Keep That Chin Up, You'll Be Alright:

After I returned to my room, I let my towel drop to the floor because I realized that I must have let the water get too hot while I was in the shower and now no amount of fabric softener could make that piece of terry cloth feel comfortable. My skin was overly red and raw, but that could have also been attributed to the fact that I had used up a whole container of body scrub that Toby had bought me earlier in the year for Mother's Day, back before I had Castiel wipe away his memories of that fact, to try to clean the grim of this last fight off my body.

I stood in front of the vanity, completely naked, triple checking that my skin and hair were actually clean. Since we got back to Bobby's I couldn't shake the feeling that I still had blood or that weird black ooze that Castiel's body was secreting all over my hair and skin talk from when that thing in Castiel's body was petting my hair during its taunting rambling directed at Dean. Even after my third shower I still felt like I should jump in for a fourth.

The door to the bedroom opening caused a cold gust of wind to hit my back making me jump in my spot a little. I turned around to see who it was, completely forgetting my lack of clothing. Dean stared at me wide eyed for a moment, but I was just too stunned to see him upstairs to even attempt to move. Dean quickly closed the door then took a step forward and picked my towel up off the bed as he got closer to me. Suddenly I felt really shy, so I hugged my arms around my chest. Dean moved to wrap the towel around me, but ended up dropping it on the floor instead. He then gently touched my abdomen and my skin immediately turned to goose flesh.

"You… You still have the scar from the… The chisel…" he commented sounding completely astonished.

I started to shiver while he stroked the scar tenderly as I answered, "I asked him to leave it as a reminder to be grateful for everyday that I'm alive."

He nodded then picked up the towel and started to wrap it around my shoulders. I release the tight grip I had on my upper body to take the towel and Dean caught a glimpse of the four matching scars that wrapped around my wrists horizontally. Dean grabbed both of my hands, unintentionally causing both of us to let go of the towel so it slipped slowly off my body.

"Lay…? These aren't… You didn't…?" He asked as he caressed the scars with his thumbs.

I gingerly extracted my hands out of his hold and took a step backwards explaining, "No… It's nothing like that I… I saw the black smoke and… And I freaked out and tried to get out of my restraints… I kind of… Umm… Rubbed my wrists raw trying to get away so Sydney couldn't possess me…"

"I… I didn't know you… I mean… I don't remember seeing them before," he admitted just barely over a whisper.

My right hand unconsciously went to the sizeable scar on my stomach then I laughed nervously. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we were all more focused on something else at the time."

His eyes followed my hand as I moved it to my stomach and then they focused from the scar to my hand. He then reached out slowly and touched a small cut on my knuckle observing, "That looks new."

I hid my hand behind my back and chuckled softly trying to keep from invoking too many horrible memories of how I got that cut. "Yeah… You have a pretty hard head."

"And you have one hell of a right cross," he countered with a gentle tease as he raised his hand to his cheek.

We stood there in silence for a second and then I once again became acutely aware that I was completely naked. When I quickly turned away and snatched up a robe, I finally seemed to have broken the trance that we both seemed to be under for the last little while. Dean turned around abruptly, muttering an apology as a bright pink blush spread across his skin.

The terry cloth of the robe felt scratchy against my still sensitive skin, but I tried to ignore the pain because it was the best that I could do to stay covered right now. When I heard Dean take a couple of steps towards the door, I quickly turned around and almost called out to him, but stopped when I realized that he wasn't moving to leave the room. He was actually just trying to give me some space by sitting down on the bed. I stared at his back and stood there awkwardly trying to figure out what my next move should be.

"What did Sydney see that made him think that you did have umm…? Uhh… With Dad and all?" Dean asked meekly. "You know, what memory did he see?"

I started to pick at the sleeves of my robe and sat down on a chair facing Dean's back. He had his hands folded in his lap and he looked like he was forcing his breathing to remain steady. I pulled my feet up and hugged my knees to my chest as I watched him start to look over his shoulder before snapping his head back to stare at the wall in front of him.

"John and I… We worked a job together… Umm… This one was back when you first picked up Sam from school…" I explained to the back of his head.

He turned to look at me while I was talking and suddenly my throat went completely dry which impeded my ability to speak. I couldn't bear to watch him watching me, so I quickly stood up and turned my back to him as I continued, "For the job I… I… Uhh… I dress up to look pretty much like a hooker so that I could be our bait for the creep…" I stole a glance at him in the vanity's mirror, but when our eyes met I had to look away because I felt myself losing my nerve again. "We… Umm… Had to… Flush him out… So we had to be creative… Umm… And I kind of came up with a plan… Then after everything was done... I kind of took something that he said out of context… Because we had gotten pretty close after I told him about why I was hunting on my own… And the guys at the pub we were at that night had bought me… Us… A uhh bunch of rounds while we were there so… So I was pretty tipsy… Not that that's an excuse but with all of that together I… I tried to uhh… To seduce him."

