I Know I Never Really Treated You Right:

I lingered close to the edge of the couch while the Winchesters talked quietly with the surgeon who had sought them out. When it looked like they were near the end of their conversation, I finally mustered up the courage to approach the trio. I heard another bland and unemotional "I'm sorry for your loss" coming from the doctor and I fought not to laugh because it sounded like a stock statement as opposed to genuine regret.

As the doctor turned to leave, I started to lose my nerve so I blurted out an overly loud, "Excuse me Ma'am?"

If you were watching her under a high powered microscope, you might have seen her sigh as she turned. However being an absolute professional she offered nothing more than a pleasant smile once she had turned fully around to face us once again answering, "Yes Miss? Did you have a question for me?"

"I'm sorry… I know that you must be busy," I replied politely. "But could I…? Err… Uhh… Could we…? Would we be able to see him to…? Uhh… To give our last respects?"

"Oh," she exclaimed softly, inadvertently cracking her steely exterior. "Of course you may. He's been moved to a private room while we wait for a final transport to the morgue. The… He'll be in room 103 because there isn't an orderly available for at least another thirty minutes that can move… Him. If you feel that you need more time than that, I can always request that they delay the transport."

"Oh… I… Uhh…" I stalled while I replied and stole a quick glance at the brothers who were standing on either side of me because I wasn't sure if that would be enough time to execute whatever plan I was sure they had come up with by now. Dean didn't move his eyes off of the doctor, but when she gave us all a semi-suspicious look Sam wrapped a comforting arm around my waist and confidently said, "That should be more than enough time for all of us. Thank you again Dr. Jackson, thank you for everything you all have done."

She immediately reverted back to having a blank, professional look on her face before she said, "Alright, but if it turns out that that isn't sufficient, just let someone know. We're more than happy to accommodate during this difficult time. Again, I'm sorry for your loss and if you need any… Resources we he have in-house counselors and or can arrange for any other support that you may need."

"Thank you, but as my brother and I said earlier, we won't require any of them," Sam said as he extended his right hand.

Once the three of us were alone in the room once again, Sam pressed me against his side as he quietly praised, "Good thinking Addy. Dean and I weren't how to find out where we would find him without arousing her suspicion."

"Yeah… I… Well…" I said awkwardly as I stepped out of his embrace and away from both of them. "I… I know that you guys gave John a… Uhh… A proper funeral, so I figured that meant that you know how to… Uhh… How to sneak someone out of the hospital. I didn't have to worry about that with Mum or Sydney."

"Yeah, we know how to do our jobs," Dean replied curtly. Sam frowned at his brother but Dean had already mentally moved to the next step saying, "They probably know what the van we drove here looks like now…" He took a deep breath, set his shoulders as he turned his body towards me. I almost looked down at my feet to see if I was standing on something interesting because Dean's eyes never left the floor. Suddenly I realized that the floor consisted of nothing more than the generic tiles that all hospitals seemed to use to decorate and that Dean was just avoiding making eye contact with me. I didn't get a chance to react to that thought before Dean focused on something beyond my shoulder to fake eye contact and asked, "What kind of car did you steal…?" Dean hesitated slightly as he made brief eye contact with me. He had learned during the first job our families had worked together that I only broke the law when it was absolutely necessary and even then I didn't usually go beyond lying to the authorities and the rare break and enter, so he amended his question to ask, "Uhh… What kind of car did you rent so that you could flee from Mayfield?"

I should have scoffed at the 'Leave it to Beaver' reference, but I was too focused on being numb to my feelings because of the job at hand to come up with a witty retort. Instead I just stared at him blankly and bluntly said, "I drove Phantom here." Sam then turned to face me and they once again shared the same uncertain look to which I responded by taking another step back and nearly chewed on my lip as I explained, "Edgar… He either gave me the keys to someone's car that he ate or… Well I don't really know how he got them, but either way Edgar… Or rather Dick and company think that I'm more than happy driving around in a brand new red Ford Taurus."

Dean's mask of indifference cracked slightly as he sympathetically asked, "Really?"

I shuddered for dramatic effect and once my shivering ceased, I replied with an easier tone, "I know, right? I nearly kissed Phantom when I saw her again." Sam snickered softly because he knew that I wasn't quite as obsessed with my car as his brother was with his Impala, even though he had alluded more than once to how our unnatural affinity to finely made, classic America muscle cars proved that Dean and I had been created form similar molds. Dean however didn't react much, if at all, to my humor. Under his unyielding glare I swallowed hard and then more somberly said, "He had the Taurus for me to drive and then I switched cars twice before I finally arrived… Uhh… Home and now I'm driving Phantom. He and I didn't really get into talking about cars or anything from my actual past much, so I don't think that they'll know about the GTO being mine."

Dean knew how hard I had tried to block any fond memories I had formed of the car my Poppy had given me after Sydney had tainted each and every one of them during my time spent in Hell, so his face soften minutely as he said, "Well so long as you haven't packed her trunk full of clothes and crap, it should be a perfect fit."

I playfully punched Dean in the shoulder like I had on more occasions than I could count as I humorously replied, "Like I'd ever be that much of a girl." I paused as I pictured the state of the trunk of my car and added, "Okay… Well I can easily move a couple of bags to the backseat and we'll have more than enough room to stow your gear and travel in relative comfort."

Dean nodded and then we all ended up standing there in an uncomfortable silence until Sam broke it saying, "Well it sounds like it'll work. Umm… Where'd you park?"

