Note - Rated T for swearing, references to suicide, and Bible polishing.

Other note - I am not responsible for the loss of any brain cells or IQ points that result from reading this parody.

TRIB FORCE: TEH MOVIE

ACT II

Scene I: Night, at the church. Bruce is standing in front of a slide projector showing apocalyptic paintings throughout the ages.

Bruce: … and that's how we know that all of the Christians have been Raptured up to heaven and the reign of the Antichrist is about to start. In case you missed the end of the first movie. I mean book.

Rayford: *nudges Chris* This is the good part.

Chris: *to Ray* I can't believe you dragged me here. I'd literally rather shoot myself.

Bruce: So we know that the Antichrist will come posing as a Messiah figure. Does that remind you of anyone?

Random woman: Nicolae Carpathia!

Random man: Carpathia? No way! He's way too peace loving!

Random woman: Are you kidding? You've seen his new haircut! He's totally evil.

*mumbled assent*

Bruce: People! People! Just because someone has an evil-looking haircut doesn't make them- *Chloe slides him a photo of Carpathia's new haircut.* Oh, yeah. He's totally evil. And … *looks more closely* I think he might be gay too.

*Chris storms out; Rayford and Buck follow.*

Scene II: Outside the church.

Chris: This is such utter bullshit! You expect me to sit here and listen to how Nicolae Carpathia is gay and how God has to save me from what a bad person I supposedly am?

Buck: We're all bad people! Like, have you ever lied?

Chris: Yeah.

Buck: Have you ever stolen?

Chris: Well there was this one time in Vegas where this cross-dressing stripper tried to sell me a pet iguana and I…

Buck: Just answer the question.

Chris: Yes.

Buck: Then you're a liar and a thief. So you need Jesus to save you from those attributes! Jesus loves everyone!

Chris: You're saying Jesus will love me if I'm a liar?

Buck: Yes!

Chris: Even if I'm a thief?

Buck: Yes!

Chris: Even if I'm an atheist?

Buck: Hell no! You're on your own there!

Chris: Wow, screw this religion! I'm going home to literally shoot myself! *storms off*

Rayford: Do you think he's going to literally shoot himself?

Buck: Nah, he's just blowing off steam. Come on, let's go back inside. I want to see Carpathia's new haircut.

Scene III: After the service Rayford goes to Chris' place. Chris is sitting there with a gun to his head.

Rayford: Whoa. There was absolutely no warning that this was going to happen.

Chris: Well, aside from the obvious, I just called Christianity bullshit. That's a clear indication that I secretly hate God and am suicidal, and not that it's actually bullshit.

Rayford: Don't do it, Chris! Nicolae Carpathia wants you to do it!

Nicolae Carpathia: Wait, seriously? Then I'd have one less follower. Why would I want that?

Rayford: Shut up, you just do!

Nicolae: *shrugs* I'd probably bomb the hell out of him in the next movie anyway.

Rayford: Right, see Chris? The Antichrist wants you dead.

Chris: Wow, I've never thought of it that way. I guess I should become a Christian after all!

Rayford: YAY!

Scene IV: Rayford goes home to the Trib Force.

Rayford: … And then I got to watch Chris come to Jesus. It was so powerful.

Chloe: Why does nothing in these movies make any sense?

Rayford: What?

Chloe: Why would the Antichrist want him to kill himself? Wouldn't that leave him fewer followers?

Nick: Thank you!

Chloe: *to Nick* And you're not even in this scene! *Nick leaves*

Bruce: Look, Chloe, you've read the Bible. That's the ultimate word of the God who made the world, right?

Chloe: Yeah.

Bruce: And does anything in the Bible make sense?

Chloe: No.

Bruce: So why should anything else in the world make sense? You just sort of gotta go with it.

Chloe: *Sigh* I guess you're right.

*Buck walks in*

Buck: Hey Chloe.

Chloe: *fangirly* Hey Buck! Wow, you looked so hot on TV tonight! *clears throat and tries to recover but fails* Um, I mean, not like sexy hot but like … um … um … unsexy hot. I mean, not that you didn't look sexy, you just looked, um… oh, look at the time, I have to go polish my … Bible. *slinks off*

Buck: Polish her Bible?

Rayford: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Bruce: That's not a euphemism I've ever heard. And I should know. Did you know that there are 137 different euphemisms for—

Buck: *points* Look! Scantily clad Asian chicks!

Bruce: Where?

*Buck and Rayford duck out of the room before Bruce can go on.*

Scene V: In the church the next day. Chloe is looking through an old photo album when Buck joins her.

Buck: What are you looking at?

Chloe: Old family photos. The church used to put out an album every year. *points* See, this is Raymie. And this is my mom.

Buck: *points at next picture* And that's you?

Cloe: Yeah.

Buck: You wore a "Buck William's #1 Fan" t-shirt for your church picture?

Chloe: Oh crap! (slams book shut) I don't know what you're talking about!

Buck: Hey, don't worry about it. You know, if there was a Chloe Steele fan club, I would definitely be in it.

Chloe: Really?

Buck: Yeah. I mean, it would never be as big as my fan club or anything, since you're not The Greatest International Reporter of All Time, but I'd still join it.

Chloe: *blushing* Wow. Thanks Buck.

*Bruce and Rayford Enter*

Bruce: Ok, enough flirting, you two. Time for serious Trib Force business. Rayford was so inspired by Chris' conversion that he's decided to work for the Antichrist!

*Chloe raises her hand.*

Bruce: Yes, Chloe?

Chloe: I don't understand how seeing someone convert to Christianity is supposed to inspire anyone to chauffeur the Antichrist around.

Ray: It's like Bruce said yesterday. The Word of God doesn't make any sense, so why would anything else make sense? I just have the feeling that this is God's will.

Buck: Awesome! We can work for the Antichrist together!

Chloe: Ok, now I really don't get this. You both feel strangely compelled to work for an evil man who you know has psychic brainwashing powers? And neither of you find this the least bit odd?

Buck: Nope.

Ray: Nope.

Buck: Divine protection and whatnot. His powers don't work on us.

Chloe: So you're just choosing to assist him? That's even worse! *storms off*

*awkward pause*

Rayford: She's been awfully emotional this past week. Must be her time of the month.

Bruce: Makes sense. So anyway, Ray, now all we have to do is find a way to make sure you get the job.

Buck: Well, since one of my best friends is Nicolae's media guru, and Nicolae seems determined to do anything to get me onto his side, I'm sure I could recommend you.

Rayford: No need! I've got a better idea...