Was It Too Soon To Tell?
"Yeah… And I'll call you after to let you know how it turns out."
Before I could tell him he didn't have to do that (actually I wasn't sure that I could handle hearing anymore about Dean and his daughter) Sam had already hung up the phone. I stared at the darkened face of my cordless phone and let out a sigh that sounded painfully close to a sob. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the couch in an attempt to catch my breath and collect my thoughts.
I knew that I shouldn't be upset because I hadn't lied when I had told Sam that Dean was just following my instructions, which should have pleased me. But even with that knowledge I couldn't shake the feeling that I might break down into tears at any second. My chest felt tight and as I ground the heel of my hand into my upper chest I tried to think of what I had eaten today that could have cause me to have such terrible heart burn.
Or maybe it's because I haven't eaten enough today I thought as I pressed my open hand into my left breast just over my heart. Or… Shit… SHIT… FUCK!
The longer I tried to focus all of my attention on the pain emanating from my chest the more familiar it started to feel. My hand started fisting the cloth of my t-shirt so tightly that I nearly tore its seem at the neck. I took in a slow, deep breath through my nose and as I let it out through my mouth before I actually choked out a sob and started crying. This definitely wasn't heart burn that I was fighting, it was heart ache. Although it wasn't as incapacitating as the last time I had felt it (thankfully there was no meddling Arc Angel to distort the sigil and magnify my pain this time) there was no mistaking what my heart was feeling right now. Even though my heart was telling me that it didn't want me to be angry with Dean and that it demanded to be close to him again, I refused to listen and instead just sat there with my eyes closed as silent tears fell from both of my eyes while I tried to ignore it or will it away.
I tried to think of anyone or anything that wasn't Dean but no matter what I attempted to envision, my thoughts nearly instantaneously shifted back to him. This was an all too familiar predicament, so I opened my eyes with an unintelligible, guttural scream as I reached for the first thing that I could find on the coffee table. My hand wrapped around a short crystal tumbler to throw it across the room at a wall as easily as it did when I settled in this very spot to sip at a night cap of scotch at the end of any given day.
Anger started to seep into practically every fiber of my being which thankfully numbed the ache in my heart. The tiny shards of glass that ended up at the base of the wall were completely forgotten during a brief moment of clarity that allowed me to come up with a plan. I knew I couldn't get through all of this on my own and I refused to give into my number one weakness, Dean Winchester, to keep the pain away, so I decided it would be best to enlist someone's help. Well more like 'something's' aid to find a resolution to my current dilemma.
I jumped to my feet and rushed over to the oak entertainment center that I used to keep all of my DVDs and pulled open the only door of the four that could be secured with a lock. My Mum had always made sure to keep this cabinet fully stocked with the herbs from our garden and practically any other ingredient she could get her hands on that could be used for any spell or ritual that a hunter could ever need or think up. Over the years I hadn't been as studious about restocking some of the items that were easily found, but I remained confident that I would find everything I would need in there today.
Inside this part of the cabinet there was a metal safe with some symbols of protection etched into it. When Mum first learned that I was pregnant all those years ago she started baby proofing the house as soon as we got home from Nebraska because she thought (and hoped) that I was going to raise my child here with her. I still don't understand why she hadn't worried about doing this when I was born, but she wanted to make sure that all of her books with some of the most powerful spells and summoning rituals were locked away until my child understood how to be careful around all of the tools of the family trade.
As I turned the dial I couldn't help but let out a sad laugh at the memory of how excited my Mum had been to become a 'Grande Ol' Cheese' (as she loved to call herself). She had been nothing but confident that I would be a great mother, so I made sure not to tell her about any of my doubts about my abilities and was eternally grateful that she had read about my decision to give the baby up for adoption because I don't think that I would have had the guts to tell her myself. My sorrow filled laugh shifted into a playful chuckle as I watched my hand turn the dial of the lock from 13 to 83 and then continued to twist it to 62. Normally that would be enough to hear a loud click to know that the safe was open, but that wasn't good enough for my Mum. She had this lock modified so that it took six numbers instead of three to complete the combination. Tears of happy remembrance started to fall as I moved the dial from 34 to 55 and finished at 42.
