A/N: Sorry about the wait, dudes, had some trouble writing this one.
In a way, this could in some ways work as a stand-alone (well, until the end perhaps). Again with a slightly odd format – it's kind of a mishmash of present day scenes, Chloe's general thoughts on Beca, and things that happened in the past. Chloe cannot be contained in a linear style, apparently, she just bursts out all over the page. (ew)
This chapter is a rather heavy T, bordering on M, for a few (very few, don't get excited) sexual references.
Slight warning for some implied self harm (not for Chloe or Beca). I'm sorry, this got a tiny bit dark in places without me really intending it.
Semi-finals come and go. And so does Beca.
It all happens so quickly that Chloe struggles to process it all. Aubrey tells Beca to ask the others what they thought of her improvisation, and for a moment, Beca's eyes flit to Chloe's. Begging for her to help, to stand up to Aubrey, to say… well, anything at all. They haven't spoken much in recent times, but here she is, still looking to Chloe for support.
What Chloe wants to say is that she thought it was beautiful. The mixing Ace of Base and La Roux was something she never would've considered on her own, and despite the odd choice, it works, even if it threw Chloe off momentarily. That her body is still tingling from the way Beca managed to fit her voice in with Aubrey's. That, actually, she's still kinda turned on from the whole thing, because Beca's voice does things to her that she can't explain; that Beca's raw talent for picking apart music and putting it back together is her new lady jam.
But she falters when she sees the way Aubrey is glaring at her, and regretfully averts her eyes. So Beca turns to Amy instead… and things spiral from there.
By the time Chloe gets the courage up to say anything, it's too late; 'Aubrey, don't,' Chloe starts to say, but Beca cuts her off.
'No, that's okay. You don't have to pretend like you have a say in the group, right?'
The words cut deeply, deeper than just the meaning would suggest - because it's Beca and she knows she's right.
(Chloe has always had a kind of weakness for basket cases.
It's not really something she enjoys, or has much control over. It's not even necessarily about attraction, but her rather exuberant enthusiasm for making people smile, especially people who aren't prone to it. It's just a thing, something she has to put up with and curb occasionally. Maybe more than occasionally, even. Just, sometimes she sees someone with a dark, down expression and her heart starts aching.
Kate was one, when Chloe was just an overly cheerful, wide-eyed freshman trailing after her stiletto heels in an effort to keep up, Kate's bag clutched between her hands. Kate was one of those girls, mysterious and moody, prone to always having a cigarette constantly caught between her lips and sitting on the steps in the most obtrusive way possible.
Maybe she just wanted girls to trip down the steps so she could make jokes about them falling head over heels for them with a perfectly arched eyebrow, which is what she did to Chloe. She was a goner from that moment on.
Her younger brother, Luke, for all of his rock-hard abs and his English accent, was an embarrassment to his sibling, and he felt it acutely. Maybe that was why Chloe got on so well with him. They could share in that niggling desire to please Kate, who could never be pleased.
Kate was a conflict, an oxymoron, and Chloe loved her with every fibre of her being. Kate had a constant scowl contorting her features but a smile that could make Chloe blush and soak through her jeans without even touching her. Kate had a vicious tongue that could reduce her to tears – and did regularly - but she could make Chloe swoon, practically in the same sentence. Kate disliked kids, and people in general but she wanted to be a teacher.
Kate loved music, but she wasn't a singer, and she thought acapella music was dumb.
Aubrey probably would've hated her from the start, if she even knew Kate existed. Maybe that's why she kept it a secret. Maybe she just didn't want Aubrey to try and get her to stop, even though she knew what she was doing wasn't healthy.
But whatever the reason, there was Chloe's life with Aubrey - study sessions, two hour rehearsals every day, smiles and hugs - and her life with Kate, where she came home wiping her smudged lipstick and hiding hickeys and tear tracks with make up.
The two could never meet.)
'Well, she's hardly wrong, is she?' Aubrey argues, during their fourth discussion dissecting every comment and facial movement made by Beca in their last encounter. 'She probably would mess up, and I'd be the one to clean up the mess. Personally, I think you've made a lucky escape and should count your blessings.'
