"I promise myself to you and only you." Santana runs her thumb over the knot in the middle of the ring that now sits on Brittany's finger. She grins and lifts her gaze up to find Brittany smiling back at her. "I know that this doesn't exactly fix everything." She says, her eyes looking deeply into both blues locked into her. Brittany sucks in her lips, smile still there, and shakes her head in understanding and agreement. "I never want you to feel like I'm not thinking about you, because that's all I do." She explains in a low and extra raspy voice. "I can't go one second without thinking about you." Brittany smirks and pulls her hand back from Santana, only to lace their fingers together and set them on her lap. "I can't tell you how horrible I feel for making you question me." Brittany's eyes fall to their clasped hands on her leg and she covers them with her other hand.
"Santana," She starts. "You were right before when you said I hadn't been a very good girlfriend." Her eyes move to find Santana's staring right back at her with curiosity. "But, you're wrong in thinking it was all your fault. I just left." She shakes her head at herself and brings the heel of her palm to rub away some tears that have trickled their way out of her eye. "Instead of fighting for us, I fought against you." Brittany sniffles a bit and wipes under her nose with the sleeve of Santana's hoodie she's wearing.
"I hadn't been very trustworthy, Britt." Santana admits, hanging her head in shame and because she can't bear it seeing tears in Brittany's eyes. "I don't really blame you."
"When I say we need better communication," Brittany continues through a short cough from emotion. "I really mean it." Her eyes focus deeply into Santana's. "It wasn't just you keeping things from me, but, I feel like I wasn't exactly expressing myself the right way." She clears her throat, shuffles closer so that their knees are touching and drops her hand down to once again cover their clasped hands.
"But, you shouldn't have even had to." Santana defends, hoping to put an end to all of the tears tonight. It should be a happy homecoming and reunion. "Not only should I have listened to you, but I should have known better." With her free hand she rubs her palm into her forehead as though to clear her thoughts and get rid of the pain of their problems, even if they are on the mending road. "Do I like that you left?" She throws out the question between them as thought really. "No." She shakes her head and drops her other hand to come down onto Brittany's that is covering their clasped hands. "I mean, how are we supposed to grow if we don't do it together?" Instantly she rolls her eyes at herself. Those aren't exactly the words she meant to use, but Brittany remains quiet because she can tell that much. "What I mean to say is," She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I don't want personal problems to be just personal." She carefully explains, watching her words sink into Brittany. But, when Brittany twists her lips trying to decipher everything, she continues. "Work, family, friends, classes, cramps and everything else, I want it all to be our problems." She tilts her head to the side and nervously scrunches her eyebrows waiting for a sign of understanding come from Brittany. At the corner of her mouth, Brittany allows a small smile to form on her lips and she blinks a few times, letting her eyes fall down to the rings on their fingers. "Your sadness is my sadness and your joy is mine too." She adds, dipping her head to find Brittany's still glistening eyes.
"I'm sorry I never say 'sorry'." Brittany squeaks out, tiny teardrops spill from the corners of her eyes and down her cheeks. The corners of Santana's mouth turn upside down and she lifts her thumb up to wipe the tears away.
"How 'bout we wipe the 'sorry slate' clean?" Santana offers and tucks some of Brittany's hair behind her ear, trying to bring a small assuring smile to her face. Brittany's eyes stay on their hands and she nods, trying to fight off the pout that has taken over her lips. "And," She pulls her other hand from Brittany's and brings it to the other cheek so she is cradling Brittany's face. "Instead of listing the things we are sorry for, we take the time to tell each other why we love one another." She leans her head sideways and waits for a response either physically or verbally. She can see the wheels turning in Brittany's head and how her expression moves little by little.
"I love you so much, Santana." Brittany finally blurts out, bringing her eyes up to look at Santana through her tears. "And I don't think my list of why could ever end, but," She sniffles and wipes her nose once more with her sleeve. "I'm so tired." She chokes out, desperate to keep her tears at bay. Santana sucks in her lips and sniffles as well, shaking her head to dry the tears from her own eyes before they fall.
"Me too." Santana admits in a sad, exhausted voice. Obviously there's no use in pretending to be so strong right now, not when Brittany is finally home. "And I'm kinda hungry." She tells her, looking over towards the kitchen where the cold pizza is still sitting on top of the oven instead of in it. She turns her attention back to Brittany when she hears a tiny giggle.
"I'm sorry I made the pizza get cold." Brittany comments, looking over her shoulder at the kitchen even though she can't really see the pizza from her spot. Santana sighs and quirks her eyebrow.
