Ógleði

Depression

You'd think a forced sleep would be one without issues; it would simply be a black void while your mind and body repaired itself so it could wake up. Loki thought that too. Until he heard their voices.

"Goat."

Loki froze in his abyss, not opening his eyes; he knew what he would see.

"Goat, look at me."

He didn't want to, he didn't want to, he didn't want to.

"Goat, I said, look at me."

He creaked his eyes open, staring off into what should have been darkness, instead was that indescribable colour that was one he had never seen outside of this horrid place. In front of him were two figures. Those two figures. The one who had spoken was Thor. Except… He wasn't. And neither was the other figure.

They were… Deformed. Thor's neck spiked at an odd angle, his face was the same white as the room he had just been in, and his eyes had no pupils or irises, just black, horrible, horrible black. His usually red cloak was tattered and dripping black liquid, which he assumed was that cursed oil. His chest plates were scoured and gleaming, but they had a kaleidoscope effect, which allowed a disturbing real view into his chest. He saw Thor's heart, warped and broken, thumping unnaturally, terrifyingly. The rest of Thor's clothes were ripped and torn, with oil dripping from the edges.

The other, older man was also changed, having various bits of flesh living and crawling in his now speckled and dirty beard. His eye was also black, with tiny streams of oil running down his pale cheek, but his eye-patch was gone, revealing an endless abyss of darkness, only broken by a single red speck. His jaw hung broken, only held by skin, teeth hanging out, some missing. He had horns sprouting out of his head, curled and menacing. His armour was also broken and bleeding oil. He was missing a leg, it looked like it had been torn off then the stump had been burned. He was only able to stand thanks to a sceptre. That sceptre… It looked familiar. Gleaming gold, pointed with swirling blue.

Loki stammered, trying to crawl away, but he heard thundering footsteps behind him and that familiar cold metal slipped around his throat, forcing him to stop suddenly. "You are going to stay with us, Goat. Until you learn," the older man caught Loki's eye, his jaw creaking and jerking terrifyingly as he talked. Loki whimpered, shutting his eyes and begging for it to end. He'll be good, he won't yell at the other, real Thor, he won't struggle, he won't- a jerk swung him face to face with the older man.

"What is my name?"

Loki trembled, licking his lips and swallowing, "I-I-I-" he choked out, trying to squirm free from the pain and terror.

"You know my name, Goat. What is it?" He started to growl, a normal human growl, but it slowly descended into something morbidly unnatural. Loki had never been so scared, he screamed and yelled and bucked and kicked, trying to get away.

Two strong hands clamped down on his ribs, forcing him to stop moving. He felt Thor's hot breath on his neck, and smelt death, Thor's mouth loomed next to his ear, and he could see it as it split open, revealing row upon row of pointed fangs, "What is his name, Goat?"

Loki felt horns breaking through his forehead again, curling upwards, one of them stopped short though, as it had been broken. He felt bile rising in his throat and leaking into his lungs and organs. He felt it enter him through Thor's iron grip on his ribs, pain snaking through his body and veins, that unimaginable pain.

"O…. Odin…." He whimpered, boiling bile already leaking from his lips. How did he know that name? He had recognised the face of course, but the name had eluded him. Where had it come from? Was there a part of him he couldn't remember?

"Good, Goat. Now, what are you wearing?" Thor smiled, revealing those teeth, and backing away, he released Loki.

Odin also released his adopted son, watching as he fell to the ground, arm twisting underneath him, and how he grunted in pain. Loki realised he was still wearing the simple white shirt and white pants of the room he was in, and was surprised. That must have happened then, otherwise he would have his old clothes.

"I say he removes them."

Loki turned and looked at Thor, shock on his face. They wanted him to do what?

"Hah! I agree. Goat, remove your clothes. Now."

Loki sobbed, and fell to the floor, cradling his head in hands, murmuring about how he wanted it to stop. He didn't want this, he didn't think he needed this, he thought he was an alright person without toning! He didn't need to be a goat! He didn't need to be naked like one! The figures frowned in unison, and Odin lifted his sceptre and brought it down upon Loki's ear, sending the ringing of bells echoing throughout his head, and even down his body. Loki yelled in shock, flinching outward and cutting himself on his chain.

