"Sasuke?" Sakura's voice is hesitant as she steps inside your room, wringing her hands together in a nervous fashion. She looks around and bites her lip, her eyes flickering to yours. "Hey." She says softly. Her posture is slightly defensive, a result from the fight you two had earlier.
Your hand clutches the pen tightly and you turn around in your chair to face her fully. You've been volatile and mean to her and Naruto since your visit to Kabuto. For the most part, she's endured it but earlier today, you crossed the line. You regret it but your pride stands in your way of saying sorry. You hate the way she looks at you, uncertain if you're not going to blow up and hurt her again. You wish, you really wish you're someone else, who can give her what she deserves. She's never going to be happy if she continues to be in love with you.
"How're you feeling?" She asks and then winces. "I mean, what are you doing?"
"Homework." You reply curtly. You're not ready to tell her or Naruto about your visit and what you've learned. You still haven't managed to come to terms with the fact that your parents' death is nothing but an accident. Kabuto's words keep replying in your head over and over, echoing and puncturing your heart with tiny holes of hurt and confusion. You know how they'll react if they knew, and this is what stops you from telling them the most. You know they'll feel even more sorry for you and they'll try their best to make you feel better, even though most of their attempts seem to fail. They'll try to make you forget about it for even just a second, never understanding that even when you seem to forget, the memory is always with you.
"Right." She shifts in her place uncomfortably and then speaks again, focusing her attention on something on the wall above your head. "We were invited to a party." She says. "Kiba's birthday. Naruto and I were thinking of going. Do you want to come?"
"No." Your response is out even before she's finished her question.
She opens her mouth and then closes it. She stares at you quietly and for the first time, her eyes are unreadable to you. Her small hands ball into fists in front of her and she takes a deep breath before she speaks again. "You should tell us what's wrong." She says quickly. Despite her hasty voice, she stares unblinkingly at you. "I mean, we're your friends, Sasuke." She bites her lip and looks down. "I want to help you, Sasuke, but you never let me. I don't know why. Do you want to be unhappy?"
You nearly snap the pen in half as anger bubbles in you. "What?" You hiss and she flinches. "Do you really think I want to be unhappy? I want nothing more than to be happy again! I want my parents back, Sakura and unless you can bring them back from the dead, you can't do anything for me."
She shakes her head. "That's not true, Sasuke! I can't bring them back, that's true, but I can help you! If you just let me and Naruto in, if you just — if you just — " Her voice cracks, much to your horror. Her lower lip wobbles slightly as she swallows thickly. Surely she's not going to cry! "God, Sasuke!" She shouts, squeezing her eyes together. Two tears fall down her cheeks, and you feel your anger slowly fading away to be replaced by guilt. "You have no idea how much — how much I — " She stops and opens her eyes. She stares at you with watery eyes and there is resolve in her eyes, a kind of finalty that makes you feel both nerves and anticipation. "Sasuke, I just.. I love you so much it hurts." She puts a hand to her heart and you stop breathing for a second, staring at her.
"I don't know how or when or why but I do. I love you with all my heart and to see you hurting like that — well, it's hurting me too. All I can think about every time I'm with you is a way to make you feel better, a way to take away all the pain you carry in you. I want nothing more than to see you happy with your parents by your side. It tears my heart apart knowing that it will never happen. But there must is a way!" She swallows again and steps forward. "You can feel better, Sasuke. If you just talk with me or Naruto or your brother. You need to let it all out, you need to share this with someone. You need to take a step towards recovery. If you continue this way, you'll never get better. If you just let me.." She trails off and sniffs, reaching out to wipe away the tears before they can fall down her cheeks.
She looks pleadingly at you. "Please, Sasuke, let me in."
For the first time, you find yourself speechless. You keep quiet most of the time, but not because you don't have anything to say but because you just don't want to say it. But Sakura has rendered you speechless. You feel something warm pool in your stomach. You can identify the feeling and it makes you uncomfortable. You look back Sakura, who's still staring at you, expecting your answer. There is hopefulness in her eyes that nearly breaks through your walls. Nearly being the key word.
"I can't." You says quietly, staring down at your feet. You feel physically incapable of telling her. It's not about pride or being stubborn anymore, not after a speech like that. It's about you not being ready to talk about it with anyone else. It's about you still being in the stage of denial and anger.
You're just not ready.
Sakura's shoulders slump and her eyes fall down to stare at her feet. "I see." She says quietly. Her voice is a mix of hurt, embarrassment and frustration. She squares her shoulders but doesn't look at you. "I'll leave now." She says and dashes out of your room before you can say anything else.
Your hand reaches out, as if to stop her from going; even though you have no idea what you'll say to her if you did stop her.
You hear the front door slamming loudly and your hand drops in your lap.
Your hands ball into fists and you close your eyes.
You're alone again.
And it's all your fault.
...
"Where's Sakura?" This is how you greet Naruto the next day at school. He has sunglasses on and he seems even more untidy then usual. There's a faint smell of alcohol coming from him.
He groans and rubs his head, further proving that he's hangover. "Not so loud, man." He says, turning his head to look at you. "She called me this morning and said she wasn't feeling very well and she didn't sound like it either. Strange this is, she left the party early yesterday and I'm pretty sure she wasn't drunk or anything."
Concern fills you. "She went to the party?"