"No more with the 'I'm sorry'." She reminds with a wave of her finger. "At least, not for something like cold pizza." She winks and pushes herself up from the couch. But, before making her way into the kitchen she feels Brittany's hand on her wrist and she looks down. Brittany gets up on her knees on the couch and sets her hand on Santana's cheek.
"You're so good to me, Santana Lopez." Brittany breathes out and looks into those brown eyes as her thumb grazes the corner of Santana's mouth. Without getting one word out, Santana closes her eyes at the feeling of Brittany's lips on her own and melts in the spot she stands.
It's a soft kiss, a graze of their lips really. It's over before she knows it, but Santana can feel the smile etched on her face because she sees it mirrored on Brittany's. And even through the tear tracks on her girlfriend's cheeks, she can't help but think how beautiful she is. So, she tells her.
"You're so beautiful." Santana whispers, their breath mixing together. Her fingers brush over her cheek and then to move some blonde hair from her face. "I missed you." Brittany's lower lip juts out, not into a full on pout, but just enough to show how sad it is to have to say those words let alone hear them.
"I missed you, too." She replies in a small voice.
They stare into one another's eyes for a few moments longer until Santana's stomach interrupts them with a ravenous growl. They laugh and Santana looks down with embarrassment at her body for interrupting their sweet, homecoming moment. With an approving nod from Brittany to prepare some fuel for their bodies, she slinks into the kitchen to toss a few slices of pizza onto a cookie sheet and into the oven.
Twisting her lips in thought, Santana stands in front of the refrigerator wondering what she wants to drink. She swings the door under her arm as she stands there, tilting her head from side to side. Brittany, still kneeling on the couch, watches with a grin playing on her lips. It feels good to be back; to be home. But, even though she feels relieved to be back in New York and back in the apartment she shared with Santana, it doesn't take away the bit of sadness still in her heart. There have been moments they have missed out on and memories they could have been making over this past month.
"Water?" Santana calls out, thankfully pulling Brittany away from her thoughts. She looks over at Santana who is waving a bottle of water at her from over the open refrigerator door.
"Share?" She asks in return and Santana grins at the usual reply Brittany gives to the same question every time.
Sharing water like they used to do doesn't exactly change everything. Maybe nothing is back to the way it used to be and maybe it never is going to be that way again. But, that's kind of the point. Moving forward and trying to be better doesn't mean erasing all of the good things though. So, it's kind of like they are starting over at each bad step they have taken. Like a redo, because nothing is unfixable.
"Can you make me another promise?" Santana asks as she walks back towards the couch and her shoulders slump at the way Brittany falls into the couch, nervously awaiting the request. Santana clears her throat and takes a seat on the coffee table across from where Brittany is sitting on the couch. "And I will promise you the same thing." She adds as an afterthought. Brittany nods for her to continue. "I'm not naive enough to believe that we won't ever have disagreements or fights again. We will." She begins in a soft voice. She takes in a breath and lets it out as she sets the bottle of water down onto the coffee table next to her. "Can we promise one another to not resort to leaving?" Santana chews on her bottom lip, shoves her hands between her knees and anxiously bounces her feet up and down on the wooden floor. "Watching you leave," She drops her chin to her chest, not sure if she is staring at her hands between her knees or just distracting herself from breaking down. "Well, I think that was one of the worst moments of my life." She explains, lifting her head up just in time to catch her emotions being put on display across Brittany's face.
"I promise." She says and is quick to catch a tear on the tip of her finger before it trickles away. Santana gently places her hand onto Brittany's knee and squeezes it affectionately.
After pizza and some television that neither of them is really watching, Santana yawns when she hears Brittany yawn. She looks over and notices how she is rubbing her eye with a loose fist, like the way a child does to try and avoid sleep. Taking the initiative, she grabs the remote from between them and turns it off, leaving the room completely silent. She rests her head on the back of the couch and waits for Brittany to look back at her. When she does, they smile sweetly at one another, sleep very much taking over their bodies.
"I kind of don't know what to do here." Santana admits after a quick glance at the cable box, letting her know its a little past midnight. Her hands toy around with the remote control, flipping and tumbling it around to keep her mind and hands busy.
"Usually, you close your eyes and then sleep just kind of happens." Brittany points out with a cute little smirk that makes Santana playfully roll her eyes. Santana's head drops and her eyes focus on the controller, stilling it between both of her hands and she chews on the insides of her cheeks for a moment. "I think," Brittany continues, not wanting the silence to take over them once again. "One of the things I missed most while I was gone was falling asleep knowing you were there with me." Santana lifts her gaze over in Brittany's direction as if to say, 'really, me too'. "Even before that." She admits regretfully. "I don't think I slept any of those nights I was in the guestroom."