I tried to stand as still as I could because when I walked the robe would rub against my skin uncomfortably. Now that I was still, I noticed that it wasn't the walking that had caused my discomfort. For some inexplicable reason I was shivering which was making my skin feel really tight and the robe felt like fine grit sandpaper was rubbing against every inch of my body that it covered. I turned my eyes up to the mirror again and bit my lip so hard it almost bled when I saw the confused look on Dean's face.

"Tried?" He asked hoarsely once the silence in the room became too much to bear. "Not that I… But I do… Umm… Why didn't…?"

I swallowed hard and whispered as I turned to face him (but didn't make eye contact), "Because of you… And Toby…"

"Me?"

"Yeah," I replied staring at my hands. "Because of who that made me to him." I looked up at him and Dean looked like he was trying (but failing) to understand what I was attempting to explain. The more I spoke, the more I felt uneasy, so I sat back down and continued telling the tale to my hands and lap. "See Dean… I was in a really weird frame of mind back then… I was still having… Trying to prove myself to everyone and… Well John and Bobby were Mum's only contacts that were willing to umm… Put up with me… And now I'm pretty sure that John only did because of Toby… To make sure I didn't get myself killed… So yeah… Umm… That night… To me, in my mind… He was just 'John' and not 'John Winchester: Dean's Dad'… I don't really know why… But for him… I was always, no matter what I did, 'Addy Jones: Mother of his only grandchild'…"

"Oh…" He replied deep in his own thoughts. "Because I was sort of wondering about your relationship with him after remembering that note you wrote… You know that line: 'He was… Well I miss him.' I kind of thought that that meant that there was something more between you… And then you…" He paused to take in a few deep breaths then he clenched his jaw slightly as he continued, "You apologized for having inappropriate crushes and shit when you were… Uhh… Sick…"

I looked up at him to ask him my own confused sounding, "What? I don't re-remember that."

Dean sighed loudly, obviously not wanting to relive that experience again and then explained slowly, "Bobby touched your shoulder and it like burned both of you and then after he left you apologized for… Shit, how'd you put it…? 'Lusting' after other men… Then you kept telling me that you only ever wanted to be with me."

I took a second to try to figure out why I would have admitted something like that to him. When I finally did put two and two together, I laughed softly then replied, "Oh… Uhh… That… Umm… Well… Okay, but first you HAVE to promise that you won't interrupt or freak out until I've finished the whole explanation, okay?"

At hearing my ultimatum, Dean sat up straight and then skeptically agreed with a painfully slow and prolonged, "Oh-kay."

"Alright… Do you remember that job you worked in Montana a few years back when you met Gordon Walker?" I asked trying to keep myself from looking away from Dean. He just stared at me kind of blankly and didn't respond to my question, so I prodded gently asking, "Well?"

Dean shrugged then finally answered, "You said I couldn't interrupt, but yeah, I remember that job."

I breathed out a small sigh of relief then continued, "Well I was working it too… I got into town around the same time as you… I uhh… I hadn't realized that they were more like snuggly vampires, so I tried to find them at the regular haunts we check out, just like you guys did and I ended up picking up a guy at the bar… And then we went back to his motel room…" Dean was almost wringing his hands together, so I tried to hurry through the rest of my story. "So… Long story short… He wasn't a vampire… He was just a douchebag and he tried to force himself on me… So I broke his nose and took off as fast as I could… And then I literally ran into Sam's chest during my retreat… Of course at the time I didn't know who he was, but he was really nice to me and even checked my forehead to see how badly injured I was and… Umm… Because of that I kind of had a crush on him… For like… Well it didn't last long… And…"

"And…?" Dean questioned wide-eyed.

"Well… Since I did figure out who he was before I left the parking lot… Umm… God this is so embarrassing…" I turned my gaze back to my lap and pick at the belt of my robe. "Any time… Whenever I… Shit… AnytimeIdreamtabouthim… Umm… He always… Fuck… Uhh… Hemorphedintoyou."

Without lifting my head, I stole a glance at Dean's reaction. I wasn't sure what I was expecting to see, but the grin that spread across his face definitely took me by surprise.

"So you struck out with Dad because he brought me up and then…? Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong… You couldn't even fantasize about Sam when you sort of, kind of had a crush on him because he'd just turn into me…? Did I hear that right?"

Before answering I shot him a slightly amused glare and then replied, "Yeah, I guess that would be one way to put it… But after what happened earlier this year I'm guessing that it's probably got something to do with those lovely little brands that Cupid put on our hearts." We both fell silent again and just stared at our laps. After a couple of minutes I added with slight hesitation, "Which is why Crowley's comment truly was utterly and insanely ridiculous."

I slowly raised my head to see Dean nodding as he agreed, "Yeah, it is… When you know the whole story. But when you don't… The images that run through your head… They can be pretty disturbing."

A large lump formed in my throat and after a few hard swallows I managed to reply, "Oh… Right. I guess they could… I hadn't even considered that."

He nodded then stood up and tried to give me a hug, but I had to flinch away from his hold. He immediately took a large step back, so I tried to reach out and take his hand, but that movement hurt too much to complete as well.

