:)

Beautiful Music
THAT 70's SHOW
Jennifer Ryan
02/21/07

:)

The Point Demons Guard

I locked myself in the bathroom once I figured out Laurie was home. As a matter of fact, until Forman gets back, I'm taking up residence right fucking here. It won't be easy; Red's been at the door three times and now the queen herself stalks the hallway. When she demands to know how long even I can possibly play with myself, the war is on. I fling open the door and she greets me in her usual manner.

"Hello, orphan. Don't you shine up like a new penny? Picking out a new mommy and daddy today?"

"Hello, whore. Is that your new pimp I saw downstairs?"

I smile, she glares and we stare each other down, hands at our gun belts and on the ready until Red breaks between us. "What the hell were you doing in there for so long?"

"He was playing with himself, daddy."

He looks at me in disgust and calls me a dumb ass, then shuts the door in my face. Dammit, it's been a while since I had a turn being the dumb ass, what with Eric, Kelso and Fez providing constant distraction.

Eric gallops up the stairs and his mother yells behind him to hurry and, mercifully, for Laurie to come down and help. I inform Eric that I was forced to shower without him and that if he cared about building a relationship, he would have been slippery, soapy and naked right beside me. It is at this point Red exits the bathroom and his eyes cross. Crap. He looks angrily at the floor, hands thrust into his pockets, and only when he gets to the top of the stairs does he look back and exclaim, "Jesus Christ."

"So did you and Donna hash things out or what?"

"I think so. She's mad - like, super pissed. Remember when Kelso set off that bottle rocket in her doll house? It's like that, times ... a million."

"So, it's nowhere near as bad as we thought is what you're saying?" He agrees and I shove him in the bathroom as he babbles about whatever; I'm not really listening until he stops short and asks what I've done to my hair.

"It's curlier or something." He reaches out to squeeze a lock and I bat him away. "It's called conditioner, Forman. Try some."

"It looks longer and ... smoother. Holy crap, you didn't use my moms hot rollers, did you?"

"Fuck no, why would you even say something so stupid. Take a shower and I'll get your clothes." Busted. I didn't spend almost two hours alone in that bathroom just playing with myself. I think my hair turned out nice. I pick at it in the mirror over Erics' dresser while I dig for one of his geeky shirts.

I hear the guests arriving and then Kitty's nervous, uncomfortable laughter, which signals the entrance of her hypercritical mother. I lay Eric's stuff in the bathroom and make my way downstairs, anxious to sneak some turkey while everyone is distracted. I am Steven Caine, son of Kwai Chang, the apprentice to Po; my every movement as graceful and stealth as a Shaolin warrior should be. I peel back the foil slowly, revealing barely an inch of my succulent prey, before Marty sneaks up and whispers into my ear, "No fair peeking!"

I startle and chide him for freaking me out, then we do the cool cat hand shake thing that symbolizes we rock. He pinches off a chunk of bird and eats it quickly, in case someone walks in. "You know, Steven, when I was a kid on a top secret mission, I would pretend to be Sky King."

I laugh. "Eric pretends to be Spiderman."

"Still?" he laments. "G-d, how pathetic."

How can I not smile at that, the awful and hilarious truth. "You've got his number."

"Please tell me he's still nuts about Star Wars crap. I got him an AM radio that looks like the little white and blue robot."

"He'll flip. I guarantee it." I pull off a chunk of turkey for myself and replace the foil quickly before someone can bust us. Red comes through the door and spots Marty, which causes him to grumble and look at the floor. They share an awkward and lightening quick guy hug, the kind that says I'm only doing this because society demands it. Marty asks Red about the muffler shop and I take my leave, anxious to know what Kitty is so excited about. Her laughter and anxious chattering are so incessant and unnerving that I'm beginning to worry that something is wrong with her. She's often said her mother will be the death of her and now I'm starting to wonder. Man, I hope the booze is locked up tight. All this crazy family stress demands a circle.

