Chapter 9

Holding back the tide.

Brittany stepped into their apartment formerly known as Santana's and even though she was late, she felt giddy just thinking of herSantana and their baby cherub waiting for her. She gradually slowed her pace, taking in the glowing light permeating the living room; candles were lit all around and a Winnie the Pooh lightshow lamp complimented the illumination with the adorable characters slowly circling about.

She saw her baby snuggled on his bouncer on top of the centre table, sleeping soundly with a bright pacifier in his mouth. Brittany sat in front of him and smiled running her long fingers through the baby blonde silkiness, chuckling quietly when a heavily slumbering Dominic let out a faint babble while suckling on the binky through a tiny smile. The darling boy had one of his socks balled in a tight chubby fist; he hated them and always managed to take them off. Brittany kissed his nose and forehead before taking in his outfit. The white onesie had an inscription that caught her attention and left no room for words.

Mommy, Will you marry my Mami?

Brittany let out a heartfelt laugh and her eyes immediately searched for Santana.

"I used to wonder how you made me love you without even trying to," Santana began speaking with a velvety tone from behind Brittany and slowly walked around the couch and towards her, kneeling before her "You see, the truth is that I'll never know; there is no reason because every day is something different," Tanned fingers began playing with longer ones; Brittany mutely watching her in adoration "Like the smile you're giving me right now, or the way your eyes look when you want to kiss me or the quiet little noises you make right before waking up; even when I drive you crazy and your cheeks pink while you talk sense into me… It doesn't matter Britt because you found me and believe in me, in the love we could have. In the love we have,"

Both gazed back at the sleeping baby with sweet beams on their lips and Brittany silently pulled Santana to sit sideways on her lap, her strong arms encircling her waist and Santana's hands cradled her face, smoothing back some loose blonde hair before resuming her speech.

"I'm so in love with you, baby and I'm thankful you never gave up on me. You erased my past and gave me a new future to build together. With you I'm not scared anymore. You are my Sally," Tears started to drift down their faces, Santana sniffled "Though there is no guarantee and we can't know what tomorrow holds, the way you love me and I love you gives me hope and If you let me, I'll try to keep you falling in love me the way you do for as long as you want me."

Santana expectantly presented the beautiful ring to the crying woman. Brittany frantically nodded, chuckling through her happy tears "Yes, yes, yes!" She repeated as Santana put the ring on her finger. Brittany captured her lips in a long, languid kiss that spoke without words. They probably stayed that way for an hour, just basking in each other.

"You proposed to me… I'm going to be your wife," Brittany murmured in awe against her collarbone, earning a chuckle from above. "Hey, what's with Pooh and the gang? Was it Dominic's idea?" She asked playfully, looking around.

"Well, your son was been a little Mr Mcfuzzy pants with all the candle lights, so I thought his lamp would soothe him but apparently it worked better than I anticipated because he fell asleep within the minute."

Brittany silently laughed at the darling boy, smiling in his sleep "Happy dreams for a happy baby." She mused and searched for dark brown eyes again "I love you."

Santana nudged their noses together "And I, you."

Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes …

"Why so serious, honey?"

"What? No, I'm just tired; it's been rough these days," Brittany answered absentmindedly while waiting for a table at a familiar restaurant. She wasn't talking about work.

Camille gave her a little smile "Poor thing. Come here then, let me kiss you," She offered and found Brittany's lips in a soft but lingering peck. The blonde was still surprised when a voice greeted them.

"Hey! Look who's here! How are you, boss?"

Brittany responded seeing Brody standing with a mute Santana before them "Real fine Weston and how many times have I told you-"

"I know, just Brittany. Sorry," The dapper man smiled bashful.

"Santana, it's so good to see you. Damn, you look great!" Camille honestly voiced. "Don't you guys want to join us? I just arrived from Vancouver and I'm starving!"

Clearing her throat and avoiding blue eyes, Santana politely declined with serious tone "No, thank you. We already had dinner so excuse us and have a good night."

The stoic posture never left Brittany and wondered why those two were alone together. She didn't miss the foreign hand on Santana's middle back but refrained from thinking ill of the harmless dinner and it was wise of her although not easy.

Brittany didn't want to wait another day to do what it was right. So once seated, they ordered and after a deafening silence in the busy place, Camille beat her to it and spoke first "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I know but I hate doing this,"

Sadly smiling, Camille understood "But you have to… I kind of figured something was up because even before I left you were distant and we barely talked while I was away," She kept the rest of the thought for herself -Not to mention I couldn't reach you over the weekend until I called Santana…"and you have hardly looked at me. You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"

"Yes…" Brittany paused and took a deep breath, not leaving green eyes "Camille, I slept with someone else and I'm so sorry I just wasted your time because you're an amazing woman and don't deserve it."

