xYuzuruRengex – First, see what happens when you challenge me? O ^ O Second, I can promise you there is no AXC. :3 As long as all goes well, I look forward to continuing this story through Seed, then Destiny.

"Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water."

Antoine Rivarol

ENTRY SEVENTEEN: TEARS

Emptyness.

She could feel the tears that fell down her cheeks, but she couldn't remember why she was crying. Voices called to her, yet she couldn't recognize them or make out the words. Everything about her felt wrong, as if her whole being was numb.

Mai could make out a shape of a person, could feel them trying to pull her away. No matter how hard they tried, she wouldn't move. She refused to let go of her seat.

Someone was clinging to her, crying with her. She could feel the warmth, recognize the voice calling to her, but she couldn't move.

She couldn't even feel any pain.

"You have to hurry up!" Mu La Flaga yelled at the exhausted mechanics, trying to force them to finish his repairs. "Come on you guys! I'm begging you!"

"Commander!" Mu turned to watch his Captain run up to him. "I cannot allow you to take off! Please give the mechanics the chance to rest!"

He turned back to his Skygrasper, working on the repairs himself. "Have we received any word from ORB yet?"

"No, but…"

"And the ship's out of danger now. So what's the problem?"

"No!" Marrue shook her head, both frustrated and scared. She knew and understood why he wished to go, but the ship needed him. "I will not allow it!"

Mu looked back to her, his voice full with his own concern. "But what if those guys were somehow able to make it out in time?"

She lowered her head, averting her gaze. "Yes, I know… If I could, I would be the first to volunteer! To fly over there and try to save them! Right now, that's impossible! We need both you and Mai –"

"You didn't see her face!" Mu recalled when he had tried to pull the girl out of the Ecran's cockpit. Her eyes reminded him of the dead. "She needs him! With all of this death, I need to give her something to hold onto!"

"And if you didn't come back, and we lost you as well -! I don't-!" He watched as the tears fell from her eyes while she spoke. She was the captain, yet she was also human. Mu knew there was a part of her that felt just as responsible for the children as he did. Marrue took a breath, before meeting his eyes again. "Have faith in ORB. Pray for Kira and Tolle, help that girl get through this, and stay here."

He surrendered to the pain on her face, resting an arm on her shoulder to try and comfort her. "Understood."

Slowly, Mai opened her eyes.

Looking around, she noticed she was sitting up on a bed in someone else's room, Miriallia's head resting on her lap. The sting of her eyes told her she had been crying along with her friend. How much time has passed? She felt pain again, no longer wishing she had died along with them. She wondered why, but the pain threatened to burst from her chest, no longer numb as before. Everything was clear to her.

Kira had killed Nicol. Athrun had killed Tolle. In that rage, the friends killed each other.

Mai was alone.

It hurt, yet she did not want to feel numb again. If she allowed that, she wouldn't be able to survive. She needed to keep living, for Miriallia and the others on the ship. Until they were safe, she would keep the pain close to her.

Sai walked into the room, waking Mir from her slumber. Quickly, he hid something behind him while Mir stared at Mai for the longest time.

"You're back to normal..." the girl whispered, sitting up and noticing Sai at the door. "Have you heard anything about Tolle?"

Mai was confused at first, only realizing as Sai explained that no one knew where Tolle or Kira were, let alone alive.

Mai was the only one who knew they were dead. The tears fell from her eyes again; Sai noticed and looked away from her. "I'll go get you guys some food, so wait here."

Once he was gone, Miriallia rested against her again, eyes staring off into nothing. "They're gone, aren't they." Mai stayed silent, knowing it wasn't a question. She watched her friends eyes fill with tears again. "You saw it. That's why you were like that."

Miriallia began to cry again. All Mai could do was comfort her, waiting for her tears to stop. She whispered her friends name once the girl had seemed calmer. "You're all I have left." Mir turned to look at her, shock in her eyes. "You and everyone else on this ship, I have nothing else." She wanted so much to cry, but her tears seemed to be dry. She would make sure they were safe before she would give into eternity.

"Is it alright… to tell you the truth?"

He looked past the barrel of the gun, staring at the blonde he had met before.

"ORB?" he questioned, his eyes still adjusting to the light. "What is a neutral nation like ORB want with me?" He pretended to grin, only feeling anger and hatred inside his body. There was another feeling, but he refused to name it. "Or am I in the hands of the Earth Forces now?"

Cagalli's glare intensified, tightening the grip on her gun. "There's something I have to know." Athrun ignore her and pulled the IV from his right arm, his left wrapped and placed into a sling. "Are you the one who destroyed the Strike?"