"Huh?" I asked when his voice tried to break through my internal dialogue as I tried to figure out how to extend these fleeting moments of normalcy between Dean and I. Sam didn't waver and just calmly stated again, "Addy where did you park Phantom?"

Although I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of Dean, I nodded towards the general direction of the front entrance answering, "Out front… Uhh… Right near the main stairs."

"Okay… Good… I think that room 103 is close to the back of the building. You go there, open the window, so we'll know exactly which room it is while we move the car around back and then we'll all get out of here," Dean directed while he extended his right hand out towards me. I must have stared at his open, upright palm for too long because I was brought out of my thoughts by Dean waving his hand in front of my face while he said, "We'll need the keys… Unless you'd rather I just hot wire the car."

I shook my head from side to side a couple of times slowly, pulled my keys out of my pocket and handed them to him without saying a word. Dean took them and immediately turned to leave the room. Sam watched Dean, but instead of following his brother, Sam leaned down and asked in a low voice, "Are you okay Addy?"

When Dean got to the door he noticed that Sam wasn't dutifully following him like he expected, so while he was still facing the door Dean barked out a loud, "Sam! Let's go!"

I jumped slightly at Dean's sharp command, but Sam didn't react to what Dean had said at all. Before either Winchester had a chance to say anything else, I nodded softly and nearly whispered, "Yeah, I'm fine Sam…" I tried to give him a strong smile as I added more volume while saying, "Well as fine as I can be… Given the situation and all. I'm just really not looking forward to saying goodbye, you know?"

Sam gave me an understanding smile and then squeezed my forearm in a silent show of comfort and support. He quickly turned and caught up with Dean and they both left me alone in the room. I didn't give myself a chance to think and just followed in their wake into the hallway. Thankfully Dean was right and the room where we had been told that we would find Bobby was in fact just down the hall and close to the rear of the building. As soon as I had the door closed behind me, I nearly ran to the window on the opposite side of the room and opened it as wide as the track would allow me to push it.

Once I had completed the main task that Dean had given me, I turned to finally face Bobby's remains. He was still on a gurney with a white sheet covering him completely from head to foot. As much as I tried to keep them from doing so, my hands violently shook as I gingerly moved it off of his face so that I could actually look at him and confirm that all of this was really happening.

I felt kind of stupid because the first thing that popped into my head was that in that moment he looked completely and utterly peaceful. That bout of genius thought was swiftly followed up by the equally embarrassing I guess that's why someone coined the term rest in peace when they talked about their loved one passing which caused me to sputter out a tearful laugh.

"Bobby," I whispered as I ran my fingers softly over the now stitched up wound on his forehead. "What the hell are we going to do without you? I swear Bobby you're…" My tears choked me up momentarily, so I cleared my throat and diverted my train of thought from that so that I could continue. "I don't think that we ever thanked you enough for everything that you always did for us… Well I don't feel like I did so even though it's too late, thank you Bobby. Thank you for all of your love, support and… And well for everything you did for me. You know… When I was I kid, I had the biggest crush on you because you seemed to be everything that I thought that a man should be… But as I grew up that changed and I wished with all my heart that you would fall in love with my Mum and marry her and become my Dad…" By this point my tears were falling hard and fast, but I did nothing to try to stop, let alone slow them down. "Because… Well because by that time I knew that you were exactly what every man should strive to be. I'm… I'm just glad that Toby got to meet you so that he could have a hunter that he could look up to… Well someone who had a handle on things better than me. I'm sorry that I never apologized to you for keeping his existence from you. I should have been completely honest with you about that situation and not telling you is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done… I know… Well I'm more than pretty sure that things would have been different… In a good way, if I had of been honest with you because I know that you would have kicked my ass and made me do the right thing… Bobby…" I had to stop to take in a deep breath, swiped the bottom of my shirt over my face before I leaned down, kissed his forehead and then said against it, "I love you Bobby. I really hope that you always knew how much you meant to me. I already miss you so much that it feels like…"

I heard the door close behind me, so I stood up abruptly and feverously wiped my palms over my cheeks to rid them of any moisture. I tried to compose myself as much as I could before Dean stepped up beside me. I wasn't sure if he had overheard anything or possibly everything that I had said because he continued as if he hadn't overheard any part of my tear filled confession to Bobby's body.

"Sam's in the car… Everyone thinks that I'm in here to say my goodbyes… There's a door to the yard out back just down the hall to the left. Go head out to the car and… Sam and I will take care of the rest," he instructed with a soft neutral tone.

I shuddered in a breath and tried to reply verbally, but found that I could only manage a quick nod. As I turned to walk away, Dean gently gripped my hand causing me to pause and turned to look at him. To my surprise, I was now looking into Dean's face and he was actually wearing the softest expression that I had seen him wear since I had arrived in New Jersey. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze and then more kindheartedly ordered, "Go… Make sure that no one comes in and busts me in the act, okay?"

With a sad smile on my face, I managed to finally whisper, "Okay."

I couldn't help myself and paused at the door to watch Dean for some reason. He had just stood beside Bobby's side with his shoulders hunched in what I presumed was silence, but he could have been talking too lowly for me to overhear what he might be saying. After a brief moment, he brushed his right hand over his face and then started to move the stretcher towards the opened window.