"Dean! Don't… Shit!" I quickly exclaimed. "I think that I might have scrubbed like three layers of skin… So it fucking hurts like a son of a bitch when I move or touch it…"

He smiled softly then kissed the top of my head before saying, "Okay… Then you should make sure to take your time getting dressed."

Even if Dean hadn't offered that kind advice, I really didn't have a choice but to move slowly. As soon as I was alone, I threw my robe and checked my reflection in the mirror. Much to my relief, I hadn't actually removed more than the usual amount of dead or dried skin that one would chafe away with an exfoliating scrub, but I had managed to severely dry out my skin, which was the cause of my discomfort.

"Shit… I should have gotten Dean to pull out my lotion," I grumbled while I tried to search through my bag with as little movement as possible.

After applying one coat of lotion, I could move a bit easier. Once I had used up over half of the bottle's contents, I was able to get dressed and move without succumbing to any debilitating pain. I still tried to find my loosest fitting clothing to wear just in case the feeling got worse, but I ended up borrowing a couple of Dean's shirts instead of wearing my own. We seemed to be on fairly good terms now, so I might have also borrowed them to test the waters with him as well, but I wasn't going to admit that to anyone, least of all myself.

When I made it downstairs, Sam was finally awake and the tension in the room was palatable. Bobby was on his way downstairs to search through books and other things to try to find more about the creatures Castiel had unwittingly unleashed on Earth and the Winchester brothers remained in the study staring at each other. The youngest in the room looked a bit shaken up while the eldest had what could only be described as his everyday look, otherwise known as a permanent scowl, on his face while he sipped at yet another glass of whiskey.

Sam's face softened considerably once I entered the room and he pointedly changed whatever subject he and his brother had been discussing before my intrusion by playfully teasing me. "Nice shirt Addy."

Dean looked over as I rolled the sleeves of the flannel shirt I was wearing up to my elbows and opened his mouth to make what I could only assume would be an annoyed comment, but I quickly said, "Yeah… I couldn't find anything of mine loose enough to actually move in without wanting to burst into tears… Or rip my hair out from the pain." Sam's grin immediately faded as I turned to Dean and worriedly asked, "You don't mind do you? I can go back up and…"

"It's fine," Dean replied over my quiet concern. "Just don't make it smell too much like a girl, okay?"

"Would pie be too girly?" I countered as I lifted Dean's glass to my lips.

Both of the Winchesters just stared at me dumbly, so I continued into the kitchen to start my work. Sam recovered first and beamed at the positive shift in our interaction. Dean remained frozen in his place until he tried to take a drink from his now empty glass.

"Wait…! No! Lay! Lay! Pie would be fine!" He finally shouted in reply before glaring at his brother. "You had better be laughing at some lame ass joke Satan just made."

Sam shot his brother his best wounded, you just kicked my puppy for no reason, look then tried to shoot back his own confident retort, "Hey don't get all testy with me just because talking about Addy's homemade pie makes you sound like a babbling idiot."

While I prepared the pie, I had to remove the long sleeved shirt I was wearing because it not only made me way too warm to work; it also started to impede my movement because it really was too big for me. After the pie was in the oven, I started chopping some vegetables (meager as they were since Bobby had done the grocery shopping this week) and slicing some cheese in the hopes that we all, particularly Dean, would ingest something healthy. Even if it was just for today and if I had to use pie as a reward to get them to do so.

During the first calm tranquil moments in the house in what felt like ages, me shouting "SHIT!" had Dean and Bobby to their feet and in the kitchen in record time.

I had my back to the door while I cleaned my hand so Dean had to call out my name numerous times to get my attention. When I hear the worried voice, I looked over my shoulder and tried to flash him a bright smile.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's nothing major, I just sliced my finger," I explained as I jutted my chin towards the counter to my left. "I think only the last piece of cheese fell victim to my clumsiness."

Bobby came over to my left side to inspect the plate to see if the damage was as minimal as I thought. He smiled brightly as he popped a piece of carrot into his mouth and then replied, "Look like that's the only one we have to worry about. Why don't I get this cleaned up while Dean helps you out with that finger?"

I felt Dean start to wrap a protective arm around my waist, but before he could attempt to lead me out of the room, I stopped him and protested, "Really it's fine, I can take care of this on my own. It's no big… You stay, eat. I'll just run up, throw a Band-Aid on it and I'll be right back. It's not that bad, I swear."

Dean gently brushed some hair off my face saying, "It sounded really bad."

I smile guiltily then explained, "That was more out of frustration… Seriously I can use a machete to slice off a vampire's head without a scratch, but I can't chop veggies and cheese without needing stitches? Not that I do now… Just… You know… Honest, you eat… I'll be right back."

Since I had already cleaned the wound, all that I did need to do was throw on a bandage and it really wasn't anything to be concerned about. Once that was done, I groaned out loud to myself but tried to make sure that it wasn't so loud that I would alert Dean, Bobby or Sam's 'spidey sense' to me being in pain because although the cut was negligible, I had inadvertently used Dean's shirt to stem the flow of blood when I initially cut myself. I quickly locked the door then slipped the shirt over my head to wash it in the sink before the blood could set into a stain.

