AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH COLLEGE WHY YOU TAKE UP SO MUCH OF MY TIME. Also, I work 40+ hours a week, so I'm so sorry that I take so long! D:

Shirahane Aikawa: Is it okay to be a super, super late gift? ; ^ ; ORB is next up! And as long as I'm still writing, I am planning to continue onto Destiny!

Mebo1: I try!

Princesa de la Luna: I know this isn't long enough, but please enjoy for now!

Silverneira: I cry with every chapter. ;; I need my butt threatened more often, apparently.

Yasumi Mizuki: I have a goal, I want to write as much as possible this summer!

Hitomi65: Thank you!

Harajukudarkangel: I'll do my best!

Haganeochibi: :D Athrun is coming soon! Nicol and Mai's song is something I've been tossing around in my head for a while, and I think I have finally figured out what to do. :3 Ah, I noticed the formatting, but I think it's because fanfiction keeps changing and I forget to go back and change it. –sobs- About Mai's ability, there's a reason for everything. I have it all planned out, trust me. I've been trying to even it out for now, showing her limitations, but everyone will understand soon! Thank you so much for rereading!

Read it in 1/2 scale! It makes it look a lot better!

"When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future."

Bernard Meltzer

ENTRY TWENTY: GUILT

She could feel her body grow heavier, feel it wanting to give into the pain that spread with each step that she took. She could feel it, yet she didn't care about anything other than what she saw before her.

Mai was running forward, her bare feet slipping in the mud. She clung to her white gown she was still wearing from the sick bay, worried the long fabric would trip her. Behind her, she was well aware of the group gathering outside of the Archangel, unsure of how to move forward. A few of them called after her, though she could not name who they were.

Nothing mattered. Nothing except the boy walking towards her, dressed in a Zaft uniform.

Logic screamed at her to stop, to access what was going on; to question the mobile suit in the distance or the colour of his uniform, even why he was there. How he was there. The ache in her heart grew stronger than anything, pushing everything else away when she met his eyes. When she was close enough, it was like he could sense her, and they moved together in unison. Her arms wrapped around his neck in the same second his reached around her waist, his helmet forgotten when he pulled her close.

Kira held her tight, wanting so much to both laugh and cry. A gentle sob filled his ears, followed by thankful whispers repeating that he wasn't a dream. Had she really been that upset, to embrace him like that? To cry? He was relieved by his decision to return, but the guilt began to gnaw away at him. The screams of the last time they were together filled his mind, the nightmare of what Kira had done to her. He had taken Athrun away from her, and yet there she was.

After what seemed like eternity, they pulled away. The force that brought them close remained, neither of them willing to let the other go. Kira met her eyes, red and swollen from not only crying that moment. Mai started to smile, but it began to fade shortly after.

"You know, don't you." She whispered, both of them understanding what she meant. Kira wished she would smile again. The frown she wore finally brought her health to his attention; her skin was pale white, her bones showing exactly how much weight she had lost, and her eyes and hair had lost its shine. It broke him, seeing her like that.

I did this. He thought to himself. Kira wanted to pull her close again and hide her from the world.

"Kira!" The others were closer now, but far enough that he could tell they didn't want to interrupt. Marrue and Miriallia were at the front, mirroring the shocked faces of those behind them.

He saw Mai smile again, first at him, then in their direction. Marrue was the first to say something to him. "Kira, I'm glad you're alive! We all thought…"

Kira smiled at them, trying to joke about his timing. It lightened the mood slightly, but Kira knew he had to tell them what was important first. "I have something important to say."

Mai's grip on him loosened, pushing his hand away from her side. Confusion distracted him, until he could feel the warmth reach his skin through his glove. When he looked, the dark red on his hand left him speechless.

"Mai!" Miriallia ran forward, but Mai pushed her help away. Kira could finally see what it was; her white gown was stained on the side, blood dripping down her legs and onto the ground.

"Mai… you…" He managed, trying to reach out to help her.

Mai smiled, brushing him off just as easily. "I'm okay… It just opened up again, that's all."

"She was shot." Kira looked up to the speaker, watching Sai make his way through the crowd that had grown around them. He said his friend's name quietly, worried about their relationship. Sai nodded to him, before reaching out to Mai. She was hesitant at first, but took his help. They looked at each other for a moment, something unspoken passing between them. The interaction tugged at Kira, wondering what could have made them so close in such a short time.