He didn't check over his shoulder to see if I was following order, but I still slipped out the door as quickly as I could before he had a chance to reprimand me for delaying. I stood in the hallway with my back against the door to catch my breath and lifted my right hand up slowly so that it hovered in front of my face. That was the first place that Dean had touched me with any amount of compassion or softness and I felt an overwhelming need to look at it while I relished in the memory of the brief moment we just shared.

"Miss? Miss?" I heard a male's voice questioned somewhat worriedly as I felt a hand grip my shoulder. "Miss, I'm sorry but you need to move so that I can… Uhh…"

When he hesitated as he tried to pick the most polite way of saying that he needed me to move away from the door so that he could just do this job before he could move onto his next task, I shook my head and replied, "I'm so sorry, I was just on my way out to find you… My…" I paused and stole a glance at the silver band that had somehow never left its home on my left ring finger. "My… My husband just needs a moment alone with his uncle, I mean if that's…?"

The moment he looked into my red, puffy eyes, the orderly's gruff exterior crumbled causing him to bend over slightly so that I could hear him when he quietly said, "That's more than alright. Dr. Jackson told me that you all might need more time than was allotted, but when no one came to find… Anyway, it's fine. I'll just go and finish what I can until you're ready for me to… I'll just be in the room down the hall, okay?"

I nodded then hoarsely whispered, "Okay. Thank you for understanding."

He turned and continued down the hall in the opposite direction that I needed to go and I breathed out a quiet sigh of relief. Once he disappeared into another room, I literally ran towards the exit door that was down the hall to my left. Dean was just slamming the trunk of my car closed and was rushing towards the front passenger's door by the time Phantom came into my view, so I kept up my quick pace and headed for one of the back doors.

Sam didn't speak before he hammered down the gas pedal and sped out of the parking lot. The only confirmation that he seemed to need was the sound of our two doors closing to prove that we had succeeded and that it was all clear for us to leave. I had turned off the radio in anticipation of calling Toby before going into the hospital, so the next few hundred miles we travelled passed in near to absolute silence. I for one was happy to just let my thoughts wander and couldn't really spare any extra energy to worry about what might be going through the minds of either Winchester.

After another few hundred miles, we were forced to stop to refuel the car so that we could continue our journey. We each took that time to stretch and buy some supplies for ourselves as well, but we didn't really waste any words between each other while we did so.

I pulled out my phone and stared at it after I stepped out of the convenience store and only looked away from it when I felt a strong hand gripped my shoulder tightly. "You haven't told Toby yet, have you?"

"No," I replied shaking my head absentmindedly. "But now I'm thinking that I'd rather tell him in person Sam. Seems like something I shouldn't do over the phone."

"Oh… Yeah that makes sense," he agreed as we walked slowly to the car together. Dean was now seated behind the wheel, so Sam nodded to the passenger's side door and explained, "Dean's going to navigate us through the next leg and I was sort of hoping to finally catch some shut eye in the back seat, unless…"

I held his hand and then replied, "That sounds like a good plan. If I need to I can more than easily curl up to sleep in the front seat. You go, go ahead and stretch…" I smirked slightly as I looked from him to the car and added a little more humorously, "Well stretch out as much as you can and get some rest."

Once all of us were in the car once again, I looked over at Sam as he sprawled out over the backseat and he winked at me playfully. I gently placed my bag of goodies on the floor by Sam's knees and responded by glaring at him half-heartedly. He must have seen the awkwardness present between Dean and I and he wasn't going to allow me to have an easy out to attempt to ignore it in anyway. Instead he had manipulated me with the best line that he could use to tug at my heart strings in order to provoke the protective streak within me to get me to sit upfront and have no choice but to face his brother.

Fucking manipulative little… Well big bastard I thought to myself with a chuckle as I turned in my seat and fastened my seat belt. Dean watched me settle in my seat out of the corner of his eye before he checked the rear view mirror to double check that Sam was safe inside the car as well. Dean's attentiveness to Sam's safety had always impressed me when we were younger and I found it oddly comforting that despite everything that had happened that that hadn't changed. It wasn't until we were crossing yet another State line that I notice that Dean still hadn't turned on the stereo and we hadn't uttered a single word. In all of the years that we had travelled together, I had never known Dean to keep the car this quiet unless it was it was to go over all of the information pertaining to the next hunt at hand, so I ventured a guess that now would be the best time to try to talk with Dean about whatever had happened back at the hospital.

I quickly checked over my shoulder to make sure that Sam was still dead asleep before I tentatively said, "So Dean…? Back at the hospital you asked… Umm… You asked about my time that I spent with Edgar, but I didn't really get a chance to answer you…"

"Not now," he interrupted sharply, but he didn't offer me any alternatives for a more appropriate time for us to discuss this topic.

I looked over at him, but diverted my gaze just as quickly when I noticed that he hadn't even attempted in any way to take his eyes off the road to look at me as I nearly whispered, "But it's not really that big…"

"Seriously? You think that right now would be a good time for us to get into this?" He snarled over my words. I turned to look into his frowning face once again and could only hope that I didn't look as hurt as I felt in that moment because I didn't want to give him the upper hand. His expression barely changed as he turned back to the road saying in an exasperated tone like he was annoyed he had to explain because it should have been obvious to me, "I mean maybe we could do it when I'm not driving?"

He didn't wait for me to nod or agree before his right hand shot out and he turned the stereo back on a bit louder than I normally listened to it. I wanted nothing more than to try to talk over the music, but the sounds of Darren's voice lulled me into a feeling where I thought that I could more easily collect my thoughts, so I just let everything go for now.

