It's a bit difficult for you but you do it. You open your eyes and the bright sunshine streaming through the window hits your face. You curse and roll on your stomach to hide from the light — you've never been a fan of it and it reminds you of your mother and how the sunshine made her hair look dark blue instead of the black it really was. Was. You begin to hate that word.
You remind yourself to tell Itachi to stop pulling the curtains apart every morning. He is not going to listen but you feel at peace, as odd as it sounds, when you're snapping at him. It is a routine, you know, something that's been a constant and hasn't changed, and something that reminds you of your parents. You imagine your mother frowning, and despite the fondness in her eyes, she tells you to stop squabbling like little children and enjoy your time together like mature people. It is strange to you, how some memories make you happy, while others devastate you.
You would nod but roll your eyes at each other when she turns away from you. Your father would catch you and give you a warning look but there's a curl to his lips.
When you go downstairs, you find Itachi at the table. He's sitting at the head of the table, where your father used to sit, and your hands clench inside your pockets. You walk with robotic movements, stiff and sharp, and you take your seat on Itachi's left because the right is reserved for your mother. Itachi folds the newspaper and sets it aside and then slowly, his eyes meet yours.
You are overwhelmed with memories. You, five years old, crying because you fell off the tree trying to get your ball back. Itachi, calmly taking care of your injuries and quietly telling you to be careful, and if you ever need help again, please call him — aniki —to avoid hurting yourself again.
Then you are seven, and you have your report card with you. You're happy because you have only As and you want to show your father. But he isn't there. You're unhappy and you sit in your room and stare at your perfect scores and you feel angry at him for not being there again. Itachi finds you and when he takes the report card in his hands, there's a single teardrop drying in the center of the paper. He sits on the bed next to you and puts his hand on your shoulder.
"You did well, Sasuke." He tells you and then he frames the report card. You watch in wonder as he puts the frame in the showcase in Father's study, the one that displays all of Itachi's trophies. You smile brightly when you see it at the very front and you hug Itachi tightly, a whispered 'thank you, aniki' lingering in the air between you.
You are ten, and you have gotten in trouble in school. It's Naruto's fault but your father doesn't accept this as an excuse. You should have known better, he tells you, you are an Uchiha! Your brother stands up for you, and even though you've long stopped worshiping him and started hating him for being your father's favourite, you listen to him and you thank him wordlessly, using only your eyes. He understands and the glare he gives your father makes you hate him just a little bit less.
His voice distracts you from your thoughts. He is speaking and you only catch the middle of his sentence and flick your wrist dismissively. He is talking about a relative who wants to visit, a cousin or an aunt, but you don't care. You have had enough of people pretending to care.
"Sasuke," Itachi sounds stern and he reminds you so much of your father, that you unconsciously shrink in your chair and wait for him to tell you what you aren't doing right. "The principle called me yesterday. He said you've been talking back to the teachers again."
You roll your eyes and straighten again. You don't answer and instead work on ruining the carefully arranged onigiri on your plate.
"This can't go on, Sasuke. Your teachers aren't going to take this for much longer. There is a limit to people's sympathy." Itachi reaches out and grasps your wrist, stopping you from stabbing the last onigiri. You look up and you know you look annoyed. Itachi doesn't back down and he stares calmly at you, but the strong grasp he has on your wrist tells you otherwise. "Stop this, Sasuke. Don't ruin yourself."
You yank your wrist from his grasp and pull your chair back. The chair's legs scrape loudly against the floor and in your head, your mother's reprimanding you while brandishing a spatula. There's a small smile curling at the corners of your lips and you turn your back on Itachi's mildly confused look. "Che. Leave me alone."
He does.
...
You arrive at school and see Sakura standing under the shade of the huge oak tree, talking to some guy, who is gesturing wildly around with his hands. He has this look in his eyes, a look that you, as a male, understand perfectly. He likes Sakura. You shove your hands in your pockets and cross the parking lot with a few strides of your long legs. It doesn't take long for Sakura to notice you and her entire face lights up when she sees you. She puts a hand on the boy's shoulder to stop him from talking and she says something quietly. You guess it's goodbye, because the boy's shoulders sag in disappointment and he watches wistfully as she turns and walks away from him.
Towards you.
You try not to smirk at the thought.
