Author's note: I hope this chapter finds you well. It's a little more serious than the previous chapters. And Rose makes a big appearance here.

Happy reading!

Chapter Nineteen

I got out of bed as soon as the sun was up. I made myself a cup of coffee and curled up in my favorite chair. I watched the bedroom. Adrian might sleep all day. I didn't know when he went to sleep. But I couldn't stand to be in the house with him. If he didn't wake up soon, I was going to have to just get out.

"Sydney?" He called softly.

I remained silent.

He stepped into the living room and watched me for a moment. "Are you okay?"

"Get dressed. Take me to my car."

"Sydney—"

"Please just do as I say. I want to be alone today."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Sydney."

"I need to be alone, Adrian."

He watched me for a little longer and then nodded. He walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind him. He emerged a minute later and headed toward the door without a word.

I picked up my keys from the hook by the door and locked up.

Adrian stood against the side of his car smoking. He blew smoke out the side of his mouth. "You have nothing to feel guilty about." He flicked his ashes away.

"I shouldn't. I asked for it. But I do. And I need a day alone to compose myself."

"Okay. Fine." He lifted his foot and scraped the end of his cigarette out. He put the stub behind his ear and climbed into the car.

I got into the passenger seat and turned toward the window. We rode along in silence. I saw Adrian cut his eyes toward me several times. I didn't want to talk. I couldn't. All I wanted to do was go home and be alone so I could fall apart.

I got out of Adrian's car and right into mine. He hurried over and knocked on the window. I rolled it down reluctantly.

"Don't do anything stupid, Sydney. Please? Call me or your mom or someone. Don't wallow in this."

"My mother wouldn't understand and neither would you. Not really." I took a deep breath. "I'll call you tomorrow."

I drove home in a daze. I poured myself another cup of coffee and curled back into my chair. I stared at the wall as the light changed through the day. I was numb. I kept playing the night's events over and over in my head. As the sun dipped toward the horizon, I came back to myself.

"What have I done?" I looked around my house, lost.

I found my phone and looked at it. Who could I call? Who would understand?

And then it came to me: Rose.

She answered in the middle of the third ring. "Sydney? Is everything okay?"

"I don't know." I said uncertainly. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"No, I'm off today. I've got plans to watch Andrea later… What's going on?"

"I, uh, never thought I'd need…" I felt a sob creeping up my throat. "I let Adrian feed from me." I admitted in a strangled whisper. "And I didn't know who else to call."

"Oh, Sydney." She said softly. "Now you feel guilty?"

"Yes. Useless. Dirty."

"But you're not. I felt the same way when I got back from running with Lissa. I was her only option. And I felt dirty, too. I felt like everyone watching me was judging me for it. But I think the ones who understood the reason why we did it, didn't think so. She couldn't get to a feeder so easily when we were in hiding."

"What about when you and Adrian…?"

She said gently, "I never felt wrong for it. I understand why you did. You didn't do anything wrong, Sydney. You love him. He loves you. This was a way to be intimate without actually having sex. And I know that's something you and Adrian were holding off on. He told me."

"I still feel so bad about it."

"I'll tell you what you're going to do, Sydney. You're going to get off this phone. You're going to take a long soak in a hot bath or a really long shower and let all the guilt melt away. Wash it down the drain. You did nothing wrong. Neither did Adrian. Then you're going to call your fiancé and tell him you love him and how happy you are that you're marrying him. And you'll go on with your life because you are the kind of woman that does."

"Thank you for the pep talk."

"Any time."

I sighed. "I don't know what came over me."

"I know that feeling. He has that ability to just look at him and want to do everything with him. If we hadn't gotten our wits about us in time, there is a chance I could have a little Adrian running around."

"He wants one."

"And you don't?" She asked gently.

"Did you like being shipped off? Being forced to learn to fight for the possibility that you would die defending people who mostly only use you and yours for that purpose?"

"I would have liked it better if my mother didn't act like she resented me."

"I'm sure that's not the case."

"No, I know it's not. But this is my life. I'm a Dhampir, born of a Moroi and a Dhampir union. My mother is active. There was no other option for me. There is for you. You can keep your kids at home. You're a human. You don't have to be part of this life any more than your husband visiting a feeder once a week and contact with Jill. That's it."

"I still worry…Your numbers are down."

"We'll build them up on our own. It'll be fine. What's one or two? Really?" She chuckled, "Don't let Dimitri know I said that, though."

I laughed, "I won't." I took a deep breath. "I'll let you go. I know playing with Andrea is probably more exciting that talking to me."

"No, it's fine. I always liked you, Sydney." She paused. "I'm glad he's with you. I was a bitch about everything. He deserved way better and he found it in you."

"Your approval…It means a lot."

"You don't need my approval. You never did. I just need to apologize. I hurt him and…I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to deal with it."

"Not nearly as much as Jill."

"No. And I think she and I are okay on that front. We get each other."

"I bet that's hard. I mean, you had no one, you just had to deal with it for the longest time."

"Yeah, it was hard. Kind of glad it's over. Mostly. Sometimes I miss it."

