Chapter 10
Love so deep.
"Ay Dios mío! Brittany…"
"What?" Brittany was holding a smiling Dominic in her arms and asked as she stepped closer to an enthusiastic Maribel at the sight of her adorable grandson dressed in a onesie with a baby panda on the front.
The older woman chuckled as she reached for the babbling baby "You didn't give my daughter a chance." She said, kissing both rosy cheeks soundly.
Closing the door, Brittany frowned but was smiling as well "What do you mean, Mari?"
"He's looking more and more like you. Those eyes…" She said marvelled while Dominic managed a puzzled face to both set of eyes on him.
"You saw him yesterday. He looks the same."
Maribel laughed "Yes, but I haven't seen him with you in a few days." Little hands started to play with her necklace while settling on the couch "How have you been, honey?" She breathed in the sweet baby scent on the blonde softness.
"Great! I was a little busy but now I'm taking my time. I can't stand to be away from your daughter and the little guy for long." Brittany stated, her voice warmer at the mention of the most important part of her life.
"I heard someone finally proposed..."
A thrilled chuckle left pink lips "Yeah. She did in the most perfect way I could think of."
Her mother in-law smiled lovingly at the obvious mirth in the blue eyes, knowing her daughter was the cause of the happiness in them.
Dominic got bored with the necklace and turned to find his mommy, cooing. Maribel understood and gave him back to his older version, observing the endearing interaction between the two. The darling boy happily returned but not before attempting to chew on Brittany's nose, making her giggle. He always did that.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Brittany wiggled her eyebrows and Maribel nodded excitedly "You'll see some bling on your daughter's finger soon. I'm just waiting for her surprise to be ready so I can properly propose as well." She finished with a wink and made a funny face to the baby looking up at her. She always made him laugh.
The rest of the morning, Santana's mother tried to get the surprise out of her but to no avail. Brittany just laughed and effectively distracted her with their precious boy.
You only know what I want you to.
I know everything you don't want me to.
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine …
That night, like every night since they met, her thoughts and dreams belonged to Brittany and all the recent events circled around in her head again and again. And so, after tossing and turning in restless sleep and enveloped in the familiar scent lingering on her skin, Santana came to a much avoided but obvious conclusion.
Love was not something she did; the thing about it is that's something that simply happened to her. She couldn't control it and while it was that one missing piece that completed her, it could also be the very same thing to destroy her; that part was the terrifying and the reason for the bad decisions and actions. For Santana, the love she strongly felt for Brittany was both dangerous and beautiful but she finally understood she couldn't resist anymore, she didn't want to. She accepted they were just two people who had found each other and fell deeply; even when she was the one who tried to struggle and escape, not wanting to acknowledge the strong feelings her heart was holding.
Why deny Brittany and herself such happiness? Why run away from the inevitable? It seemed to her that the longer she resisted, the harder she was falling. There was no point in rejecting it anymore; it was so worth the risk. She was in love with Brittany and didn't want to be scared any longer; but most of all, she couldn't keep hurting her when everything Brittany had done was to love her and even under Santana's own conditions.
She adored and needed Brittany, simple as that and she had to tell her.
With that resolution in mind, Santana felt a renewed energy flowing through her body and sprinted out of her bed. She didn't know the time that morning, she didn't know if Brittany was at her apartment but she didn't care. She got dressed in the first thing she could find and grabbed her keys.
But of course it wasn't going to be that easy. Her calls were unanswered and while she was waiting at Brittany's door, she received a text. It was just a meek question mark. She swallowed hard, feeling already the coldness between her hands but typed her own inquiry.
- Where are you?
Uncharacteristically, Brittany responded simply.
- San Francisco.
Santana slumped against the door and slid down to the floor, wondering what she was doing over there and with whom.
- Are you coming back soon?
Very earlier that morning, Brittany decided to attend an event she had declined at first and as soon as she saw the first ray of light, she gave up trying to sleep and packed her bags, made a couple of calls and shortly after was jetting out of L.A.
- Tomorrow afternoon.
Now, Santana would have to wait.
- Ok, I'll see you then. I need to talk to you… Take care please, Britt.
There was no reply back but her determination didn't falter. She stayed there for almost an hour, willing the time to fly by faster. Santana felt nervous and excited at the same time; it was a strange but good sensation invading her.
Sunday afternoon arrived not soon enough and it took a little longer to unlock the door but she finally managed. Brittany stepped inside and dropped her bags, not bothering with taking them upstairs. She discarded her clothes all over the floor of her bedroom and took a quick shower. She was towelling her soft hair when she heard the buzzing, announcing someone was at the door. Letting out a defeated sigh, she put some old tank and loose sweat pants than hung low on her hips.
