Chapter 16
"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."
Jim Morrison
It still disturbed Sherlock that Molly hadn't not looked up at him but continued on telling her how he too had been through abuse and how it had shaped how he had lived his life up until. Now.
His words had finally started to reach Molly, his Molly. She understood that her was another damaged soul and he was trying his best to help her find her way back. When he talked about THE SHAME, THE OVERRIDING ANGER AND THE NEED FOR CLOSURE(of any kind) she squeezed his hand again. It was the only response she could give.
This time when he looked back up, molly was looking right at him. Her eyes were still alternating between aware and not. He gave her hands a quick squeeze back. "I know you are in there Molly...keep fighting." then he continued.
He surprised even himself. He found himself talking about his time dismantling Moriarty's network. The dangers he faced. What he had to do to get it all over with. He even admitted how alone he had felt (john would have been surprised and proud about that). He talked about how first John, then "the Fall" had even changed him more. He talked about how the past week had brought even more changes to him. He talked about he and Croft were trying to meet on common ground and rebuild their relationship. He even told her about the arrangement with John about the whole "sentiment issue."
The longer he talked, the quieter the voices in her head became. Molly, his Molly, DR Molly Hooper, was fighting for her freedom. The automaton that had her body was a childhood construct to protect her inner self from any more damage... it held all the pain, horror, anger and disappointment of her family. It would go away only when she felt safe. Only how was she going to get it to go away this time? Mike was out there waiting for her to just slip up and make a mistake. She, who had the brilliant Sherlock Holmes on speed dial, couldn't ask him for help. She couldn't even tell him what was going on., but she heard everything he said. Even though she was locked in her own head. She still loved him and hearing what he had been through and had shaped him, it broke her heart. The zombie cried silent tears. When one fell onto Sherlock's hand he stopped. Molly wasn't looking up so Sherlock gently raised her face with a finger under her chin.
The tears had made tracts down her cheeks and her eyes kept switching again between aware and being...other. He swallowed the hope he felt(he knew how dangerous that sentiment was) and whispered "Molly...?" and for one moment her gaze sharpened and Molly was back then she was gone again.
Molly screamed she all most had it. Then the fear had swamped her and Zombie had reasserted itself.
Seeing that spark of intelligence (he had seen it hadn't he) even for a moment kept Sherlock talking. Until he noticed that Molly had drifted off . When he tried to release her hand. Her grip tightened on his. Thinking about it , he gently lifted her out of the chair and carried her into his room. He laid her down on his bed and gently pried his hand out of hers. Molly seemed to become agitated when his hand had left hers. He watched her for another minute then walked around and settled onto the other side of the bed. He reached for her hand and wrapped his fingers around her smaller ones. Not planning on sleeping Sherlock's last thought was one of surprise as sleep claimed him.