"Now."

He had to do it; he had to reveal himself to his "loving family". Loki sobbed as he tried to remove his shirt, but it got stuck on his chain, whimpering, he kept trying, and ended up ripping it to get it off. His ribs were showing, the veins on his body were jet black, his skin was pale and he looked physically ill, bordering on dead. He looked up at the two, silently begging them not to continue.

"Pants too, Goat."

His hope sunk below ground, it became non-existent. Loki shut his eyes and removed his pants, feeling shame and pain at the humiliation, physically showing it with tears of black. Sitting naked on the floor, he curled into a ball, trying to warm himself, as he had become cold all of a sudden, the oil freezing in his veins. How could he rule with this horrible weight of personal torment upon him? They had won. So he resorted to pleading.

"Good Goat!" He flinched as he was petted on the head, somehow it added to the humiliation.

"C-… Can I leave now? Please?" Loki whispered, shivering, but he was sure they could hear him, as they both looked at him with emotionless faces.

"Goats do not speak unless told to."

"I-I know that, but…"

"What did I just say."

"P-P-Please…."

"You just can't shut up, can you? I'll fix that." Thor's hand reached down, grasping Loki's chin and wrenching it upward, meeting Loki's scared eyes, and revealing a burly needle and thread in his other hand. Loki's eyes shot as wide as they could, and he screamed, flinching and trying to run. He was hit in the leg by the sceptre, and came crashing to the ground, his naked body collapsing into a heap. The thought of having his mouth sewn shut was, for some reason, the most terrifying thing he could imagine. The worst thing that could happen to him, and he didn't even know why. He tried to crawl across the ground, tried to leave this nightmare. All he was rewarded with was a slice of cold cutting his body, and footsteps approaching.

"Now now, calm down, it won't hurt much."

Odin put the sceptre in between Loki's shoulder blades, pinning him to the ground. Loki grunted in pain, the point digging into his skin, breaking it, and scraping his spine. Thor came from the front, and held Loki's chin on his lowered knee. Taking little time to prepare himself, he strung the coarse thread through the eye of the needle and advanced on Loki's face. "Please don't do this, I won't talk, I swear I won't!" The victim pleaded, trying to move, but only sending the sceptre deeper into his back and his neck turned on more of a 90 degree angle to his body – in simpler terms; more pain.

"Shut up."

It was the last thing he heard before sense-blinding pain pierced through his cheek. His mouth was wrenched open, only adding to the pain, before the needle was pushed out again. It was cold, like an icicle being pushed into his cheek, in and out, in and out, in and out, and all he could do was weep and shiver. The oil had formed a sort of plug in his throat, temporarily silencing any screaming, and to stop oil leaking out and ruining Thor's wonderful work.

Thor had never been delicate or creative with things, and this time was no exception. When he was finished horrible criss-crossed stitches covered Loki's mouth and cheeks. Loki's eyelids drooped; he was about ready to give up. He was about to close his glass eyelids forever and do whatever they wanted – when he saw a creeping darkness approaching. This was his exit, he knew it. He lowered his head and looked at the ground, staying quiet, oil, tears and blood washing down his ruined face.

"Good! This is good!" Odin beamed, or as much as he could do with his broken jaw, and removed the sceptre from Loki's back. Thor stood as well, and he an Odin began to talk about how Thor would rule Asgard, and how Goat would serve them (especially the horrid acts he would be forced into doing). Loki didn't bother listening, but this time, it was for a different reason. The darkness swept across the floor, beckoning, calling. Without any warning the naked Loki leapt up, sprinting as fast as he could in his state. He was feet away from the darkness when he heard roaring footsteps behind him. No, no, no, no. The collar was tightening; he was coming to the end of it.

He jumped, feeling somewhat free, hope returning as the darkness overtook him, holding his naked body, leaving the screaming figures behind.

"Loki? Can you hear me? Time to wake up."