Camille held her eyes for a whole minute and looked down with a hint of a smile. It didn't escape her that Brittany wasn't sorry for sleeping with someone else, especially since she was sure who that someone else was. She felt bad not for what she did but for waiting that long.

"I am an amazing woman but…" She took a deep breath "but I'm not Santana." Camille stated in mild defeat and shook her head, mostly to herself "Brittany, I would have to be blind or plain stupid to not notice. You were very clear since the beginning and to be honest, I thought it was so strange of her to introduce us in the first place but the truth is I liked you a lot when I saw you and really wanted to meet you… And I'm glad that I did,"

The blonde was speechless for a moment, her jaw dropped; she wasn't expecting that reaction but after a moment, she regained her tongue "It was wrong of me to let things escalate with you when I'm- when my heart wasn't in it. I had no right to-"

"Hey… I'm a grown up woman and I was perfectly aware of what I was getting into. I think I liked you too much to let the opportunity pass because I knew it, Brittany. I knew you two have something more than a friendship but I chose to ignore it." Camille shrugged.

"Still, it wasn't fair for you,"

"Maybe not and I'm not justifying what happened because well, it is what it is…" She bit her lips and quieted for a second "We had a great time. I care about you; I mean, I'm not about to go out with the two of you anytime soon but we're good friends as well, aren't we?"

"Yeah, yeah we are." Brittany allowed herself a tight-lipped smile.

Long dinner with drinks after, it was around midnight when Camille returned her home. The woman hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek for a long moment. Brittany smiled in relief, returning the gesture. "Remember about the wedding, ok?" She said as she was climbing back in the car.

"I'll think about it." Brittany winked at her while politely closing the door for Camille. The car disappeared from sight and her mind wandered again, walking slowly over the sidewalk. She was so deep in thought she missed the other person approaching her.

"Enjoyed your night?"

Brittany jumped "Shit!" She frowned when she saw her standing there, in the middle of the sidewalk "San, are you all right? What are you doing here?"

"I was just passing by and saw you," Santana said nonchalantly, her small hands in the pants' pockets while blue eyes watched her closely. Just passing by meant 20 minutes in the opposite direction and a quick security check to enter the complex although Santana was a familiar visitor.

"Are you drunk?"

Santana shook her head once.

"I broke up with Camille," It blurted out of pink lips after the lapse of silence.

"Did you tell her about what I did?"

A deep frown marred Brittany's features "I wanted everything to happen and I was the one with the girlfriend at the time so is my issue to deal with," She rubbed her temple at the disbelieving look on her face "It was meant to happen; we are not wrong."

Santana snapped "You cheated on her with me! I can't believe how easy everything is for you. How can you do that? I'm going nuts just wondering how the hell you can make me do things I shouldn't have, I shouldn't feel!"

"Because you want those things too, damn it! You love me!" Brittany countered fervently, piercing again the quiet of their surroundings.

Santana recoiled and faltered, both from the tone of her voice and the certainty behind Brittany's words "I- I don't…" She took a step back "You shouldn't have broken up with her, it was just sex," She delivered with a small voice.

"Oh my God! For how long- Why do you keep doing this?" She closed her eyes in aggravation, rubbing her face.

"What? I'm just saying the truth," She shrugged.

Brittany paced around, trying to calm herself but failed as she stood in front of Santana, challenging her "You're not! You're lying to yourself because you're still a scared girl! I am not like your father and I'm certainly not like that stupid girl that broke your heart and left you without a look back… Santana, I don't know what to do anymore; you keep pushing and pushing me away because you're afraid to be cut again… You're too damn afraid to just fall, to admit you do love me as much as I love you,"

Santana smirked weakly as the truth of her words stung as well but stubbornly refused to back down "Aren't you pretentious… How can you be so sure?"

"I know, Santana. You have told me so many times before and I'm not just talking about your kisses and caresses," Brittany half smiled daringly.

"I wouldn't be so certain of it. The sex was really, really good, it might cloud your mind and judgement." Santana regretted her words as they left her lips. What was she thinking? Why the hell?

Brittany slowly nodded, her gaze drifting down to her own feet before the tears started to appear on her blue eyes. She cleared her throat before looking at Santana again. "Say everything you want to spite me but you're mistaken if you think I'm just going to stop having all these feelings for you and run away. I'm already in so deep, San, but we can't go on like this while I wait for you. I love you too much for that."

