Chapter 20
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
tenth avenue fourth – healing begins
Authors note warning for triggers about abuse, please read with care, I don't want to trigger flashback for anyone. This chapter is molly's life and partially my own and hopefully we both will start to heal after the demons have been exorcised.
Then she closed her mouth again. Every protective instinct told her not to do this but she had to. If she ever wanted to have peace she had to. She looked down at her hands still being held by these dear dear men. When she looked back up she smiled at both of them with all her love showing and gently pulled her hands away. She grabbed her pack and lit a smoke up after the first drag she truly started her story.
I couldn't tell you the moment it started for me. It seemed that it began before we were ever born. To hear my mother talk about her pregnancy with us we were fighting from the moment we were conceived. My earliest memories are of pain. At the age of 2 he stabbed me in the hand with a steak knife. Then the next memory is of Him shoving me down a flight of stairs at the age of 4, dislocating my hip and the week after wards that I was made to walk on it because my parents didn't believe me. That was the start of it all. the next incident was when I was five, the painful descent into deafness. I lost a good deal of skin because I didn't answer them and was punished for it. I also lost 95 % of my hearing before they took me to a doctor and found out I was telling the truth. Well thought Sherlock that explains why she cocks her head to one side sometimes and why he stares at peoples mouths. She is lip reading as a back up to her hearing. He just nodded his head and she continued.
The next thing to happen was when he crushed my hand in a closet door, it required 20 stitches to close the gash, but i was the one who got in trouble for disrupting their party. By the time I was eight I felt that my brother hated me and my parents really didn't care about me either. I hid in the closet to get away from him away from him randomly hitting me spending time playing in the dark with only a flashlight to break it.. I only could escape him at school, my few friends houses and summer church camp. I by the time it really started I was desperate to feel like I was loved. Molly paused in her narrative angry with her self for the desperation of any crumb of affection that her parents and her brother gave her. She looked at Sherlock, how history had repeated it self there.
I can't help feel that I caused it. She held up her hands to stop their protests. If I hadn't been following him around like a moon struck calf maybe he wouldn't have done what he did. But history can not be rewritten no matter how you wish it were so.
Molly's agitation at her own words got to be too much, so she stood up and started pacing the flat. Her boys could only watch as she battled with the words that were coming next.
It was late at night when it first happened. We were up past bedtime watching some crap movie on the telly. I was stretched out on the couch enjoying it. When he walked over and said move over. Not sure what he was up to I complied. He settled in behind me and turned the channel to one of those adult ones. I groused at him that I had been watching that and he said it was boring and this show was much more interesting.
Molly paused again and lit up another smoke. She ran her hand through her hair and refused to make eye contact with either of them. She went to the window and smoked and after it was done went and sat back down with the boys. John just looked at her and asked if she would like some tea.
"oh god yes that would be lovely, John." John went into the kitchen and busied him self with that and left the two of them alone. Molly looked over at Sherlock. He had his eyes closed but still knew when her gaze was on him. He opened his eyes and looked at her closely. Hands twisting, bottom lip all most bloody, eyes sad so sad. At her eyes Sherlock felt his heart actually ache for her.(no much for the theory that he didn't have one. It had been dis proven time and time again) sensing the next part was going to be the hardest. He reached out his hand, holding it there for to take. His offer of support. Molly still surprised at this more understanding Sherlock reached out and intertwined their fingers. He had to lean in to hear her next words. "don't hate me when this is over."
"never my dear Molly. I told you once you counted and that you all ways had. Your story is not going to change how I feel about you in the slightest bit." he squeezed her hand "continue..."
Molly's heart had sputtered at the endearment(down girl) and so braced by his words she continued.
As the show, no porno, had went on. Mike had explained that what they were seeing was how people expressed love and affection to each other. I had never seen anything like that before being only 8. but my body had all ready started puberty and I felt something...
watching the telly.
What I found out later was that Mike had all ready learned about sex and had lost his virginity to some 13 year old girl. And here I was breasts way to big for my frame following him around like a fool.
Well he kept talking to me about how that what I was seeing was affection and he started to touch me like they were on the show. Asking if I wanted affection from him like that. By then I would have agreed to anything to feel loved and here he was offering to give what I so wanted to me. So he stripped me down and got back upon the couch on top of me. He old me to open my legs and he rubbed himself on me. I wish I could say it felt awful but it didn't. Then he pushed himself into me. I bit my tongue to keep from crying out. I felt invaded and he just whispered how he loved it and how I felt so good to him, then he started to move. It didn't take him long to finish and once done. He curled up around me mumbling how he loved me like this. It was the first time I felt that he did love me. A sob broke from Molly at that. Tears streamed from her eyes. The shame of what she had to say next ate at her. She looked up half way expecting a look of pity on Sherlock's face but what she saw warmed her heart. Sherlock was crying tears had ran down his cheeks and he seemed not to even noticed them. She wanted to just throw herself into his arms and cry for the girl she had been. She didn't. The time for that would be after this part of the nightmare was over.
It continued for four years, till I was twelve. He was still hateful and hurtful but I still let him show that he did "love me" when ever he wanted. He liked to sneak into my room at night waking me up by saying "time to play." and I let him do whatever he wanted because it made me feel good, real good. And it told me he loved me. It even got to the point he with held it from me as punishment and I sought him out and instigated it. At this point john had come back in with the tea but Molly's stomach had rebelled she lurched out of the chair and ran to the loo. Her breakfast came back up in waves. John went to see if he could help and Sherlock grabbed a smoke and lit up. He walked to the window and just stared out into nothing. To feel so unloved to be willing to submit to that how awful. At least he had his Mum and Croft growing up, Molly had no one.
After catching her breath and brushing her teeth she went back out into the room. She quietly sat down and sipped on her tea to soothe her throat.
Sherlock and john both walked back to her and st down. He cleared his throat. "and you say this continued till you were 12?" and her nod he pressed on. "so what changed you stopped it at age 12, so what changed?"
I met the first man who would change my life. Mr. Henry Douglas. My clarinet instructor. He gave me my first taste of true acceptance as well as giving me the gift of music. I met him when I was 10 when he came to sign students up for orchestra. In the next 2 years I practiced till my mouth bled. He all ways encouraged me and believed in me. Under him I started to believe in myself. The last time mike tried to show me affection he tried to force me to do oral sex on him, and it was like a light went off. I saw what he had been doing to me and how that was not how it should be. I fought him off and told him to stop to never touch me again and that I would tell Mummy and Daddy. He just laughed and said for me to go ahead they would never believe me and he was right. They never did.