How was she injured? Who had hurt her? Why did she let Sai support her, instead of himself? He watched Mai whisper something and Sai responded with a nod, happiness and regret mixed in his eyes.

"Kira… I'm really glad you're alive."

The unease Kira felt vanished, his eyes locking with Mai's for just a second. It was a short misunderstanding; his relationship with Sai had been lost before his 'death', and he could see it was time to start anew.

"Yeah. I'm sorry." He reached out and rested a hand on Sai's shoulder. "Thank you, Sai."

He turned to Mai again, worried about her. The wounded girl shook her head. "I'll be fine. You have something to say, right? Sai and Mir will bring me inside. And then, as I'm sure, we all have a lot to talk about."

Athrun stared at the destruction, unable to tear his eyes away from what he saw.

Once, this manor was a place of peace. A place that no matter what mood he was in, how upset he was, he could go and have those problems vanish with a simple cup of tea.

He remembered once when his sister had her heart broken by a boy. Rarely had Athrun seen her that upset, refusing to leave her room and spending her nights in tears. Athrun had found her a few days later, sitting with Lacus and her robotic pets, drinking tea with a huge smile. This place could once cure them in a blink, and all of it was gone.

The manor lay in ruin; windows smashed, furniture ripped apart, and the once beautiful garden utterly destroyed.

There was no way Lacus and her father had been the enemy, they were far too kind. Despite that, Athrun couldn't fight what his father had said or the proof he had seen.

Lacus, giving a powerful mobile suit to a spy.

Sighing, he tore his eyes away from the roses in front of him, only to catch a glimpse of pink moving around in a bush.

"I won't accept that!" the small machine chanted, jumping towards Athrun so he could catch it in his hands. The wrap around his neck was to keep his arm steady, making it awkward to hold the little thing. "I'm fine! And so are you!"

Like someone had flipped a switch, something came to him, causing him to turn and run from the building. He knew exactly where to go.

"The night time fills the sky."

The familiar song echoed through the hall as Athrun stepped inside an hour later, his breath catching in his throat. He had been right; Lacus was at the Symphony Hall, the theatre where both she and his sister had their first concerts. That night was to be her latest concert; one he knew had been requested of her in memory of her friend. 'White Symphony'.

"They want me to sing for her, something for her fans and mine to say goodbye." She had explained, so many months ago. "I'm sure though, once she returns, she'll have such a laugh at the thought."

He hesitated at the entrance, the rain soaking his suit with each moment as he stared at the ripped banners. Like the manor, the hall had not been spared in the mad rush to find Lacus Clyne. The theme was simple, the banners and signs decorated with designs of beautiful white roses.

Mai had loved the white roses the most, finding meaning in them Athrun had never understood. Maybe it was a reminder of their mother, who had always presented them with roses from the old home. Or maybe it was simply something she developed on her own, begging Lacus to use a part of her garden so she could grow them herself. Mai had been very bad at the task, but with help from her pink haired friend, for years they managed to keep them healthy.

"Stars alive, go floating by. So still the evening air, so warm and soft, is everywhere."

Holding the little pink robot in his left hand, still in the sling, he pulled a pistol from under his shirt, unsure of what to expect. If Lacus was really his enemy he needed to confront her, no matter how much it would hurt.

With that, he began to move forward.

"I see a world in harmony. A world of peace and humanity."

As Athrun walked towards the main hall, the girl he had been searching for came into his view, sitting on a prop that was on the stage, the light shining down from above.

"Where people walk free, like water in a stream. Flowing on, forever more."

Athrun knew this song, knew it more than any other the two of them sang. He knew it the most, because they had written it together. Years ago, when Mai had finally gained in popularity and his fiancé had her debut, his sister had proposed a joined concert. The idea had been a success, and the two had closed with this song. A duet, in two languages. Both lyrics were different, holding the same meaning yet different at the same time. They had done this on purpose, using their own takes in the song. Both versions had become just as popular.

"The breeze softly blows, it's crisp and warm; so sweet I know."

"Athrun!" He remembered Mai calling to him, showing him her music sheet. "Isn't it pretty?" The robot cat had mewed in response, causing his sister to smile. "See? I knew it! Let's go show Lacus!"

"Upon my cheek, I can feel tenderly a kiss so real."