"I miss you Mum," I whispered as I finally turned the handle a quarter turn to pull the door open. My Mum had sort of stolen the idea for this combination from John Winchester because he had been partial to using GPS coordinates to communicate specific information to people. My lips quirked back into the same mischievous smile that Mum had worn when she explained that those six digits were a condensed version of the coordinates that would lead you to Adelaide, Australia. At the time she said it was the just the first city name that had popped into her head, but the tears that welled up in her eyes radiated nothing but her unconditional love for me.
I sifted through the book in the metal box to pull out the one I was looking for. My hand lingered on the door handle as I closed and locked the safe while I let myself get lost in some happy memories of my mother. With a firm shake of my head I cleared my mind of those thoughts because I was sure that no matter how much she loved me that she wouldn't approve of this course of action in any way, shape or form and would have done anything in her power to stop me.
In an attempt not to let my doubts overtake me while I double checked what ingredients I needed for this ritual I turned my back on the entertainment center and hopefully the memories it evoked. Once I had memorized the ingredients I needed, I moved as quickly as I could to fish them out of the cabinet before sitting down on the couch once again.
For a couple of minutes I just stared at everything that was needed to complete this part of my plan. I was hoping that if this was the wrong choice that someone (or something) would give me a sign and I would feel it deep down inside that I should divert myself from this course, but I continued to only feel the numbing anger that had been coursing through my veins since I had opened my eyes and smashed the tumbler on the wall after talking to Sam.
Before I could end up being the one to talk myself out of doing this, I swiped my arm across the table top to clear it. With a white grease pencil I copied out the symbol that was in the book and then I place five jar candles at specific points around the symbol. After double checking that the lay out on my coffee table matched that of the image in the book, I then focused my attention on preparing the herbs and other ingredients.
One thing I loved about baking was that all of the ingredients were spelled out with very specific measurements to ensure the success of your dish. If any one item was out of proportion, you would see it in the end result, but so long as you followed the instructions to the letter your dish would turn out perfectly every time. As I poured the last vial into my grey marble mortar and started mixing everything together with the pestle, I silently grumbled to myself about how vague everyone was that had written these texts. All they said in them was that you needed something like 'rose hips', but never how many or how much. What if I needed to crush up four hips to guarantee that the summoning would work properly but I only had three handy to use. How would I know that that was what caused this to fail, well if it did fail, so that I could do it properly the next time I tried?
"Stop it Addy," I scolded myself out loud under my breath. "Now you place the bowl in the center of the table, light it and wait. Don't you dare start fucking doubting yourself now."
While I gave myself those instructions I let the pestle fall to the couch cushion beside me and then I carefully placed the mortar in the middle of the drawing on the table. My hands lingered around the marble bowl as I closed my eyes to say a silent prayer which soon turned into a nervous laugh.
"Pretty sure He's the last one that going to help you make this work," I teased myself with another uncomfortable chuckle.
I quickly double checked that what I had just created on my coffee table looked the same as the picture in the book. Finally I felt satisfied that it look as good as I could get it after I moved a couple of the candles a few inches over. Before I could talk myself out of seeing this through, I struck a wooden match against its box and tossed it into the marble bowl.
I jumped slightly at the large flame that flared up and hadn't realized I had closed my eyes until I noticed that I was sitting in total darkness. My eyes opened slowly to a haze of smoke lingering over the coffee table but I still appeared to be completely alone in the room. I wasn't sure how long a summoning like this usually took to work because I had only ever done this once and Balthazar hadn't been too certain about helping us so he had resisted showing up for as long as he could physically hold out. I scoffed softly as my thoughts once again wandered to Dean and the stories he had told me of performing similar rituals. Of course in all of his tales the being he and Sam had called forward had always shown up by the time the smoke cleared, but now I questioned how true that fact was.
My teeth ground together and I rubbed the heels of my palms into my eyes in an effort not to scream again. I let my hands fall slowly to my sides and took in a few deep, deliberate breaths with my eyes still closed to further calm myself down. As I sat there, I couldn't help but say a quick wish that I wouldn't have to wait much longer (because saying a prayer seemed a little ridiculous and rude right now) and then I forced myself to open my eyes again.
