A/N: I be trashman, littering teh Interwebz with my Wordpad-trash.
This episode brought to you by Johnson & Johnson: No More Tears.
From the Desk of Archibald Hopper:
Patient: Mr. Gold
Session Nine Notes
Before the Session:
My plan for tomorrow is to tackle issues of intimacy with Gold. I think he has sort of deep-rooted difficulties with this, considering as he has no family members, no friends, and no girlfriends (or boyfriends? Still a question ...). Therefore I am going ahead with the Yaxley Treatment.
Step One: Share a secret.
I don't plan on going too far with this one; I believe I'll have him talk about his bad leg. It's not too personal so it'll be an easy start. Sort of like an icebreaker. I'll be all like, "Hey Mr. Gold, show me ur leg," and he'll be like, "Yah bro, no probz," and then he'll show me it.
...It isn't sexual.
Step Two: Delve into further secrets
With the not-at-all invasive icebreaker I have planned, we should be able to discuss pretty much everything else. I plan on asking him about his family. I think he was probably kept in a closet without any food or light for most of his childhood or something; it would explain why he's so snappish Monday mornings.
Step Three: Discuss the closet where he was kept as a child and/or still lives in now
Isn't it weird that Yaxley makes provisions for this?
Step Four: Breakthrough
It is at this point that the patient should break down in tears, see the light, and hail me as his savior for the rest of eternity (according to Yaxley). Mr. Gold is kind of tough, so I think he'll hold out longer than most patients. I give him five minutes from the moment I start repeating, "It's not your fault."
"No, Mr. Gold. It's not your fault."
"It's not your fault."
...
I am a therapeutic genius.
After the Sheshion:
And a few drinksh at Granny'sh:
Gosh I'm drunk:
Well Yaxshley ish a fuckin twat.
Twatface.
Twaaaaaaaat.
Ugh.
Goodnight, notesh.