ACT IV
Scene I: Chloe runs into Hattie at the airport.
Hattie: Oh, hey Chloe. What are you doing here?
Chloe: Just dropping off my dad. My pastor says I shouldn't go back to school since education is for heathens, so I have nothing better to do. Except maybe brood about whether love is appropriate at a time like this.
Hattie: Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
Chloe: You do?
Hattie: Yeah, I've been seeing this guy…
Chloe: Me too!
Hattie: And sometimes it's like this relationship is a great idea, you know?
Chloe: Completely.
Hattie: But sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't be distracting him from his responsibilities. He's an important man, after all…
Chloe: Exactly!
Hattie: … and taking over the world is a big job.
Chloe: Wait, what?
Hattie: Yeah, I want to be like, 'Listen, Nicolae, I know you're in the middle of establishing a global empire, but I'm a woman and I have needs! Just because we have freaking amazing sex doesn't mean you can distance yourself emotionally!'
Chloe: But you're … that is … what?
Hattie: *only half paying attention* You're right, Chloe. Maybe I'm just being selfish. *looks at watch* Oh, but I'd better go. I'm meeting Nicolae in a few minutes. Time to fly with the Antichrist!
Chloe: HERE?! BUT YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN AIRPORT!
Hattie: *stares at her like she's crazy* Um … that was a joke. Because I know Rayford thinks Nicolae is the Antichrist? And we're flying to Jerusalem for the weekend?
Chloe: Oh, so you're actually flying. In an airplane. With Nicolae. Right. That's … all I thought you meant.
Hattie: Of course that's all I meant! And once we get to Jerusalem, we're gonna have super kinky sex! Well, see ya!
Chloe: …
Scene II: On the plane, Rayford runs into Buck.
Rayford: I'm going to go spy on Nicolae instead of piloting this plane.
Buck: Good idea. I'm going to go do nothing, even though as Nicolae's new media guru it would look way less suspicious for me to be going through his files than it would for you.
Rayford: Cool, so I'm glad we agree on this plan.
*Rayford sneaks back into Nicolae's computer and copies some files onto a disk. Dramatic music accompanies him. He slips the disk into his pocket just as Nicolae steps out of the board room.*
Nicolae: Captain Steele? What are you doing here?
Rayford: Uh… just giving Hattie our ETA.
Nicolae: *suspiciously* Is that all you're doing?
Rayford: Um… um… I WASN'T STEALING VALUABLE INFORMATION TO GIVE TO THE OPPOSITION IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!
Nicolae: Well, of course I knew you weren't doing that. I mean, was there another reason you wanted to talk to Hattie?
Rayford: Huh?
Nicolae: Captain Steele, do you still have a thing for Hattie?
Rayford: What?! NO!
Nicolae: Good. Because Hattie's my girlfriend now. Just so that's understood. Not that I'm sexually threatened by you or anything.
Rayford: That's good.
Nicolae: I mean, sure you're an ultra manly-man who pilots fully loaded 747s for a living…
Rayford: Uh…
Nicolae: …and sure Hattie thinks that's hot, um, in a platonic father-figure sort of way…
Rayford: What?
Nicolae: … and sure she sometimes screams your name during sex…
Rayford: WHAT?!
Nicolae: … but I have two things that you never will Captain Steele. Those things are world domination and a sexy foreign accent.
Rayford: …
Nicolae: Never underestimate the power of a sexy foreign accent, Captain Steele. It's the reason that I hit that, and you never will. Now give it to me.
Rayford: Er… you know I'm not gay, ri-?
Nicolae: I meant give me the ETA. So I can hand it to Hattie.
Rayford: Oh. Yes. That. Of course. *hands over the ETA and slinks off awkwardly*
Scene III: After the awkward plane flight, Ray and Buck have checked into a hotel and are sitting in their room.
Rayford: I stole this file from Nicolae's computer.
Buck: Wow, good work! Did he see you?
Rayford: Nope, and absolutely nothing of interest happened.
Buck: Well, that's good. So let's open this sucker up and see what cool spy information it has inside!
*They stick the disc into a laptop, open the file, and scroll down—Buck gasps!*
Buck: This is terrible!
Ray: What?!