A Gathering of Angels

Kelso falls to his knees and screams the lyrics with such foolish abandon it makes me laugh out loud. "They say ... the sea ... turns so dark that you know it's time ... you see the sign. Take it, Fez!"

"They say ... the point ... demons guard is ... an ocean grave for all the brave. Go, Leo!"

"They say they need sailing men to show the way and leave today."

We boo in unison and I give him the hardest time possible. "Way to screw up the song for everybody, Leo."

"That's the wrong part, Leo."

"I'm never going to like that song again now that you ruined it for me, Leo." Fez whines then takes a long drag from the pipe we're passing. "But, as a token gesture of friendship, I shall partake of this holiday weed."

Leo shakes his head in disbelief at his own stupidity. "You're like the best friends a guy could ever have."

The volume of the radio drops and I turn to see Eric behind me. "My dad sent me down with a message. Something about hop heads, devil music and his foot in your asses." He buries both hands in my hair and plumps the curls. "So, how do you guys like Hyde's new style? He used my moms hot rollers."

A chorus of "oooohs" and "aaaahs" surround me, but I'm too high to care. Kelso swears he knew it looked shinier and Fez gives it the thumbs up. Leo tells me I always have the best ideas, and dammit, he's right. "You know, if anyone asks where we are, don't tell them it's a basement, man. Tell them it's a Global Command Center." Eric perks immediately; I knew he'd like it. All those times Laurie and Red told us to quit hanging around the basement like losers - not losers, not a basement. It's a Global Command Center.

Kelso catches on to the possibilities this creates and demands to be made a super villain. "I could be ... Dr. Destructo." Fez asks why not Dr. Doobie and Kelsos excitement doubles.

"Because morons, the base ... Global Command Center is already under attack by the vindictive populace of jilted ex-girlfriend world." Leo blows a giant smoke ring in my face and I cough, then concentrate on the serious issue before the council. "I'm talking about women who are super pissed and they're armed. Armed with the crying thing and boobs and the whole bringing up everything you've ever done wrong in your life."

"Whoa," Kelso bounces in playful amazement, "are you telling me that Jackie and Donna are back!"

I see Eric's hand waving, trying to cut through the smoke, then stopping to make some animal shapes. He settles on a doggie that barks at me then bites my nose. I'd smack him, but I have to grab my nose to make sure it's all right. It feels so weird all I can do it squeeze it and try to mold it into another shape. Kelso asks to pet the dog and Eric let's him, babbling on about being totally, completely, really relaxed. "And they were here this morning, and they were mad. And Hyde's right - they had their boobs with them and - I just feel so ... nice."

"You heard that, Fez, they're here - with boobs. Laurie's home and now Jackie and Donna are back; it's a total boob smorgasbord."

Fez pulls up his bottom lip as far as her can then twists it in every possible direction. "I love this country and all the boobs and the women. And I love you, Steven Hyde and Eric Forman, because the women you have deserted are among the most desirable."

Eric takes offense and yelps that we didn't desert anybody. Fez counters that we stomped on their hearts, broke them into pieces, glued them back together and then broken them again. Well, as long as no one is being overly dramatic. Marty yells for us from the top of the stairs; it's turkey time. I could really go for some turkey right now, too. I kind of have the munchies.

We march to the dinning room single file, trying hard not to act stoned. I'm surprised to hear Bob's voice and shocked to see Jackie sitting at the table, looking down at her empty plate like she doesn't know what to say or do. Kelso and Fez sit on each side of her, engaging her in one of their pointless, idiotic conversations and she perks up immediately.

