… I got nothing to put in the author's note.. so yeah…
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Meanwhile in Suna…
"Why is he like this? Have you tried talking to him?" Temari asked her youngest brother.
The redhead simply looked at her and sighed "I did… He just kept muttering 'captain fluffybotox'… Is that code for a super important mission that went wrong or something?"
"… It's his camel" Temari answered as Gaara suddenly looked at her funny.
Kankuro now set in the corner of the darkened room rocking back and forth and crying like a moron making his makeup drip down his face.
"What do you mean… his CAMEL?" Gaara asked.
"He bought a camel after that chick dumped him, he bathed it, groomed it, brushed its teeth, read it bedtime stories… You were too busy being Kazekage but trust me I know, one time he wanted me to take a picture of him and the camel doing cop poses together…" Temari explained face palming.
"Oh…" was the only thing Gaara could say.
"He must've lost it or something" Temari rolled her eyes.
"Well" Gaara started "he's not going to be any use like this. You need to find out where he lost that fucking camel and you need to bring it back"
"Does it have to be alive?" Temari asked.
Gaara looked at Kankuro who was now wailing random words banging his head against the wall "… Yes… For the sake of his sanity… Yes"
Temari walked up to Kankuro "Kankuro… When did you last see captain fluffybotox?"
"ON MY MISSION!" Kankuro yelled.
"Where was your mission?" Temari asked stroking Kankuro's head
"KONOHA!" Kankuro sobbed.
"Alright" Temari sighed "Off to Konoha we go…"
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"I'm sorry can you repeat that?" Tsunade asked surprised as Shizune was trying not to laugh.
Temari sighed "I'm here… To…" Temari sighed again "find Captain Fluffybotox and return him to suna" She muttered the last part.
"And… who is this… Fluffyassed captain?" Tsunade asked wondering if she had been drinking too much again.
"… A camel ma'am" Temari answered bluntly.
"AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA!" Shizune finally cracked up laughing.
Tsunade ignored her assistant "and how did you lose … this… camel?"
"We believe he was stolen ma'am" Temari answered.
"So… Let me get this straight" Tsunade started looked at Temari funny "you're here on urgent matter from the Kazekage, to retrieve 'captain fluffybotox', a camel which you believe was stolen or lost here in Konoha"
…
"Yeah, that's right ma'am" Temari answered.
"Are you high?" Tsunade asked "or drunk?"
Temari sighed "no… Sadly… I am not"
Tsunade looked at the sand sibling after a moment of silence (apart from Shizune's laughing) she finally spoke "do you require any assistance?"
"I request Shikamaru Nara"
Tsunade blinked "why?"
"He's the only one that'll believe me if I told him" Temari said bluntly "because he's met Captain fluffybotox"
A sudden look of realisation crossed Tsunade's face "OOOOOH… I get it"
Temari raised an eyebrow "get what ma'am?"
Tsunade just snickered "Captain fluffybotox… Of course. I mean I expected you to make up a better excuse… But it's all the same anyway"
"Huh?"
"Alright than, make sure to use protection honey" Tsunade just smiled at the shocked girl in front of her "seriously though. I've had enough of the baby making in this place, just to make sure you two don't get pregnant, I'll be hiding condoms everywhere you go"
"Bu-"
"WHEN YOU BRUSH YOUR HAIR! A condom will fall out of the brush. WHEN YOU EAT A SANDWHICH! A condom will be between the tomato and lettuce, unless it's a burger, than it's between the pickle and ketchup. WHEN YOU BATHE! A condom will be … uh… WELL IT'LL BE SOMEWHERE!"
"BUT-"
"SILENCE!" Tsunade yelled "now go find this 'mr fluffy ass'"
"Captain fluffybotox" Temari corrected.
"Whatever" Tsunade rolled her eyes "just get out of my office, I don't want any more horny teenagers in my office"
"But… It's only me" Temari raised a brow.
"Oh. Really?" Tsunade got up and pulled the curtain revealing Naruto standing there.
He blinked "what?" He laughed "THIS ISN'T WHERE I PARKED MY CAR!"
"WHY ARE YOU HERE NARUTO?" Tsunade yelled.
"… I've been hiding her for five hours" Naruto looked down in embarrassment "I heard when you fall asleep you answer questions honestly, I was going to ask where you hide all your sake-"
"GET OUT!" Tsunade pointed to the door "BOTH OF YOU!"
As they both exited and walked through the corridor Naruto turned Temari.
"So… Captain Fluffybotox huh…?" Naruto started.
"Oh shut up!" Temari walked off outside the hokage building.
"WAIT I-" Naruto sighed as he watched Temari walk off "meh, she can figure it out herself…"
Meanwhile with Neji and Tenten…
"And then I was like" Hiashi laughed "I would… But I'd have to pay"
Neji face palmed so quickly and hard the slap echoed through the room, while Tenten looked at Hiashi in a pity face as he just finished his 'hilarious' joke, everyone else around the Hyuga table just fake laughed.
"That… was… funny" Tenten commented.
"So… It's been two weeks since Neji proposed, any plans on the wedding?" Hiashi turned his attention to the pregnant girl.
"Well, we're planning for there to be a ring involved…" Tenten explained as Neji nodded.