After watching ten minutes tick away on the clock of my DVR, I finally gave up hope of them showing up and forced myself off of the couch. Despite how I felt about driving the final nail into the coffin to mark the end of the era of romance between me and Dean, I still had a job waiting for me to finish. I tried to remind myself that I was excited to head to Wisconsin to help the Reynolds family because Alice had sounded so relieved when I told her that I not only believed her but that I could also help her to put an end to all of what was happening to her and her family as well. The genuine gratitude that I had heard in her voice when I had simply offered to come and banish the spirit that was tormenting her and her parents had actually brought both of us to tears. When I had hung up the phone with her last night I had been really looking forward to finishing this job like I had when I was a teenager. My only goal was to help this one family through their pain and I didn't have to worry about any Heavenly or demonic conspiracies to take over the world which was unbelievably refreshing.
I walked around the table while I tried to keep my mind focused on the job that I had been so elated to find before talking to Sam as I blew out all of the candles. It was more than evident that they weren't going to show so I decided to leave everything in place to possibly give the ritual another try once I returned home from Wisconsin. I couldn't help but wonder if my conflicted emotional state had had an adverse effect on this particular ritual and hoped that this job would help to center me once again so that I could help ensure its success in the future.
"But Lay I wanted…" Dean said in an attempt to make another appeal for forgiveness.
"No!" I yelled over his new plea. I took a couple of steps forward and shoved him towards the front door. "No! I don't give a fuck about anything you have to say. I don't care about what you do anymore! Just… Just get the fuck out of my house!"
Dean opened his mouth to speak so I let out a wordless scream as I push him hard on the torso one last time. Dean almost landed on his ass on the front porch and I didn't wait to see if he found his footing before I slammed the door closed and locked it.
I rested my head against the door to brace myself for a new onslaught of tears that I could feel was going to overtake me. After taking in a slow, deep breath, I held it for a count of ten in the hopes that my tears would fade away. I started to almost pet the door and then I sputtered out a laugh that turned into a sob because it finally occurred to me that locking Dean out of my house was pretty much useless because he had a key for both doors and could let himself in whenever he wanted to just like he had today.
Shit… Shit… FUCK! How the hell do I explain changing the locks to Toby without having to tell him the whole truth? Damn… DAMN… More lies… Great! That's just fucking great Addy! I thought to myself as I gently banged my head against the front door.
I had already decided that whatever this was that I had felt between Dean and I had come to an end, but that didn't mean that he would stop being Toby's 'father'. The two of them had finally fallen into a comfortable rhythm that was similar to the relationship they had forged back when Toby had been aware of his parentage and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship in any way. What had happened was solely between Dean and I, so I was going to try my damnedest not to let our relationship (or lack thereof) affect how anyone else in our (disjointed) family interacted with us.
My lip started to tremble and when I tried to take in another deep breath, it sounded suspiciously like a sniffle, so I just decided to give in to my need to cry. Dean would probably be able to hear my violent sobs if he was still on my front porch, but I was so beyond caring about that and in a way having him hear me in so much agony almost sounded appealing. I had anticipated going through a mourning period after I had decided to call it quits with Dean, but I had completely forgotten how much Dean's presence could affect me and how he could heighten all of my emotions to near incapacitating levels.
As I gave in and let the first few tears fall, I heard a voice from the direction of the den behind me call out, "Adelaide? I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, but… Can I still be of help?"
The voice was only vaguely familiar, but I didn't worry about that too much because there had only been one being that I had reached out to for help, so I let myself relax. I hastily dried my cheeks with my right sleeve before I turned around to face him. The look on his face wasn't what I had anticipated seeing so I opted to try out a more drastic measure with him. I tore off in the direction of my visitor and he thankfully threw his arms out to capture me in an enthusiastic hug.
Sam had reluctantly told me everything that he knew about Cherubs after he and Bobby had summoned a Cupid to help when my tampered sigil had made me so incredibly ill, so I knew about what to expect of Cupid's usual greeting. I was hoping that my whole-hearted hug would help to further ingratiate myself with the angel in case he was in any way reluctant to help me. Sam had also warned me that this class of angel opted for a more 'Au Naturel' approach to their attire than all of the angels with whom I had grown used to interacting, but in all honesty my sheer relief of seeing him in my home had completely blinded me to Cupid's nakedness.
"I really hope you can Cupid," I replied into his shoulder as I squeezed him a little bit tighter in my arms.