Kitty's parents sit across from her and Laurie and her "special friend" sit next to them. I can't decide who in this house I'd rather be farther from; that's the big problem. If I get too close to Red he'll ride me with his ever increasing inventory of insults, each an aggravating yet creative variation of "dumb ass". Kitty will try to cut my food, Laurie will hit me up with the orphan shit and Jackie will glare accusingly. I pull out a chair for Eric then I take the spot between he and grandma, figuring old lady cologne and powder is the best bet for getting through the next few hours. When she asks who I am again, I proudly state, a little loudly in case she's hard of hearing, but mainly just to be an jerk, "I'm dating your grandson."

Eric chuckles his little I'm stoned and diggin' it kind of laugh and I can't help but paste on my evil grin. The one that says, oh yeah, we're doing exactly what you think we are.

Much to my thrill, Laurie heard me and looks not quite angry, but disbelieving, like I just messed something up for her. I can't image what. Every time she comes home she asks for money and surely my nailing her brother won't interfere with that. I can see the wheels turning. She's trying to figure if Red knows and work out how she can use this to her advantage. It's funny to watch because I'm certain she doesn't know what to say. Even poor grandma is a little stuck and she just huffs and says, "Well!" as if I've done something undignified. Oh wait, I have, haven't I? Heh heh heh.

Red places the turkey on the table and uncle Marty winks at Eric and I, which further incites the queen whore who yells across the room, "Daddy, Eric and Hyde are perverts!" to which Red replies with sly disregard, "I know honey. Just pretend you don't notice and maybe they'll get bored with it."

Grandma leans forward and says she's never eaten dinner with a queer before, a comment which makes Marty smile and answer, "Maybe you have, but weren't aware of it."

"We have never had a queer person on our side of the family," grandma adds. "It must come from your side, Red."

He replies by driving the carving knife into the middle of the turkey with murderous force, then smiles and blusters, "Get the hell in here, Bob! I'm ready to get this holiday crap over with." Jackie's eyes grow wide, she hasn't had the privilege of seeing Red pissed like this. I've been living with it every day for months and it doesn't faze me the slightest bit, because I can see the conflict within him. Red doesn't know whether to be angry at grandma or join in with the ribbing. He wants to make a really killer fag joke, but doesn't quite know how. The thing is Red loves Eric way more than he will ever admit; adores his smart mouth, polo jerseys and all the cute little kid crap he does. It's something that's been terribly obvious to me since the day I came into this family; Laurie is Red's little girl, but Eric is his princess. And grandma's not wrong. It does seem to fall from his side of the tree.

Our eclectic little group joins hands to pray and gramma strikes again and gestures to Leo, "Who is the dirty hippie?"

I tell her he's my father, and that's enough to silence her. Kelso laughs softly, something I've come to recognize as the universal signal that he's farted. No one but Fez seems to notice or care so I close my eyes and try to concentrate on what I'm thankful for. My family. Eric. Eric's mom and dad. Leo, my confidante since childhood and the first person I met in Point Place who wasn't banging my mother. Edna, wherever she is, I hope she's found the happiness that's eluded her all her life. Bud, what can I say; the dick is my father, so here's hoping he's not dead in a ditch somewhere.

I squeeze Eric's hand and he presses back. I raise my eyes to look at him and he's already looking at me. The two of us are a family and now, finally, I have someone to take care of and someone to care about me. I'll never be alone again, deep in my soul I'm sure of it. I don't hear the front door slam behind me until Donna hollers,"AMEN!"

She's standing behind us with a bottle of alcohol in her hand and from the blush of her cheeks and the muss of her hair, it's obvious she's knee walking drunk. "Hail, hail, the gangs all here!" She stumbles and laughs, and really it would be quite sad if it weren't so pathetic. I'm all for tying one on and making an ass out of myself, it's an entertaining way to pass a boring weekend, but Donna's done this before.

I don't even want to think the A-word in relation to her, but if I'm honest with myself ... it's a slow and pointless slide she's descending. Bob, Red and I stand at the same time, none of us exactly sure what to do. Donna walks over to Eric and throws her arms around him, squeezing him tightly and about to fall over. He guides her to his lap, places a gentle hand on her cheek and says hi. She grins shyly and says it back, her almost empty bottle of I don't want to know what hitting the floor.

