up to see Puck glaring at him and did a rapid verbal about face, "Oh, well of course not, if you're not ready Rachel, its not big deal to take the day off."

"Very convincing," Rachel rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. The bruises are almost faded, my ribs are nearly healed. And quite frankly...I'd like to at least make a start on these scenes today. I know we're hoping to accomplish a lot but you never know." She slanted a glance at Puck that he felt like a bolt of fire right to his dick, "I might need some help remembering how to act with someone who cares about me."

"I'll do my best," Puck pulled up to the grocery store and they all piled out, Artie filming the two of them laughing and twirling each other down the aisles, Puck trailing his fingers over Rachel's hair, Rachel tilting her head and tugging on Puck's jacket.

The store didn't take long, Artie did his best to get the same shot from several angles with the help of the store manager. Puck guessed the guy figured any press was good press even being shown in a video about domestic violence.

Then they were off to the park, with Artie talking technical speak and Rachel nodding like she actually understood, though she just might. Puck grinned slightly, the woman was crazy smart, "So Artie, this next bit, I'm tryin' to figure, we're imitating that scene in the video where they're on the bench drinking from the bottle right?"

"Yeah that's the atmosphere we're going for," Artie agreed. "Got an idea?"

"Just thinkin', the camera won't pick up sound will it," Puck pulled up to the park. "So if Rachel an' me are sorta makin' out, we'd be talkin' some right? So seein' our lips move a bit, like we're talkin'... that'd be realistic?"

"Yeah some," Artie nodded, "Why Puck, are you worried you won't be able to control yourself?" His grin was teasing and Puck rolled his eyes.

"Yeah Artie, 'cause when I got you an' a camera in my face, that's when I'm really thinking of how I'll get to second base with Rachel," Puck rolled his eyes.

"Flatterer," Rachel giggled and her head leaned against his shoulder again in that way she had that he was coming to fucking love.

"Hell," Puck grunted as he hauled Artie out of the truck and into his chair and then helped Rachel down. "Ain't like I don't think about it, just not when Artie's got a camera in my face. I don't do exhibitionism baby. Not with you." He grabbed the camera from behind the seats and handed it to Artie, "Batteries good?"

"Yeah we're good for a while longer," Artie nodded. "When we get to your place we'll need to plug it in though."

"That's not a problem," Puck locked the truck and pulled off his jacket before grabbing the Stoli bottle filled with water. "Right," He looked around, "Swings seem to be occupied by children." He pointed out.

"The picnic table or the bench nearby..." Artie began to figure out which was better, and Rachel shook her head.

"Why don't we start at the slide, I can climb up a few steps and Noah can sort of corner me and kiss me," She suggested. "Then we can sit on the merry go round, it's low enough that' you'll get a good angle, and if it doesn't work we can go to the picnic table."

"We could even get some shots of Puck making the merry go round move a bit, slow of course but it would be a good visual experiment," Artie enthused.

Puck nodded and handed the bottle to Artie, "Better hide this from the babysitters or whatever." He suggested, "We can shoot later with the bottle if we gotta."

It didn't go badly, Puck liked the shots on the slide and the merry go round, spinning slowly as he and Rachel kissed lazily, Artie shooting them from his chair gave him a different angle which was good visually. They ended up on the picnic table with the sun slowly fading, trading sips of water from the Stoli bottle and kissing more and more passionately.

Puck groaned as Artie called cut and took a deep breath, "We got the time to do the last scenes over at my place or are we done for the day?"

"Let's get it done today," Artie pulled out his phone as he shut off the camera. "I'll let my dad know I'm going to be a little late."

"If you want we can order Chinese," Rachel offered. "Daddy gave me some cash in case we ran late today. He said since it was Friday he'd be late getting home anyway and Dad's stuck there along with him." She looked at Puck and Artie hopefully, "We could shoot some with the light still coming in the windows, eat and then shoot some more. I've still got changes of clothing, or I could borrow one of Noah's shirts... it would look, impromptu."

"That's actually a good idea," Puck agreed. "Let's get goin' and we'll get it done. Camera can charge up a bit more when we're eating."

"Then lets do it and we'll be done," Rachel grinned happily. "We'll be able to lay the tracks tomorrow, or Sunday."

Puck nodded and kissed her cheek, feather light over the concealed and faded bruise, "You're gonna work me to death today aren't you baby?"

She grinned at him, and hopped down from the table, "You love it."

"Yeah," Puck admitted and began hauling everything back to the truck.

Author's Note: So it has been pointed out that Puck seems to be confiding his feelings a bit too easily and I can see how it could be perceived that way. Keep in mind though, we don't have a whole lot of outside people in this story, it's pretty much Rachel, Puck and Artie. Artie's observant of Puck's behavior and willing to call him on his shit, Rachel needs him to be honest and Puck's very aware that he and Rachel have now had similar enough experiences that they both feel safe in talking to each other.

It might seem illogical for Rachel to trust Puck and strip for him but sometimes there's a detatchment about the body, especially if emotional trust is of a higher importance to the individual. Puck has always been open about finding her attractive and sometimes the reassurance that an attraction is unchanged is more important than modesty. I figure if anyone could reassure Rachel that Jesse hadn't changed her physically forever it would be Puck. Puck hangs out with her at her house and is her friend but he's still Puck and he's always been prone to remarks about how hot she is regardless of who she's dating.

I don't feel particularly brave writing this. I'm over forty years old and my experiences dealing with abuse are firmly in my past where I'm able to deal with them. I've been in support groups of various types and therapy at one time and it takes years to get healthy minded about this sort of history.

I'm in awe of women and men who've been through worse than I have and emerged stronger and with purpose, trying to help others in similar situations. I think unless we deal with our problems we end up with excuses for our own behavior. We all start out with reasons but unless we learn to change, to get healthy for ourselves rather than others, our reasons can very quickly become excuses.