"She's wearing your shirt and baking you a pie?" Bobby asked not trying to hide his bewilderment.

Dean refilled their drinks then sat with Bobby in the study and replied, "Yeah… We talked and she explained everything… And yeah we…"

"And you finally listened?" Bobby pointedly questioned to get Dean to focus.

"Yes Bobby. Like I said, we talked, alright?" Bobby nodded then after downing the rest of his drink, Dean turned to Bobby saying, "She had Castiel leave behind her scars from when she was possessed by… Uhh… Sydney. Did… Did you know about that?"

Bobby stopped mid-bite then shook his head. "No, but I can't say that it surprises me in any way." Dean shot Bobby a confused look, so Bobby further explained, "Think about who we're talking about here Son. She's more like you than either of you will ever admit. She'll keep that as a reminder of what you and Toby saw and heard that day. It's kind of her way of wearing her guilt on her sleeve. She wants to have a reminder that she needs to be stronger."

"Bobby…!" Dean nearly shouted to try to scold the hunter.

"What Dean? I ain't saying it's right, but go take a good long look at her… And I mean really look. I bet… Correction… I KNOW that you'll find precisely four other scars on her body… One's from before Raphael pulled her out," Bobby explained.

"From before…? But when I got back, I didn't have any trace of any of my old wounds. Why would Raphael only leave some of hers behind?" Dean questioned sounding completely perplexed.

Bobby shook his head then answered with a soft chuckle, "He did it because Addy would have asked him to put them back… Because each one has a special meaning to her."

Dean narrowed his eyes before skeptically commenting, "And you're sounding like you know where each one would be too."

"Yep," Bobby replied simply before finishing his drink. When Dean gave him a hard, 'don't hold back on me' stare, Bobby quickly said, "Collarbone, lower back, left shin, and back of her right thigh." Dean looked sort of stunned and then he looked like he was going to ask a question but Bobby quickly added, "And no, I ain't gonna tell you why she'd want to keep those ones. You can ask her yourself if you haven't figured it out already."

Dean stood up and put his empty glass down on Bobby's desk announcing, "I think I'll do just that. Excuse me."

I easily washed the blood out of Dean's shirt and had it hanging in the room before he made it upstairs. I was still trying to find a suitable replacement when he came in and gently placed a hand on my lower back.

"Damn, he was right," Dean commented to himself as I turned to face him in a semi-shocked silence. He started traced the scarred flesh on my collarbone from the vampire bite I had received a couple of years ago as he observed, "When I came back… My skin was as smooth as the day I was born."

I took in a few excited breaths then sighed and answered with my eyes closed, "Oh yeah…? I didn't know that."

He leaned down and kissed my neck letting his hands fall to the small of my back. When his lips reached the scar at the base of my neck, he asked, "So where did you get this one?"

"You know that already… You were there…" I replied breathlessly.

"Humor me," he countered while he continued to nibble at my flesh because he knew from previous experience how much that would placate me.

"I go it… From when… I wasn't… Honest with Mo and… And Toby got… Kidnapped," I struggled to explain through bated breath.

Dean kneeled as he trailed his lips down to my stomach. He already knew my answer for why I had asked the angel that healed me to leave that scar, but he was now trusting even more in Bobby's explanation the more I spoke. I let myself get lost in the light-headed, euphoric feeling that Dean's touch elicited, so he continued while I tried to run my fingers through his hair.

He started stroking the healed claw marks on my back, using a feather light touch and looked up at me asking, "And these ones?"

I opened my eyes and almost told him that he knew that story too, but he instantly gave me a pleading look, so I answered sounding guilt-ridden, "They're from when I… I didn't pay attention and… And… A werewolf… Killed… Killed my Mum…"

Dean was starting to see the pattern that Bobby obviously already knew would exist. When he noticed that I wouldn't make eye contact, he sighed sadly but continued with his plan anyways. I almost protested when he slipped his hands under the elastic waistband of my yoga pants to start to remove them, but my objections got lost in my throat once his mouth found the sensitive spot on my collarbone again.

Once my pants were pooled around my ankles, Dean gently lifted my left leg up and wrapped it around his waist. He rested his cheek on my shoulder then questioned softly as he ran his fingertips under my knee and along the length of my shin, "When did you get this one?"

I held my breath to will away a sob before I replied, "Surgery after… From when I wasn't… Wasn't paying attention, got hit by a car and lost… Lost… Our baby girl."

Dean froze in my arms, so I let my hands slip off his shoulders so I could try to shy away from his embrace. He leaned back to look at me and help a tight grip on my left leg so that I couldn't move it off of his hip. Even though I once again had my eyes closed while silent tears fell down my cheeks, I could feel Dean looking at me and instinctively knew that he a sad look in his eye.

"Lay… That wasn't your fault," he said tenderly as he tried to dry my cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt. "Hey come on, open your eyes. Please? Please look at me?" I kept my eyes closed and shook my head until he released my leg to take my head in both of his hands. "None of that was your fault."

"Yes it was," I whispered, eyes still squeezed tightly closed. "If I was stronger… Better…"

Dean leaned in and kissed me then whispered in my ear, "You're perfect."