Cupid's arms wrapped around my back so that he could return my embrace and lift me off the ground. After he put me back on my feet he took a step back with a bright smile on his face saying, "I guess all that needs to happen is for you to ask for what you need from me Addy."
He looked so cheerful and eager to please me that it actually made my heart ache more than it had after I got off the phone with Sam. The pain quickly started to transform into incredible guilt and I started to second guess the soundness of what I had once thought was a fool proof plan. Even though Cupid could have easily read my mind to get the answer to his question, he just stared at me with a blank, earnest, open expression while he continued to patiently wait for me to formulate my response.
I found it hard to maintain direct eye contact with the angel (especially since he had corrected himself and had addressed me with my less formal nickname without my asking him to like I had needed to numerous times with every other celestial being in my life), so I diverted my gaze to my left arm. While I tried to recompose myself I started to unconsciously pick at the tape holding down the gauze that was covering the wound and found some comfort in the pain that I felt when I pulled the tape off my skin before refastening it. Almost as soon as I moved my eyes, Cupid's eyes followed mine to my newly injured arm. His eyes then darted from the two cuts on my forearm and palm to my face and then back between them at least a dozen times before he caught my wrist between both of his hands.
A sad smile spread across his face as he pet the length of my arm slowly and carefully. On the third pass of his hand's path from my elbow to the tip of the fingers on my left hand, a bright yellow light started to emanate from his palm. I tried to keep my eyes fixed on his, but the light was just too bright for me to try to handle without at least wearing sunglasses. Cupid graciously nodded and I took that as his way of letting me know that he wouldn't be offended if I closed my eyes while he healed my arm and hand.
He continued to hold my left hand and I kept my eyes closed long after my wounds had been healed because I had now lost any confidence that I had mustered up until this moment. This was a being that literally performed his job in the name of love, so how could I presume to ask this of him? And what would I do if he said no? That wasn't something that I had ever considered up until this very point in time.
"Addy? Healing your wounds could have easily been done by any of my brothers… And I know that you've made a lot of Celestial allies over the years… Why…? Umm… Why did you call on me to do this for you?" He asked almost sounding like Toby when he was confused by something I did or said.
I kept my eyes closed as I gently pulled my hand out of his grasp and shook my head whispering, "No… Cupid… That… That isn't why I needed you to come here…" Even to myself that sounded like I wasn't grateful for his healing of the cut whose blood had started to soak through the gauze at an alarming rate, so I opened my eyes to quickly add, "But thank you so, so…"
Before I could finish my statement, Cupid's hand thrust forward to grab at my left breast and I did absolutely nothing to try to stop him. The look in the angel's eyes was so sad that I could tell that there was nothing sexual about his touch and I had to resist the urge to pull him into another tight hug in an effort to try to comfort him and make that sadness disappear. His hand flattened out to press almost painfully into my flesh as sheer terror started to overtake any hint of sadness that had been in his eyes.
I placed a soft hand over his then kept my tone as calm and tender as I could when I said, "This… What you're feeling right now is why I called you. Cupid…? Can…? Can you help me with this? Please…? Pretty, pretty please?"
"Addy… I… I… I don't think that I understand what you need from me," he replied without loosening his grip on my chest at all. "This doesn't feel like what happened to you before with… And…" His lip started to quiver while his tone warbled with tears slightly as he continued, "I… I've never… I don't remember ever… This isn't…"
Seeing the tears that had welled up in the Cherub's eyes caused my own to resurface with a renewed vigor as I replied, "You've never helped someone with a broken heart before?"
"No," he replied through a violent sob. "No my… My… My job… It's to… To ensure that the…" He took in a deep breath then continued much more calmly, "To ensure the hearts are marked so that the souls will find their mates… So that people can live happily ever after together."
I sputtered out a laugh at hearing him talk about his duties so matter-of-factly because it suddenly reminded me of how ludicrous my life had truly become over the past couple of years. While I was growing up, I always knew that I was different from most people because I had been born into a family that had been fighting monsters that the public didn't know or believed existed for generations before my birth, but that turned out to be only the half of it. Being born into the life meant that I would meet the Winchesters and destiny had already decided that I would fall in love with Dean Winchester despite my desires for how I had wanted my life to go when I was a little girl. But now I knew that God had hand-picked us to play an integral role in stopping the complete destruction of our planet and I still struggled to believe that this was my life and not some horrific nightmare that I could someday wake up from to just be a hunter who was wanting to save the world, instead of a hunter destined to give birth to a child that could destroy it.