Another memory, a day among cherry blossoms. Two friends standing across from each other, not moving or saying a word, with his sister standing to the side. Mai had been shaking, trying so hard to keep her tears to herself as he said his goodbye to his friend.

"Like a brush of a hand that I cannot see. The sound of the voice deep inside of my heart."

The closer his steps brought him to the girl, the more he could picture, imagining the day he had met Kira on ORB after Birdy had brought them together. The day Nicol had died, the sight of his music sheets scattered on the floor.

"So I dream of a new day coming, for all the world to see."

Lastly, how he had felt at the last fight with Kira, anger and determination driving him. What would Mai have said, if she could see how he had changed?

"Lift your eyes and see a new day dawning. A dream that will soon come true, the day we've waited for."

Cagalli's words echoed in his head, together with his sister's. "Someone's killed for killing another. Then that guy is killed for killing him! How is that kind of twisting thinking ever going to bring us peace?!"

"Lift your heart and see the future for us all. The river is our witness as it flows, forever more."

Finally he reached the stage, gentle sobbing filling his memories. "Promise me you'll never die." Mai had cried years ago, kneeling in front of the new memorial made for their late mother. Athrun's tears had long stopped, but it seemed like hers were never going to end. Her face was hidden behind her shorter hair, sticking to her body as they remained in the rain long after everyone had left. "I can't lose you too. I can't." Even their father had left before them, talking to some business men as he went. "It hurts so much!"

"As it flows, as it flows forever more."

"No problem!"

The pink machine in his hands jumped up, gaining her attention at last and ending her song. She smiled when it jumped into her arms. "Well hello there, Mr. Pink! I was certain you would be the one to bring him back to me. Thank you very much."

Athrun became frustrated with her greeting, acting like there was nothing wrong with her current situation, even as she sat surrounded by destruction. "Why, Lacus?"

"Why what?" she replied, the smile not leaving her face.

Climbing onto the stage in one quick jump, he could feel his grip tighten around his gun. "Explain yourself. What have you done?"

"I'm sure you've already heard about it." The way she tilted her head seemed so innocent that Athrun just wanted to scream. "That's why you came to see me, isn't it?"

"Is it true what they're saying about you?" he finally snapped, unable to hold it in any longer. "That you're guilty of providing assistance to an enemy spy? How could you do that?"

"I did not provide assistance to an enemy spy." Her response was quick, but her smile had fallen and he could tell she was serious. It was confusing to him, between this and the evidence against her. Lacus smiled again, noticing the uncertainty on Athrun's face. "All I did was provide Kira –" she said his name slowly, emphasizing to make sure he would hear it right. "-with a newer, better sword.

"Because I felt that he had need of it now, and it would ultimately serve its purpose best in Kira's hands."

"Kira?" The name burned his tongue, leaving an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. "What are you talking about, Lacus? Kira is gone! I-"

"Killed him with your own hands?" Athrun stepped away from her, surprised at her words. How had she known that? "Don't look so worried. It's true; Kira's still alive."

"You're lying!" Athrun raised his weapon to her, but couldn't stop himself from shaking. "What kind of trick are you trying to pull now, Lacus Clyne? What you're saying is crazy!" Even his voice shook, unsure of how to feel. There was no possible way his friend was still alive, yet Lacus was smiling without falter. He looked away from her, unable to look at her smile any longer. "It's impossible! There's no way he could be alive!"

"Reverend Malchio found him unconscious and brought him to me. Then I learned what happened between you two. Kira told me. Don't you believe what I'm telling you? Or are you so determined to believe he is dead, just like you are with Mai?"

Athrun eyes widened, turning to face her again. The smile was gone now, and the serious Lacus had returned. What could she possibly mean by bringing Mai into this? He watched as her mouth began to open to let her continue.

Kira watched as Mai's chest rose and fell, just returning from talking with Marrue and the others. The only other sign was the beeping of the machine she was connected to. The IV bag sounded beside him, but he was unsure how much having the medicine in her bloodstream would help. Coordinators usually rejected such things, so surely this situation was no different. He had been told Miriallia had donated her blood, yet Mai's body refused to take it in. Kira had offered her own blood to donate, but their types didn't match.

Sighing, he wished there was some way for him to help her, blaming himself for her state. He felt better after talking to the others about his goals, hoping to have them agree instead of returning to the Earth Alliance.

