Part 3. Ianto.

Moving was still decidedly uncomfortable even with what the hospital had done to speed up healing and a recent dose of painkillers. The sight of Jack kneeling on the floor, his shoulders shaking with barely contained sobs was more than Ianto could bear.

Holding one hand against his aching chest, Ianto got unsteadily out of bed and went to kneel beside Jack. He felt exhausted from the effort, the medic's recommendation little more than an hour before that he should rest felt all the more sensible.

He'd let Jack and the Doctor have those few uninterrupted moments, knowing that Jack and most likely the Doctor too needed that time to say goodbye. He'd not realised though that the Doctor had been thinking of this in terms of possibly being a final goodbye.

Shaking as badly as Jack was, Ianto put an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sure he'll be all right."

Jack sniffed wetly and swallowed back tears before looking him. "It's really you." He ran a finger down the faint mark on Ianto's cheek where debris from the exploding Hub had cut it months before. "You look..."

"Awful." Ianto gave him an exhausted smile. "You can say it. You really can't get a decent suit out here."

Jack took a shaky breath, his fingers moving from Ianto's cheek to thread through his hair. "So how are you feeling? Or is that a stupid question?"

"Sore, cold, tired." Ianto rested his head against Jack's shoulder with a grateful sigh. "More relieved and happier than I think I've ever been in my entire life."

"So how did he do it?" Jack asked, moving slightly so that he could put an arm around Ianto. "He said it was a fixed point."

"Thames House was and apparently so was you leaving Earth, but I think the rest was a bit more fluid. He didn't give me all the details, but basically he drugged me with something so I didn't die, it just looked like I did," Ianto said quietly, closing his eyes, images that he'd rather block out springing unbidden up behind them. "I still remember all of it, you know. I remember you holding me and knowing I was going to die. That you begged them...That it hurt."

"Oh Ianto," Jack held him tighter. "I'm so sorry, I should have never taken you there. I..." He loosened his grip as Ianto gave a small gasp of pain, and there was undisguised panic in Jack's voice as he asked, "What's wrong? Ianto, please, no, not again."

"I'm all right. I'm just sore. " Ianto forced himself to take slow breaths, until discomfort started to ease again. "New lungs. They had to freeze me while they grew me some new ones out of a piece of was left of my old ones." Ianto shivered and Jack carefully put his arms back around him. The memories of waking up alone, in pain and somewhere utterly alien and of the two weeks afterwards while he struggled with the side effects of the cryogenic stasis – something to which he was apparently very ill suited - were ones that he was sure would give him nightmares for years to come. It wasn't the time to be sharing such thoughts and Ianto forced a smile, hoping Jack would assume that physical discomfort was behind why it wavered. "Don't worry, a couple more weeks and I should be fine."

"You should be in bed," Jack said, carefully helping Ianto to his feet.

Leaning against him, Ianto laughed then winced, pressing a hand against his aching chest. "You don't change."

"I have," Jack said quietly, as they slowly walked the few steps to the bed. "I'm not the person I was. Those days in Thames House, part of me died there and it's never coming back."

Shocked at how disconnected Jack sounded, Ianto fell back against the stack of pillows as he lay down on the bed. "How long has it been since I...since then?"

Jack sat down on the edge of the bed, his hands clasped in his lap, looking like he was fighting the urge to run or maybe just scream at the horror of it. "About eight months."

"Did anyone else..." Ianto asked, dreading the answer, but knowing that he wouldn't be able to rest until he got the answer however terrible it might be. "We did stop them, didn't we?"

"We stopped them and Gwen's fine. So is Rhys. They'll be parents by now I should think." Jack managed a watery smile. "She looked as big as a house last time I saw her."

"But someone did," Ianto said softly, putting his arm about him, although whether it was for Jack's comfort or his own, he couldn't begin to say. "Didn't they? You're not like this just because of me, there's something else. Just tell me, I'm only going to think the worst if you don't. It's not Martha is it?"

"No. My grandson," Jack said his voice thick with tears. "I had to send a signal to stop them, it needed a child's brainwaves to send it through. There wasn't another there, so I used Steven. That was his name you know. Now he's dead and it's all my fault." Jack turned a tear streaked face to him. "I killed him."

"Oh god." Ianto froze. He couldn't imagine what it must have cost Jack to do that, the guilt that must have been consuming for months.

Jack pulled away, a near hysterical sob shaking him. Sitting hunched over on the far end of the bed, he said, "You were right about me, I'm every bit the monster you once said I was, aren't I? I don't deserve to have you back. "

"I rather like being back given what the other option is," Ianto said faintly, feeling like he was drowning in a sea of conflicting emotions. Anger at the world that Jack had been forced in that situation, disappointment in Jack for doing what he had, revulsion at the part of himself that says one child versus the lives of millions was the only call Jack could have made and fear that Jack won't ever be able move past this, that they've lost forever what they'd had together. Not entirely successful in pushing down his own insecurities, his voice cracked as he asked, "Was there any other way?"

"I don't know. I've played it over and over in my mind and I can't find one, but...I should have, somehow I should have." Jack seemed to crumple in on himself. "He screamed you know, and I hear it, over and over."