Naruto nods slowly and takes a sip from his paper cup. "She did. Didn't she tell you? She said she came over to try to make you come with us."
"She did." You say tersely, your heart tightening at the thought of your conversation yesterday. You check the time on your phone. Your first period stars in five minutes. You glance at your car and then back at Naruto, who's devouring his coffee likes his life depends on it. Without saying a word, you spin on your heel and head for you car.
"Oi, where are you going?" Naruto shouts after you and then winces. "Goddamn it.. never again.."
You get in your car without answering. You pass your confused best friend on your way out of the parking lot and head for Sakura's house. You just need to make sure she's okay and that she hadn't done anything stupid yesterday and then, you'll go back to school.
...
Sakura's aunt opens the door for you. She raises her eyebrows when she sees you and looks down at her wrist watch.
"Why aren't you at school, brat?" She asks you, standing in your way.
"Free period." You reply. It's a very bad lie, but you're not even bothering to come up with something. You're avoiding telling her you're skipping, because you know she hates to act like a responsible adult.
She pretends she buys it and a smirk pulls at her lips. "Here to see Sakura then?"
You nod curtly, resisting the urge to look away from her eyes shining with conniving light.
She steps away. "Fine, you can go and see her but just for a bit. She's sick and needs her rest."
You nod and walk past her and up the stairs. You take the familiar way to Sakura's room and walk in without knocking. She's lying on the bed, curled up in a ball with a thin sheet wrapped around her. Her long hair is pulled in a ponytail and short strands are sticking to her sweaty skin.
You frown as you get closer and you notice her flushed cheeks and heavy breathing. She really is sick. She's not drunk. She's not trying to avoid you. She's just sick.
For some reason, relief floods in you.
Her eyes open half-way. "Sasuke?" She sounds sleepy but her eyes widen slightly and she draws herself to a sitting position. "What are you doing here?" She asks and in her confusion, she forgets to be angry with you.
"I wanted to make sure you're alright." You mutter, feeling slightly embarrassed under her gaze.
"Oh.." She looks down at her hands and takes a deep breath. "Um, well.. I'm a bit sick. I think I ate something spoiled on the party yesterday." She smiles weakly. "You should leave. I'm not a very pretty picture right now, especially when my stomach starts.." She trails off and shakes her head, grimacing in revulsion.
You contemplate leaving for several moments but you realise that you don't want to leave, especially when she's seems so unwell. She watches you with confused eyes you walk up to her bed and sit at the edge of her bed. "Sakura..." You start, wondering what to say. "..tell me about your parents."
Predictably enough, she stiffens. "I've told you already — "
"There's nothing to say." You finish for her and look up. "But that's not true, is it? There must be a reason you never want to speak about them. Tell me, Sakura. You want me to let you in? Let me in first."
"I — " She seems like she wants to protest but this time you're not backing down. You want to know why she never speaks about them and why she always seems to be defensive whenever you or Naruto bring it up. There must be a story behind it. "I.. okay." Her shoulders slump in a defeated manner and you resist the urge to smirk in triumph. It's hardly the time, you think.
"My parents... they're not bad people." She purses her lips and looks away from you and out the window. "We've never really connected in a way that children do with their parents, though. As harsh as it sounds, they're just not fit for parents. They know that and they did their best to show that to me. I know they love me, but it's for the best if we stay apart from each other. They're living in an army base in Suna, I think. The last time they emailed me was three months ago but they could have moved." She shrugs and looks back at you. "There's nothing much I can tell you about them. Even when we lived together, we simply co-existed. They did everything parents should and they never neglected me or anything but it was clear for them that they were unhappy. They never got used to the "civilian" life. So when they told me that they wanted to move to an army base in Kumo, I told them that I want to stay in Konoha and live with Aunt Tsunade."
She smiles a bit. "I think they were relieved. I was, too. I've always been very close to Aunt Tsunade, so she took me in immediately. I'm much happier living with her here, than when I lived with my parents." She shrugs. "That's it, basically."
You're quiet for a couple of minutes, trying to process the information. Strangely, you don't feel angry at Sakura for throwing away the time she can spend with her parents like you do with Naruto. After all, her parents are throwing away their time with her, too. "How long has it been since you last saw them?"
Her response is immediate. "Since I moved here nearly four years ago." At your surprised look, she just smiles and does a little shrug. "I do miss them but I know it's for the best this way. I'll see them again one day but for now I'm content where I am and they're too. This is what counts, isn't it?"
"I guess." You mutter.
"So.." She speaks again, biting her lip. "Are you going to tell me about your parents? We don't need to talk about their... deaths. You can just tell me about them. I didn't know them very well but they seemed like fantastic parents. I bet you have a lot of stories.."
You smile a little. "Yeah, I do." Your smile drops and your brow furrows slightly as you think about your memories and how you'll never have the chance to make more. It's just not fair.
A small, warm hand takes your and you look up at at Sakura in surprise. She smiles in you in a comforting, warm way that reminds you of your mother and the way she'll come with a cup of hot chocolate after you'd a nightmare and soothe you back to sleep. "It's okay." Sakura speaks, and in an eerie parallel, you can hear your mother's voice saying the exact some thing to you.
This, instead of making you back away, steels your resolve.
You look at Sakura again and squeeze her tiny hand.
Maybe you're not ready to talk about their deaths but you you're ready to speak about them again.