Kelso asks if Donna wants to sit on his lap, too, so Red smacks him upside the back of the head. Donna laughs and smiles, and damn, she's in trouble if she's not pissed at Kelso. "I'm sailing away, Eric." She says it so quietly and so sadly that it's clear she really believes it. She doesn't even realize she's cried so long that she's rubbed off all her makeup; the heavy makeup I thought was tacky but now see was covering a black eye. Her father notices, too; everyone does, and Jackie looks so guilty, like a naughty little girl keeping a secret. Eric wraps his arms around Donna and she buries her head on his shoulder and cries, singing faintly, "I've got be free."

Grandma, the mistress of tact, asks obtrusively and unabashed, "So he left her for him?"

Not one to be outshone, Laurie stands and yanks Jerry, or is it Larry, out of his chair as she announces defiantly, "I'm pregnant!"

That comment sobers us all, and good. For a brief second it looks like Red's heart is breaking, but he covers for it quickly and smiles. "Of course you are, honey. He throws down his napkin and stands, not angry, not hurt, not readable at all. He walks calmly to the kitchen and I hear him pop the top off a beer. Eric hugs a softly sniffling Donna tighter, his disappointment heartbreakingly evident. Kitty is on automatic pilot, giggling a bit nervously as she stands up and dips a giant scoop of mashed potatoes for everyone. Laurie seems vaguely disappointed that nobody dropped dead over her news and the rest of us look as uncomfortable as we are. I mean, the whore could have let us eat first.

Point of No Return

The Toyota is fueled up and the guys pile in the back while Eric runs back in the house for one more nervous pee. Chicago is a long drive, even on deserted holiday roads, and I don't plan to break for anything until we hit Janesville. Eric dives into the passenger seat with a giant bag of pretzels, which I quickly confiscate. "Is this some kind of joke, Forman. Salty pretzels will make you drink and if you drink anything I'll have to stop every five blocks so you can piss."

"I can't help it, when I'm nervous I've got to go - a lot."

I throw the bag into the back and Fez and Kelso rip into it quickly. Before I can take off, the back door opens and Jackie jumps in. Great. I should have been out of this driveway three bathroom breaks ago. I nail her through the rear view mirror and tell her to get out of the car.

"No, Steven, I'm going, too. And if you don't like it," she challenges, "tough."

Kelso laughs at the burn and asks if I'm going to let her talk to me like that. I assure him I'm not and point out, in a very forceful tone, that we're not going to the mall.

"I'm going, Steven. You might as well just drive the damn car before somebody else tries to get in - like Bob."

Crap. We're not even to the interstate before her reflection is glaring at me, begging for acknowledgment and even confrontation. "Don't do it, Jackie. We had this conversation six months ago. You don't have any right to be mad at me or expect anything of me or ... or ... anything. So just don't."

She eyes me without flinching and says calmly that she didn't say a word and that I'm paranoid. Looking proud, Kelso puts his arm around her and tells me to lay off his woman. "That's right, Hyde. Jackie and I are back together."

"Ewwwww." She pushes away his arm like it's venomous and grabs the pretzel bag from his lap.

"Jackie, G-d!" He rolls his eyes. "I'm going to the Arther Grant School of Bartending. I'm finally getting my act together. I can support you and look damn good doing it."

She looks at him as if she's even more disgusted, something I didn't realize was possible. "Is that the same place that teaches casino sciences and advertises in the classifieds?"

He nods in self-congratulations and confirms her suspicions. "I know what you're thinking, Jackie, but they don't take just anybody. You gotta have $104 up front just to start."

They keep each other busy with their self-absorbed squabbling and poor Fez nods off to sleep. Just when I'm certain their incessant yapping is about to hypnotize me, Eric puts his hand on my knee. I smile lovingly and then he tells me, "I've got to go bad."