My laughter seemed only to further confuse the angel, so I removed his hand from my chest and then I held it tightly as I led him to the couch. His eyes never left my face while he finally started to try to search my face and thoughts for the answers that my expression wasn't giving away to him easily. I tried to keep my mind as blank as possible because I didn't want him to accidentally misread any of the images that he might see in my mind right now. Of course my conscious decision to not think of Dean Winchester inevitably led to my mind being preoccupied with nothing but him and everything that had happened over the past forty-eight hours.
Once we were both sitting on the couch, Cupid flinched back away from my hold almost as if someone had slapped him hard against his cheek. New tears welled up in his eyes again as he sluggishly lifted his hand up to his left cheek saying, "You… You two… You're fighting… I mean… You had a really bad fight with Dean, right?"
I slowly pulled his hand away from his face so that I could cup his cheek in the palm of my hand. As I gently stroked his cheek with my thumb in a leisurely back and forth motion I replied, "Yes I did. He and I… Well lately we can barely speak to each other without it turning into World War Three… That's kind of a part of…"
"But why? He interrupted innocently with a tone of pure dismay.
"I've been wondering that too," I said as I released his cheek from my loose hold. He still looked so wide-eyed and innocent that I almost didn't want to finish the rest of my explanation which would 'corrupt' him. No Addy! You need to see this through to the end! I told myself as I stood up and started to pace in the room. "And… Uhh Cupid…? The more I've thought about it… Umm… The more I think I've might have figured it out."
I stopped myself to check on Cupid's reaction to my answer and actually stumbled back a step or two. I had anticipated seeing him sitting up straighter, hands folded in his lap with a thoughtful scowl on his face, much like all of the time Castiel had in the past, but that wasn't anywhere close to what I saw. Instead Cupid was completely relaxed in his seat with an arm slung over the arm rest to his left. If you put a beer in one of his hands and the remote in the other then the angel would have looked like he was just a regular red-blooded American male who was relaxing in front of the TV to watch the game of the week… Well it would have if Cupid had of been fully clothed that is.
That mental image nearly made me laugh out loud again, but I managed to hold it back as Cupid almost timidly asked, "That's great to hear, but… Uhh… Would you mind telling me about it all?"
I smiled down at him then nodded softly. "Of course. You see Cupid, Dean and I have had nothing but a rocky relationship over the past couple of years. We fight then we make up, fight then make up, fight and… Well it's gotten to the point now where the time we've spent on good terms is basically non-existent. It's beyond maddening, so I've tried to figure out why we've gotten to this point and on the drive home today I think that I finally have that all figured out… At least I think I do."
The angel silently watched me as I paced and only quirked his head to the side thoughtfully when I sat back down on the couch. Cupid's continued silence was a bit unnerving because I was used to being interrupted during a convoluted explanation. I used to always hate when someone would jump in during my part of the conversation, but I now realized that that had also helped me in the past to keep from rambling and to just get to the point I was trying to make.
"So what I was thinking was that Dean and I were marked to mate for a specific purpose…" Cupid nodded and a dreamy smile spread across his face making it hard to maintain proper eye contact. When I moved my eyes to look at my hands in my lap, I was once again reminded that he was completely naked. As an embarrassed blush spread across my face, I jumped to my feet to resume my pacing while I continued, "I know that He… Uhh God wanted us to be together so that Dean and Sam wouldn't be the end of the Winchester bloodline and… Well Toby definitely accomplished that…"
"Yes, but Addy…" He finally did jump in when it looked to him like I couldn't find my words to finish my explanation.
"I know Cupid, I know… They're also vessels, so I know that that means that this all couldn't end with just Toby… No matter how much I wish it could. Raphael kindly enlightened me and explained everything about how there has to be a pair… And how Lucifer would be delighted that Toby didn't actually end up having a little sister."
Cupid stood up to hug me and instead of being creeped out by a naked man holding me tightly to himself, I relaxed into his comforting embrace. "Adelaide… Addy… He should never have said that to you. Victoria was a beautiful expression of the love that you and Dean share and that is ALWAYS a welcomed blessing."