Instead of continuing to discuss what they miss and missed, Santana gets up from the couch, turns to Brittany and holds her hand out. It's a gesture she has probably made to Brittany a billion and one times before. It's not just because she's tired and doesn't feel like going around and around about how they are supposed to be now that Brittany is back. She's also not just offering Brittany her hand, she's offering her so much more than that.
With her hand held out, Santana is offering herself wholly and fully. Maybe she isn't saying the words and for a moment, she contemplates saying them simply because they agreed to be more communicative. But, those words are there in the ring on Brittany's finger. With her hand held out, Santana is saying 'I need you too, in all the same ways that you need me'.
"I can't sleep without you." She says and watches as Brittany places her hand into her own. "I don't want to either."
It's strange, walking through the home they have shared for the past four years with such uncertainty. Everything is the same, except for the walls of their bedroom that they have repainted a few dozen times. It feels like forever since they've slept in there in such a long time that Brittany wonders if the walls are going to look different from the bed than they used to. It's probably a silly thought and something not many other people would worry about. But, it was something she could rely on.
She would come home from wherever and lay in their bed for hours, just thinking. Those walls were strewn with her thoughts and wishes and her dreams. Perhaps she just hopes that all of those things are still there. Upon reaching the door, Santana squeezes her hand and looks back at her to give her a tight lipped smile. When they walk over the threshold, they are both greeted by the smell of their room. It's always smelled the same. Their scent mixed together was absolute perfection.
"I'm just gonna change." Santana breaks the comfortable silence and pulls her hand from Brittany's to point over towards the dresser. She grabs some sweats and a t-shirt, about to toss them onto the bed and strip, only to realize that she hasn't been naked in front of Brittany for a long time. Her brow furrows and she stares at the clothes in her hand. Brittany is sure she understands the hesitation and searches her mind for a perfect response.
"I meant it when I said I didn't want to start over." She says in a sweet voice and moves towards the side of the bed that Santana is standing on. "This," She grabs at the sleeve of the t-shirt that is hanging over Santana's arm and plays with the fabric between her fingers. "It shouldn't be awkward." Santana's eyes flit from the clothes in her arms and over to Brittany. "I'm gonna go grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth." She moves her hand from the shirt and Santana's arm and rubs her thumb over her skin. Santana smiles thankfully and nods.
She watches Brittany turn left down the hall and listens to the way her feet move across the wood of their floor. Her smile widens and she closes her eyes because that sound itself is soothing. That feeling helps her body ease itself out of her clothes and into her pajamas. Inwardly she groans at herself and how she made it more awkward by pointing out the awkwardness. All she was doing was avoiding making things even more awkward.
When she walks into the bathroom, Brittany has just finished brushing her teeth and she puts her toothbrush right beside Santana's. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and smiles, motioning for Santana to take her turn. For a few moments, they stand there, enjoying one another's company, until Brittany moves towards the door.
"I forgot to call my mom." She admits quickly and points behind her. "I'm just gonna call her quick. She's probably sleeping." She rolls her eyes at herself for forgetting and makes her way down the hall to use the apartment phone.
Brushed teeth and set in her pajamas, Santana steps to her side of the bed and carefully pulls down the comforter, preparing it to be entered. She leans across and tugs at Brittany's pillow, setting it just the way she likes it and then does the same to her own. With a deep breath, she kneels onto the mattress and sets herself down into it comfortably and pulls the covers up to her waist.
Nervously, she laces her fingers together and sets her hands onto her stomach. If she wasn't aware of the butterflies dancing around inside of her stomach yet, well, it was kind of hard to avoid them at this point. She was feeling hot and cold and tingles at the tips of her toes. The corner of her bottom lip finds its way between her teeth as she plays through several different scenes in her mind.
Brittany is still out in the kitchen most likely assuring her mother that all of the traveling went fine and that she is safe and sound. But, there are some unfortunate scenarios that come through as well. Like, perhaps Brittany had told her parents about everything that happened and maybe she is telling her mom that she feels uncomfortable and uncertain now that she's here. Or, maybe she didn't tell her parents the actual truth and made up something lame to avoid the idea of them not liking Santana anymore.