Crap. We're thirty-four minutes into our trip. I pull over next to a field and let him go whiz in the corn. Kelso leans into the front seat so he can tell me in my ear that I'm pistol whipped. I swat him in the nose and he backs off, but I decide that's not good enough, so I lean over the seat to frog the hell out of him. When Jackie and I were going out he never missed a chance to tell me I was pussey whipped, and I was, the fact is not lost on me.

But Kelso being right never fails to enrage me, so I lay into him good. He struggles and pleads but I'm long passed the point of no return. I've had it, had it with this whole screwed up day and with grandmas, sisters and ex-girlfriends. I smack him some more to make up for the fact that Laurie's knocked up and Eric was a hairs' breath from the sweet freedom I've been busting my ass to provide. I give him a purple nerple because Laurie breezed through and took away everything and because she thoughoully enjoyed doing it. And since he was stupid enough to screw her, I figure he deserves a couple of sores not caused by her venereal disease. Once I cut him a break and sit back to catch my breath, he inches closer to apologize and nerples me back. Dammit.

He jumps out of the car and runs to the field, seeking protection from Eric, no doubt. I roll down the window and smoke one as I watch the idiots try to pee down the cornstalks. I flip on the radio and Jackie is watching me again.

"Say it Jackie, it's just you and me and Fez now."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know, I want to get married in a pink princess costume and ride on a pegasus, Steven. I want our babies to be named Byron and Shelley."

"I never once said that," she flares with indignation.

I pitch my cigarette out the window and tell her she was thinking it. She rolls her eyes at me and I turn up the radio. She loves this song, I love this song, it's a completely loveable tune, so maybe hearing it will cool her off. I look out the window and sing to the cornfield "I woke up this morning and the sun was gone. I turned on some music to start my day."

She smiles and sings the rest along with me. "I lost myself in a familiar song. I closed my eyes and I slipped away."

Eric and Kelso come back and it looks like maybe young Kelso got another frogging at the hands of my scrawny baby. "Man, you guys are all having a really bad day! I thought gay people were nonviolent."

"No, dumb ass, Indians are nonviolent. Gay people are crazy." Then I tell him I'm a little bit sorry, but not sorry all the way, and he reciprocates with the happy, stupid grin that says it's over and forgotten.

Fez snores softly and the four of us sing, "I dream of a girl I used to know. I closed my eyes and she slipped away."

One by one, they succumb to boredome induced slumber, leaving Eric and I to pilot. Now that he and I are alone, I ask if he's going to be alright and quiz him about Laurie. We agree the thought of Laurie as anyone's mother is a truly frightening prospect, but what can we do. At least the baby will have stellar grandparents and uncles to safeguard her ... or him.

We're both a little surprised she didn't have an abortion. That probably sounds hateful but the fact is when Jeanie Wilder - her best friend throughout most of high school - ended up pregnant, Laurie tried to help her get rid of it with mega doses of somebody else's birth control pills and a bottle of brandy, a stunt which landed Jeanie in the emergency room. Eventually, Laurie and her drunkard friends had a mock baby shower and they gave the girl a wire coat hanger as a present. She's never missed a chance to laugh about how much having kids would suck and how Jeanie's life was over. I never hated Laurie so much as I did then and I wondered if Edna and her friends had the same conversation about me. I never found out how things turned out for Jeanie's poor baby, either, or if he was ever even born.

Eric nods off next and I try to focus on something less depressing, like the reason for our trip. I watch the stars scattered across the Heavens, as if they are a trail of bread crumbs leading to our destination. The same stars Donna watched as Jackie and Bob rocked her to sleep will be the same ones that mutherfucker Todd sees when my fist collides with his face.

:)

To be continued

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For those illegally downloading the soundtrack

* More Than A Feeling by Boston
* Point of Know Return by Kansas
* Come Sail Away by Styx