As he reached out to remove a stray strand from her face, the door opened and gave him a start, pulling his hand back.

"Birdy!" He heard, even before he turned to see who had entered.

Sai smiled from the doorway, wondering if it was okay to take a step inside. "It stayed with me sometimes, when you were gone. Mostly when she was asleep." He motioned towards the sick girl. "We felt a bit uneasy about turning it off, so we didn't."

Kira stood and faced his friend, glad they were able to talk to each other. "Thank you, Sai, for taking care of them."

"Yeah." Sai muttered softly, his smile dropping as he turned to leave.

"Sai! Listen!" Kira's call stopped him, worried he had said something to offend the older boy. There were a few questions running in his mind, and he took a second to decide what to ask first. "Where is Flay?"

"She was transferred off the ship at Alaska, along with Commander La Flaga and Lieutenant Badgiruel." He started after some hesitation, eyeing Mai before he spoke. The motion didn't go unnoticed to Kira. "Although the Commander came back, the others aren't on board anymore."

"I see."

Sai felt himself breaking the promise he had made to Mai when he had helped her back to the infirmary.

"Don't tell Kira about what Flay did." She had begged. "He doesn't need to worry about it."

"I was… very upset when I heard you had died." Kira raised his head, and their eyes met. "So I am overjoyed to see you alive and well, and back on board! But, why is it always like this with you?! You're so different! I'm nothing like you!" Sai hated the difference, wishing they could have been equal for once in their lives. His fists were clenched, and they were beginning to shake. Now he was only angry at himself for allowing such a gap between them. "Watching you, I always end up feeling miserable… I can't help it!"

"But Sai, you're better than me in many ways. There are lots of things you can do, that I can't."

Sai smiled sadly, glad to hear those words. It would be something they would work through, together as friends. Kira caught him looking at Mai again, and started to question him when he began to talk again. "I'm sorry, there was one thing I couldn't do. I couldn't protect her, even when she had helped me so much and I owe her for many things."

"What do you mean, Sai?" Kira questioned, not liking the turn the situation was going.

"I couldn't protect Mai. Not even from Flay."

Kira's eyes widened, his heart pounding in his head. "What?" He was barely able to manage. "Flay did this?"

Sai sighed and walked towards them, watching his friend stare at the wounded girl in horror. "Mai was protecting the prisoner, since that Buster pilot was in here before he was moved. Mirialla had gotten really upset when she saw him, but I could only stop her from doing something. Flay somehow got hold of a gun, and wanted to use it against the pilot."

"Mai stepped in the way." It wasn't a question. Sai knew Kira understood Mai more than anyone on that ship, so it didn't surprise him that he figured it out.

Kira blamed himself even more, forgetting how much Flay had said she hated Coordinators, hoping that he had been the one exception. Had that been so wrong, that she would even attack Mai? Sitting once again in his chair, he wondered about her wound. Last time the girl had been hurt badly, back in the desert, he had been told how quickly she had recovered, an unnatural amount of time even for a Coordinator. This time, as the doctor explained to him, she had 'refused' to heal in a sense, and her body wouldn't allow her enough time to stop the bleeding. Normally the body would heal the skin first, so unnecessary blood would not be lost.

After the death of her brother, had she wanted to die so badly? His grip tightened on his clothing, frustration building within. He couldn't do anything but watch her heal.

"Kira, I'm –"

"Kira…" Mai's voice had interrupted Sai's words. Despite her voice being so soft, both boys had been startled and gave her their full attention. "I'm sorry…"

"Sorry?" Kira repeated. "You have nothing to apologize for."

Her tired eyes were open now, looking at him with little energy. "I couldn't… couldn't remember. And when I did, it was too late."

A few tears fell from her eyes, and Kira wondered what she meant. Had she forgotten him? Kira had just assumed she had been hiding it from him the entire time.

"You need sleep, I'll be here. Let's talk when you wake up." Kira moved to wipe her tears, watching her try to smile in return. She whispered something even softer than her words, before closing her eyes again and drifting back into sleep.

"It was an amazing scene between them, and I couldn't help but wonder.
At what point does one realize they're in love, that they are meant for each other? As much as it hurt to watch, there was no way anything could get in their way. Nothing except for themselves.
They were like two halves of the some whole, even long before they realized it."

Sai Argyle

Please review~! Athrun's coming up next!