'How can you be so two-faced?' Chloe snaps, finally asking the question that has been hovering in her mind for weeks now. 'I thought you were starting to like her, or at least respect her a bit more.'
Aubrey's face is expressionless when she speaks. 'Chloe, I gave her three strikes before she was out, which is more than I give most people when they make you cry repeatedly. I even gave her advice and help with her feelings, because I knew how much you liked her and wanted things to work out. Then she pulled that stunt with the Bellas. I have no need for someone like her in my life.' She puts her hand on Chloe's shoulder, heavy and warning. 'And I don't think you do, either.'
"Someone like her". She knows what that means coming from Aubrey. Someone who makes Chloe cry – though rarely intentionally - makes her unsure of herself, never lets her in fully. Aubrey had been absolutely furious to hear the full details (after a whole four years of half-lies and half-truths) about her secret relationship with Kate and vowed to never let her fall into such a trap again. But she needn't have worried. Chloe doesn't need that in her life anymore, and she'll make sure she never has to again.
For Chloe, though, "someone like her" means someone unbelievably sweet when she sets her mind to it, always caring and looking out for her in the most unexpected ways; someone who can flash her a tiny smirk and make her knees weak; someone who is a little damaged, maybe, but not enough that Chloe can't love her despite her jagged edges.
She's still working out how to avoid catching herself on them. But she wants to learn, because the alternative is nothing.
(If Beca is a little jagged, Kate was barbed wire that Chloe kept willingly throwing herself into.
It wasn't masochism that drew her to Kate, or even some twisted attraction to people who were wrong for her. No, that would probably make more sense than the real reason why Chloe never left. It was a blundering, misguided kind of altruism - a desire to put this broken woman back together, who cried into Chloe's hair when she thought she was asleep and sometimes went days at a time without contacting anyone until her girlfriend came anxiously knocking at her door.
Every morning - assuming Kate actually stayed over -Kate would bluntly tell her that someone was probably going to get hurt here, if they went on like this.
'No,' Chloe would reply, placing a careful kiss on Kate's fingers and wincing as she did when the tender skin on her arm snagged a little on the bed sheets. 'I would never hurt you.'
Somehow it never occurred to Chloe that Kate was perfectly capable of hurting her, too.)
Her throat is getting sorer every day, and somehow whenever she feels that constant little ache in her neck it always reminds her of Beca (as though she needs any more reason to think of her).
She was always quite caring when it came to Chloe's nodes, which in all honesty, rather surprised her. Most of the Bellas stopped commenting when they realised Chloe wasn't going to stop singing, so she got barely more than a sympathetic glance here and there or a cursory question.
Even Aubrey stopped, after a time. Which isn't to imply Aubrey doesn't care – but like Chloe, she wants to win this competition more than anything, and instead of regarding it like a medical condition (it's painful, therefore not worth it) the way Beca does, Aubrey seems to see it more as a hurdle Chloe has to get past. An obstacle, something she can overcome with lots of water and tea and vocal rest.
Maybe that's an exaggeration. Maybe Chloe's being too hard on her, in the wake of their seventh conversation about Beca while getting ready for Spring Break, where she pretty much told Chloe she was not "allowed" to consider Beca's "hijacking" of the semi-finals anywhere near the vicinity of "cool" or "inspired".
'In fact,' Aubrey said as she slammed the lid of her suitcase closed, 'If I hear Beca's name mentioned one more time, I don't even know what I might do.'
Chloe had narrowed her eyes and said simply, 'Beca.'
Aubrey glared at her and yanked her suitcase upright, slamming the door behind her on the way out.
Exaggeration or not, though. Aubrey definitely never worries as much about it as Beca does. Aubrey's worried eyes don't follow the movement of her hand as she rubs it over her throat. She doesn't gently try to persuade her not to sing, or remind her to rest her voice when it starts straining. She doesn't quote stories or optimistic statistics about vocal nodules that she found on Google, her eyes never understanding why Chloe carries on but understanding that it's important to her.
Then again, now Beca doesn't do any of those things, either.
(Chloe had been so pleased, so happy when Kate started opening up to her. After all, it was a whole two months of back and forth before she got anywhere at all besides sitting silently with her on the steps between her classes, declining the proffered cigarettes because she needed to take care of her voice.
