A/N: Here's the next chapter…not much to say here :/
It took Tony a few minutes to get off the initial high where he was always happy, onto the regular high where he amplified his previous state-of-mind or emotion at the time.
The change was almost instantaneous. One second he was grinning goofily, then his face fell and he was looking more depressed than he'd ever allowed his teammates, except Gibbs, to see.
It had been years since he had felt this depressed. He knew that the painkillers were affecting his current emotional state, but honestly, he had been feeling this for a while. The only difference being, he had repressed it and refused to admit it to even himself. The fact that his mask was once again, completely gone (for the time being) made things even worse.
During the worst days, he'd usually overly compensate his fake emotions and actions: happy-go-lucky frat boy. But now – now his defenses were shut down. What he would give to just take a day off right now. Gibbs would never allow that, though. He'd probably go all 'Papa-Bear Gibbs' on him…
Ziva glanced up at Tony. When he first came in, he had been all 'overly-happy' and she hadn't heard him say anything in a few minutes or even just randomly giggle over some supposedly interesting object. When she looked up she was shocked into silence. He looked…sad, to put it simply. She didn't know if she had ever seen him appear so…broken.
For all the years that she's known Tony, she'd expected that he wasn't just the frat boy, womanizer he portrayed. She realized now that she was probably right. And this was it.
The real Tony DiNozzo.
She had thought that his true nature would be calm and collected – but still happy – or maybe just indifferent, even. But depressed? She wouldn't have guessed that. Sure, at the end of some days or cases he seemed a little quieter and withdrawn, but never outright depressed.
He also looked vulnerable. Not weak, but emotionally vulnerable. She supposed that without his emotional buffer that he seemed more unstable and uncontrolled emotionally.
She abruptly stopped her musings and decided she should be working…working…they had no active cases right now so she had to work cold cases…great.
McGee looked over at Tony. He seemed depressed. Tony? Depressed? For some reason he had thought that was basically impossible. He had thought of Tony as one of the happier members of NCIS.
Tony seemed more open right now…it was strange to be able to look at Tony's face and actually read his emotions. To know how he was feeling and how strong that emotion was – how serious the situation was.
Usually one someone looked at Tony DiNozzo, they saw a handsome, smiling face looking back at them. McGee suspected that what they normally saw was just a front. Just one big deflection. He spent every day he was at work hiding behind a persona that he wanted others to see. Not the actual person he was sometimes. Not the man that looked so broken right now.
McGee sighed as he turned back to his computer. He hoped Tony knew that they were all willing to help him. Whatever was bothering him – they would do their best to fix.
Tony had been lost in his musings and was jarred out of them by the ringing of his cell phone.
Caller ID: Jimmy Palmer [Gremlin]
Tony closed his eyes and breathed out. He couldn't give away anything to Palmer about what he was feeling right now. Palmer was his friend, his confidante. Palmer would be able to tell something was wrong with him by the tone of his voice.
"Very Special Agent Tony DiNozzo." Tony answered in what he hoped was a cheerful tone.
Palmer was surprised at Tony's voice, it sounded forced. Palmer shook his head disapprovingly, Tony should know better by now than to try to fool him.
"Tony, I was just calling to ask why you didn't show up at the bar last night and why you didn't answer your phone when I tried calling you – home and cell. We go to the bar every week, I was just concerned something was wrong." Palmer rambled slightly. Damn, nervous habits…
"Oh…uh…well, I guess I just forgot…sorry…how 'bout tonight instead? To make up for it." Tony added quickly.
Palmer could tell that the faux happy personality was wearing thin and was ready to get to the bottom of it.
"Hey, Tony, would you mind coming down to Autopsy for a few minutes so we can talk?" Palmer tried to speak normally but was getting nervous because of Tony's recent behavior.
"Uh, sure, be right there…"
Tony stood and started to walk out of the bullpen when he heard his boss' voice.
"DiNozzo," Tony turned. "where are you going?" Gibbs questioned.
"Just to Autopsy. Palmer needs me for something…" Tony added as he made his way to the elevator.
When Tony arrived at Autopsy, he was feeling even more down. He wanted to just curl up in a little ball in the corner of the room and fall asleep for a few hours.
When he stepped through the sliding doors, Palmer's anxious face looked up from the file he was holding and he began walking towards Tony.
"Tony, are you okay?" Palmer blurted out unceremoniously.
Tony looked into his friend's kind eyes and saw genuine concern. He was surprised that anyone was concerned about him.