All of this thinking is only adding to her anxiety and the fact that Brittany is finally walking back towards their bedroom. The sound of her bare feet lightly padding their way towards echoes their way through Santana's crazy thoughts and makes her more alert. Almost too alert. She shifts upwards in the bed, eyes focused on the door.
"Sorry 'bout that." Brittany mumbles, equally as nervous, and she leans into the door frame.
"'S'okay." Santana waves the apology away and shifts her position against the headboard so she appears more comfortable than she actually is.
"My mom says 'hi'." Brittany says, finally pulling herself away from the frame of the door but only to stand a few feet away from it. Santana finds her shoulders relax and she lets out a breath she hadn't been aware she's been holding and she smiles. "Is it weird that this feels weird?" She blurts out as she bounces on the balls of her feet and her fingers tug at one another. Santana sadly smirks and looks down at her fingers that are apparently pulling at a pesky string that has been slowly unraveling over the year.
"No." She answers after some thought. "It does." She slaps her hand onto the comforter to stop fidgeting and looks up at Brittany who has taken a few more steps closer to her.
"I feel, like," Brittany starts again and finally she is kneeling onto the bed. "I want to talk some more." She admits, sitting on her knees and resting her hands on her thighs. Santana tilts her head from side to side before nodding in agreement and turning a bit in her spot to face Brittany more.
"Okay," Santana says softly and offers a smile. "What's on your mind?" Brittany's lips twist in thought and she takes in a deep breath before letting it out slowly.
"Why did you keep things from me?" It's the question that's been hovering over them for months. Santana's lips part and her eyes move from Brittany and around the comforter barely covering her body.
"I…" She's thought about this so many times. She's talked to Quinn and Rachel countless times about everything and analyzed her choices over and over again. But, no matter which answer she provided herself or her friends, none of them actually sounded good enough. "I don't know." Santana finally answers and shakes her head. When she looks over at Brittany, she finds her eyes have fallen into her lap. "I was stupid and…" She stops talking when Brittany's eyes shoot up at her.
"Santana," Brittany sighs and carefully removes her hand from her own lap and reaches out to touch Santana's. "No matter what ridiculous thing you do, I'll never think you're stupid." She half smiles and squeezes Santana's hand.
"I know." Santana hangs her head, trying not to get too excited about Brittany touching her or speaking so sweetly to her. She doesn't feel like she deserves any of this. "I just… I didn't want to hurt you." Santana admits quietly, looking at the way her fingers sit beneath the weight of Brittany's.
"But, you did." Brittany breathes out. Her answer isn't even needed because they both know it. Unintended or not, it happened.
"I know, but, I was trying to avoid that." Santana quickly defends. "I thought that if I… Quinn was right, you were right and I was wrong. And you know how I feel about being wrong." Santana starts to choke up and Brittany tilts her head, sending her an empathetic smile. "I realized I had let things get out of control and I was trying to make them right. But, really, I just did everything so completely wrong." A tear escapes her eye and she swiftly lifts her hand so her finger can swipe it away. "And," She shakes her head and sniffles. "You were right that you shouldn't have even had to ask me to not see her but I wish that I had. But when I realized all of that shit it was too late." Her lower lip trembles and her eyes finally flicker up to find Brittany's staring right back at her. "Is there any way we can move past this?" Her brow furrows and her nose scrunches as she tries her hardest to fight off tears. Brittany shrugs her shoulders as she lightly shakes her head.
"What do you think I'm doing here?" She says sweetly, bringing her other hand over to cover their clasped ones. "When I was at my parents' house all I could keep thinking about was you. I was wondering what you were doing, who you were with and what you were thinking. I missed being able to just look at you and know." Her legs move from beneath her and she shifts until her back is against the headboard next to Santana's. "But, then I kept thinking about how the fact that we weren't using words and depending on looks wasn't exactly working." Before Santana can look away, Brittany brings her hand up to set her fingers under her chin to hold her gaze. "I love that we don't always need words. It's kind of like we have super powers." She smiles and in turn, Santana smiles. "I just think that we need to use our words better." Santana can't fight the giggle that pops out, even though some tears have trickled down her cheek. "Yeah, I spent a lot of time with Laurie." Brittany rolls her eyes at herself for using a term that is most often used on little children.
"I know what you mean though." Santana nods and looks down at her hand in both of Brittany's. "And," She smirks, lifting her eyes back up to Brittany's. "I like that idea."
"So," Brittany drawls out, letting her fingers move along Santana's skin softly. "I'm pretty sure there's a permanent indent in my parents' living room couch of my ass." They grin at one another and their shoulders shift against the headboard.