Except, opening up for Kate wasn't quite letting Chloe in emotionally so much as letting her into her bed. Not that she complained much at the time, because wow, and to 19-year-old Chloe's mind there was no way she could touch Chloe like that without it meaning anything. A tongue at her ear and three fingers inside her was love... or something.
Except Kate started letting her bed out to other people, too. And Chloe forgave her the first three times she found out, and the next three, before in the end it was Kate that stopped it, because in her brusque words, 'This is dumb. I'll see you around, maybe.'
Aubrey was the one to pick up the pieces when Kate left, because there was no one else to turn to. In the end she'd admitted she'd been seeing someone secretly, as Aubrey would not take "hormones" as a solid excuse for why Chloe was sobbing in her bed every night.
And if she just happened to leave out the fact that Kate was a woman? If she only referred to Kate as with gender ambiguous pronouns? Well, that wasn't her fault. If Aubrey had been more perceptive she might have worked it out.
What Aubrey did do was yell. What she did was call her out on the fact they were meant to be close enough to share secrets like these and help each other through them. But she cried too when Chloe broke down, and held her, and stroked her hair until she calmed down, and told her she'd never let her get this hurt again.
Suffice to say, Aubrey's been insanely disapproving of anyone Chloe has ever liked since. Not that she's met many of them, because neither she nor they stay long enough to really do the "meeting the best friend" thing, but she still remembers their names: Andy. Jack. Paolo. And a whole range of girls with dusty blonde hair with mouths that taste like ashtrays that she just ends up crying on until they walk off, disgusted, or awkwardly excuse themselves.
Then there's Tom, of course.
Tom lasts the longest because Tom's easy.
Tom's happy.
Tom smiles like, all the time, and even though his kisses are kind of heavy and he uses too much tongue and his hands gravitate to her ass far too much for her liking, there's no difficulty in being with Tom. She doesn't need to worry about getting a call in the middle of the night that will split her world in two, or being dumped after a whole six months of always being there for him, or anything like that.
It's easy.
It's happy.
It's also immensely boring being with Tom.
Is that selfish of her?
Maybe, but evidently Chloe was never one to take the easy way out.)
Chloe goes home for Spring Break, and finds a distinct lack of sympathetic ears to her situation - even her mother, who has always been very intrigued and interested in Beca when they spoke about her on the phone, is finding it difficult to really understand the issue.
'So let me get this straight,' says her mother slowly, creaming sugar and butter together with one hand and holding the recipe book open at a page she knows off by heart with the other. She likes to be sure she's doing it properly. 'You and Beca aren't talking because she didn't actually kiss some girl, and because she told you she's not good enough for you, you've given up.'
'Mom,' Chloe whines. 'You're missing the point entirely. I haven't given up, I just have no idea what to do. Flour,' she adds, when her mother's head starts to lean towards the book again.
'I'm sorry, sweetheart,' she says, shaking her head and picking up the bag of flour. 'I don't get the issue, here. Why can't you just speak to her? She obviously needs a friend more than anything, and it seems like you were one of the only ones she had.'
Chloe grumbles, more out of an obligation to teenage rebellion against parental advice, but inside she knows her mom is right. She's always right.
(If Beca knew anything about how Chloe felt about her when they first met, she would scoff. 'So cliché,' she'd tell Chloe with a scrunched up nose, 'no one really feels like that in the real world, let alone about me.'
No one except Chloe, because she seems to get every romantic trope in the book upon seeing Beca for the first time. Butterflies in her stomach. The sun hitting Beca's hair just right, casting an ethereal glow on her skin; almost like a halo, Chloe would've described it. She swore she heard angels sing when she looked at Beca.
And okay, maybe the butterflies are nerves from the way Aubrey keeps losing her smile whenever someone walks past their stall without a second thought, and it's a sunny day so pretty much everyone has the sun on their face. And maybe the 'angels' singing are the Treblemakers belting out 'Let It Whip' behind them.
But her breath catching in her chest and her heart rate speeding up? That's all Beca.)