Well I was content to get my feelings into order until the lyrics of the song hit my ears, but Dean didn't seem to become conscious of them right away. Then he heard Darren singing the words to 'Stupid Mistake'.

I've been lonely. I've been searching the crowd for you. I got lazy. On the wrong side of love. I was stupid. Sold my kingdom for a war with you. With you… I made a stupid mistake and my world crashed down all around me…

Before I could attempt to skip the rest of the song, Dean had hit the button to jump to the next track. Soon enough the upbeat pop tune of 'Talk Talk Talk' started playing and I eased back into my seat once again. I had momentarily forgotten that the lyrics to this song might not be to the liking of my current, conscious, company and then I heard I know you keep your silence. I know that secret better than you. Sometimes all the matters of the heart. Are the chaos and the cowardice that keep us apart.

Once again Dean changed songs before I could object and we both completely froze when we heard If you want something broken better give it to me. I've got a way of disappointing that you'd never believe. I can take a good intention and turn it on its head. I can make you pray to God and wish we'd never met.

Our hands met at the face plate of the radio while 'Hurt' continued to play and I only retracted my hand when Dean gruffly said, "No, it's fine…" over my objection of "Here let me just…"

I wanted to protest further but didn't get a chance as the first line of 'Roses' piped through the speakers loud and clear with a poignant and melancholy What if I told you that your time was up? That as every second passes there's a moment gone. In 23 hours the sun was going to set forever. Before the song could continue Dean's forefinger had barely had a chance to jump to the next song that the stereo shuffled through to the next song to the list.

This song once again sounded like it was a more upbeat song, so we both relaxed slightly in our seats. I (of course) had been listening to nothing but the new Darren Hayes album that Toby had bought me because new Darren music had always been a welcomed distraction for me in the past. Plus Toby had looked so cute when he had brought out the purple box set with not only the CD (plus another CD with bonus tracks) but also a vinyl copy of the album. He had told me that it was supposed to have been my Christmas or birthday present, but given everything that had happened, he wanted me to have it as soon as possible. In the moment we had joked about how 'tomorrow' might not be an option, but as I sat in the car with the Winchesters that humor now felt disgustingly inappropriate.

You will never get older and you will never feel pain… Or fill with room with laughter like you used to…

Even with the vague knowledge of the significance of the rest of the words to the song 'Glorious', I quickly turned the stereo off completely while nearly apologizing with a mildly humorous tone, "The lyrics on this CD really don't get any better… Just the beat of the songs do... Well at least for some of the songs at least."

I then snatched up my iPod out of the glove box and scrolled through the playlists Toby had helped me create after I had it connected to the stereo. I stole a glance to my left and notice that Dean's jaw was clenched and his complexion was flushed with rage, so I shot back with my own annoyed snap, "What? It's not like I wrote the fucking album." But I couldn't let myself finish my thought of I'm just living them for some God damned reason out loud and left it unsaid.

By the time I was finished admonishing Dean, I had finally managed to find the playlist that we had created with the title 'Dean's Music'. I hit play and turned it up lough enough that we couldn't talk over it without yelling which would wake up Sam from his, as of yet, peaceful slumber, in the hopes that it might create some sense of peace while Dean drove. Whether or not the change in soundtracks made a difference to our driver actually worked, I never noticed because I just turned in my seat to stare out the window so that I couldn't witness if Dean's reaction was positive or negative to this more familiar music.

By now it was more than obvious that Dean wasn't ready to talk about what was going on with him, but I sincerely hoped that that was only because Sam was laying down in the backseat. Soon enough Dean pulled my car into a familiar spot in the backyard of my house and I put all of those thoughts aside while we all suddenly sat up straight in our seats. Dean had the presence of mind to cut the engine while all three of us just continued to stare out the windshield at nothing in particular. I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye and was suddenly reminded that the brothers might be looking for further direction from me since I was the one that had suggested coming her instead of going straight back to Montana.

"So… Uhh… Back behind the garage," I explained awkwardly as we all stood outside of my car. "Mum… She… Well since she was like a tenth generation hunter and all… She made sure to add a few finishing touches to the grounds after Poppy's crew had finished and… Well… Back there she built a small crematorium with Sydney and… Uhh… Well after that whole 'Rising of the Witnesses' happened, I made sure that I… Uhh… That I took care of Sydney like we were all taught to… So I do know that it actually works. There's… There's a stock pile of Palo Santo to fuel it and containers of salt mined from four different countries." They were both listening to me in wide-eyed fascination as I added somewhat more timidly, "Mum always said that after everything all of had seen and done that the least we could do was give our fallen brothers and sisters a proper burial so that they could be laid to rest and… Well… Yeah, everything we need is out back there."

"Huh… That sure does sound like Vicky," Dean replied with a soft smile on his face.

Sam pass me a tissue as he quietly said, "I wish I had of had a chance to get to know her better because I'm sure that I could have learned a lot more than I did from her."

Dean patted Sam on the back saying, "We all did… And it looks like we still can."

Sam and I stared at Dean with a questioning look on our faces as Dean started unloaded our bags from the car. He passed me three of our duffle bags and nodded towards the house saying, "But why don't we put this lesson to use first? Or rather… Sam and I can…"

"Right… Right," I agreed as I took the bags. I didn't like looking like a coward, but just talking about what I had done had brought back the most vivid memory of the scent of Sydney's burning flesh and I was more than happy to bow out of experiencing that again anytime soon. "I'll just go and make sure that the guest rooms are… Umm ready and… Yeah… I'll go… Do that."