I shook my head, emphatically replying, "No, no I'm far from perfect."

We stood there in silence while he continued to blot away the moisture on my cheeks as he realized that he wasn't going to be able to convince me not to believe that I had been the cause of those horrific events… At least not yet, so he went back to his first plan of action. He then lifted my right leg out of nowhere, so I quickly grabbed at the wall behind me to regain my balance and keep myself form falling. I finally opened my eyes when I felt him fall to his knees again and gently placed my leg over his shoulder. As he ran his knuckles over the back of my thigh, I swallowed hard and focused on the ceiling, hoping that I wouldn't have to explain that injury to him as well.

"Come on Lay, you know that I don't know the story behind that one," he stated as he lowered my leg and kissed my hip.

When I didn't reply, he sat back, still on his knees and looked up to my face. I bit my lip while trying to find the words to explain before I slowly said, "I umm… A demon… It got out of the Devil's Trap because… I… I jumped the gun and didn't let the paint dry… It… It impaled me on a hook before I could finish questioning it… S-someone died because I was impatient… And couldn't get it to talk before it got away."

"Lay…" He sighed sadly as he stood up. "All of these…? You asked him to put them back?"

I nodded as I chewed my bottom lip, not wanting him to see it quiver under the next impending onslaught of tears. Dean then gently gripped my upper right arm and asked, "Why not this one? You almost died stopping that vampire."

Again I shook my head as I answered, "You stopped it… I… I didn't do anything but get hurt… It… I don't matter…"

He ran his fingers through my hair then kissed me passionately to stifle my speech. "You matter Lay… You've helped so many people… Don't ever forget that."

Before I could attempt to reply, his lips were on mine again. I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and relaxed into his embraces until I felt his hands slide down my ribcage to my hips. When Dean hooked his fingers under the legs of my panties, I gently pushed back on his shoulders.

Once he leaned back I protested saying, "Dean… No… You were right; we can't just make everything better with a kiss or sex." He stared at me and didn't speak so I continued, "We ignored each other for weeks… We can't… Shouldn't just jump in feet first… I need us to slow down."

Dean released me completely from his hold and took a step away looking wounded and confused. I quickly pulled on my pants and then grabbed the first shirt that I could reach out of my duffle bag. Dean turned away while I dressed then stood a few feet away from me with his back facing me.

"Dean…?" I asked softly while tentatively touching his shoulder.

He quickly wiped his cheek with his left hand then answered, "Okay… Yeah… You might have a point. I'll leave you alone."

Before I could clarify that that wasn't what I wanted, he hurriedly left the room. I stumbled over my feet slightly and sat down at the table and stared at the door, mentally kicking myself for letting things get that far when I had so many reservations. Now Dean was probably thinking that I was punishing him and I couldn't totally convince myself that I wasn't.

Bobby was in the kitchen, tending to the now forgotten pie, when Dean retrieved a beer from the fridge and slammed the door shut. He watched Dean out of the corner of his eye as the younger male paced around the kitchen. Dean walked over to the doorway to give the stairs a long, lingering look, but then he just returned to the kitchen and got himself another beer.

"Everything alright with you?" Bobby finally asked as he cut into the pie.

Dean dropped his weight onto a chair as he answered, "Yeah, I'm fine… But Lay… That girl has got a screw loose of something. Seriously…? She blames herself for all of those deaths and kidnappings? She must be cracked."

"Right because she's the only one that does that," Bobby replied not hiding his sarcasm or looking over at Dean.

When Bobby finally moved to the table, Dean shook his head to decline the piece of pie that Bobby was trying to hand to him. Bobby placed both plates on the table, stilled Dean's hand and forced the younger hunter to lower his beer bottle. "What happened up there Son? And don't you dare try to tell me it's was nothing because I ain't ever seen you say 'No' to pie… Not even when you had strep throat."

"It really is nothing," Dean tried to answer evasively.

"It ain't noting," Bobby asserted almost angrily. "I was serious before when I told you that I'm sick and tired of the bullshit that's been going on around here lately between…"

"She told me she wants to take it slow," Dean jumped in wanting just to move on from this topic. "When I tried… She shot me down like she did when she was sixteen."

"Oh Dean…" Bobby commented sadly.

"Okay, now what do you know that I don't?"

Bobby sat down at the table then steadied himself by taking a deep breath. "Son, you went up there and you stripped her bare…" Bobby waved his hand to silence any of Dean's impending commentary as he clarified, "Metaphorically Dean… You got her to tell you about things that she's been keeping from all of us, even herself to a degree, and then… While she was at her worst, her rawest, you got to be the strong confident one when you tried to be intimate with her."

"And?" Dean prodded, not following Bobby's logic.

"And Dean, after what's been going on here since we got back after… Well you know… She's gotta know that she ain't been the only one that's been hurting. You see what I mean?"

Dean nodded then stood up to make his way to the back door answering, "Yeah, I think I do… But I think she's right, I need to step back a bit… Clear my head."