She nearly emails, texts or calls Beca several times, swapping between self-righteous anger at Beca for giving up on them so easily, to breaking down asking for forgiveness for messing up, to a mixture of both.
She sends none of them, except for one her thumb slipped on as she was halfway through deleting it, and of course it's the rambling, nonsensical one she wrote while on the way to being drunk with some of her friends from back home. None of them know about Beca, or even that Chloe is into women, so she couldn't have asked them to stop her.
gry at you sometimes but I know how youre struggling with this whole thing and all I want to do s hold you and kiss you and make everything disappear for you, you dont know how much i love you but i wish you did cuz then you might want me back
? was what she got back from Beca, which is when she realised what she'd sent – she nearly dropped her phone in shock.
Sorry, she texted back frantically, that wasnt meant for you
(As soon as Chloe is told she isn't really allowed to touch Beca, it's like her fingers can't stop twitching when she gets within two feet of her forbidden object. She tries, she really does, but her body seems to have a mind of its own. It's more than a desire to touch or even be physically near to Beca. It's a visceral need to always be in contact with her, like, all the time, to feel the reality of her underneath her fingertips and know she's really there.
She's so perfectly formed; every time Chloe even holds Beca's hand in her own she practically starts hyperventilating. It's the brush of soft skin on her own, the delicate bones and dexterity contained in such small, powerful hands that could give her a solid right hook just as much as they can run gently across her cheek. Chloe's mouth dries up just looking at them, feeling them sliding between her own, imagining them on her skin, tangling in her hair, guiding her lips.
She comes away feeling like she needs a cold shower just breathing the same air as Beca, and comes every other night muttering Beca's name under her breath with the sounds of Titanium blasting in her ears.
Beca cannot know any of this, so she tries her best to keep her hands to herself in case the sheer want she feels shows in the brush of her hands up and down Beca's arms, what's meant to be a comforting gesture.)
Her surgery is booked for the following week.
Chloe considers calling Beca numerous times but every time she's about to her throat starts hurting again, and suddenly she has the perfect excuse not to do it. Even if she's scared out of her mind at the idea of losing any part of her voice. Even if she just wants to break down in tears and beg Beca for forgiveness, because for some reason she craves Beca's touch even miles away; her awkward hands that don't know where to settle on Chloe's body but do their best to reassure her anyway. Beca has no clue how to comfort someone, either with words or physical gestures, but she manages to do it for Chloe anyway.
She doesn't call Beca. What she does do is make a Facebook status about it using a friend group with just Beca in it, so she is the only one who can view it. Maybe it's immature, but Chloe certainly feels pretty young and helpless right now, so she can be excused.
Beca doesn't comment directly, but she does make a status that makes it a little easier for Chloe to sink back into the hospital pillows as she awaits her surgery.
Good luck.
(Chloe's the sort of girl who swoons over Darcy and Elizabeth's relationship, sobs for hours over the Titanic and The Notebook, grumbles at the inevitability of one of the girls dying in lesbian films but still can't take her eyes off the screen. It's love against the odds – who doesn't love that? Aubrey rolls her eyes at her little collection, but she'll still join in and cry along with her.
Yet, Chloe hates Romeo and Juliet (okay, fine, she still loves it, but not as much as some). They're just stupid kids falling in love at first sight, and if they took more than five minutes to actually think about the situation instead of thinking with their crotches the whole thing would have been avoided.
The irony is lost on her.)
She gets the text from Aubrey while recovering from surgery, a whole three days of silence. Chloe plans to send it on to Beca there and then; she even gets so far as typing out the text with a huge grin on her face the entire time.
But at the last moment, she stops, takes a breath and deletes the whole thing.
Would Beca even want to come back, now, after everything? Would Aubrey even let her? Would Chloe even want her to?
There's too many questions, so Chloe just tunes them out and tries to concentrate on the doctor telling her about vocal therapy.
It doesn't work. She has to ask him to repeat something several times using the little whiteboard her dad brought her when she got out of surgery.
(Chloe becomes addicted to peeling away Beca's layers. It's an exhilarating rush that she feels whenever Beca opens up to her just that little bit. Even if it's just to sing with her, even if it's because she's worried Chloe might never leave if she doesn't, she still knows Beca let her in, for just a moment. No one is a good enough actor to fake the way she smiled at Chloe when she heard their harmony, the surprise in her face showing that she hadn't expected it to be that amazing either. It's surprised, but Chloe thinks it's also grateful, like Beca is actually happy she decided to do it.
