Warning: this story was inspired by one specific season 8 spoiler that was released today, so it's not for those who want to stay completely spoiler-free.

It's also pure, unapologetic crack, with a generous helping of meta on the side. Therefore, please to be reading it with your tongue firmly in your cheek ;-)

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The Retcon in the Relative

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"Your MOTHER?" Brennan almost dropped the tibia she was examining. "What do you mean, your mother called? You told me your mother was dead!"

"I never said that!" Booth suddenly found a spot over her right shoulder very interesting – the lab sure had changed since he'd last been here. Well, it had been a while. "I just… insinuated."

"Heavily insinuated, I daresay!" Brennan carefully put the tibia down to make sure that the only bones she broke in the course of this conversation would be Booth's. "And you were so vague about it that I was hesitant to ask for details because I assumed talking about it was painful for you, and I would get yelled at for being insensitive again!"

"I never yelled at you for being insensitive! Chided you, maybe…"

"Don't change the topic, or I'm going to start chiding! Where on earth has she been all these years, and why is she only showing up now?"

Booth chose to stare at the tips of his shoes (yep, still those horrible ones) for a change. "I don't want to talk about it, Bones."

"You don't want to talk about it?" Brennan stepped away from the table to keep her precious bones (not Booth's) safe in case things got out of hand. "You don't want to talk about your personal life with me? After forcing every last detail about my own past out of me because I 'needed to open up'?" She took another step towards him, and Special Agent Seeley Booth, ex-sniper and alpha male extraordinaire, came very close to taking a hasty step back. He heroically resisted, of course (the fact that he was already leaning against the platform railing and had nowhere left to go had nothing to do with it, thank you very much). "We are in a committed sexual relationship, we share a residence, we have a child together, for god's sake – metaphorically speaking, of course –, and you refuse to talk to me about your mother? How would you like me to do some opening up on your cranium with a can opener?"

Another step; they were almost nose to nose now. In contrast to her flashing eyes, Brennan's voice was low and dangerously calm (under different circumstances, it would have been a huge turn-on, but this isn't that kind of fic) when she commanded, "Talk."

No way out, then. "She was in jail, okay? And I never told anyone because how the hell would that look on a guy who's in law enforcement? But now she's getting out, and she called me and told me she wants to meet me! I haven't visited her in thirty years, you'd think she'd get the hint!"

Brennan's eyes narrowed. "Maybe she heard that you made me reconcile with my convicted felon of a parent?"

Damn, he'd walked straight into that one. "Your father never killed –" Oh wait…

"She's in jail because she killed someone? Who?"

"My grandmother, okay?" Booth had had enough of the third degree. "Pops told me she and Nana Booth got into a fight over a cake recipe for my tenth birthday, and my mother hit her over the head with a rolling pin! Why do you think I only eat pie? I'm traumatized here, Bones!"

"Oh." To Booth's great relief, Brennan seemed to relent a little. "Is that why you never mentioned your grandmother either?"

Booth huffed. "Yeah, rub it in, will you? Do you think it's easy to deal with the fact that your mom brained your grandma with a cooking utensil? Don't you have a shred of empathy, woman?"

"I'll have to ask Angela about that. Excuse me for a moment…"

Booth stared after her; he didn't remember that they had an audience until Hodgins spoke up at his elbow.

"Your mom, huh?" He threw a wary glance at Brennan's retreating form and added under his breath, "I just hope she doesn't ask Angela what happened to hers."

Booth gave him a puzzled look. "I thought I'd heard somewhere that Angela's mother is in England?"

Hodgins gave him a sympathetic pat on the back. "You do know what they mean when they say that, no?"

Booth blanched. "Oh shit."

Hodgins winked at him. "Yup, pretty much."