"Don't tell me this," Ianto said feeling sick with fear at what he might hear next as he fought the urge to put his fingers in his ears and block it all out. He wiped his hand across his eyes, wishing he didn't feel so wretched and weak. "Jack, I can't...please, just come here."

Jack looked at him, eyes wet and red, before nodding. Then still fully dressed he laid down on the bed next to him. Shivering, he curled on his side and buried his face against the stack of pillows close to Ianto's shoulder.

Ianto doubted there were any words of comfort that he could say, even if he could think of anything that would make a difference. He settled instead for stroking his fingers through Jack's hair, trying to let him know that he wasn't alone. He wondered if he'd let anybody comfort him. He wanted to think that he would have at least talked to Gwen, maybe Martha as well, but he doubted it.

Slowly Jack's breathing evened out until Ianto knew that he'd fallen asleep. Exhausted, he finally closed his own eyes.

x0x0x

The room was dark apart from the city lights outside spilling in through the un-curtained windows when Ianto woke. His chest ached appallingly and he reached for his pills and glass of water on the bedside table.

Jack stirred beside him, his voice still drowsy, as he said, "It wasn't a dream. You're really here. Or am I mad?"

"I'm here, nowhere else I rather be," Ianto replied, before quickly taking the tablets. He knew it would take a few minutes for them to work, and he had no intention of moving until they had. Putting the glass back down, he asked, "So what do we do now?"

"Now?" Jack said, sounding like he'd never actually considered it, hadn't made any plans for the future. He rolled onto this back and stared up at the darkened ceiling. "I could go find you something to eat if you're hungry."

"I mean are we going back to Cardiff?" Ianto asked, watching the play of lights from outside across Jack's face. "Can we even get back?"

"Yes." Jack absently rubbed his hand over his vortex manipulator. "But I can't, not yet. I can't face it."

It's honest, which more than Ianto had expected. He'd thought there would be excuses, Jack shooting off reasons why they can't without ever giving anything away about how he knows it. It was unsettling in an ill-defined way to find Jack so changed. Ianto sighed and then said softly, "We'll have to go back eventually, we can't let Gwen deal with everything alone. We've got to rebuild. We can't leave the Earth without Torchwood."

"Why not? Haven't you given enough?" Jack said angrily, getting off the bed and going to stand by the window. "You died or near as damn it. Why go back to that? Why risk your life again? You give me one good reason."

It was a good question and one to which there was either many answers or just one. So much for resting, Ianto thought, then taking as deep a breath as his healing chest would allow, he got back out of bed and followed Jack to the window.

Jack looked guiltily at him, sorry that he'd got him up.

"You want an answer? It's because it's who I am." Ianto placed his hand over Jack's heart. "And you know that, because you know me. And it's who you are too. I'm not saying that we can't take time to heal. We need that, you more than me probably, but then we've got to go back and we've got to keep fighting."

"I don't know if I can," Jack said weakly, unable to look at him. "I feel like I've been fighting my whole damn life. I've been leading people, trying to make a difference, but they all still die. I can't make those kinds of decisions, Ianto, I just don't trust myself anymore."

"Then don't." It was wearier and harsher than Ianto had intended, but his chest hurt and the couple of hours sleep he'd managed hadn't done much to alleviate the tiredness from the journey from the hospital to the hotel.

"You really think it's that simple?" Jack asked sounding rather hurt at his tone.

"No." Ianto stepped in closer, leaning against Jack for support, his legs starting to feel like jelly again. "I think it's going be hard, but we've faced worse and come out still standing. Let Gwen run the team if it's what she wants or I'll do it if she doesn't. You can tell us what the aliens are and explain all the weird and wonderful technology. You can still go out in the field if you want..."

"Hey, steady." Jack carefully put an arm about Ianto as he swayed on his feet.

"Thank you. I think I should probably sit down for a while," Ianto said closing his eyes, grateful that he's being held. "Otherwise I might just fall over."

They sat on the edge of the bed in silence watching the lights of the ships coming in to land at the space port and waiting for Ianto's medication to start to work. After a few minutes Jack took the tickets that Alonso had handed him out of his coat pocket and laid them on the bed. Eight weeks all expenses paid cruise about a starliner.

Ianto looked down at them wondering just what Jack had been doing before he'd come to the hotel. "Should I ask why you have two of those?"

"They were a present from the Doctor for us. So what do you say?" Jack asked hopefully, taking Ianto's hands in his. "Me and you out amongst the stars."

Ianto remembered what the Doctor had said before he left. Time to live and love and heal. More than anything that's what they needed right now. "I'd like that." He leaned in closer to Jack, one hand curling about the back of his neck.

Jack smiled, the first real bright smile Ianto had seen since their reunion, and then kissed him.

With a sigh of relief Ianto relaxed. He knew things still weren't going to be easy. They'd both got their nightmares and Jack's grief and guilt wasn't just going to miraculously disappear from a few kisses and the distraction of a holiday. But they were together and they were alive, and as long as they had that Ianto knew there was hope for them and for a better future together.