Book Three: Release
Release- v. To free from something that binds, fastens, or holds back; let go
Man, this is stupid. I said, leaning against the roof of the house, hoping I couldn't be seen through the window. I felt really awkward and was starting to have second thoughts. No, I thought, I have to do this! I sighed and arched around.
Tick! Tick! Tick!
I saw the back of Shakino's head jolt up. She had papers all over her desk. I guess she had fallen asleep while trying to do her write-up. When she saw me crouching outside her window, those tired eyes were soon replaced with excitement.
"ISA-KUN!" She shouted, darting to the window.
I held my finger to my lips, "SHHH! If your dad sees me here, he'll kill me!"
"Dad doesn't dislike you that much, Isa-kun," she smiled dreamily.
I raised an eyebrow. Mr. Nara really didn't like me. He was always saying that I was too much like Sasuke. I guess he didn't take a liking to good ol' daddy. Maybe it was because his wife used to have a thing for my father. Then again, he apparently used to have a thing for my mother. Drama, drama, drama.
"Well, he'll just have to get over it then," she sighed, waving a hand in the air. "So, what are you doing here? ARE YOU HERE TO PLEDGE YOUR HIDDEN LOVE TO ME? Ooh this is so romantic! It's like Romeo and Juliet."
"Uh…no. I need your help."
"Oh," she said, her lovey-dovey look fading into a serious look of dread. "Well, what's wrong?"
"Can you come out here? I feel weird talking on your windowsill."
"Oh, right!" I stepped aside and she hurdled out the window. "Now would you mind telling me what this is all about?"
So I told her. I told her the kind of things that had been happening to me. I told her my thoughts, my worries, how my parents were fighting now more than ever. I told her almost everything. I don't know why I felt I had to tell her so badly. I trusted her for some reason. Even though she was the "leader" of my fan girl pack, she was extremely rational. She was smart and knew more than anyone else I'd ever met. She knew how to get into people's heads, and that wasn't just because she was a mind reader.
"Oh Isamashii, you... I…I had no idea…" She said quietly after I had finished. "But what exactly do you want me for? I'm not exactly sure what I can do…"
"You're smart. You've read books, seen TV shows of these kinds of things. I figured you might know what I should do," I said, hopeful.
"I'm flattered, really. I know some things. I don't know how much it'll help, but hopefully it'll assist you in some way."
She then spent the next hour or more teaching me. She spoke about the importance of communication and how unhealthy it is to hold things in. It appears that I am one unhealthy lad. She talked and talked and talked. She was like Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil combined! But for once, I listened. Intently, at that! It was different than how it normally was, her rambling and me ignoring. This was important information that needed to be taken to heart.
"Isa," she said. Her voice lowered in earnestness, "you need to fix this. I know that you can. You've spent too much of your life just dealing with this. If you don't start something now…who knows what'll happen to you…"
"I know," I said shortly. I scratched the back of my head. There was something else I had been wondering. "Do you…um…"
"What else?"
"Do you know what my father thinks about me?" I sounded like some little kid wondering what he was getting for Christmas. It made me feel stupid.
She frowned and looked away. "I…I haven't really read his mind much. I try to stay out of adult's heads…It's bad road," she joked. "But I honestly don't know what he thinks of you. The only time I ever read his mind, he only thought in chopped words and fragments. 'Regret. Never again. Doesn't deserve this. Not like me.' Would any of that involve you? Does any of that sound familiar?"
"Not really…I wouldn't know…" I murmured. I stood up and dusted off my pants. "Well, I guess that's it then. Thank you, Shakino."
She blushed. "Of course. Good luck, Isamashii." With that, she started walking over to her window.
Aw, man!
What was with this stupid conscience I grew over the past month? She did a great deal for me, and there was no way I would ever be able to thank her. Well, I know ONE way I could try to repay her. Gosh, this sucks…
"Hey Shakino!"
She looked over at me, "Huh?"
"If, uh…" I scratched my head, embarrassed again, "if this whole thing turns out all right…maybe, we could go get a bite to eat or catch a flick or something? Ya know, a way to say 'thanks.' Would you like that?"
Her blank stare confused me. Then suddenly-
"AHHHHHHHHHHH! OH ISA-KUN, THAT'D BE WONDERFUL!"
She began leaping around the roof. She was going to wake up her parents!
"Shakino! I don't mean in a romantic way or anything. It's just to pay you back."
She stopped, "Oh I know that. But this way, I'm one step ahead of all the other girls."
"How do you suppose that?"
"You never asked any of them on a date, have you?"
"Point taken," I admitted. I didn't like it when she proved me wrong. She did that a lot. I waved goodbye and headed home. I had a mission. It would be long and hard, but it needed to be done.
It was a quiet afternoon in my house. Fox Sensei had sent us home early due to good progress. It was one of those rare, nice days. A day where we did exactly what we were supposed to, a day I was staying in my house for more than 10 minutes, a day where both of my parents were in the same room and not arguing. Father was reading the paper and Mother was reading a book. For stubborn pain in the butts, they sure were calm when they read. That left me, awkwardly sitting on the living room floor, doing nothing in particular but eating an apple.
This was a good time to initiate step one.
I cleared my throat loudly.
"We should eat dinner together. You know, like at the table?" I spat out the words quickly, not making eye contact.
As soon as I finished, I shoved the apple into my mouth, as if I hadn't said anything.
Both my parents looked up from their reading to stare at me. This was one of the first times I said anything without being spoken to first. They looked at each other. My father grunted.
"I…I guess we could…" my mother answered still dumbfounded.