I scooped up the handles of two more bags and rushed towards the backdoor before either Winchester could utter another word. Once inside the safety of the kitchen, I dropped all of our bags into a pile and then weeded through them to pluck out my own. During my time spent with the Connors after fleeing Edgar's grasp, I had restocked my house with some non-perishable and frozen foods as well as booze in every flavor in anticipation of us using my house for pit stops again, so I didn't worry about checking the fridge and just focused on making the house more comfortable. Well more comfortable temperature wise at least since I really had no control over the atmosphere that would prevail in the house at the moment.

After turning up the thermostat, I dumped my bags in my room and sat at the foot of my bed and just held my head in my hands. Now that I had a moment completely to myself, I couldn't help but reflect on the past twenty-four hours. I had anticipated that things would be weird between me and the guys, like it had been with Toby at first, but I had also figured that after passing a few, relatively easy, tests that things would go back to normal and yet here I sat nearly in tears alone. Sam was back to treating me like he always had, but the stone wall that kept Dean from me was all the more evident especially since we hit Iowan soil.

How…? What…? I tried to navigate through a bunch of conflicting thoughts, but then the pain in my elbow reminded me that I hadn't taken the time to properly clean and dress that wound. As I got up to head to the bathroom, I massaged my arm gently as I thought well thank God for painful distractions.

After pulling out a bottle of peroxide, a couple of face cloths and bandages in a variety of sizes, I finally felt brave enough to pull back the gauze on my arm to double check the damage. Well at least by this point I had nothing else that I could do to delay the inevitable, so I took a deep breath and forced the tape off of my skin. Just as I had anticipated, the blood from the wound had dried to the gauze so it took more than a little finesse on my part to peel it away without re-opening the wound.

I had wetted down the gauze that I was going to throw out to make pulling it off the cut easier and was drying my arm before checking for any sign of infection when the most unexpected thing happened: I heard my bedroom door open and close. It may have seemed silly now, but I had gotten into the habit of always shutting my bedroom door in case I decided to get changed into something more comfortable when Toby started spending more and more time with me while I was in town and as of yet I had been able to keep the two of us from having any overly embarrassing moments of 'oversharing'. Those moments still remained reserved for when Toby questioned me about my relationships with Dean (or any male that I had once been linked to 'romantically') if he as more than happy to avoid talking about the girls whose names made him blush brightly. Since one of the first things that I did when I got my bags to my room was to change into lounge wear, I had closed the door, but I hadn't expected anyone to join me so I froze completely at the sound of it clicking closed again.

When I didn't hear any other movement, I shook my head and wrote it off as being just wishful thinking on my part and I turned my full attention back to my arm again. I measured out a couple of bandages while they were still in the package and sighed loudly when I had confirmation that the cut really wasn't any worse than I remembered (and that I hadn't made it any worse on the drive home).

"Lay?" Dean called out causing me to drop the Band-Aid onto the counter as I cursed under my breath. Then I heard him ask, "Lay…? Are…? Are you in here?"

While I smoothed the adhesive against my skin, I stepped out of the bathroom hoarsely replying, "Yeah, I'm here. I was just… Cleaning up."

He nodded then pointedly stared at my newly tended to wound and asked, "So, how's the arm?"

"Oh… You know…" I turned back to look at him as I zipped up my oversized hoody that I had retrieved form the closet and immediately noticed the hurt look that was trying to form on Dean's face, so I quickly dropped my humorous tone and more earnestly said, "Really it's still nothing Dean. I just needed a new Band-Aid is all. By tomorrow it won't even need that. So it isn't something that either of us needs to worry about at all."

Dean remained mute but continued to nod as he stumbled back a couple of steps and forcefully sat on the edge of my bed. I stuffed my hands deep into the pockets of my hoody and forced myself to stay in my spot. Dean had finally initiated what I had wanted to do since his not so subtle freak out in the Supply Closet, so I tried to keep myself from doing anything that might hamper it by saying or doing the wrong thing.

We remained in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes then Dean sighed loudly and stared at this hands where they laid in his while he quietly announced, "In all honesty, I didn't think it would be the best idea for us to talk while I was driving Phantom. I know you'd have my balls in a jar if I wrecked her at all." He looked up and forced the corners of his mouth into a tight smile as he said, "Now… You were saying something about Edgar…?"

"Well you brought her back from the dead once," I teased weakly. "So I'm pretty sure that gives you at least one 'Get Out of Jail Free' card for any other minor damages you might incur while driving Phantom." Dean cracked a proper smile at that comment so I silently sighed out the breath I almost held, took a step forward and said, "It really was nothing to worry about Dean, I swear."

Dean met my tear-filled eyes, but I managed to keep the tears that wanted to fall at bay even when he said, "But he was… Well he tried to make you believe that he was your husband…"

I was now standing so close to Dean that our knees almost touched, but I kept my hands to myself by fidgeting with my wedding band as I explained, "Yes… They all did want me to think that I was happily married to Edgar, but he never actually tried to push me for sex. I think they… Well I'm pretty sure that they were banking on me falling in love, not in lust, with him." As I spoke I watched Dean's muscles subconsciously stiffen so I nearly rushed as I added, "Plus it never really felt right to me to touch him. I… I did kiss him a couple of times but I SWEAR it felt even weirder than when I kissed…"

I stopped talking abruptly because I wasn't sure which was worse, the fact that I didn't know what name to choose in order to illustrate my point or the fact that I had more than one name to choose from. As I tried to take a step back, Dean removed the hand that had been pinching the bridge of his nose to dryly prod, "Weirder than when you kissed…?"

