A/N: Thanks, as usual, for reading, and thank you autumnrose2010 and Myrkin for your lovely reviews!
ACT III
Scene I: Rayford shows up at the airport where Hattie is working.
Rayford: Hey Hattie.
Hattie: (coldly) Ray.
Rayford: So ... I need you to help me get a job.
Hattie: I can't believe you, Ray. You actually have the gall to ask me for help right now?
Rayford: Yes? Look, if you're still upset about the whole stringing-you-along-while-married-to-another-woman-thing, I think it's time to forgive and forget.
Hattie: Forgive and forget? It was a week ago!
Rayford: Oh yeah. But Hattie, I'm a changed man!
Hattie: Funny how you changed just in time for this job to open up.
Rayford: Look, Hattie, I know I messed up, but I want to make things better. I want to give something back, and I really feel like flying this plane is the best way to do it. You know I'm one of the best pilots out there.
Hattie: *sighs* Ok. I'll talk to Nicolae about it.
Rayford: Thanks, Hattie! I could kiss you fight now!
Hattie: *stares*
Rayford: In a totally platonic way, of course.
Scene II: Back at the church, Chloe walks into Bruce's office.
Bruce: Hey Chloe, what's up?
Chloe: I have to ask you a question. What do you think about relationships at a time like this?
Bruce: Geez, Chloe, you're a lot younger than my usual type… but you're pretty hot, and it's the end of the world, so I say let's do this! This is just like that one porno where-
Chloe: ACK! I didn't mean you! I meant Buck!
Bruce: Oh. Right. I knew that. Um… I think you should ask him.
Chloe: *awkwardly edged towards door* Yeah. I'll just be going now… to talk to Buck…
Bruce: But if he says 'No,' you know where to find me!
Chloe: ...
Bruce: I'm just saying.
Scene III: Chloe shows up at Buck's and Ivy opens the door in a bathrobe.
Ivy: What?
Chloe: *breathlessly* Is Buck here?
Ivy: Does it looks like Buck's here? What are you, another one of his fan girls?
Chloe: No, I mean, I was kind of hoping for an autograph, but it's more than that! I'm going to marry him!
Ivy: Ok, crazy-stalker-girl, you need to take a step back before I call the cops.
Chloe: You don't understand! This is true Jesus-approved love! *sees engagement ring* Wait a second. You're engaged?
Ivy: You just figured that out?
Chloe: OH, I AM SO OVER HIM! (storms off)
Scene IV: The next day. Rayford and Chloe are in the kitchen when the phone rings. Rayford answers.
Chloe: If that's Buck Williams, tell that two-timing scumbag I hope he crawls into a hole and dies!
Rayford: *into phone* Hello?
Buck: Hey, Ray, can I talk to Chloe?
Ray: Uh… *looks over; Chloe is still standing 5 feet away, glaring menacingly* Not right now. What's up?
Buck: It's just that she's been acting weird lately.
Rayford: What do you mean?
Buck: Like this morning when I walked into Bible study, I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hey, two-timing scumbag, why don't you crawl into a hole and die?"
Rayford: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I caught that.
Buck: Do you think it would be alright if I stopped by tonight to talk to her.
Rayford: Sure, no problem.
Buck: Great, I'm heading over now.
*hangs up*
Chloe: Who was that?
Rayford: Um… vacuum cleaner salesman?
Chloe: Vacuum cleaner salesman? We're a week into the apocalypse!
Rayford: Exactly! Between earthquakes, plagues, and flaming hail, think how much cleaning up there is to do!
Chloe: *walks out of the room, shaking her head*
Scene V: Buck is leaving his apartment. He presses the down button to the elevator, but it starts to go up.
Buck: What the—
*Doors open onto the roof to reveal a stunning view of New York and a helicopter landing on the roof in front of Buck. Nicolae Carpathia steps out.*
Nicolae: Sorry for the dramatics, Mr. Williams, but you see it was the only way to convince you to go along with my plan.
Buck: For goodness' sakes, Nicolae, I've already told Steve I'm not gay! If this is your plan to seduce me-
Nicolae: What? NO! My plan is to hire you as editor of my international media empire! Why do you think I'm gay? It's the haircut, isn't it?