"Thanks Cupid," I replied earnestly against his flesh. That Dean and I SHARED… Past tense I thought to myself with a scoff. I pushed out of his embrace but tried my best to make sure that he wouldn't think that I was pushing him away. "I thought so too and it's really nice to hear you say that about her. Really… But that all does bring me to my next point."
I heard the flutter of wings and then suddenly I was standing alone and Cupid was once again sitting (comfortably sprawled out) on the couch. I gave him a grateful nod because he seemed to understand that even thought I really needed his comforting hug that he had given me that there was no way that I could finish this thought while being held in his arms.
"As you already know, Raphael made sure that Dean and I conceived another… Umm… He made sure that Toby now has a brother…" Cupid gave me a skeptical look so I felt compelled to clarify, "The guys didn't lie to you when I was sick, Balthazar truly was the only one who knew the truth about our baby back then, but Eve was more than happy to spill the beans…"
"OH! MY…! Addy! I'm so sorry. You all have had so much to deal with over these past few years."
"Yeah, we have… But… Don't apologize, you… You're not to blame for any of it and really… (I shrugged guiltily) It is kind of a relief to know that I had another boy. It's one less thing for me to wonder about, you know?" He gave me a tight smile because he knew that wasn't the whole truth but he let that white lie slide without comment. "So all of that helped me gain some perspective on my life and I was hoping that you could help me by answering a few questions and… Uhh… Some other stuff."
"If I have the answers, I am more than happy to give them to you Addy," he replied with a giddy clap. "What is it that you want to know?"
I let out the breath I hadn't even noticed I was holding and then I stopped to face him before asking, "What…? What happens when 'happily ever after' is over?" Cupid's bright smile faded into a confused pout at that question. "I mean we've fulfilled our destiny… We did what God wanted from us, so doesn't it make sense that this is logically the end of the line for us?"
Cupid opened his mouth to speak but seemed to be too overcome with sorrow to actually be able to speak, so I quickly added, "I mean isn't that what happens when one of the pair passes away? You know no more fairy tale ending?"
A couple of tears fell from his eyes when he shook his head from side to side. I slipped back onto the couch and took one of his hands in both of mine in a death grip as he answered, "No that's not really how it happens. The… The surviving half doesn't… I mean I've never felt them hurt like your heart is right now. They do mourn, yes, but they will know that their mourning period is over once their mark has faded away along with any lingering pain. The scenario you proposed about you and Dean, I… I've never hear of anything like that happening before, so I really don't know."
"But what about John and Mary? Umm… You know Sam and Dean's parents? They were mated for the same reasons as me and Dean… Can't…? Can't you use them as an example?"
Again he rapidly shook his head from left to right, but he seemed to be calmed by the tears that were now spilling down my cheeks. He didn't seem to be fazed by our rapid exchange of being the 'comforter' to being the 'comforted' so I tried my best not to focus on that at all. I mean he WAS an angel of the Lord, so shouldn't he be used to comforting a lowly, emotional human like me when we're in distress?
"I don't think that Mary Winchester would be an acceptable example right now because her death wasn't anything close to being natural… Not to mention that she was taken away from John while Sam was still a brand new life in this world. You and Dean are obviously very much alive while your second son is…"
"Then why…? How…? How could he have done this to me?" I blurted out tearfully over his explanation before I could try to stop myself. "I mean… No, forget about it… I… I know why he did it Cupid, so don't worry about that. Okay… So you can't answer that particular question… Alright, so maybe you can help me out with something else."
He squeezed my hand then said, "I would do anything within my powers to keep another tear from falling from your eyes because of heart ache Addy."
"I was hoping you would say that Cupid because I think that I know a way for you to do that." I pulled my sleeves over each hand to dry my cheeks and neck in an attempt to further compose myself. He still looked worried, as well as a little hopeful, so I tried to give him an encouraging smile as I said, "If you remove the marks… From both of our hearts… Then… Well then neither of us will ever have to feel this pain ever again… (I let out an indignant snort) Not that he seems to be feeling it at all, but…"
"Adelaide!" He barked out in surprise. "I mean Addy… Addy if… If your heart is emanating this much pain then he most definitely will be feeling something close to this as well."