Brittany sluggishly walked down the stairs again and made her way to the kitchen, making no attempt to receive her eager visitor. The home sound system became alive with soft old tunes and although the booze from earlier was still flowing in her veins, she grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat on a stool at the breakfast bar, taking a long swig of the cold liquid. Her phone announced a new text message from Santana but she didn't bother to read it; instead, she typed back the door was open.
She heard faint steps slowly approaching; her hands playing with the bottle absentmindedly while she waited.
Timidly, Santana stood in front of her, greeting her with a quiet Hey but Brittany remained in silence, trying to focus her attention in anything but the nervous woman standing there, fidgeting with her own fingers. She could feel dark eyes examining her form; Santana noticed the faint pink on her cheeks and the tip of her ears but couldn't look into her blue eyes as she wanted. She only could see the tiredness below them and smell the rare trail of alcohol added to Brittany's sweet scent.
After what felt like an eternity, Brittany cleared her throat and drank again, almost finishing it on the spot.
Santana tilted her head to get a better look and asked "How was your trip?"
"It was alright." She took the last sip after answering with a monotone.
"It looks like you're still on the party."
Brittany nodded and then shrugged, not looking up "I'm just avoiding the hangover and it was a wedding. I went with Camille."
Santana confirmed her dread "Oh..."
"She's friends with one of the grooms."
"You don't have to explain anything to me."
"I know, but I want to. You've met Sebastian, the night you introduced her; he's her friend and he invited us before we started dating." Brittany offered, smearing on some words almost unnoticeably, and went for another beer.
Santana swallowed and tried to conceal her fearful expression, looking at Brittany's back "Did you two... are you back together?"
A knowing sarcastic chuckle left her lips as she opened the bottle "Of course not, that's why I'm telling you this. Nothing happened; I stayed in a very nice hotel room, alone." She walked back and forcefully sat again, chancing a glance at Santana "Besides, it's not like I can even think of doing anything with anyone. I'm royally screwed, you know."
Santana exhaled deeply "You're mad at me."
"Do I have a reason to be mad at you?"
She nodded almost eagerly with pleading eyes "Yes, I've been a complete idiot and a total bitch to you and I am really really sorry, Brittany." Santana carefully reached and grabbed one of her hands, idly playing with her fingers "I wasn't fair to you but I was really scared because I have never ever felt like this before with anyone else."
Brittany withdrew her hand; it burned to feel her warm skin while she felt so weak "Funny now that you mention it... You see, I haven't felt this way either and I hadn't thought much about it. I was so worried about how you felt that I let my own guard completely down… But I didn't- I didn't think loving me would be this hard, you know." Her gaze was fixed down to her hands while she spoke and took the bottle to her lips before continuing in low but stern voice "I didn't want to see you or talk to you, I didn't want to feel so defenceless again," She shook her head at herself "I'm drunk and probably shouldn't tell you these things. But, you're here already, so..."
Santana could see how vulnerable Brittany was, as she felt as well, and understood the feeling realizing the truth of the words and it stung; she was right "I know, Britt. I know." She was so worried protecting herself that she unintentionally had caused her harm.
"You don't know." Brittany mumbled from a place of rejection and heartache, her voice wavering with sadness "For the first time I wanted to be away from you and not miss you… I wished I could just stop- just stop thinking of you, just stop needing you but I can't, I can't; I've realized how powerless I am when it comes to you, Santana. It's helpless… I'm helpless." She smiled forlornly, looking at teary dark eyes.
Tears started to flow freely down Santana's face "I am so sorry Britt… I didn't- it wasn't my intention to hurt you," She sniffled "I am so in love with you-"
Brittany shook her head slowly, her mind clouded "Unlike you, I said I love you because I hope for a chance at forever with you, I can't stop needing you, San and it hurts you're just saying that to appease me but you're not going to stay." Her cry intensified, feeling completely lost.
Santana rounded the bar on hasty steps and stood between her legs, throwing her arms around Brittany's neck, comforting her and crying with her while Brittany's shoulders shook. After long minutes, Brittany calmed down and her tears subsided, Santana devotedly wiped under her eyes and cheeks with her thumbs. Blue eyes were closed when she nudged her nose with Brittany's and leaned closer to kiss her slowly and sweetly, offering the reassurance they both urgently needed. Brittany instantly melted into the kiss, savouring the way their mouths connected; it was as if Santana was taking her sorrow away with a single gesture that seemed to last forever.