She wants to keep seeing that smile again and again, to gradually lead Beca out of her comfort zone and show her everything she's missing. She wants Beca to complain about it (it is Beca, after all) but eventually be happy Chloe made her do it, see the surprise but the thankfulness in her eyes.
She wants to be the one Beca finally makes an effort for. Chloe spent six months breaking her back for someone who never appreciated it – it's the least she deserves, says her bitter side.)
It shouldn't surprise Chloe to receive a visit from Jesse, shortly after arriving back at her dorm at Barden, but it does. On first seeing him standing outside her door with his hands jammed in his pockets, an unusually sombre expression on his face, she wants to refuse him entry and tell him to go away. Jesse is Beca's friend, and beyond that he and Chloe have no connection whatsoever, despite being able to get along when Beca is around. She's never spent any length time alone in a room with him, and doesn't want to start.
However, curiosity eventually takes over and she grudgingly allows him in, where he gravitates immediately to Aubrey's bed and makes himself at home.
'I'm guessing this is about Beca,' she says, not wanting to waste time with small talk. If Jesse's come to read her the riot act for some reason, then there's no point in delaying things. She sits down on her own bed, folding her hands primly in her lap with one leg crossed over the other.
'Well, you never know,' he jokes. His voice is light-hearted, but she can see the way he's twisting his fingers together. 'Maybe I came to talk about Aubrey.' Chloe tries to smile slightly but mostly it just comes across as a grimace. Sensing her mood, he becomes serious again and nods. 'Yeah, it's about Beca.'
'Is she alright?' she asks, suddenly feeling worried. Not that she ever really stopped, and she can't really imagine why Jesse would have even bothered coming here if Beca was perfectly fine without her – unless it was to rub it in her face. Somehow, though, she doesn't think that's a likelihood.
Jesse hums thoughtfully for a moment, raising his eyes to the ceiling as though deeply pondering the issue. 'Well, that's an interesting question. What do you think?'
'I'm guessing that's a no…' Chloe mutters.
He shakes his head. 'Actually, she's living, and getting on with her life… And showering,' he adds. 'It was a little touch and go on that subject for a while there. She's doing her school work, she's making mixes – a lot of mixes – and going to the radio station, pretty much every day, whether she's paid or not. Luke's letting her play her stuff on the radio a lot more now.'
'So she's… fine?' This isn't quite what Chloe expected to hear about her, and some absurd way, she's a little… disappointed, in a way. Which isn't to say that that she wants Beca to be unhappy, but she hadn't really expected her not to be.
But Jesse says, 'No, not quite.'
'What do you mean? You just said she was getting on with her life.'
Jesse frowns at her. 'Chloe, what part of what I just said makes you think she's even at all fine? She's doing school work. School work! I actually caught her doing an essay the other day, a whole week before it was due!'
'It's good she's applying herself,' Chloe says, but even she doesn't feel certain in her words. Beca isn't exactly lazy or unwilling to work – her mixes show that – but she's never made it a secret that she was not really here for an education or by choice. It's always been a source of minor jealousy for Chloe, especially since she wasn't required to pay. But without it, she never would've met Beca at all.
Jesse snorts at her words. 'Yeah, right. Let's be real here, Chloe: she's an absolute wreck with you,' he tells her honestly. 'She's gone totally Bella Swan on me.'
'You read Twilight?' says Chloe, unable to hide a slight grin at this revelation.
'I like the movies,' he says, a tad defensively. 'For the music, and stuff.'
'Uh huh, sure.'
'Anyway…' he says hastily, 'yeah, Beca's lost it. She can try and pretend she doesn't need you all she wants, but when I noticed she had a DVD for The Breakfast Club in her room, I knew I had to come talk to you.'
Chloe's mouth drops open. 'She was watching a movie?'
'Apparently. I mean I'm all for her watching them with me, but she never said a word about it so she must've been doing it alone. Which, considering who we're talking about it, is all kinds of wrong.'