"Bobby," I blurted out after deciding that his was the least objectionable name that I could choose from the list. Dean stared at me completely wide-eyed so I hurriedly explained, "When I was… Umm… Fifteen, Mum and Sydney dumped me with Bobby for over a week one summer. He took that time to fill in the gaps that Poppy hadn't taught me about cars and of course about being a hunter and… Well one night after I 'practiced my drinking' I tried to force him to teach me about how to… Umm… Impress the men that hunt…" I laughed to myself at the memory of that night while Dean continued to stare at me in shocked confusion. "Oh God… Dean he wasn't my first kiss or anything, but that did lead to an interesting discussion about the one hunter that I couldn't seem to get off my mind, no matter how hard I tried to protest." Dean just scowled at me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my humor was completely lost on him so I bumped my knee against his saying, "You Dumbass… I couldn't get you off of my mind! And after my not so subtle talk with Poppy about the birds and the bees, Bobby was more than happy to add his two cents on the situation with a lovely hunter spin on things… Bobby talking about one night stands… I still shudder at the thought."

Dean didn't react to any of my humor and continued to scowl as he quietly said, "So you struck out with Bobby too because of me, huh?"

It took me a couple of heartbeats before Dean's dry humor registered. I looked into his face with a soft smile on mine as I replied, "Yeah… Well… Maybe. But either way, no matter what he tried to say about our past together, I just never felt comfortable with Edgar. I don't know but it was like I was just working off instinct with him and couldn't bring myself to trust him."

"Which means that you didn't have sex with him?" Dean clarified with a soft, hopeful tone.

I tentatively reached out to take Dean by the hand and when he didn't try to flinch away I laced my left hand with his so that we could look at our complementary wedding bands together. "No, I didn't," I replied as I kissed the back of his left hand. He didn't take his eyes off of our hands until I shrugged and chuckled while I added, "Well I don't even think that we even actually slept together at all. Huh…" Dean continued to stare at me as I thought of something that I hadn't realized before just then. "Actually in all honesty I'm not even sure that those things even sleep." Dean seemed to be able to hear that revelation giving way to another as my posture slumped and I nearly whispered, "Fuck… What if they don't and that's how Dick Roman's been able to get so far ahead of us?"

"So…? You didn't sleep with him…" Dean said softly as more of a statement than a question.

I gently move his chin up to force him to look me in the eye as I shook my head saying, "No. Dean I didn't, in any way, shape, or form."

He seemed to have actually heard what I was saying this time, so I stepped in between his legs and kissed his forehead as I reiterated, "I didn't… Dean I didn't…" before I rested my forehead against his.

We stayed like that until our breathing synched up and then suddenly Dean sat back and away from me. I would have fallen against his body, but Dean had already gripped my shoulders tightly so that he could look into my face. "But you… You've never let me… In the past we've never been that…"

Dean's eyes seemed to be laser focused on the bandage on my left arm and I tried to keep my tone as tender as possible when I tried to clarify that I was reading his thoughts correctly (because if I was then he was thinking something so ludicrous that it more than deserved to be mocked without mercy). "We've never been that rough together before?" Dean nodded softly as I ran my hands over his temples to the back of his head. "That's not true Dean… We were pretty… Umm… Boisterous back at Bobby's that time…"

I quirked an eyebrow playfully, but he just turned his eyes away while sounding almost embarrassed as he admitted, "Yeah… But that time was after Don raped you."

Before I could stop myself, I snatched my hands away from his head. I would have stepped completely away from him, but when I tried to I was stopped by Dean's arms that were encircled around my waist. Even though it was probably fruitless, I kept trying to step back as I passionately admonished him, "Pacer Dean! It was Pacer! PACER! I was…" (Although Dean had used that five lettered word quite easily, I still hesitated before I used the term) "I was… Raped by a demon that was possessing Don's body. He didn't do it, Pacer, the demon, did."

"A demon… Right… So a demon, Pacer, took you by force and then the next time we were 'together' you nearly drew blood… So naturally…" By this point Dean had dropped his hands to his sides, but I was too stunned to force myself to move away like I had wanted to previously. "Well… I'm sure you can see why I had assumed that you had been with another monster since you practically let me rape you."

My mouth fell open while I stared at Dean and I had barely regained my breath before I said, "Is…? Is that what you think happened back in that supply closet?" When Dean finally nodded softly, I stumbled back a couple of steps. "You thought… You thought that I was one of them and want to hurt me because it… But when you realized that I was me, you thought that I let you… You… Do that as like a punishment for being unfaithful… Is that it?"

Dean didn't have to nod for me to know that what I had just said was true, but it still hurt not to have him try to dispute it in any way. Before I regained total consciousness, I had stepped back in between his legs again with my right fist flexing opened and closed. Dean seemed to be content just to watch me while I tried to make up my mind, but he did flinch and closed his eyes when I finally did raise my hand.

Dean seemed to have been bracing for the worse, so he actually jumped slightly when my lips touched his. He kept his eyes squeezed tightly closed so I kissed each of his eye lids softly before I placed my mouth beside his right ear and whispered, "It's only rape if she says 'No' Dean… And I don't remember telling you anything close to that." I leaned back far enough to look him in his now opened eyes and made sure not to move my hands off of his thighs. He responded with a worried scowl causing me to shrug and add somewhat flippantly, "Hey we've both grown up some since our first time together. Maybe I enjoy a little… Umm… Variety once in a while."