Buck: Actually (points to table several yards away) in this case it's the candlelit table for two set on the rooftop with roses in a vase and … and are those the violinists from Titanic?
*Violinists wave.*
Nicolae: Don't you like Titanic? But it's the most romantic movie of the- I mean *clears throat* of course you don't like Titanic! This isn't for you. It's for … Hattie.
Hattie: *peeks out of helicopter* Really?
Nicolae: Yes. Right. For you, Hattie. I thought we would celebrate the consolidation of my media empire with a romantic candlelit dinner.
*Hattie swoons.*
Nicolae: But first, Mr. Williams, will you agree to run my media empire?
Buck: Yes, ok, if it will get me out of here.
Nicolae: For better or for worse?
Buck: Yes.
Nicolae: In sickness and in health?
Buck: Uh… sure.
Nicolae: For richer or for poorer … but mostly for richer, since I'll pay you a crazy awesome salary.
Buck: Look, there's actually a girl I was on my way to visit, so if we could just finish this up…
Nicolae: *disappointed* Oh, a girl. Because you're into girls. I mean, so am I. Sure, go. I'll just be … off to my date. Which is with a girl.
Hattie: Sweet!
Scene VI: Buck shows up at the house and knocks on the door. Chloe looks out the window and sees him.
Chloe: (calling upstairs) Daddy, I need to borrow your UZI!
Ray: Chloe, you know it's not ok to shoot random people with UZIs until the 8th book.
Chloe: Dang. *opens door* What is it, jerk?
Buck: Uh... it's good to see you too.
Chloe: You have nine minutes to explain what you're doing here, and then I really am getting an UZI.
Buck: Um, ok. I came to find out what the problem is?
Chloe: Why don't you ask your fiancee!
Buck: My WHAT? I don't have a fiancee.
Chloe: Then who's the hot chick in the bathrobe staying at your place.
Buck: Ivy? She's just crashing there for the weekend. She's my assistant.
Chloe: *relieved* Oh! Boy do I feel dumb! It's totally ok that your assistant is hanging out half-naked at your place, because it's not like anybody ever sleeps with their assistant.
Nicolae: Nope.
Hattie: Never.
Chloe: *glowers* Once again, you guys are not in this scene.
*Nick and Hattie leave.*
Chloe: *happily—taking his hands* Oh Buck! I'm so glad we cleared up that misunderstanding!
Buck: Me too! Now we can fall in love and get married in an awkward double wedding with your dad!
Chloe: Um… sure! *leans in for a kiss*
Buck: *holds up hand* Whoa.
Chloe: What? I thought you liked me?
Buck: I do, but...
Chloe: But isn't this the obligatory 'male and female leads overcome the conflict and rediscover their love for each other with a passionate kiss' scene?
Buck: Normally, but this is a Christian movie. We can't risk offending any of the more conservative members of the audience.
Chloe: *coyly* You know, there are plenty of things we could do that aren't technically kissing…
Buck: No.
Chloe: Fine. Can we at least hug?
Buck: *thinks about it* I guess so. But leave room for the Holy Spirit.
*They hug.*
Audience: Awww, how family friendly!
Scene VII: The next morning.
Rayford: So I heard you and Buck downstairs last night. You guys ok again?
Chloe: Yeah, turns out it was a misunderstanding, but we talked it out. After that we had a pretty low-key night. I invited him inside for some coffee, we talked for a bit, and then he helped me polish my Bible.
Rayford: He WHAT?
Chloe: What?
Rayford: Look here, young lady! There is nothing in the Good Book against you polishing your own Bible, but if you want somebody else to polish your Bible for you, you had darn well better be married to them!
Chloe: Dad, what are you talking about? You know that fancy old Bible mom had with the bronze plate in the front? Buck asked about it, and I noticed it was looking a little shabby, so while we were talking I polished it.
Rayford: So you were … actually polishing a Bible?
Chloe: Of course. What did you think we were doing?
Rayford: Nothing. Never mind. Look at the time. Gotta go meet Hattie so we can fly with the Antichrist. *runs off*
Chloe: *suspiciously* So that's what the kids are calling it these days…