'Why has she suddenly taken an interest in movies?'
'Who knows?' Jesse shrugs. 'Personally I think she's using them as a distraction somehow. Or a sleep aid. I guess you can only throw yourself so much into music before you get exhausted.'
'Wow…'
'Yep,' Jesse agrees.
A long, awkward silence follows his little agreement. Chloe doesn't meet his eyes, but she can feel his gaze on her as she pretends to brush off some dust from her skirt. It's an odd feeling, this nervousness, especially when Chloe usually has no trouble talking to anyone – but she gets the feeling that Jesse is just waiting to start yelling at her, and is simply trying to ease her into a false sense of security before he really lets her have it.
When Jesse lets out a little sigh and adjusts the tightness of his shoelaces, Chloe finally can't take it anymore. 'Jesse, what exactly are you hoping to get out of this little meeting? Why did you come here?'
'Well, that's easy,' he comments, pulling at the bow on his shoe. 'I want you to try and talk to Beca again.'
'Is that all?'
'Yeah… As a start. I mean, later on maybe you might want to do other things to her, but for now I'd just stick with talking.' He flashes her a mischievous grin, but Chloe really isn't in the mood.
'Why do you want me to talk to her?
Finally satisfied with his shoelace, he lets his foot drop back to the floor. 'Because that's the only way to have a functioning relationship, and I don't think you and Beca have ever really had a proper conversation about your feelings, like, ever.'
'Thank you for your insights, Dr Phil,' says Chloe dryly. 'I meant, what good do you think it'll do?'
He laughs. 'Hey, you're pretty good at that deadpan stuff too.'
'It's Beca's influence. I swear I got about ten times more sarcastic when I met her.'
'Yeah, me too. It's contagious, isn't it?' Jesse smiles fondly to himself for a moment, before remembering what he came here to do. 'Chloe, I've been there from the very start of this whole thing with Beca. I've watched you both struggle with your feelings and come to terms with them in your own ways. I.e., badly. And do you know what I think?' Chloe shakes her head. 'It's all just incredibly sad.'
'Sad?' Chloe echoes, her brow furrowing. 'What do you mean, sad?'
'Because you both could have something really good here but you're so wrapped up in your own heads that neither of you can do anything.' He folds his arms over your chest. 'Do you have any idea how frustrating it is, watching from the sidelines? I honestly want to bang your heads together sometimes.'
'Must be so hard for you simply watching while we're the ones actually going through it,' she shoots back, not quite sure why she's feeling so acerbic towards Jesse. She knows he is only trying to help, but at the same time, this has nothing to do with him.
'Wow, you really have spent too much time with Beca,' he observes. 'Seriously, though, you two could be great together… Even if it's just as friends. Do you really want to lose that?'
'I don't think Beca even wants me in her life anymore.' She tries a casual shrug, but just ends up twitching her shoulders miserably.
'You seriously believe that?' asks Jesse, sounding incredulous.
'I don't know what to believe, honestly. She said she didn't think she was good enough for me and couldn't do it, but only an hour before she was telling me she was ready to be with me. She said she wanted to be with me, but apparently that's not enough for her.'
'That's Beca, I suppose,' Jesse muses. 'She gets so trapped in her insecurities and not believing she's enough for you that she won't do anything about it.'
'Yeah, and pushes everyone away as a result,' Chloe says bitterly.
'It's not like you stayed, though.'
Chloe's head snaps up. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
'Well… think about it. Beca isn't ready to be in a relationship, so you let her have "space", which was basically you kicking her to the curb because you didn't get what you wanted. Beca starts getting insecure and pushes you away, but you don't even try to maintain your friendship with her.'
'Now wait a moment,' Chloe says angrily, her fists clenching at her sides. 'She told me to -'
'I know what she told you,' Jesse interrupts, suddenly sounding just as angry. 'And if you knew Beca at all, you'd know it was total bullshit!'
'What, so I was supposed to just stick around even though she was telling me to leave?'
'Yes!' Jesse shouts, jumping to his feet. Chloe rears back in shock – Jesse isn't exactly threatening, but when any sort of anger is directed at her it's hard to fight the urge to just curl up in a ball until it stops. It works with Aubrey, but she gets the feeling it won't this time. 'You know how hard she finds all this stuff, and at the hint of trouble she starts running.'