"Oh… Okay… But… See? So you do a little mojo, wipe these things off our hearts for good and then we'll both be put out of our misery. Win, win. Please Cupid?" I pleaded as I squeezed his hand tightly between both of mine and held it against my chest. "Please Cupid? This… That's the real reason why I called out to you yesterday… To fix this mess… Please?"
"Addy I… I don't know… Well I'm not even sure that I can," he replied while running a soothing hand up and down the length of my arm.
I nearly threw the angel's hand into his lap as I jump back and out of his reach crying out, "But… Dean… He… He said that you could have… Oh my… Oh God… Fuck…"
Before Cupid could respond, I jumped to my feet to run to the bathroom just on the other side of the kitchen and fell to my knees just before I started vomiting. As I continued to heave over the toilet bowl Cupid appeared behind me to bundle my hair into a loose ponytail between his hands so that it wouldn't fall victim to the violent onslaught of regurgitation that was happening right now. After the full contents of my stomach (meager as they were) were expelled into the porcelain bowl I remained on my knees, laid my arm over the toilet seat and then rested my head against my forearm without even noticing the horrific stench that filled the small room. My heart was racing, so I tried to calm myself down by panting in a few dozen breaths. I nearly started crying hysterically again (much to my chagrin) but stopped myself when I felt Cupid kneel down behind me to start to rub soothing circles with his palm against my back.
"Addy… Addy… Addy…" The angel repeated with a soft, reprimanding tease.
"It's okay Cupid," I said as I stood up and rinsed my mouth out in the sink with some cold water from the tap. I kept my eyes trained on the water (and small bits of whatever) swirling down the drain as I continued to hoarsely say, "It's just… Well I guess I really shouldn't be all that surprised… You know given everything that's happened."
Cupid placed a gentle hand on my back then nearly whispered beside my right ear, "You misunderstood what I said to you." He stood up again to look me in the eye via my reflection in the mirror. "Dean really did just ask that I fix your mark once we all knew that that was what was making you so horrifically ill. He told me that he didn't want me to remove it at all because it was a part of you, a part of the person he loved so much, and that it wasn't his choice to make, so the sigil should stay."
"So?" I clarified as I tried to my best to keep the near uncomfortable eye contact through the mirror with him. "He didn't even ask if you could erase them for the two of us?"
"No Dean didn't… But Addy…? Please don't doubt that he really did… I mean that he really does want to be paired up with you," Cupid answered while trying to reassure me.
I turned to face him and said with as much humor as I could muster, "This isn't Noah's Arc Cupid, and we don't have to go marching in two by two right now…" He didn't seem to understand my humor so I tried a different tactic by asking, "Did you know back then that you couldn't remove our marks? Because when I woke up Dean said that any of you guys… Uhh… Any angels of the 'Cherub' class could easily remove them without harming anyone involved. What has changed your mind now?"
"What I told Dean back then is still the complete, honest truth… In general, but…" He once again placed his hand on my chest over my heart with an indiscernible look clouding the expression on his face. My mind was racing as fast as my heart was beating in this moment of time which caused the angel's face to contort into a sympathetic frown solely for my benefit. "But when I healed you back then, I noticed that the marks on your heart felt different from any brand me or my brothers had put on anyone else, so I assumed Dean's would be different too. As surprising as that was I can't really say that it's all that unusual since it appears that God Himself was the one that placed the marks on your heart." I stared at him blankly so he playfully added, "It's the only way that I've come up with for His plan to stay secret from the rest of us… Some of my brothers and sisters are terrible at keeping a secret like that… Just look at Raphael…"
I chuckled at his well place joke before I bit my trembling lip hard and then I tried to keep my voice as even as possible as I asked, "So you…? You can't…? I mean you won't even try to fix this?"
A familiar yellow light seeped out between the Cherub's palm and my chest while he calmly answered, "Addy I didn't say that I would at least make some attempts to do what you have asked of me… I just wanted you to go into this with the awareness that it might not work despite any of my efforts… Or rather despite my desire to give you a level playing field to create your own type of happiness without our interruptions or interventions."
I squeezed my eyes closed, grabbed his free hand to laced our fingers together to press my right palm to his left open faced hand and whispered, "Thank you Cupid! Thank you so much for trying. No matter what happens from here on out, thank you for at least giving it a try."