"Well," said Archie, looking at the ceiling. He hemmed and hawed a bit, looking everywhere but at Gold's knee. Gold's face very slowly formed into a dark glare. "Um," said Archie, "you ... you wanted to know why we're swimming today?"
It's not that ugly, Gold thought resentfully, flexing his right leg and looking at the knee.
"Well," said Archie, "I mean, I'm not swimming. You are. But there's a reason for it."
It's actually kind of interesting-looking, thought Gold. He scowled at the knee. The caved-in section kind of looks like Margaret Thatcher.
"It's because I was thinking," said Archie, "you're just so private. And water is very ... you know, free."
And the green bits look like grassy knolls.
"So we get you in the water, swimming ... uhh ... you lose your inhibitions—"
"So it's a plot to get me into bed?" Gold snapped. Archie's face went slack.
"Huh?"
"Nothing. Never mind."
"OK."
Archie slumped a little in the awkward pause that followed, eyes drifting toward Gold's leg.
"Eyes above the belt, Soldier."
"Right! Well, I guess you can just get in the pool then ..."
Gold looked down at the pool, searching for a staircase. His eyes fell on two plastic ladders, each one appearing to be suspended by nothing more than its own ability to float. He looked at Archie.
"I have water wings, if you want," Archie said, holding up a plastic bag.
Gold stared at it, looking sick. "... No."
"OK, then."
With a faint shake of his head, Gold turned back to the pool. He stepped toward the edge. He gazed down into the deep – fifteen feet of water. He nudged the ladder with his foot.
It fell off.
"SHIT!"
"Oh hell!"
"Archie –"
"What did you DO?"
Flopping onto his belly, Gold stretched his arm as far as it would go and waved it at the ladder. Across the room, Archie stood with his fingers twisted into his hair, his face the picture of anxiety.
"Shit," Gold said again. He reached out further, face planted in the concrete. The tips of his fingers hit the ladder and sent it bobbing away. "Oh SHIT!"
"Calm down," said Archie. He wrung his hands. "It's just a ladder. It's nothing expensive. Just calm down."
"Says the man developing a new nervous tic," Gold snapped. He leaned dangerously to the left, wiggling as he tried to stand up without his cane. "Would you stop eating your eyebrow hair?"
"Just calm down. Calm down. Calm—"
Gold swung out his right leg, trying to get leverage. He tipped a little, one hand flying out to balance him on the left side. It landed just shy of the concrete – in the water.
"SHI—" Gold began, and ended with a splash.
"...Gold?" said Archie. The pool was calm and undisturbed. He edged toward it, peering over the side. "Uh, Mr. Gold?"
From the depths of the pool, there was no response. Somewhere in the high school, a bell rang – as the students poured into the halls, Archie stared more and more frantically out at the chlorine-green water.
"MR. GOLD?" he screamed. There was no response.
With a wary glance behind him, Archie started removing the heavier layers of his clothing.
He stripped down and jumped in.
"I was trying to kill myself, thank you," Gold sniped as they rested by the edge of the pool. Archie had flung his torso up onto the concrete, his legs floating in the water. Gold was leaning on his elbows, hair and face wet, unimpressed.
"And I –" Archie gasped, panting between each word. "—was trying – huh – to save you!"
"You had an asthma attack in the middle of it. As heroics go, it wasn't stellar."
Groaning, Archie laid his face against his arms.
"Thank you, Gold," Gold said. Archie continued catching his breath for a few moments.
"Huh – huh – what?"
"I said, thank you, Gold. You know, like you should be saying. To me."
"What?"
"Because I saved your life," said Gold quite smugly. Archie didn't answer. "And, I lugged your pasty, overweight body all the way to the surface, even though you are wearing my speedo, and I was incredibly uncomfortable the whole way."
"Oh, shut up," Archie snapped.
"It was homoerotic and weird. You didn't have to change into the speedo before you jumped in. You could've just ... you know ... jumped in."
"I would've been naked then," Archie said, voice muffled against his clothes. "I went commando today. Be grateful for what you have."
"Sure."
Archie panted, each breath coming a little bit slower now as his lungs were gaining control. Gold stared around the room, just waiting.
"OK," said Archie when his breathing had mostly evened out. He wiped his face. "I think I'm okay now. Thanks for staying with me – it was really considerate of you."
"No problem," Gold said. "You're my staircase up."
Archie stared at him, uncomprehending. Before the taller man could move, Gold dunked him underwater, used him as a shove-off point, and launched himself out of the pool back onto solid ground. He walked away, shaking water off him, back to his clothes. After a while, he heard splashing and coughing noises as Archie re-emerged and climbed out on his own.
Wheezing, Archie collapsed on the concrete by the pool. He looked up, vision blurry from the chlorine, and saw Gold was already fully dressed, twirling his cane by the door with the plastic bag from Wal-Mart hanging on his arm. Looking slightly to the right, Archie saw his own clothes where he had left them, but now in a puddle of water.
"Ah, yes," said Gold, following his eyes. "Sorry about that. You didn't bring any towels."
Archie stared at him. Gold stared back. He looked down into the plastic bag.
"Water wings?" he asked.