"Hey." She greets you with a smile. Her fruity perfume invades your senses and you takes a small step forward. Sakura's smile widens and she hugs the light blue binder closer to her chest. "Shall we go, then? Naruto said he's saving us seats."
You nod and you head towards the main building. There is going to be a lecture about drugs and alcohol. It's because of the scandal with the group of high school kids found in the forest a couple of days ago. Two of them dead from overdose, the others already chucked in rehab. You roll your eyes in annoyance. You're not stupid enough to take drugs, even to somehow numb your pain. The school doesn't care and you have to attend, but you don't mind as much as you pretend to. Naruto and Sakura will be there to keep you company.
You study Sakura, from her long pink hair pulled in a high ponytail, to her short summer dress and wedge sandals. She looks beautiful and alive and you want to reach out and touch her to make sure she is real, that she is there and not going to leave you. But you refrain. Your hands ball in fists in your pockets but you keep quiet. You've always been good at keeping your emotions to yourself.
"So, Naruto and I were thinking of going to the pep rally this year." She says and you grimace. You have never liked crowds and practically the whole school gathers for the pep rallies. You've never liked sports, either. You played before, only because your father expected you to, but he is dead and you feel wrong dressed in football gear, knowing he'll never see you score a touchdown ever again. You want to tell her that. You want to tell her everything and watch as the light slowly goes off in her green eyes and how her mouth opens but no sounds come out because she doesn't know what to say. But you don't. Because you're not cruel.
Sakura sees your grimace, but doesn't see the rest of your inner turmoil. She rolls her eyes at you good-naturedly and speaks again. "Come on, Sasuke! I know you don't like crowds and people, yadda yadda yadda." She rolls her eyes again to emphasize her point and you feel like sticking your tongue out but you don't. Because Uchihas don't do that. "But this is our last year, Sasuke, might as well make it our best! It won't do us bad if we show some school spirit, too." When she sees your expression, she frowns.
"Come on, Sasuke! We're going to get one of those silly flags with the school insignia on it and wave it around like lunatics. We're going to shout with the rest of the school when they score. We're gonna eat some of that disgustingly unhealthy but utterly delicious food they sell and we're going to enjoy it. Because we're meant to do stuff like that. We're in high school, Sasuke." She grabs your elbow and you stop along with her. She steps in front of you and looks up at you, green eyes wide and pleading, and you know, without a doubt, that she has you under her spell.
"Fine." You say finally. The word comes out almost unwillingly but it's worth it to see her eyes light up. She claps her hands together happily and you see that she wants to hug you, but she doesn't. You frown, because you know you're the reason she refrains.
When you see Naruto, she throws her arms around him and gives him one of the biggest hugs as a greeting. You try not to feel jealous as Naruto laughs and lifts her from the ground, spinning her around. And you try to ignore the stab in your heart when she lets out one of her musical laughs, ruffles Naruto's hair and hugs him tighter.
You know there is nothing going on between them, but you know Naruto has a crush on her. You don't blame him.
When they finally let go of each other, you see a light blush on your best friend's tan cheeks and you look away. Sakura doesn't notice but she never does. She only has eyes for you and you feel cruel satisfaction in knowing Naruto has no chance, because she's yours, even if you don't accept her.
"Come on." Naruto says. "I saved us the best seats." In Naruto speak, this means he has saved you the seats at the back, at the far corner, where nobody can see you and thus nag you for not paying any attention. You follow your friends there and you sit on Naruto's left, and Sakura sits on his right. He is always in the middle. You don't know why but you feel it's right, and you don't question it.
"Look." Sakura's excited voice brings you back to the present and you look over at them. Sakura hands Naruto a sheet of paper, and on it, she has drawn two manga characters that you don't know the name of, engaged in a fierce battle. The colours are bright and the lines are sharp and defined. Sakura has talent, you muse.
Naruto thinks so too. "Sakura-chan, that's awesome!" He says and he looks at it in awe. "How do you do this stuff?"
Sakura shrugs modestly, her cheeks going a little pink at Naruto's praise. You want to touch her cheeks, to feel the warmth they must radiate, but you don't. Your hands ball in fists and you stay quiet. You watch as they start talking excitedly, looking blissfully cheerful and carefree. You are reminded again, how you'll never be like them.
You ignore them for the rest of the lecture.
...