He blinked and carefully opened his eyes. He was back in the room, tied to the bed, in his clothes, thankfully. He immediately did a check of himself, his eyes swung down to his jaw and mouth, it was smooth and clean, though slightly paler than usual. He sighed, feeling weariness sweep through his body. He tilted his head down, looking at the person. Good, it wasn't Thor; he didn't think he could stand to look at him at the moment. It was just the small man.

"Yes, I hear you." Talking sharp and bluntly, he decided to play along, it's not like he had a choice but be somewhat courteous to the mortal. Besides, he didn't want to anger the man and have sleep bestowed upon him again, anything but that.

"Good. How are you feeling?" The man spoke carefully, moving closer slowly.

Loki frowned, "How do you expect me to feel, rodent?" he was starting to become annoyed by this man, regardless of his nice voice. He had better start saying things Loki wanted to hear.

"Not that well, but that is what I am gathering, how do you feel?" Ignoring the rodent comment, the man was almost next to him, and though Loki tensed up, ready for an attack, he allowed his presence cautiously.

"What is your name, human?" Loki inconsiderately ignored the question, moving his head so he looked at the man, trying his best to keep his usually sly look on his face, but only succeeded to look old and weary.

"My name is Richard Audolf."

Loki's brow creased in thought, "What an odd name for a human."

"My ancestors were from Scandinavia, it's a family name. Well, Richard isn't, but Audolf is. "

"So you are the friend of wolves?"

"Hah, I suppose so. I have never met one though; perhaps my ancestors' friends were indeed wolves."

Loki thought, something was ringing in the back of his head, but didn't dare look, afraid of seeing Odin's face again. Didn't he know a wolf? He felt like he should. But he shook it off and continued, "Why am I here?"

"Why don't you tell me?" Richard asked, now sitting on the table next to Loki.

Loki's brow furrowed again, so this Audolf was playing games with him? Well then, he would play along, he liked these games. "It appears that my behaviour has been erratic and somewhat disturbing to my brother, so he dearly decided to strap me down and force sleep upon me." He said bluntly.

"So you recognise that something is off about you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me, Audolf, I am simply having trouble sleeping."

"It's more than that, Loki; you seemed to be experiencing psychosis. It may be ongoing."

"What is that?"

"It's when someone loses touch with reality and the world around them. Their thoughts and feelings change, and they may see, hear or feel things that aren't really there. People who experience them can be violent, but most of the time they are scared."

"You think I'm having one of these?"

"Yes."

"Heh, well then you are wrong doctor, I am full power of my mental facilities, and I am never scared. I am a god, remember?"

"Then why did you act like you did when Thor was here simply trying to comfort you?"

Loki fell silent, yes, that did happen. Why did he do it? Of course, Thor was going to hurt him. Punish him. Goat.

"Well, Loki? Can you tell me what you were thinking?"

"I… Leave."

"Pardon?"

"Leave me now."

"Very well, Loki. But do you want me to give you something to help you rest?"

"No!"

"That was sudden, very well, I won't. Just call out if you need anything."

"I need to be free, doctor."

"Not yet."

"Well, how was he?"

"He seemed much calmer and in control. I believe the medicine is working to soothe his mind. That, and you weren't there, I think that helped."

"It is a shame I cannot see him."

"Yes it is, but if you want him to get better, you will only enter when he asks you to."

"So I am to listen to the orders of a mere man and my sick-in-the-head brother?"

"You are to think about executing them."

"Very well, I shall. For now."

"Thank you."

"What did he say?"

"He seemed to be interested in my last name, and was curious as to what he was experiencing, though he wouldn't admit he was actually experiencing it."

"He would enjoy your last name, Audolf. And of course he wouldn't, he is too stubborn."

"Like his brother I take?"

"Haha, yes."

"It's good to hear you laugh, Thor, you seemed incapable of doing so when you arrived."

"Yes… Yes I did."

"Are you hungry?"

"I am."

"I'll get some food, anything you prefer?"

"No, also…"

"Yes?"

"Prepare some for Loki."

Loki couldn't decide what was worse, the darkness behind his eyelids, or the light when he opened them. He had been thinking about that for the last half hour, not wanting to stray too deep in thought over something important, only keeping to the lighter things at the front of his mind. He should probably fix the light, it was shining very brightly. Yes, he loved that white colour, but the light above his head amplified it, causing it to scrape across his eyes. He had been alternating between closed eyes and open, trying to cool his eyes in the darkness, but he quickly became scared for no reason and had to open his eyes, repeating the cycle.