'Oh, like it's not hard for me?' Chloe says, snorting.
'Of course it is. But you barely even fought for her either, just turned your back on her without even a thought about it.'
'And why do I have to be the one to fight for her?' Chloe protests. 'Why do I have to be the one putting in the effort?'
'Because Beca already is.' Jesse puts his fingers to his temple, shaking his head. 'Jesus, you two really do belong together, don't you?' He takes his hands away, regarding Chloe with a serious expression. 'Look. You like being Beca's friend, don't you?'
'Of course I do,' says Chloe immediately. 'More than anything.'
'So how the hell do you think it makes her feel when you abandon her completely after being told she can't deal with a relationship?' At the dawning realisation on Chloe's face, Jesse smiles grimly. 'Exactly.'
'But she must know she means more to me than that,' Chloe splutters in disbelief. 'I don't mind just being friends with her, if that's what she wants.'
'How would you she know, Chloe? Have you told her?' He correctly interprets her averting of the eyes as a sign of guilt. 'Good, now you're getting it. You don't know how much you meant to Beca, and not just for your friendship. It's what you represented to her – feeling like she was normal, for once, because she was getting better with all that touching stuff.'
'Not wanting to be touched doesn't make you abnormal,' Chloe says, frowning.
'We know that, but she doesn't. She's always had trouble with it and held that up as a reason to think she doesn't fit in with other people, so in the end she didn't even bother anymore. Until you. You knocked down all those walls and dragged her out, kicking and screaming... but then you just left her there. And now she doesn't know what to do.'
'How do you know all this stuff?' asks Chloe, feeling a little jealous that he seems to understand Beca so well.
'Most of it, she told me herself.'
'She did?' Chloe says, surprised.
'Yep. Right around the time she kicked me out. Literally.' He sighs remorsefully. 'I was pretty much giving her the talk I'm giving you right now, but I guess I hit some nerves here and there because she got really upset with me. Like, really upset.'
'What did you say to upset her?'
Jesse winces.
'Jesse?'
'I may have told her she needed to sort her shit out and stop pushing people away, before everyone in her life gave up on her, and that it was exhausting trying to get through to her and getting nothing back?'
'You said that to her?!' Chloe exclaims. 'Seriously?!'
'Hey, I'm not proud of it!' he says defensively. 'That's partly why I'm here, you know. To make amends.'
'I think you should be trying to make amends by working things out with her, not me,' Chloe retorts, knowing inwardly she's being a little hypocritical since she's not made much real effort herself to sort things out with Beca. 'What did she even say in response?'
'She told me to fuck off, of course.'
'Rightfully so…'
'Yep.' He runs his hand through his hair, shoulders slumping. 'I messed up, I know. I just got so frustrated with her. I don't even know what sparked it, one moment she was telling me all the stuff I just told you, the next I was yelling at her.'
'Have you apologised?' Chloe asks.
'I've tried, but she always seems to find some way of not being around when I'm there. I haven't had a chance yet.' He groans, putting his face in his hands.
Chloe watches his behaviour, frowning slightly. This is not a normal way to respond to a spat between friends. 'You really care about her, don't you?'
'You don't even know the half of it,' he grumbles.
'Hm.' Chloe eyes him suspiciously, wondering whether to ask. She decides it's too important to simply leave alone. 'Jesse,' she says slowly. 'I might be intruding here, but… Can I ask why you are so intent on getting Beca and I together if you have feelings for Beca?'
From the way he tenses, she knows she's guessed correctly. 'Is it that obvious?' he whispers, shifting uncomfortably.
'Probably not to Beca, if that's what you mean.'
'Good… I don't want her to know. She'd get all weird.'
Chloe nods in agreement, but can't help but remind him, 'You know she's gay, right?'
A mildly irritated flush enters his cheeks. 'I know that,' he snaps. 'I don't like her because I think something's going to happen – nothing will, I've accepted that. It's just… it's Beca, you know? She's like this little broken bird that needs looking after.' He smiles slightly. 'You know those movies where the girl is all damaged and hurt and she won't open up to anyone but eventually the nice guy gets her to and they end up together and kiss in the rain?