"Mm," I mumbled indifferently through the apple, trying to conceal the intense amount of joy surging through my body. Step one was complete. Now I would have to do the hardest parts.
I've been putting this off for too long…I really need to do this, I thought, sitting at the dinner table for the 2nd night in a row (a record in my household)
Avoiding it wasn't helping any. I needed to tell my parents the truth. I opened my mouth, but instead of words coming out, I shoved some food into it. Mother and Father were talking about something. I wasn't sure what it was.
I was too queasy to keep my thoughts straight. Then it happened, again.
"You didn't pay the bills this month."
"What are you talking about?" Father grumbled.
"I said-"
"I know what you said. It was your turn to pay the bills."
"NO IT WASN'T! Gosh, is your memory that bad that you can't even remember your job?"
"DON'T QUESTION ME! IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, THERE WOULD BE NO MONEY! AND THEN YOU COULDN'T BUY ALL YOUR PRECIOUS KNICKNACKS AND DRESSES! YOU SHOULD BE INDEBTED TO ME!"
This remark was the launch of a long slur of profanities from either side. Instead of speaking up, like I'd been meaning to do, I did what I always did: slunk down in my chair and kept my mouth shut.
Now's your chance! Say something!
They won't listen. Keep your mouth shut!
They might listen. You'll never know if you don't try. You've never even tried to talk to them about this before.
Do you really wanna be dragged into this? No, you don't. Shut it all out. It'll get better this way.
You're making yourself sick! If you continue shutting yourself out, you'll eventually tear yourself apart.
Don't breathe, don't speak, don't say a word.
But-
Don't breathe, don't speak, don't say a word.
Don't breathe, don't speak, don't say a word.
Don't breathe, don't speak, don't say a word.
Now they were standing up, out of their chairs. Strong words were used. They weren't yelling. They were screaming. Fists were slammed into the table. Dinner plates fell to the ground.
This whole time I was quivering. I could feel myself being dragged into that dark place again. My hideaway. My place of solitude. I clenched onto my chest. My heart was being hacked apart. I bit my tongue as my eyes began watering. No. I wasn't going to take this anymore…
"SHHHHUUUUTTTTTT UUUUPPPPPP!"
Both of my parents looked at me in alarm. Now I was the one standing, my chest heaving as tears poured from my face.
"What is WRONG WITH YOU?! Have you no concern of what's happening to us?! DON'T YOU CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME?!" I yelled. "NO! WHAT AM I THINKING? VIOLENCE IS THE ONLY WAY YOU GUYS WILL LISTEN!" I used all the strength I had and shoved my father. Al though he was much stronger than me, he was pushed back some.
Then I pushed over the chair that was next to my mother. Both of them were dead silent. I never EVER acted this way. Certainly never to them.
"If you wanna fight someone, FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME! YOU'RE ALREADY KILLING ME ANYWAY! I'D RATHER DIE BY YOUR HANDS THEN YOUR WORDS!"
"I-Isa-" Mother started.
"NO! For once, YOU'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME! I have something to say!" I growled. "Do you guys even realize what's happened to us? I can't stand being around you! All you do is argue! I can't take it anymore! I've grown so much hatred from you. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS! I'm so used to shutting everybody out, just like you! I haven't said anything for so long. DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE DIED FROM THAT?! I could die because of YOUR stupidity!
"And you," I turned to Mother, "when Father isn't around, you take it out on me! WHAT DID I EVER DO?! NOTHING! I've always listened to what you had to say; I've tried to help you too! And you just shove it all back in my face!"
I faced my father. The man who scared me so. The man I never wanted to look weak in front of, and here I was, sobbing and crying. Yet, I had never felt so strong. All of my emotions had swelled throughout my body, giving me colossal strength.
"You…" I had to gasp for breath, "I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! All my life people have told me I'm just like you. But they know more about you than I do! How am I supposed to know who I am when I don't even know who my own father is?!"
His eyes widened. Did he even know?
"All my life…THE ONLY THING I WANTED WAS TO MAKE YOU PROUD! I WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME! I wanted you to love me for who I was. That's why I worked so hard. That's why I strived so hard! EVERY DAY! Every day I prayed 'Dear God, please let my father notice me! Let him see that I exist!' But it never happened. GOD SHUNNED ME TOO! JUST LIKE YOU DID!" I stopped for I couldn't speak through the sobs. My throat was thick with saliva and I couldn't see through the tears.
"I…" I said quietly, my eyes closed, "I've always wanted to hate the both of you. You didn't deserve my attention. But I couldn't. I love you. And I'll never stop loving you. I just wish…I just wish you did…I-I-"
My sentence was stopped short as smooth, warm fabric smothered my face. Strong, burly arms wrapped around me and my eyes popped open in shock. I looked up to see the face of a broken man, his raven eyes glistening with pouring tears. He smiled at me.
"Son…I've always loved you," he wept some more. "…And today, you have made me the proudest man alive…"
I couldn't say anything. I just stared in disbelief. Then I surrendered. I threw my arms around him and nuzzled my face into his chest. He held me tighter. Then I felt a woman's arms wrapping around me as well. She kissed my head and leaned her head against my father's arm. I could feel both of their bodies convulsing against mine.
"Forgive me, my Isa…"
And I bawled.
I bawled for all of the years of pain. For every time I lost a game. For every time I fell and scraped my knee. For every time I spent the day alone in my room. I let everything go. And al though I was crying, I had never felt so relieved and happy. This ache that had been building up for so long was gone. And for the first time, my parents were thinking of me, cradling me like the broken little boy I was…