She didn't wait for another childish response. Her fingers trailed in between her long blonde locks as she walked away and inside her building, leaving a crying Santana stunned in place. The sad and pained expression Brittany wasn't able to conceal would stay with her.

Days seemed to pass by slowly. Brittany practically disappeared to let things calm and give her the space Santana thought she needed. It proved to be excruciating for both of them. The blonde barely slept and was going through her days mechanically and Santana slept more than usual. But that was for a different reason she would later suspect. She was 4 weeks along.

Months of negotiations finally paid off; Brittany's most important contribution to her company was in the form of a huge deal with a global industrial company she was able to sign and the account alone was ensuring Unicorp's future. That was the reason why Santana found herself first thing in the morning sitting at one of the conference rooms along with 10 other people and an excited Brody next to her.

She wasn't paying attention at all to the things Sam was saying. Her eyes seemed glued to the figure standing right behind him. Brittany was impeccably dressed, the black suspenders complimented the ensemble and the light makeup and high ponytail made her look even younger although the tiredness reflected on her blue eyes. Her presence commanded attention even when she wasn't speaking but her eyes never met Santana's as she scanned the small crowd.

Sam basically told the people there they were the selected group that would be leading the account and introduced a new member of the team. Santana wondered why Brittany wasn't taking the lead when she knew it was all her doing. Fact was that Brittany was planning to lay off some work and Mike along with Sam's high school friend Noah Puckerman would provide the necessary skill and experience the company required. Were they going to work directly now? Was she avoiding that by having Mike and Noah leading?

Santana felt restless; Brittany made no attempt to talk to her when everyone was exchanging congratulatory words. But what was she expecting? After all, wasn't that what she wanted? She was about to approach her when Sam's happy voice caught their attention again, inviting everyone over to his house after work time for a much deserved celebration.

But it wasn't his main reason for the unusual decision, he knew his sister better than Brittany was aware of and even though Mercedes would threat to injure him for the impromptu barbecue, he would do anything to cheer her up and try to get them close again.

So, after a very vocal scolding, Mercedes agreed to her husband's wish and arranged everything as good as possible. Turns out it was better than expected, considering the little time she had to set everything up on the huge backyard but the few calls and hiring the right people were more than enough.

Maddie happily received her aunt, leaping onto her arms as was custom. She had no intentions of going to the gathering but after Sam begged her out of his own safety, she had no choice. Brittany meandered through the venue with the girl in arms, greeting and exchanging small talks; even Rachel was there, much to her surprise.

Brittany struggled to stay away from Santana but she did it anyway. She would also stay away from the alcohol considering her resolve was on the verge of breaking again and Santana shared her sentiment. When Maddie wanted to greet the woman she just lowered her and the girl ran to her, making Santana sigh in sadness and the longing was evident in her dark eyes. Her niece returned to her after half an hour of mirth with Santana, Brody and Rachel; she held on to the girl for the rest of the night, taking care of her and even putting Maddie to bed when it was the time. Santana could only observe her while regrets started to appear.

The night's atmosphere was a pleasant one. Her brother's voice and guitars filled her ears when she returned with her blonde locks flowing down her shoulders after a longer than necessary absence. Sam was singing some old school country along with Noah and Mike, providing a much cheered entertainment; these people sat on one of the largest construction companies yet they were modest folks it amazed the others.

Eventually, she had no choice but to sit at the table where Santana was because Mercedes and everyone close to her were there as well. Brittany mentally shook off the nervousness and conversed about; but not to Santana, at least not directly. Thank God the spontaneous singers caught the attention and laughter was all around to distract her. Shockingly, Rachel refrained from singing some musicals tunes and actually her voice grazed the notes of a modern song surprising Santana, who had thought they'd be bored with some Barbra or Broadway crap.

Her comment earned a chuckle from Brittany and for the first time in days, Santana looked into blue eyes for longer than a second. "Hi" she mouthed and the blonde smile grew just a little in response. Their brief moment was interrupted when the applause erupted while Rachel vowed in dramatic fashion; the petite woman was all smiles when she sat down again and bumped Santana's shoulder.

Brittany heard and saw Noah start to play the guitar again with a reluctant Sam following the chords. She frowned at her brother's expression but understood as the lyrics started to flow and Sam offered an apologetic smile. Noah didn't give him the time and just decided the song out of his own heartbreak, unknowingly bringing back Brittany's melancholy.