"What are you eating, Sakura-chan?" Naruto's disgusted voice makes you turn and you watch as Sakura smears some gooey substance on a warm bagel she bought from the pavilion next to the school.
"Something healthy." Sakura replies and moves her Tupperware container towards Naruto. It's full of this gooey substance. "It's called hummus." She says. "And it's delicious."
Naruto scratches his head and looks at the container with distrustful eyes. "Isn't humus soil or something? I know you're into organic food and everything, Sakura-chan, but that's taking it a bit too far."
"Naruto, you idiot." Sakura says, rolling her eyes. "Hummus, not humus. And humus is not soil, it's a component of soil. And it's made of decayed plants and animal residues and I'm a vegetarian. Just try it."
Naruto gags, a bit dramatically, and turns to his ramen. "No thanks."
Sakura turns to you. "Sasuke?" She pushes the container towards you. "Come on, the only thing you've eaten lately is cherry tomatoes. This isn't healthy."
"I'm fine." You insist. You take a cherry tomato from your bag and throw it in Sakura's hummus.
Her mouth drops open and she glares at you. "Very mature." She huffs and plucks the tomato from the container, throwing it in her mouth. "I'm just trying to bring some diversity in your lives. You should be a bit more grateful."
You and Naruto exchange a look, one of the few times you agree on something, and shake your heads at Sakura. She sticks her tongue out at you both and returns to eating her bagel with soil. Naruto returns to slurping his ramen. You don't feel hungry anymore and just sit there and watch them.
They are here, you think, they are not going to leave.
"Do you guys want to go the Deli later and do our homework there?" Sakura asks.
Naruto shrugs. "Sure. Mum wanted to shop but I can cancel that."
You grit your teeth. Your mother is never going to force you to go shopping with her. You're jealous of Naruto and you're angry at him for wasting away the opportunity to be with his mother. But your house will be empty and every time you are left alone for too long, you start thinking and choking on memories. You nod. "Alright."
"I have field hockey practice." She reminds them. "I can't miss this one."
"We'll come and watch, right, Sasuke?" Naruto asks and nudges you. There's no need for that. You like watching Sakura practice. She has this air of confidence about her and she seems to be surrounded by crackling energy as she runs across the field. The sunlight makes her hair look darker and her eyes brighter and greener. She always complains about how gross she looks after, but you don't agree.
"Speaking of," She starts, looking them while biting her lip. "Auntie and I will be participating in the tennis tournament in the club. I was wondering if you'd like to come and watch us."
"Of course!" Naruto says in a heartbeat, grinning. "Can't miss watching you and Baa-chan kicking some prissy rich asses, right?"
"Stop calling her that, Naruto." Sakura says automatically, but there is no heat behind it. Naruto has called her baa-chan for years and no one, not even Tsunade's fists, have managed to literary punch the habit out of him. "Sasuke? You're going to come, right?" You know this is important to her. You nod and her face lights up in smile. You try to smile for her but the only thing you manage is a half-assed smirk.
She looks at you as if she understands and you continue with your day.
...
It's getting darker and colder, but you can't seem to muster the strength to stand up. You are sitting between your parents graves and you are staring at the grass in front of you. You have been quiet for the most part. You know is silly, sitting there. You know your parents won't answer you, even if you're pleading them. You imagine your mother, her kind face and her sad little frown, she's telling you "Stop doing this yourself, Sasuke. Please, get better. For me." and she sounds uncannily like Sakura and this is where you stop thinking about it.
Your father is silent, he's imposing and his gaze is hard and blunt. He tells you "Get your act together, boy. You are an Uchiha."
Your father always put a lot of pride in your family name.
"I miss you." You say quietly and the sudden wind carries away the words you find so hard to utter.
"Sasuke." You jump and for a moment, you think you hear your father. But when you look up and meet Itachi's calm eyes — calm, always so calm — you freeze and wait for him to speak again. "Let's go home, Sasuke." He says. "You'll get sick sitting here." Itachi doesn't seem affected by the sight of your parents graves. He has always been stronger than you. He's able to move past the pain. But you can't. Itachi extends his hand for you to take, but you stand up on your own. Your legs a little numb and you take a couple of small steps to get used to feeling them again. You walk past Itachi's extended hand and head for where you've parked your car.
You stop when you don't hear Itachi's footsteps following you.
"Are you coming?"
He joins you a second later and you leave quietly.
You've never been good with words anyway.