"Will someone turn down the light?" He ordered to no one in particular, more to himself to pass the time. He waited to see if anything would happen, and when he didn't he sighed and continued his eye flickering. He wished he had at least one arm, so he could shield his eyes. Not being able to use his abilities was draining and depressing to him, whatever Audolf had given him must have restricted them. He felt tired, very, very tired, but he knew he couldn't sleep, or they would return. He could feel them just there, waiting, waiting to punish Goat for fleeing his masters.

"Goat…" He whispered. Goats were herbivores, meaning they ate plants, like grass. They generally had two horns sprouting from their head, but they were usually short and stumpy, only really used for head-butting. They walked on all fours, having soft hooves instead of hands and feet. They were a common farm animal, as their milk was a delicacy to some people. They had fur, and never wore clothes. Their eyes were odd though, the pupil warped and stretched horizontally; causing an alien like effect to anyone they looked at. They did not talk.

They did not talk.

Why was he talking?

Wait.

He must be scatterbrained or confused, probably because of the liquid the doctor had put in him. Yes, that was causing his mind to stray and forget, not realise things, such as not being allowed to talk. You can talk all you want, they aren't here. Well, yes, but they could be watching, and they can hold a grudge. Why not just risk it? Quiet.

He tried to think of something to do that wouldn't disrupt his calm train of thought. He checked himself physically for the hundredth time. His hair was soft, if somewhat frazzled from unkemptness, flowing around his head on the pillow. His face was normal, though there was the memory of pain in it. His eyes were fine. His chest felt like it was being sat on by a child, not painful, but not comfortable either. The fabric of his clothes was soft and coarse at the same time, rubbing against his skin when he breathed or moved. His arms had fallen asleep, and he knew when he was able to move them he would have the worst case of pins and needles. His hands had been constantly moving, unconsciously cracking the bones in his hand. He had never had the habit before, but it didn't bother him, so he ignored it. His pelvis was sore, his underside being compressed down for so long. His legs had also fallen asleep, and his feet had constant pins and needles, due to him forgetting about them, them falling asleep, then him remembering and moving them. He had no idea how long he had been in this room for, he was only slightly hungry, but food didn't matter to him anyway. His joints were sore from lack of movement, so he must have been there a while.

He finished his examination and boredom returned. "Could someone bring me a drink?" He thought out loud. He waited a while but heard nothing, and became annoyed, "Hello? Bring me a drink!" he yelled, becoming more and more angry at the fact that these mortals were ignoring him. He could feel his rollercoaster mood approaching another drop, and he both feared and welcomed it.

Luckily he was heard this time, and Richard returned, "Sorry, Loki, I had something to attend to, here is your drink, I also have food prepared if you want it," he carried a plastic cup of water in his hand, and approached with caution. Loki felt his anger beginning to bubble over, how dare he? How DARE he? Keeping a somewhat straight face he waited for the man to approach. "Are you feeling okay? You look a little tense," Richard looked slightly worried, but tried to hide it and held the cup to Loki's lips. Loki didn't say anything, not trusting his mouth. He took a sip of the water, letting the cool liquid run down his throat, and sighed.

Richard seemed content with this, and lifted his arm away, still standing next to the bed. "You didn't answer my question, are you feeling okay?" he repeated, trying to keep a stern tone of voice to the god.

Loki's face tightened, and he closed his eyes. His hands started to shake slightly.

Richard looked more worried now, noticing his hands, "Loki. Can you hear me?" he was starting to feel afraid, but he didn't know why.

Loki's eyes snapped open, and he roared at the ceiling, so loud that Thor could hear him through seven thick walls. Thor began to run towards the room, but Richard could only fall back, the water spilling onto his chest. "L-L-Loki?!" He cried in fear, scrambling back. "H-Help!" He called out when Loki started to lift his arms, straining the restraints. Loki's head whipped around and stared down at the doctor, "KNEEL." He roared, madness in his eyes, actually managing to rip one of his arms free.