At the door Dean suddenly paused then asked, "The scar on her right leg, she said that someone died because she couldn't get a demon to talk… Do you know when that happened? Who it was?"

"Crossroads demon… May 2nd, 2008," Bobby recited as if reading it out of a text book.

Dean's head whipped around so fast that he almost gave himself whiplash as he said, "That's when my deal came due."

Bobby nodded with a knowing smile and Dean just shook his head somewhat sadly saying, "I'll try to figure something out."

Some movement outside caught my attention, so I stood up to get a better look out the window. Dean was walking out to the garage and I could only assume it was to work on fine tuning the Impala. My stomach started to churn with my undeniable guilt, so I ran down the stairs to head out and try to talk with him and explain my rational.

Bobby was just placing his dirty dish into some soapy water when I got to the kitchen and I paused when I heard him shout, "Hey where's the fire Koala Bear?"

I looked over my shoulder then tried to reply but couldn't get the words out for some reason. Bobby walked over and took my hand to gently pull me away from the door saying, "Just give him a little time, okay?"

The look in Bobby's eye told me not to fight with him, so I held in my objections and instead replied, "I think that I've read every book upstairs at least five times… Do you have anything else that we need to go through?"

He nodded towards the study answering, "The pile by the couch. Sam and I were going to tackle those ones next."

I opened my mouth to say something else, but just bit my lip and then started towards the study. I stopped suddenly when I saw the half empty pie dish on the kitchen table. Bobby gave me a brief side hug then explained, "He ain't mad… He took his outside with him."

Dean finished his pie while trying to find a solution to the problem that Bobby had laid out for him. Nothing that he was coming up with seemed adequate, so he decided that a run into town might be in order. Maybe if he bought me a gift, maybe then I'd forgive him and I would believe that he was truly repentant. He climbed into the driver's seat flipping down the visor to retrieve his keys, but they didn't fall into his lap like they usually did, so he threw open the glove box to look for them there. It seemed to just be filled with everything, but the one thing that he was searching for, so he sat back in his seat to collect his thoughts and try to evoke any memory of where he last had his keys.

When he opened his eyes, he was confronted with the picture that Toby had left him of the two of us at my high school dance. He then let his eyes wander back to the open glove box and they landed on the one cassette tape that hadn't made it to the box with the rest of his collection. He carefully extracted it and without even having to reading Toby's handwritten inscription on it, he started smiling because he thought that he had come up with the perfect plan.

"Bobby! Bobby!" Dean called as he entered the house.

The older hunter walked slowly into the kitchen, book in hand silently asking Dean what the commotion was about. "Bobby! I got it… Uhh… Do you think that maybe you and uhh Sam could…?"

Bobby nodded towards Sam, who had hurried upstairs in response to his brother's yelling, and said, "I was going to head into town for a supply run… Sam why don't you give me a hand with it?" Sam agreed even though he wasn't sure why he and Bobby had to make themselves scarce. "I'll call in two hours… If you don't answer I'll either assume that you need more time or that she's finally gone and killed you."

Dean opened the door and entered slowly, so I pushed the book I was reading aside saying, "Hey."

He replied with a simple, "Hey" then walked over to me with a determined look on his face. I remained seated and watched him apprehensively while I waited for him to make the next move because I was afraid that I'd cause another misunderstanding and spook him.

As he took my hand in his, he quietly said, "More than angry words I hate this silence, it's getting so loud. Well I want to scream, but bitterness has silenced these emotions, it's getting hard to breathe." He laced our fingers together then turned my hand so that he could see my ring while he continued, "So tell me isn't happiness worth more than a gold and diamond ring?" He pulled my hand to his chest and held it there so I could feel the rapid beat of his heart. "I'm willing to do anything, to calm this storm in my heart. I've never been the praying kind…" He paused then kneeled down in front of me and held both of my hands in my lap. "But lately I've been down upon my knees, not looking for a miracle just a reason to believe…"

I thought that that was the end of his affirmation of love, so I opened my mouth to respond. He lifted a hand to my lips, so I took that as his way of asking me to let him finish and remained silent. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, laughed softly to himself and looked like he was trying to force himself to have the courage to say or do something else.

This time when he spoke, he actually found the melody of the song and started singing the lyrics instead of just reciting them. "Do you remember not long ago…? When we used to live for the night time? Cherish each moment? Now we don't live, we exist. We just run through our lives, so alone…" His voice broke slightly on the last high note as he stood up. Before continuing, he placed his forehead to mine and gently raked his fingers through my hair. "That's why you've got to hold me."

His voice broke again, but this time I could tell it was from a sob that wanted to escape his lips and not the pitch of the song, so I pulled his face down to mind and kissed him hard. We both stood up without breaking the embrace and when neither of us could breathe, we both reluctantly leaned out of the kiss slowly at the same time.

Dean once again rested his forehead on mine as I laughed softly through my pants and said, "For future reference… The lyrics to 'Crash and Burn' would work too."

He huffed out a breathy laugh replying, "Noted" and then he pulled my lips back to his.

Before things could get too heated, I pulled back again and tried to catch my breath. Dean looked completely confused as I pointed to a book and explained, "I think I found something that Bobby should know. I'll just be a second."