Athrun felt his eyes widen, the memory slamming against him like a wall. "It was me." He couldn't stop his voice from shaking.

"What happened to the pilot? Did he escape like you did?" He could sense the panic in her voice. "Eject? Or…" She looked away, eyes shining with tears like his eyes had. "We couldn't find Kira anywhere! Say something!"

"He's dead." Athrun scoffed, covering his eyes with his bangs. The girls gasp didn't stop him. "He's dead because I killed him. It's true. I did it." While he spoke, he slowly became horrified by his own words. "I trapped him with my Aegis, than blew it up. I don't see how he could have escaped." The girl cried out, grabbing him by his shirt and pointing the gun to his neck. He could feel her shaking, could sense her tears without looking. "That was the only option I had left. To finish him…"

Athrun looked at her, his tears falling free. Cagalli pushed him back against his pillow at the sight.

"You bastard!" For a minute, he thought she was going to kill him, but she fiercely let go of him and slammed her fist against the wall. "Damn it!"

He sat up slowly, looking at his arm. "But why… why am I still alive?" Athrun had been ready to die, to take Kira and him both to see his sister. When they were friends, Mai had been very fond of him. Still, he had ejected from his mobile suit before the explosion took his life. He had failed her and was too afraid to die yet. "I guess because I got out just in time…"

Furious, Cagalli pointed the gun at him again. "Or maybe… you're destined to finish me." He watched as she cried, not looking away from him at any moment.

"Kira… took too many risks! He didn't always know what he was doing, and he always cried! But he was kind! He was a nice guy!"

Athrun sighed. That sounded just like him. "Yeah, I know. Sounds like Kira hadn't changed a bit." He leaned his head against the wall as the memories came back to him. "He was always like that."

Finally, she lowered her gun. The girl seemed shocked. "Did you… really know Kira?"

"He was a sentimental crybaby. And he was smart, but he never thought things through." He smiled only a little, the pain removing the happiness from the images. "For the longest time, my sister was infatuated with him, but he had always been too dense to realize it."

"Did you really know Kira?"

"Yes… we were close." He watched the look on her face change into something else. "We've been friends… ever since the days where we were kids. We were the best of friends."

Cagalli was overtaken by sorrow. Of all the people to take Kira's life, it had to be his closet friend. "But then… that's crazy!" She gripped his shirt again. "If you were such a good friend, than why the hell would you kill him?"

He didn't even turn to look at her. "I don't know… I have idea why either okay?"

Athrun began to sob, the pain finally becoming too much. "We separated as friends, and the next time I saw him we were enemies! I asked him to come with us, over and over! Because he was a Coordinator, can't you see? He was one of us! He belonged with us! It wasn't right for him to be on the side of the Earth Forces, helping that other pilot!"

Cagalli remembered the two of them together. Though Kira and Mai seemed to sometimes have an awkward air around them, any other time the two of them created an air around them. They didn't see it, but they fit perfectly with each other. Cagalli whimpered at the thought; she couldn't even imagine how broken Mai would be. "So you…"

They stared at each other, both of them crying. "But whenever we tried to talk, he wouldn't listen! He fought against us; he even killed some of my friends! Then he killed Nicol!"

"So that's why you killed Kira? Your friend?"

"He was an enemy! He wasn't on my side anymore! I had no other choice but to kill him!"

The grip she held on his shirt tightened with her fury. "You idiot! How could you ever come up with something so stupid? How could you ever do something so terrible?"

"He killed Nicol right in front of my eyes!" The memory had him shaking, the idea of his friends death not completely registered into his mind. "He was fifteen! He loved the piano! He only fought to protect the plants and Kira killed him!"

"The reason Kira fought was to protect other people too!" She imagined Mai, and the way Kira acted whenever the blue haired girl had been around. "He had someone he wanted to protect, no matter what! But that doesn't explain why he had to be killed! And by the hands of his best friend, of all people!"

Athrun's eyes widened again, realization striking him with her words. He looked away from her, crying again. Mai's words rang in Cagalli's mind. "Someone once told me, if someone is killed for killing someone, and then some other guy is killed for killing him! How will that kind of twisted thinking ever going to bring us peace! Well!"

Together, they continued to cry.

Mai waited in the silence, her friend taking in her words.

"Miriallia?" she was scared, afraid her friend would hate her, blame her.