Parting soft lips, Santana rested her forehead on her temple and guided Brittany's arms around her waist "Baby, look at me..." She whispered and felt the hold tightening. Reddish blue eyes found honest dark ones "I am so in love with you and I don't want to be scared anymore. This feeling, this love is the only thing I believe in… I'm so in love with you." She repeated in a warm whisper.
"You mean it?" Brittany pouted like a lost child, her nose red.
"With all my heart," A peck to warm lips was delivered "I tell you I love you because I'm sure we have a chance at forever and I tell you I need you because I'm going to stay, Britt." The blonde smiled tiredly and hugged her snugly, easily surrendering again with her face buried in the crook of her neck. Santana trailed her fingers between the blonde softness for a few minutes "But now you need to sleep, ok? I can tell you're exhausted." And it was barely 6 o'clock.
The nod against her was enough confirmation and helped Brittany to her bare feet, holding her hand before mutely walking to the destination. Of course they still needed to talk in better conditions and Santana wanted to apologize properly as well and make it up to her; she didn't want Brittany to have any doubts.
"Can you stay? Fall asleep with me?" Brittany asked tenderly while trying to keep her eyes open.
"Of course, baby. I'll stay."
After climbing into bed, Santana rested comfortably on her back and Brittany carefully found her place snuggled on her side, resting her head on her chest. Santana drew the covers over them and whispered softly "I love you, Brittany." Smiling, Brittany closed her eyes and hummed in contentment before quickly drifting to heavy slumber with Santana following soon after. There was so much more to come, so much.
It appeared again, the queasy feeling on her stomach and the funny taste in her mouth. Santana slowly woke up a few hours later and saw it was around 10pm; Brittany hadn't stirred at all and was quietly snoring against her, making Santana smile; she looked so peaceful, completely the opposite of the broken mess she had encountered earlier. She gradually untangled herself away and stepped into the restroom, reigning in the sensation of throwing up. Santana still didn't think much of it, blaming it on the amount of candies she had shared with Maddie the day before. She drank some water and went back to the warm bed, this time laying on her stomach to watch Brittany sleeping soundly, both oblivious to the little life growing by the day.
Brittany's eyes fluttered open. She felt a little disoriented as she sat on the bed, planting her feet on the cool hardwood flooring and rubbing the sleep out of her blues. Almost 13 hours of sleep diminished the effects of the hangover. She was stretching her body when she started to remember the night before, or was it just a dream? After all, she had woken up alone but while she debated with herself, she heard tell-tale noises from downstairs; Santana was still there but she was in the kitchen. Brittany beamed at the validation of her memories.
Stepping out of the bathroom with fresh face and no longer tasting like a bar, she was greeted by a shy looking Santana who was carrying a tray with breakfast and coffee. Brittany walked slowly over to her as she settled the food down. They stood face to face, Santana looking down and Brittany looking at her.
"Hey." Brittany murmured and with an index finger under her chin, tilted her head up. Both set of lips stretching into a little smile.
"I- I cooked you breakfast."
Brittany just nodded gratefully and couldn't resist, there was so much to say first but, well, you know; she encircled Santana's waist and leaned down to claim pouty lips in a deliberate slow smooch, sighing deeply when she felt the welcoming warmth and downy hands on her neck.
"I'm so sorry, Britt." Santana said through fresh tears against her mouth.
She shook her head and held her closer, kissing her forehead "It's ok. You're here now."
"I really am. I have so much to say and so much to apologize for." Santana stated wholeheartedly, looking into earnest blue eyes.
"San, we both made mistakes and we both hurt but we have time," She thought for a moment and playfully bumped her nose with Santana's, as was her custom "This week it's going to be hectic but I was thinking… Do you want to get away with me for the weekend? We can go wherever you want and we can talk or sleep or do whatever you want as long as we're together. Anything as long as you're with me."
Santana grinned broadly "I would like that… I would love that."
She smiled even wider "Done. Now let's have your delicious breakfast."
Scrunching up her nose, Santana declined "Thank you but I made it for you, besides it's getting late and I should probably be going."
Brittany stole another kiss from pouty lips, this time deeper and longer. Finally, Santana was accepting her and was willing to let her in wholly, happily so.
She was right; the week was going to be hectic and started that way. Brittany was immersed in the little details of her deal and didn't have the time she wanted for Santana when she was about to spend three days with her brother and some of their board members in Seattle and Boston; she just wanted to take Santana away and clean the slate to start anew. But she needed to finish the business in order to back off from some work like she had planned. Calls and facetime would do for now.