"Variety… Right…" He replied slowly while moving my hands from his thighs to his shoulders. I just smiled and tried to look as open as possible to prove to him that he hadn't done anything to hurt me (at least not emotionally) or anything that I wasn't already on board for and it seemed to work because he leaned up to kiss me.

As I relaxed into his embrace, Dean ran his hands up and down my back and then suddenly he lifted me off the floor and nearly threw me down onto the bed. I let out a surprised squeak when I hit the mattress before I settled back slightly so that I was more comfortable and could just stare up at him. He gently pried my knees open and then leaned in closer to me as he lovingly stroked my hair. I kept my palms flush against my comforter while I nervously watched him until I fisted tight handfuls of it when Dean kissed me once again.

At first the press of his lips was gentle, but then his pace became increasingly aggressive. The kiss began to feel less like a show of love and affection and more like cold, callous contact. By the time the kiss started to feel more like Dean was biting at my mouth hard enough to nearly draw blood, Dean's hands had move to the waistband of my yoga pants.

"Dean… Dean…" I protested weakly at feeling his fingers working at pulling down my Lycra cotton blend pants. He didn't seem to notice that his hips were digging into mine which was making this course of action near impossible for him to complete so I moved my hands to his shoulders and gave them a harder push. His lips moved to the newly blossoming bruise on my neck that he had given me the day before and I more loudly objected, "Dean… Stop! DEAN! STOP!"

Suddenly he froze completely with his teeth still pressed painfully against my flesh. I thought that he said something against my neck but I couldn't make out what it might have been. He slowly snaked his way off of my body until he was standing and looking down at me. Once he was upright and standing, Dean didn't move but I straightened out my clothing the best I could and then sat back with my arms wrapped around my knees that were now pressed tightly against my chest.

"Dean?" I questioned around the lump that was forming in my throat.

He gently brushed my hair off of my shoulder and shook his head sadly at the now sizeable bruise that was steadily growing near the base of my neck. His mouth opened and closed as if he was going to speak, but he kept himself from actually commenting. I swallowed my words and tried my best not to show my apprehension as he jerked his hand away before turning his back on me.

"Monster," he mumbled as he walked away from the door. At the bed he paused but didn't look at me over his shoulder as he more clearly stated, "I should go and check on Sam to make sure that he doesn't need any help."

I noticed that he hesitated before turning the door handle so I quickly answered, "Of course… Yeah, you should do that."

Dean gave a resolute and possibly thankful nod before he turned the knob and excited the room as quickly as possible. I moved to the edge of the bed and the now closed door with my hands folded in my lap. Nothing up until now had come remotely close to any of the worst case scenarios that I had conjured up in my mind before reuniting with the Winchesters.

"Oh shit," I whispered once my thoughts had finally stopped racing. Dean thinks that he's a monster for wanting it rough… Oh… Damn… Now this is making some sense.

I flopped back on my bed and let every muscle in my body relax for the first time in days in light of this new revelation. Since Dean's weirdness was being caused by his own feelings of self-deprecation I knew that there wasn't much that I could do right now to change things. It felt good to have that figured out because Dean doubting himself was something that I was familiar with and could actually deal with fairly easily. No matter what I could say to the contrary, Dean would believe whatever he had convinced himself was true, so I would just have to make sure to do what I had done in the past: leave him to his delusions and just show him how loved he is in the hopes that he would finally realize on his own that he was wrong.

By the time that I had made my way downstairs again, smoke was billowing from behind the garage and the brothers were sitting at the picnic table in the back yard. I knew how hard I was taking this latest loss in our lives, but I still couldn't quite imagine how deeply it would be affecting Dean or Sam. But that being said, it looked like neither of them was ready to talk about it, so I once again tried to focus on what needs they would most likely let me fill which meant that I started digging through the freezer for something that could pass as a freshly made meal. I was hoping to find anything that resembled comfort food, given the emotional state we were all in, but the best that I could come up with was a frozen batch of chili that I had made up before heading out to New Jersey.

I decided to heat it up slowly on the stove so that I could add a few more spices, so dinner wasn't quite ready to be served when I heard Dean and Sam re-enter the house. Dean was still engrossed in a conversation he was having with someone on the phone while Sam joined me by the stove, quietly praising, "What smells so good?"

I shrugged and retrieved us each a beer from the fridge and answered, "It's nothing too special, just reheating left overs. I hope it's okay."

"You've got to be joking!" Dean nearly shouted as he slumped onto a chair at the kitchen table.

"Who's he talking to?" I whispered to Sam.

"Frank Devereaux. He…"

"No! No… Fine! But you have to give me some time to get the money together. Just… Just don't stop working... I'll get the money… Somehow." Dean quickly hung up the phone and slammed it against the tabletop as he cursed out a heartfelt and angry, "FUCK."

Sam and I exchanged a questioning look until I pressed an opened bottle of beer into his hand saying, "I'll dish dinner… Go, sit and take that to your brother."

Dean took the beer from Sam, but they both remained silent as I plated our food. I passed them each a bowl and sat down without uttering a word and received a soft grunt as a 'thank you' from each of the guys. We then ate in the most uncomfortable silence that I had encountered, but I managed to take a small measure of comfort in the fact that both of them were actually eating. When my Mum had been killed it took me at least three days before I could stomach solid food and I could force more than a few spoonfuls of food into my stomach without feeling like I might vomit.