"I understand."

"You ever miss being an Alchemist?"

I thought about it a moment. "I miss seeing my dad. But I don't miss the way he always judged me."

"He still judges you now, from what I understand."

"He does. But now I have Adrian and a life I like much better. I'm doing something I enjoy and planning a wedding to a man who loves me for who I am, warts and all."

Rose laughed.

"I'm glad I met you, Rose. I don't know if any of this would have been possible without you."

"What do you mean?"

"You're strong. You do what you want. You didn't sit back and just let Dimitri go. You went after him to fulfill a promise you both made to each other. You have determination that I never had before. And I respect you for it. I'm glad you didn't just stick with Adrian. If you had, I'd still be an Alchemist, starving myself of food and what is right. Just going along. And I'd still be scared of all of you. So, thank you, Rose. You'll never know the full impact you've had on my life."

There was silence on the line for a few seconds. I thought I'd lost her, but then she said, "I'm glad I could do that for you, Sydney."

My phone beeped with another call. "I'll let you go. You have a whole day off ahead of you and I'm sitting here ruining it."

"It's not ruined. Knowing I've mended some fences actually makes it better. If you ever need anything again, don't hesitate to call."

"Thanks. I won't."

I clicked over as soon as Rose hung up. I didn't check the collar ID. I knew it was Jill.

"Adrian won't answer my calls." She said without preamble. "He just sends a text telling me to leave him alone." She complained.

"Jill, if he doesn't want to talk, I can't make him. He's not here anyway." I went into the bathroom and turned on the water as hot as it would go.

"I know he's not there. That's the only thing he'll let me see. He's blocking me. Is everything okay?"

"It will be. Don't worry."

"Sydney, he's so depressed. He hasn't felt this way since Rose."

"I'll call him, okay? Don't worry. We just hit a rough patch. You can still feel him, right?"

She paused. "Yes."

"So everything is fine. I'll call him and work this out. I promise."

"Thank you." She sighed, "He thought you were one step closer, now you're about ten steps back."

"Jill what do you know?"

"I know…that you and he got a little hot and heavy…but that's all I got. I blocked it. I got the emotion, though. It was so high, it leaked through the bond despite the block I put up. But then it was over."

I sighed in relief. "I'll call him. I'll make it right, Jill."

"Thank you."

I sent a text to Adrian. "I'll call in an hour. Or you can come by. Your choice. Just give me an hour."

I set my phone down on the sink and undressed, sliding into the steaming water slowly. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. "Lovely." I let it all melt away, just like Rose had suggested.

There was a knock on the front door. Adrian called, "Sydney, I'm coming in."

"Okay." I called from the bathroom. I pulled a fluffy robe on and walked out to meet him.

We stood several feet apart.

"I'm sorry." He said the same time I said, "I had a talk with Rose."

He gave me an odd look. "Rose?"

"I realized she was the only one who would understand."

"Oh."

I took a step forward. "Jill is worried about you."

"I know she is. I talked to her after I got your text." He swallowed. "I didn't mean to take advantage."

"You didn't. I asked for you to do it." I took another step toward him. "I love you, Adrian. I don't ever want you to forget that."

He closed the rest of the space between us and cupped my cheeks. "And I love you. So much."

I pressed myself up on my toes and kissed him. "Give me a couple minutes to get dressed. Then we'll talk some more."

"Why do you have to get dressed?" He slid his hand under the robe and touched my side, his thumb resting just under my breast.

"After last night, that is not happening for a while." I stepped away and quickly disappeared into my bedroom.

Adrian called through the door, "Can I please come in? I know what you look like naked."

"I don't think that's such a good idea." I quickly dressed.

He paused and I imagined him brushing his hand against the door. "I missed you today, Sydney."

"I'm sorry." I stepped out, pulling my shirt on over my head. "I missed you, too."

He pulled me into his arms and gave me a crushing kiss. "I love you. I love you so much. Last night—"

"It was great, but it's not happening again. Do you understand?"

"I understand." He picked me up and carried me to the couch.

"I love you, Adrian." I kissed him as I curled up on his lap. "Just hold me."

"I can do that." He reclined on the couch and pulled me on top of him. He combed his fingers through my hair. "Have you eaten today?"

"No." I admitted ashamedly.

"I'll order pizza." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and punched in the number for the place we usually order from. "It will be here in a half hour. So do you want to talk?"

"No, I want to just lay here for a while with you."

"That's fine. I can deal with that." He combed his fingers through my hair and smoothed his hand over my back. "I love you. You told me not to forget it and I don't want you to forget it either, Sydney. You're so important to me."

"Me too, sweetheart." I sighed, pressing my eyes into his shoulder. I felt a sob escape me.

"Hey, shh. It's okay."

"I feel like there's a stain on my soul."

"I do too." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry, Sydney." He breathed. "I'm so sorry. I should have known better. I shouldn't have done it, but I was just so…" He took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry."

I breathed him in for a long time. "You don't need to apologize. And neither do I. We were just meeting our needs as best we could."

"We'll move past it." He kissed the top of my head.

"We will."