'Your life isn't a movie, Jesse,' she tells him shortly.
'I know. And nor is yours.'
Chloe isn't sure what to say to that.
'I just want her to be happy,' he continues sadly. 'And I don't know if that's by being your girlfriend. But I know I've never seen her as happy as she was when she was with you, except for that whole mess at the end. That's why I can't leave this alone, even though it sucks like hell for me.'
'I'm sorry,' Chloe finds herself saying quietly. She isn't really sure why she's really apologising to Beca's best friend who has a crush on her. There would be little hope for them even if Chloe wasn't involved – but she knows the kind of impact tiny, scowly-faced brunettes like Beca has on hearts.
So she apologises, and receives a tiny little smile in return.
'Promise me you'll talk to her?' Jesse asks her earnestly, standing up. 'Or at least try.'
'Who's to say she'll listen even if I do?'
Jesse sighs in exasperation. 'She will. Just open your mouth and say words – words that aren't hurtful, might I add. Don't do what I did.'
'It is that easy?' Chloe wonders.
'No. But if it was then it wouldn't be worth it.'
Chloe arches an eyebrow, fighting a smile. 'Since when did you get this wise about relationships?'
'Seriously, Chloe? This is like every good romcom. Everything could be fixed if the characters sat the hell down with a cup of coffee together and talked it out properly.' He pats her on her shoulder. 'Good talk, Chloe. I think we should've had it a long time ago.'
('You can't make her change, you know,' Aubrey told her once, shortly after the Bellas sleepover - that dismal period where she'd given Beca some "space". 'I know you have this romantic notion in your head that you're going to somehow going to be the one to fix her, but girls like Beca? They stay grumpy and closed off forever. There's nothing you can do about it.'
'I don't need to fix her,' Chloe had explained, absently drawing a tiny heart with the initials "B.M" enclosed inside on the corner of her notes. When she noticed what she'd done, she sighed and scribbled it out. 'She just needs some TLC, that's all.'
'Chloe.' Aubrey put her hand atop Chloe's. 'She's not Kate.'
Chloe had gazed at her for a few moments, then said softly, 'I know.'
She did know. Once upon a time she might have thought Beca was Kate 2.0; they looked completely different but shared the same smirk, charm and the unrelenting habit of breaking down at the slightest breeze of change that blew their way. But Beca smiled at her too, in a way that warmed her heart as well as the pit of her stomach, let Chloe hold her hand even though she clearly struggled with it, shot her concerned glances when her nodes made her throat hoarse and asked if she was okay.
These are things Kate might have done. Things anyone might have done, really.
She's Beca, though, not Kate, not anyone else and somehow that makes all the difference.)
It's fairly late in the evening when Chloe messages Beca, even though she spends most of the afternoon with her phone clutched in her sweaty hand as though its very presence might give her the courage to reach out to Beca.
In the end, it's a message from Jesse himself that triggers her into action – only a simple sentence, but enough to get her going and remind her what she stands to lose if she does nothing.
'Don't forget what I said.'
Which part? Chloe thinks wryly to herself. About the fact he wanted Chloe to talk to her, or his feelings for Beca?
It takes her a while to send, and she fully expects Beca not to reply to her text, which is rather blunt and to the point... Exactly Beca's style. Firstly, we're back in the competition. Secondly, I think we need to talk. Are you free to meet up at some point?
It takes about ten minutes for Beca to reply, every second of which Chloe spends staring anxiously at the display of her phone. When it finally comes, her heart jolts slightly and fumbles with her phone to open up the text.
It's extremely short, very dry, but there's still emotion hidden in the depths of the text's subtext; or at least, Chloe thinks so. At any rate, it's Beca, and Beca can still make Chloe's head reel and her heart pound, make her hands shake with a few words on a screen.
Cool. And, yes... Of course.
A/N: Have to say, writing as Chloe was such a different experience o.O I'm almost sad to go back to Beca's (well, what I decided was Beca's) more minimalistic, introspection-what-the-heck-is-that style next chapter.
Hope it worked for you guys.