"I wore your yellow scarf for two weeks." Santana chuckles, holding up to fingers and Brittany pouts.
"Only two?" Brittany pokes her cheek, instantly getting her hand swatted away. "Umm," She clears her throat and watches her hand come back down to their hands. "I called the studio, to tell them I was coming back and wanted to see if I still had a job." She starts slowly and Santana patiently waits, expecting something not so good. But, then Brittany shyly smiles. "They want me at the studio full time." Santana's grin widens and she gasps, but she's not really that surprised.
"Britt," Santana nudges Brittany's shoulder with a loose fist. "That's great news. When do you start?" She asks, anxious about Brittany's dancing dreams becoming more of a reality since when they first started here.
"Well, that's the thing." She tilts her head from side to side. "After I got that great news, I sorta got maybe better news." She quirks an eyebrow and sends Santana a hopeful look. "Lex was at the studio when I called and she said that I had a lot of mail there." Santana stares back at her in confusion.
"Why's mail getting sent to the studio?" Santana questions curiously.
"Not our regular mail sweetie," Brittany replies instantly and bashfully looks down at the term of endearment that has slipped from her tongue so easily. "I thought it would make sense to have anything related to possible jobs sent to the studio." She shrugs her shoulders. "I mean, this way if I had any questions I could ask the people I work with." Santana nods, understanding that kind of logic.
"Oh, okay."
"Yeah, so, apparently there were a few letters addressed to me from a couple of different companies and studios." She continues, getting praises via proud looks from Santana. "There was even one from this agency, right here in New York." Brittany gnaws on her bottom lip, watching the information marinate in Santana's brain.
"What does… what's this mean?" Santana blurts out, patience wearing thin.
"I don't really know." Brittany sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. "I mean, she said she was dying to open it for me, but just when I was about to say 'do it' she had to get back to her class." She twists her lips and her shoulders slump in slight disappointment. "I don't want to get my hopes up."
Santana nods and lets out a long breath she's been holding in. She looks down at their hands, then at Brittany and then at their comforter. Through their relationship there had been so many times where one or both of them hadn't wanted to get their hopes up. But, it seemed, that things always seemed to work out for them in the end. Santana couldn't figure out if it was because the fates were on their side and Brittany wasn't sure if it was due to her normally sunny and optimistic disposition that led to their good fortune. Even taking away the bumps in the road, things ironed themselves out and they both could probably agree that it's because they do it all together.
"No matter what," Santana finally breaks the short silence that has fallen between them and she squeezes Brittany's hand. "If this is an opportunity or if it's something that doesn't work out, it's a step in the right direction for you." She smiles and lifts Brittany's hand to her lips, pressing a soft kiss to her knuckles. "You're going in first thing tomorrow aren't you?" She laughs and brings their hands back down to her lap.
"Actually," Brittany toys with the ring on Santana's finger she'd given her freshman year of college. "I was hoping we could do breakfast. Ya know, like we used to." She yawns, pulling her hand up to cover her mouth.
"And talk more." Santana finishes, figuring that's where Brittany was inevitably leading to and then she yawns herself. Brittany smiles, nods and shuffles down into the bed until she rests her head down onto her pillow essentially pulling their hands apart.
"Mhmm." Brittany hums out, turning onto her side to watch Santana shift into a laying position as well.
"And because you miss my pancakes." Santana says through another yawn, receiving a giggle in response from the girl beside her.
"Mmm, yeah. That too."
They lie there, on their sides, staring back at one another for the first time in a while. It had been a long time since they've shared a bed and since they have taken the time to stop all the talking and take each other in. Even with all the focus on needing to communicate better, it's inevitable that they will always be able to rely on a simple look. But, since their new focus is on using their words, they do.
"I love you." Santana whispers and slides her hand up between them and sets it onto Brittany's.
"I love you too, Santana."
For a while, they both try to fight off sleep. Eventually though, it takes them over. For the most part, they sleep soundly for the first time in months. But, at three in the morning, Brittany wakes up and nudges Santana in the shoulder.
"Santana." She whispers loudly. "Santana." She repeats, shoving her a bit harder.
"Hmm?" Santana groans and rolls towards Brittany, her eyes nearly popping open almost forgetting that she isn't alone in bed. When her eyes focus, she smiles, remembering that she isn't alone and that Brittany is finally back. "What's up baby?" She asks, but her sleepy eyes render her from seeing the small grin on Brittany's lips.
"Can you put your arm under my pillow?"