Buck: It's a copy of Ben Judah's speech! He was going to reveal to the world that Jesus is the Messiah, but the entire speech has been edited so that it says Nicolae is the Messiah instead. We can't let TBJ say this on international TV, or everyone will be convinced that Nicolae is the Messiah and they'll start worshipping him!
Ray: Because if anyone on TV announces that they've found the Messiah, everyone takes that person completely seriously!
Buck: Exactly!
Ray: How can we stop this from happening?
Buck: We have to witness to Ben Judah and convince him to turn to Jesus. It's the only way!
Ray: But if Nicolae has the power of mind-control like you've said, no doubt he's using that power on Ben Judah. It will take a lot more than the two of us to break the spell. If only he could hear the truth from someone who had been sent straight from God and imbued with the powers of heaven…
Buck: That's it! We'll get him face to face with the two witnesses at the Wailing Wall. If anyone can break Nicolae's spell, it would be those two. I'll just tell Nicolae that I'm going to interview the prophets and I want Ben Judah along to help me discredit them.
Ray: Perfect! Wait—just out of curiosity, how do you know that Ben Judah was going to announce that the Messiah was Jesus?
Buck: Because it refers to the prophecy "The Messiah will be pierced without breaking a bone!" That's a clear reference to Jesus!
Ray: Couldn't that apply to almost any kid who's ever gotten a splinter? Or a shot? Or a nose ring?
Buck: No, no, it has to refer to Jesus. Also Carpathia apparently sucks at using MS Word because instead of using the delete key, he just typed his name in next to the word 'Jesus.'
Ray: Wow, that's lucky for us! It's a good thing all Eastern Europeans—including the former President of Romania—are confounded by Western technology!
Buck: It's a good thing these stories don't cater to racist and sexist stereotypes at all.
Ray: Yep!
Scene IV: Buck is walking through the halls of their Jerusalem office when he runs into Hattie.
Buck: Hey, Hattie, have you seen Steve Plank around?
Hattie: I just saw him go by. He should be back in a few minutes. Actually, Buck, can I talk to you for a second?
Buck: Sure, what's up?
Hattie: Do you have a thing for Nicolae?
Buck: WHAT? NO! No.
Hattie: Good. I was a little worried. Not that I'm sexually threatened by you or anything.
Buck: That's … good?
Hattie: I mean, sure, you're like the greatest reporter in the history of the world…
Buck: Well, yeah. Yeah, I am.
Hattie: …and sure Nicolae thinks that's hot in a non-gay just-taking-over-the-world way…
Buck: What?
Hattie: … and sure he sometimes screams your name during sex…
Buck: WHAT?!
Hattie: …but now I feel confident that he'll be completely faithful to me and never try to murder me or any future unborn children of ours! Thanks, Buck! Oh, hey, here's Steve! *rushes off*
Steve: Hey Buck! What's up?
Buck: Steve! I have the best idea ever! I'm going to discredit the wit- uh, fire-breathing men on international TV!
Steve: Can't do that. The UN is blocking off the wailing wall.
Buck: Fine, I'll just sneak in.
Steve: You can't sneak in! I'm telling Nicolae on you! *rushes off*
Buck: Aw, crap.
Scene V: Steve and Hattie are talking to Nicolae in his office.
Steve: I think Buck Williams might want to sneak out to the Wailing Wall and interview those two fire-breathing guys.
Nicolae: What?! That is completely unacceptable! From now on, anyone who tries to talk to them will be shot on sight!
Steve: Ok, that's … a little extreme. I'll go let Buck know about the new rule.
Nicolae: Not necessary.
Steve: You don't want me to tell Buck? So… you went to all this trouble to convince the Greatest International Reporter of all time to work for you, and you're just going to let him get shot? Why?
Nicolae: *shrugs* I'm evil. What part of "You're on my evil-taking-over-the-world team," did you not understand?
Steve: Oh yeah.
Hattie: Makes sense.
Nicolae: And it has nothing to do with the fact that he broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. *choked sobs*
Steve and Hattie: …
Hattie: *clears throat* So, well just go with the evil theory then, yeah?
Nicolae: Yeah. Yeah, that's what I meant.