"They've gone on a supply run," Dean countered thinking that I would return to our previous course of action.

I stepped away then held up the book. "Okay, then I'll just write him a note. Seriously, I don't want to forget to tell him because it's really important… Plus… You know how dumb I can be after… Well… You know."

"Fine," Dean conceded sounding slightly annoyed. "Just don't take too long."

I quickly kissed his cheek then ran downstairs.

"It's a couple hours' drive Dean and it could be a Leviathan thing," I heard Sam explaining as I slowly started to wake up from my impromptu nap.

"Nah… If you think I'm leaving you alone…" Dean protested.

Bobby quickly jumped in, "Hey! What am I? Chopped brains on toast? I can eyeball the kid. You and Addy go… Work off those nerves on something useful."

Dean looked towards the study shaking his head and didn't hide his testiness as he replied, "No… It's fine… We should just let her… Sleep."

When he closed the back door, I sat straight up at Bobby's desk then looked down at the note I had written. It was slightly illegible and when I ran the back of my hand over my mouth I had my reason why the ink had smudge. I figured I must have passed out in the deepest sleep that I had had since we had left this house to meet with Bobby's friend because I only drooled like that when I was dead asleep or sick.

Then it hit me… I had left Dean upstairs waiting… And now he was leaving for a hunt and rejected the suggestion to take me along as back up. I jumped to my feet but only made it to the front steps in time to see the taillights as they faded down the driveway towards the main road.

"Something happen Koala Bear?" Bobby asked once he joined me at the front door.

"Yeah, I just proved that I'm the world's biggest idiot." I turned to him then he led me back into the study where Sam was waiting for us explaining, "I finally found something that talks about Leviathans… For some reason I just HAD to write you a note and couldn't wait until after Dean and I had… Uhh… Finished his umm… Apology."

They both nodded sympathetically to show they understood what I meant and then Sam squeezed my hand saying, "What was it that you found Addy?"

We continued working on any leads that we could find or that had been passed onto us by any of Bobby's contacts. I tried my best to remain focused and pretend that my thoughts weren't drifting back to Dean and how I had screwed things up royally this time. But that proved to be an even harder task than trying to find any concrete information about Leviathans. Once it started to get late, Bobby retired for the night, but I remained stubbornly determined to stay up, partially because I wanted to apologize to Dean as soon as he got back.

I guess that my fatigue got the best of me because the next thing I knew, Sam was placing his phone on the desk and slipping his arm under my legs. I started to wake up, but didn't fight to become fully alert and just hugged Sam's neck tightly while he carried me up the stairs.

After he placed me on the bed, I grabbed Sam's hand sleepily asking, "Promise you'll wake me up as soon as he gets back?"

Sam gently unwrapped my fingers from around his wrist while quietly replying, "I promise."

In the morning I woke up alone, so I hurried over to the window and breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't see the Impala parked out in the yard. I convinced myself that that meant that Dean hadn't made it back to Bobby's and then I forced myself to prepare for the day as if it was any other day and not the day after I might have ruined any chance for our reconciliation. The only difference today compare to most any other day was that I allowed myself a brief moment of weakness and cried while I was showering. When I got out of the shower, I told myself that I wouldn't allow myself to worry until Dean finally made it back and I could see for myself where his head space might be at right now.

"Look I don't want to bruise your ego or anything, but…" Bobby was explaining as he put his jacket on.

Sam shook his head interrupting, "No, no, no. It's okay. Go… Go, go… I'll… I'll watch the phones." So just you and me, huh? Sam heard Lucifer's bemused voice.

"You sure?" Bobby questioned out of habit one more time.

"Yeah," Sam confirmed somewhat unconvincingly.

I stepped into the room silently then added, "Plus I'm here Bobby."

The eldest hunter turned to me and smiled gratefully. Ooh, a ménage àtrois, Lucifer teased causing Sam to worriedly reply, "No, no it's okay, you go with Bobby. I'll… I'll be fine."

I stepped up to Sam and tried to look him straight in the eye as I sternly stated, "No, I'm staying here with you." My voice started to betray me and warbled slightly as I tried to finish confidently, "He'd… He'd be even more pissed off at me if… If… If I left you alone."

Sam quickly scooped me into a hug then waved Bobby off with a silent, "Call us soon."

She smells like… Well heaven, doesn't she Sammy? Lucifer continued to taunt Sam in his mind. Do you think she'll let us have some fun with her? Oh, what? You don't deserve it, right?

I felt Sam tense up slightly as he squeezed me close to his chest, but when he didn't say anything I figured it was just his way of showing me some empathy for the situation I could never hide from him or Bobby, even if I tried. I let him hold me until he wanted to break the embrace and then we both turned and got back down to work without speaking another word. We both made it through another stack of books and wedded through numerous websites trying to separate fact from fiction, myth from reality, but without knowing exactly what had happened to Castiel, we didn't really know if we were dismissing reality for fantasy to hastily or not. Surprisingly enough, it was Sam that suggested we stop for a lunch break and when he took the initiative to make the meal, I just sat back and let him do all of the 'dirty' work.