Enjoying the voice giving life to the lyrics, some were singing along, others grabbed phones and lighters in mocked antics. I didn't wanna be here but my friends all love this bar, I don't wanna see you, but I'm wondering where you are and why am I still keeping the shirt you used to sleep in, It's been sitting there for over a year. Oh, even though you left me, you're still here...Brittany looked at Santana for a fleeting moment before standing to excuse herself and went inside the house, followed by curious eyes.

She closed her eyes as her head hung down; hands were flat on the sink supporting her upper body. Her breathing stopped when she heard the door opened and closed; she could recognize the scent everywhere. Standing straight again, Brittany heard a smooth whisper and tentative steps.

"Are you all right?"

No! I miss you so much. I think of you when I'm awake and dream of you when I manage to sleepwere the words on Brittany's mind, but instead "Yeah, don't worry." Was all she offered, walking past Santana, who was already next to her, and out of the restroom in rushed strides. Santana felt guilty for the gloom in those blue eyes and shared her pain, holding back the tears.

She was surprised when she heard Brittany reappeared, locking the door behind her. Her pace was slow and defeated as she stood behind Santana, looking at dark eyes through the mirror. They stared at each other for a while before Brittany grabbed Santana by the waist and gently turned her around to embrace her closely.

"What are you doing?" Santana murmured looking up, her fists tight around Brittany's suspenders as strong arms were enveloping her. Brittany didn't answer. Instead, she swallowed hard, rested her forehead against Santana's and closed her blue eyes with Santana imitating her actions, breathing her in.

"You have me crazy." Brittany's declaration broke the silence and leaned to kiss her, nudging her top lip with the tip of her nose when blindly searching for her willing mouth. She had Santana pressed between her and the sink, her lower back against the cold marble.

Santana sighed into her mouth and promptly opened her lips to deepen the soft but desperate kiss Brittany was offering and demanding. Brittany swallowed a quiet moan when their tongues met in a never ending dance, starving for the taste after days of not having it. Her tanned hands now on Brittany's blonde hair, playing with the silkiness between her fingers. Their kisses never seemed to halt as the pull was intensifying, growing frantic and desperate in the need for each other.

Brittany's hands wandered down Santana's sides and slowly hiked her tight stripped black and blue dress up, bunching it at her waist before effortlessly lifting her and sitting her on. She kept kissing Santana with the sound of their erratic breathing bouncing on the walls. Brittany was standing in between her legs and at the perfect height to deliver a firm thrust; Santana moaned loudly when she felt how hard Brittany was and what it meant having Brittany devouring her like that.

She didn't care anymore when a hand lowered her soaked and barely-there underwear, breaking the seal with a wet pop to look at the longing on those blues that were saying so much without words.

Santana cradled Brittany's face in her hands to feel soft lips against her own again. Blue eyes remained open; her own hands unbuttoned her pants to free the stiff member from the briefs, not breaking the contact with the warm, eager mouth. Santana bit Brittany's bottom lip as she entered her in a single plunge of her hips, both whimpering at the connection. The hands on the small of her back pulling her impossibly close while her long, tanned legs encircled Brittany's waist

Staying motionless inside Santana, Brittany watched her face and tucked some dark strands behind her little ear. She gently bumped Santana's nose with her own to have dark eyes open and in a haze, Santana complied the silent request. Only then, Brittany started to move deliberately slow and deep, wordlessly showing Santana the love and need she was feeling.

It wasn't primal or raw like other times but their rhythm had such intensity that it didn't take longer for them to quietly reach higher pleasure, one after another. Fiery warmth bloomed inside Santana, making the feeling of it her favourite part.

Slowly regaining full consciousness, Brittany sweetly kissed her again and again, leaving her empty to help her to the floor, standing on unsteady legs. After parting their lips, Santana lowered her dress to then pick up the discarded underwear to put it back on while Brittany rearranged herself as well and waited. Waited for words than never left swollen lips.

Santana just caressed her face, trying to clean her smeared lipstick on the blonde to buy some time. She tried to voice her conflicted emotions but words failed to form coherently so she just stared back at Brittany who was, once again, disappointed. S

he was paralyzed and just watched as Brittany stepped away from her, reaching for the door handle. She was about to leave when she turned around, her cheeks still flushed; Santana opened her mouth to try and say something but couldn't.

"If this is just sex for you, then you're not good at pretending. I love you so much, Santana but it's starting to hurt me." Brittany admitted in a broken tone before she was able to leave, wanting to increase the distance between them for the very first time.

What can you do when your good isn't good

enough and all that you touch tumbles down? …