Before either of them could notice how little I had consumed, I cleared the table quickly and asked as I place the dishes in the washer, "So what's Frank's asking price?"

Dean swallowed his mouthful of beer then asked, "What'd you say?"

"I was just wondering how much Frank quoted for him to do heavy duty research for you," I replied handing him and Sam a fresh round of cold drinks.

Dean started to pick at the label of his bottle as he flatly told us, "Fifteen thousand."

"What?" Sam exclaimed quietly. "Where the hell does he think that we're going to get that kind of money?"

"Fuck if I know," Dean nearly snapped before turning his attention to drinking his beer.

I stood up abruptly and nearly ran into the den. Sam half stood from his chair but swiftly sat back down when he heard his brother chuckling softly. Sam figured that his brother was laughing at his reaction to my leaving the room because they both seemed to think that I couldn't cope with my emotions and that I was trying to hide it from them.

When I got back to the kitchen, Sam was still watching the doorway with a worried look on his face and Dean was just sitting back down at the table after getting himself another beer. Sam's eyes tracked my every move and the lines of his face shifted from worry to a questioning scowl when I placed a small navy blue gym bag on the table in front of both of them.

"I put in a little extra so that you guys don't have to worry about running any scams or anything right now," I explained while I unzipped the bag to show them that it was filled with a variety of denominations of money.

"We… We can't accept this…" Sam protested weakly while he counted a couple of stacks of bills he had liberated from the bag.

"Yes, you can and you will," I stated firmly. When they both looked up at me, I had to catch my breath so that I could maintain my strong exterior to ensure that I sounded confident as I said, "I'm not going to take no for an answer, so don't even try to argue, alright Winchesters?"

Sam got up and hugged me tight saying against my hair, "Thanks Addy."

I patted his back replying, "It's nothing."

He nodded then looked between Dean and me and seemed to have noticed a minute change of atmosphere between us. "I… I'm gonna go and check… On… Uhh everything."

Dean didn't take his attention off the bag of money until he heard the backdoor click closed. I had anticipated seeing the same coldness that had been in his eye earlier in the day, but when our eyes locked I thought that I actually saw tears in his eyes. "So… We could go with you to tell Toby about what happened to Bobby before we go…"

"I'd actually really like that…" I answered with a slight hesitation as I diverted my gaze to my feet.

"But you… You don't want us to?" Dean questioned sounding angrier than he had previously.

I stepped up in front of him and held his hands saying, "How would you feel if you were in his place? You know to have all three of us… You know…"

Dean snorted out a laugh of recognition saying, "I would totally resent all of us for ganging up on me." He smiled softly then added, "Will you be okay doing it on your own?"

I moved his arms so that I could maneuver myself onto his lap then kissed him softly saying, "No… I'll probably breakdown a few times before then… And most likely while I tell him, but for Toby I'll… I'll do my best. Plus the sooner you guys get that money to Devereaux, the sooner he'll start working to find Dick Roman and find out what that creeper is actually up to here on Earth." Dean sat back straighter with a considering look on his face and I couldn't help but laugh. "Tell me I'm wrong."

Dean smiled softly then finally conceded, "You might have a point."

I ran my fingers over his hairline until Dean gripped my hand and pulled it down to rest in our laps. We then sat there just looking into each other's eyes, but this time we did so as a more comfortable silence engulfed the room. We were both prone to getting lost in our own thoughts and we had always allowed each other to do so freely and this moment was no different. I know that for me the thoughts that ran through my head usually revolved around everything that I wanted to say to Dean while I tried to pick out the least volatile thing to actually say to him. I wanted to, but never could bring myself to ask Dean what he was thinking about in times like this, but deep down I had a feeling that he wasn't just thinking about me. Not that I ever felt slighted by that fact because I had acknowledged long ago that Dean was shouldering way more responsibility than I did for a larger number of people, so I happily accepted that they might (once in a while) occupy a more prominent place in his mind.

Dean started to curl a lock of my hair around his index finger as I watched his mind jump from one thought to another before he finally ceased all movement to sadly say, "Lay… I… I…"

"Dean... Shh…" I interrupted with the confidence that I knew where his brain was headed. "I'm alive, you're alive… That's all that's important. Now, you drive safe and make sure to check in once in a while, okay?"

While I spoke I had led Dean by his hand to the backdoor and opened it wide. Dean leaned down but stopped before he could kiss me, so I closed that small gap between us to kiss him with all of the love that I felt for him in that moment.

Dean ran a hand down the side of my head and said quietly, "Make sure to tell Toby that he can call me if he needs to… Talk."

"Of course," I hoarsely whispered just before Dean turned and walked towards the car that I had driven from Bobby's house.

It wasn't until Sam reappeared with their bags in hand that I noticed that I had sent Dean off without making sure that they had their bags. Sam waved at me after he closed the trunk and they drove away while tears started to fall from my eyes while I waved back to them. Suddenly I realized that I had to tell Toby that Bobby was gone and I wasn't completely confident that I could do that. I almost wanted to run after the Winchesters to beg them to come with me, but in the end I knew Dean and I were right. Toby wouldn't allow himself to react honestly if the brothers were with me, so this definitely was something I would have to be able to do alone. But I took some solace in the fact that night had fallen, so I had at least a few hours that I could use to prepare for the most uncomfortable and dreaded discussion I hoped I would never have had to have with Toby.