Thor burst into the room, took a second to analyse the situation, then rushed forward and held down Loki's free arm, "Loki! Calm down! CALM!" Thor tried to roar over his brother, sounding like two lions fighting over a meal. Loki was wild-eyed, staring at everything and nothing, his hair falling over his face, his mouth spraying and snapping. He saw Thor as flickering between a figure and a friend, but Thor risked it and hugged his brother tight, holding the free arm down. Loki saw this as an attack from a figure and flinched into a counter-attack, using his head to head-butt and bite his brother's neck. Thor winced as Loki dug his jaw into his own neck, and could feel flesh tear slightly, but held him close. "Loki… Brother…" He whispered into Loki's ear, a tear rolling down his cheek.

Richard the whole time had alerted for help, and there were three other grown men in the room, ready to restrain and medicate. He held his needle ready, waiting for Thor to step aside. Loki spotted the needle past Thor, and started to scream instead of yell, "NO! NO! NO! NO!" he screamed and screamed, wriggling, no longer attacking, and instead tried to escape. Thor still held him tight, sobbing, "It's okay, this will help you sleep, this will help you sleep!" he whispered over and over to the screaming man he was holding, hoping he would understand. Loki did, and that's what scared him.
"I DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP!" He bellowed, and in fear, he slipped his arm free of Thor and actually grabbed his brother's back, wrenching him closer, he lifted his head to Thor's ear and whispered, "I beg of you, please do not make me sleep, they will destroy me," he was crying now, no longer angry, just scared.
Thor frowned, trying to understand what Loki had said, but still hugged him. Destroy? No one could hurt him here. It must be in his head when he slept. No wonder he hadn't been able to sleep all those years. He lifted his head from his brother, half lifting himself from Loki, who fell back and covered his eyes with his free arm, sobbing and murmuring. Thor turned to Richard and the men, who were still poised and ready, "Do not give him that." He said sternly.
Richard raised an eyebrow, "Why? It will help him sleep and relax his mind and mood," he said matter-o-factly . Thor frowned thunder, so Richard backed up, "Okay, okay, I won't! But can you tell me why?" he questioned.
Thor sighed, and completely removed himself from his deranged brother, who was still sobbing into his arm, mumbling nonsense and twitching, "Something happens when he falls asleep, something that has scared him," Thor spoke softly, a hand on Loki's face-covering arm.
"How do you know he is not lying? Tricking you? I've heard he's been able to do that quite a lot," Richard was starting to feel cocky and brave; these "gods" were in his arena, using his weapons.
Thor took offense to that, to put it lightly. He marched over to Richard and grabbed him by the front of his coat, lifting him to eye level with the god. "Do not. Give him that." He breathed anger, spite. Loki overheard, but it only fuelled in scaring him more, it sounded like the bad Thor, except he was mad at someone else.
Loki ripped his arm away and caught Richard's eye, scared eyes meeting terrified, red and puffy eyes, "Do not speak! Do not look! Do not make a sound! Stay silent and hidden Goat, and you will live free from pain and torture!" his voice was distorted, as if he was not only speaking to Richard, but himself.

Thor turned to look at Loki, lowering the doctor with one arm; he tried to process what he had said. He approached his brother again, slowly. Loki was breathing heavily, eyes glazed over, seeing something that wasn't there. Richard rubbed his chest and silently motioned to the guards, who approached Thor, surprising him and holding him still. It didn't work of course, but it worked long enough for Richard to inject Loki with sedative again. Loki gasped when he felt the metal enter him, eyes snapping back into focus and swinging around to meet his arm, his face contorted in pure horror, and he felt the tendrils of sleep start to grab and pick at his mind. Thor ripped free of the men, throwing them down and running to the bed, almost knocking the doctor aside. He grabbed Loki's shoulders, "Fight it! Whatever you will see, fight it! Be strong!" he talked and talked to the slowly fainting man, only letting go when Richard put a hand on Thor's shoulder, "He's asleep, Thor, he'll be fine," he stated, before turning and exiting the room, the three bruised men grumbling behind him.

"No he won't."