Palmer was his closest friend (Gibbs doesn't count), Tony thought, maybe I can tell him…I know I can trust him. Palmer is like a brother to me. He deserves to know.
"…no…" Tony whispered.
Palmer was surprised that Tony admitted that. Tony was never one to admit to any kind of weakness, knowing this, Palmer was even more alarmed by Tony's response. But waited for Tony to continue on his own, it was obvious that this was a sensitive subject right now.
"I…Palmer," Tony sighed. "I need to tell you something. About my childhood…
"I didn't exactly have a happy childhood, as you may have already guessed, but it was worse than just the stories I've told you and the team – hell, I haven't even told Abby…but…well, you know that my father was less than a kind man. He was probably worse than you thought, though…" Tony took a deep, shuddering breath and then a slightly creepy, sarcastic chuckle.
"Guess I probably deserved it, though. I was a smart-mouthed little bastard…I probably needed to be taught a lesson…I needed to be punished." Tony choked out the last word and his eyes dropped to the floor below him.
Palmer stood in shock. He had his suspicions about Tony being abused emotionally, with abandonment mainly, but by the way Tony was talking the abuse had been physical as well. Palmer was surprised to say the least, but was determined to help Tony through this. He had to be strong for Tony.
"Tony, you didn't deserve anything your father did to you. All kids make mistakes, all people have flaws. Your father was just a bastard for trying to change you through physical violence. None of this is your fault, Tony."
Tony just nodded his head slightly in response.
"H-have you told anyone else?" Palmer inquired after a few minutes of reflective silence.
"Just Gibbs…but, I think Ducky knows – has for a while, but was confirmed from what he just overheard." Tony turned around as he finished and smiled grimly at Ducky who had walked in around the beginning of Tony's explanation.
"I'm sorry, Anthony, I walked in to and saw you two talking and when I heard what it was about, I couldn't stop you nor could I leave. My apologies, Anthony, I didn't mean to invade your privacy in such a way." Ducky hastily apologized.
"It's fine, Duck. It's better you found out know anyway. That's one less person I'm eventually going to have to explain it to." Tony quickly retreated out the doors and into the elevator again.
He was barely thinking as he pressed the Emergency Stop and slowly sank to the floor, bringing his knees into his chest. Maybe it was the drugs, but he didn't think he had enough strength to stand again. The drugs did little to lessen the emotional pain he was feeling now.
He felt something wet on his face and reached up his hand and found that he was crying. How pathetic. He couldn't even talk about it now without crying.
After another minute of sitting in silence, Tony flipped off the Emergency Stop and hit the button for the floor that held one of his closest friends.
When the elevator stopped, Tony took a deep breath before walking out. His ears were bombarded with loud music coming from the speakers. He immediately went over and turned it off.
"Hey! Tony, why'd you do that? What are you doing here anyway? Not that I mind you here, I love it when you visit, but you don't have a case right now do you? Tony answer-" Abby's rambling was abruptly cut off when Tony turned around and she saw the tear tracks on his face and the fresh tears filling his eyes.
"What's wrong?" She questioned softly, now overly worried.
Tony didn't trust his voice at the moment so he just walked over to her and hugged her.
She could feel his tense muscles and immediately guess the issue.
"Father?" She whispered.
Tony just nodded in response.
Abby tightened the hug and felt a few tears of her own forming. She had always hated DiNozzo, Sr. for all the things that he'd done to Tony, all the emotional strain he put on him, but she sensed something bigger here.
She felt Tony take a deep breath before he pulled back slightly and explained the same thing he did to Palmer and Ducky.
When he finished, Abby was quietly crying into his shoulder and he found himself crying again as well.
As Tony left the lab, he actually a felt a little happier. Maybe it was the drugs talking, but he felt as if the weight he'd been carrying all these years, was slowly lessening. He figured that meant that if he told Ziva and McGee that he'd feel even better.
As Tony rode the elevator back up to the bullpen, he felt a renewed confidence. He felt like maybe things would be better after this. Maybe…
A/N: Okay, I feel like I haven't been updating my fanfics enough so in the next few days I will hopefully be able to update my 4 most current fics (Masks Dropped, We Lost a Dream We Never Had, For Her, and Maybe a Little…) Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter and I look forward to your feedback, they make writing more fun and enjoyable. They make me actually feel happy about something while I'm depressed…too much information O.o …anyway, please review!