Neither of us were particularly inclined to bring up our own issues with the most important Winchester in our lives, so Sam and I tried our best to cover a variety of different topics that didn't seem to be related to Dean. He tried to innocently ask me about Toby and the Connors, but that immediately reminded me of the confessions I had made to Dean, so I changed the subject clumsily and quickly. When I tried to ask him about his wounded hand out of genuine concern since I had work so hard to keep it clean while he was out of commission, he stared at something over my shoulder with a strange look on his face and then he too stumbled as he changed the subject.

After another hour or so of awkwardness, we silently decided to divide up the books to continue our research independently. He ended up downstairs in the Panic Room and I retreated once again upstairs to the bedroom I had been hiding in before. When I heard him in the kitchen again, I finally checked the time on the clock of my laptop and realized that our usual dinnertime had hit and assumed that he was making dinner. For some reason I wasn't feeling hungry and after our uncomfortable attempts at making polite conversation at lunch time, I wasn't too eager to participate in a repeat performance and like a complete coward, I just stayed hidden upstairs.

The more I continued to read through ancient text in an English that I sometimes didn't even understand, the more I started to feel like I was going around in circles without actually finding anything new or of use. It could have been because of this feeling that I might have gotten a little side tracked while surfing the web. Toby had earned a spot on a Premier League roster, so I somehow looked up and eventually started to scrutinize the box scores of every single game that he had played with them. Within two weeks he had taken over as the starting first baseman and in a fit of unbridled joy and excitement, I started writing him an email to gush and tell him how proud I was to be… A part of his life. As I typed I found it hard to find the words that I wanted to write to him because I had gotten so used to being his 'Mum' that I almost couldn't remember what it was like to be just 'Addy' to him, even though for the majority of his life that all I had ever been to him.

"SAM! SAMMY?" Dean's voice carried loudly from downstairs as a welcomed distraction from yet another conundrum that plagued my life. "SAM?"

I met him at the bottom of the stairs to the main floor and before I even had a chance to speak he quickly demanded, "Where's Sam?"

"He's probably still downstairs," I answered meekly. "Here… I'll go down and get him for you."

Dean shook his head then muttered, "Oh… Crap."

"What? What's wrong Dean? I'm sure he'll be up in a second."

"He's… He's not here," Dean answered somewhat absentmindedly. "Fuck!"

He turned to leave without any other explanation, so I grabbed his arm asking worriedly, "Dean? What's wrong? Where's Sam? What's happened? Please?"

"I… I don't know… But I have to find him…" He shook his head then looked down at me adding in an oddly neutral tone, "It's really important I find him as soon as possible."

*************
Change of POV
*************

Dean found his brother in a warehouse and then after helping Sam to find a way to fight his hallucinations, they made their way back to Bobby's house. Neither one was particularly excited about taking on their latest foe, but when they saw the smoldering rubble that had once been Bobby's home and their safest refuge, they both secretly wished that they could have had a tussle with the ancient creatures in order to make this grizzly site fade away like they had the figments of Sam's imagination.

They spilt up to check so that one of them could check the perimeter while the other investigated the interior as best they could without getting hurt while inside of the remains of the actual structure. Dean climbed out of a hole that used to be a walkway that had led to the cellar door and just showed Sam a scorched journal that he had found as if to show his brother that that was just a tiny example of what could and would find in there.

"The place is torched," Dean observed authoritatively. "Somebody knew what they were doing."

Sam followed Dean towards the rows of care innocently asking, "You think Bobby was back there? Shit! Where's Addy? She… You didn't find…?"

Dean shook his head, trying his best to remain strong for his brother like he always had in the past as he answered, "I don't know. Let's split up… We'll cover more ground that way."

Once Dean was alone, he pulled his phone and tried calling Bobby in the hopes that the older hunter hadn't had a chance to finish his job in town before his home had been destroyed. After leaving Bobby a sadder sounding message than he had meant to, Dean stared at his phone debating if he should even try calling her cell. If she didn't answer he wasn't sure which reasoning would be harder for him to stomach because that either meant she didn't want to take his calls or worse yet, it could mean that she couldn't take his call.

Hey it's Addy! Obviously you have something important to tell me, so don't chicken out now. I promise I'll get back to you as soon as I get a chance! *BEEP*

"Lay… Lay… Tell me you're out getting dinner… Tell me you just had to go for a drive… I don't care. Just fucking tell me you aren't… You weren't in there. Tell me this burning sensation in my chest right now is an ulcer that you warned me about getting from not eating right. Lay, I'm sorry. I love you, I need you. God, why didn't I just tell you that? Please, please! Call me and tell me that I didn't leave you… Didn't leave you behind to die here, alone. Just… Just call me back."

Dean hung up his phone and while he was still staring at the screen it faded to black then shouted, "LAY! BOBBY…! LAY!"

A/N: The song that Dean was reciting/singing to Addy was Savage Garden's "Hold Me" from the album 'Affirmation' if you were wanting to listen to it to hear the full sentiment behind the words.