As for Santana, it was an interesting week as well. The queasy feeling intensified with the smell of certain scents and since that Sunday with Brittany she started to throw up every night around the same hour and it all began to take form. She was still sitting next to the toilet, heaving, when her mind caught up to her changing body; she felt drowsy, sleeping more than usual and frequently visiting the loo to pee. The missing period wasn't because of unbalanced hormones.
Cool water was drying in her frame as she stared at herself in the mirror, naked; her brain searching for answers she knew could only be one. But it couldn't be possible, could it? Surely, there were more than enough times... Santana closed her eyes to slow her passing thoughts and questions. Her mind drifted off to Brittany and the trail her fingertips had mapped all over her skin, her lips burning on hers spreading a warm sensation all over her. She carefully examined her body; it wasn't any different but she noticed the tenderness of her breasts and a slight change in the colour of her nipples and for a moment, her hands slid to her stomach, resting them there for a long while.
Swallowing hard, she dressed distractedly and left the apartment for a quick but important errand, ignoring her cell phone and the insistent caller. Not 15 minutes later, two positives stared at her from the sink…
Brittany was in an unusual, and almost never seen, foul mood; she had just arrived directly from the airport to her office and was exhausted, hadn't sleep that much and the trip took a day longer than they had prevented. But what was worse, Santana hadn't answered her calls the last day and only texted her she was just tired as well; Brittany feared she was starting to second guess and it was getting harder to be patient.
"Almost everyone had been informed Ms. Pierce," Becca, her assistant told her about the meeting they needed to have about the account "I couldn't communicate with Ms. Lopez but I've been told she'll be here tomorrow. I'll confirm with her then."
Brittany frowned deeply "She's not here now?"
"No, she asked for permission to leave early. She wasn't feeling well."
How convenient, Brittany thought; the same day she came back, Santana wasn't there. She thanked and dismissed the older woman, massaging her temples to try and lessen the headache pounding her brain. She wouldn't doubt, she would trust it was nothing.
Just as she was calming and slumping in the comfortable chair, Puckerman showed up unannounced, holding a simple folder. He greeted in serious tone and sat in front of her, giving her one of the printed sheets that were inside.
"I don't know if you are aware of this but if it's final then it complicates the dynamics we want to set. Hell, it complicates a lot of things around here."
Brittany read the content and her heart raced "Who gave this to you? Her?"
Noah shook her head "Yesterday I sent her a folder with some information but I needed to check it was the right one… So, I personally stopped by her office because I remembered she left earlier… I took the folder, only it had that as a front page."
Irritation coursed through her veins "She's going to be the death of me." She huffed and stood up abruptly, leaving her office in determined and fast strides with the signed two week notice letter in her hand while at the same time Santana waited patiently at Dr. Fabray practice on another part of town.
"Did you stop taking the pill?"
"No, I forgot about them once or twice." Santana admitted.
"Well, that's more than enough for a little window to open." Quinn stated lightly while finishing reading the tests, confirming what she already knew. "You are pregnant, Santana."
"I am." She nodded with a tiny smile tugging at her lips.
"Judging by your reaction, I believe you don't want to hear about the options you have." Hazel eyes questioned softly. She was her OB/GYN and had known each other for quite some time now thanks to Santana's mother. Sure, she was still young but already recognized and with her own practice.
"I'm- I'm having this baby, Quinn. I respect other choices but this is mine."
The woman smiled, almost relieved "Good." The Dr. nodded "Your results are alright, everything else is normal..." She continued her explanation, asking about the circumstances for health records and answering Santana's questions, calming her concern for taking the pill when she was already pregnant, assuring her that was extremely unlikely it could cause harm to the baby.
Santana was on her back, her still flat stomach exposed while she waited for the early ultrasound. Everything seemed surreal to her, she couldn't quite believe where she was. What would come next? What would Brittany do or say? It wasn't on purpose she was having her child, their baby. Someone that would intrinsically bound them together against all odds.
The cool gel brought her back from her thoughts. Quinn gently moved the transducer around her stomach, searching for the small evidence of Brittany inside her womb. She hummed in satisfaction when she found it.
"You see that little spot over here, looking like a tadpole?" Quinn pointed to the little blob floating in the blurry black and grey.
Her eyes watered "Is that- Is that my baby?" Her voice quivered.
"Yes, congratulations Santana, that is your baby," And according to the measurements "Your 6 weeks old tiny baby."
Santana chuckled through her tears. It sounded so candid and in utter wonderment that had Quinn herself chuckling as well as she examined the information on the screen, ensuring everything was on the right track.
"Ok, then. Let's print the first picture of baby Lopez…" Santana shook her head when the young doctor said the last word. She didn't want her father's name on something so sacred; someone that wasn't only hers.
"Pierce, baby Pierce."
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you …