Mir shook her head. "You lied to us, to Kira." Mai swallowed hard, knowing what was next. "But that doesn't matter; you didn't exactly have much of a choice. I think you should tell the Captain, she'll understand." Miriallia's voice was still soft, not getting much energy back since. "You've done so much for us, she'll have to understand." Mir's eyes shone with tears that Mai could not cry. "You've lost more than me… I'm sorry for… You've been fighting against him all of this time…"

Mai brushed the hair from Miriallia's face. She tried to smile, but was unable to. "Don't be sorry; it's my fault this happened… Because I was unable to strike him down… You've lost too."

When Sai had returned, Mai had told him to take Mir to the cafeteria, but the broken girl would not separate. It had taken Mai far too long to get the girl to go with him, promising multiple times she wouldn't go too far away. Even though Miriallia continued to be unhappy with the idea, she allowed Sai to lead her away.

Mai waited several minutes alone in the dark, attempting to gather her courage. She had always been so afraid to face the truth, but her friend had continued to accept her. If it was at all possible for her to feel happiness, she would have at that moment.

She slowly made her way to the Captain's office, where both she and Mu La Flaga were discussing their next plan.

"I need to say something," Mai had managed to choke out once the doors had closed behind her.

Mu La Flaga sighed once the girl had finished with her story. As he watched her, he wished so much that the girl would cry, to release her pain. Her eyes had gained back their color, but not their life. Mu wondered if the blue haired girl would ever be able to return to how she was. "Silly girl, why are you only telling us now?"

"He's right." Marrue nodded. "Only some of your story has changed, but if you had come to us with this originally, we would not have agreed to the terms we did." The woman tried to smile. "You've done so much for us now, I have no doubts. Please continue to protect us, if you will."

Mai nodded, her tears finally returning. She whimpered and thanked them, apologizing more times then she had meant to. Both of them were surprised by her sudden outburst, approaching her to comfort her as well as they could. They were unsure about what to do once they were in Alaska.

"We will not mention this to Natarle." The captain spoke softly. "I cannot be certain that she wouldn't tell our higher-ups the truth. To ensure your safety, we will keep this to ourselves."

Mu attempted to pat her back, the movement awkward; he knew there was nothing he could say to make it easier for her. With her tears not faltering for a split second, she swore to them that she would protect the Archangel no matter what the cost.

Less than an hour later, she found herself walking down a hall she had barely been to in the past, following the instructions given to her by a crew member. There she would find the imprisoned pilot of the Buster locked away in one of the rooms.

Every step grew louder the closer she got to him, too many thoughts clouding her mind. Visiting Dearka would not calm her heart or ease her pain, but it was a distraction that she needed. She eyed the tray of food in her hands when she stopped in front of the door, understanding why no one would take it to him. Mai was the only one of the ship not afraid of the Coordinator; he knew he had lost, so there wasn't any way that he would attempt an escape.

The familiar cry called her attention to her shoulder, the black robot cat tilting its head as it watched her. Neither it nor Kira's Birdy would leave her alone, but she had managed to keep the bird in her room until she returned for it. Her feelings were divided when it came to the bird; it was not only a reminder of what she had lost, but a symbol of what had been.

With a final deep breath, she entered the code to the door and stepped inside. Dearka stirred only slightly from his bed in the corner.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to sleep without somebody pestering me every two minutes." The blonde grumbled. Normally, she would be amused by the similarity between the cousins, only hearing stories about the boy from her friend. This was only the second time she was meeting him.

"Hello, Dearka." Her voice was soft, yet it betrayed her pain. The boy jumped up at the sound of his name, eyes widening at the sight of her. Moments of silence passed between them as he stared, unsure of what he was seeing and mumbling to himself.

"But… but you're…"

Mai attempted to smile as he motioned for the tray. "I figured you would be hungry."

The beautiful sounds of birds were distracting to him, but the pleasant warmth was enough ensure him he was dead.

At first, he was confused. Why was he dead? The images of fighting Athrun appeared in his mind, his head throbbing with pain. When he tried to move, the pain increased.

He was still alive.

"Mr. Pink! Not in there!"

The voice pulled him further from his sleep, slowly opening his eyes. He could see the shape that the voice belonged to staring at him, brightening into a smile as she looked at him. He hoped with all of his heart that it was her, but the pink hair quickly destroyed the thought. There was so many questions he knew he needed to ask, multiple things he needed to make clear. The only thing that came to his mind however, was the pleading screams that echoed in his head that he couldn't place. He felt tears fall from eyes, the girl's smile disappearing.

Mai.

An empty heart is a feeling I could not explain to you. It reminded me of what I had heard about the Lovebird, a creature that mated for life. If one of the pair died, the other would begin to loose its own will to live.
It felt like the loneliness was slowly eating away at whatever part of my heart remained.

Mai Zala