"OH! I KNOW ANOTHER JOKE!" Hiashi suddenly yelled as Tenten buried her face in her hands.
"No wonder you didn't want me to move in with you… I prefer my bucket"
Back to Temari…
Temari was walking down the streets of Konoha asking everyone if they had seen a camel, causing a few people to laugh, some to walk away awkwardly and others to just reply 'are you drunk? No' She was currently leaving a route of Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies in hopes Captain Fluffybotox would find them.
"What are you doing?" A familiar voice interrupted her concentration.
Temari turned around to see Shikamaru Nara.
"What does it look like?" She replied "tracking down my lost camel using Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies"
Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows "… I … was sent here to help you track down … uh… captain fluffybotox"
"Well don't just sit there! Help me track down that camel!" Temari shoved the box of Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies into Shikamaru's chest.
Shikamaru looked down at the box of Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies "this won't do. Do you seriously think Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies will get Captain fluffybotox to come out?"
"Alright" Temari glared at the smart ass "how do we track him down?"
"We'll go the library and figure out how to find the camel by reading camel books" Shikamaru explained while rolling his eyes.
"Fine!" Temari grabbed Shikamaru roughly and together they walked towards the library while eating Little Miss Double Rainbow Girly Cookies.
Meanwhile with Hinata, Tenten and Sakura…
"Alright Hinata, because we love you… We're doing this" Sakura started.
Hinata looked at the two girls weirdly "w-wait… Tenten h-how did you get o-out of lunch with H-Hiashi?"
"I just threw a few 'I got my period' and 'vagina' around and I got out easily" Tenten grinned while high fiving Sakura.
"Now" Sakura started "The whole you and Naruto thing" Sakura sighed "Sweetheart. We're getting seriously impatient. It's ridiculous. So we planned THIS"
"W-What?" Hinata looked scared and blushed.
"You're going to sing to Naruto how you feel babe" Tenten brought out a bottle of whiskey "We're going to shove this down your throat. By the way, I already chose the PERFECT song!"
"H-Huh-" Hinata was interrupted by a bottle of whiskey being shoved into her mouth forcing her to drink it.
With Naruto…
"So why am I here?" Naruto asked Sasuke.
"Sakura paid me to take you here" Sasuke sat down next to the blonde.
They sat at a table in a small bar, when just as Naruto was about to take a sip of his drink the lights switched off and it was totally dark.
"Just go out there!"
"She's so drunk she can't stand, maybe it was too much?"
"Just shut up and be a good friend and shove her on the stage alone, clueless, scared and drunk!"
Crashes were heard and suddenly the lights switched on and Hinata was standing on the strange blinking and looking rather dazed holding a mike. She looked at the crowd and as soon as she spotted the surprised and curios Naruto staring at her she turned red. But not because she was blushing. She was annoyed.
Suddenly Beyoncé's music started playing. The song 'Why won't you love me?'
Hinata grabbed the mike to her mouth and instantly started singing while pointing directly at Naruto "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?"
Naruto blinked and glanced at Sasuke "I-Is she staring at me?"
"And pointing. And singing" Sasuke raised a brow.
"TELL ME BABY! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME? WHEN I MAKE ME SO DAMN EASY TO LOVE?" Hinata started waving her hips and on the last line purposely grabbed her boobs making Naruto choke on his own spit and Sasuke to freeze rigid.
"Oh my god" Sasuke muttered "did she just-…"
"AND WHY DON'T YOU NEED ME?" Hinata continued singing.
Sakura grinned while Tenten clapped proudly.
About three minutes passed until Hinata finally ended whipping her hair around ending with "MAYBE YOU'RE JUST NOT THE ONE…! OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST… DUMB!"
Sasuke snickered "she called you stupid"
Naruto had his mouth formed into a 'o' shape and was staring at Hinata in a totally new light… Tenten and Sakura high fived each other.
"Now… She's going to go back stage!" Tenten smiled "and Naruto will chase her and be all 'was that really all true?' and she'll be like 'yes… N-Naruto- Kun, I love you' and they'll get together and have sweet hot sex on the backstage until they get caught!'
"I don't think that'll happen" Sakura commented.
"Why not?" Tenten asked glaring at the pinkette.
"Cause Hinata just vomited"
…
"On Naruto"
…
"On his crotch"
…
"After laughing"
Tenten face palmed.
Back to Temari and Shikamaru at the library…
"Excuse me? Do you know where the Camel section is?" Shikamaru asked without shame.
Shiho (The weird creepy librarian chick from Naruto that was mentioned for like one and a half chapters that was practically stalking Shikamaru) suddenly shoved the poor librarian Shikamaru had asked into a wall causing her to break her arm and smiled at Shikamaru.
Shikamaru seemed to be unfazed about this, while Temari raised a brow at the crazy librarian, Shiho giggled at Shikamaru.
"What?" She asked.
"Where's the camel section?" Shikamaru repeated.
"Why do you want the camel sex- I mean section? Ahaha" Shiho smiled.
"She lost a camel and I'm helping her find it" Shikamaru motioned to Temari.
Temari looked Shiho up and down.
Shiho raised a brow challengingly.
Temari glared.
Shiho raised her head.
The librarian that had been shoved into the wall cried.
"And you are?" Shiho smiled threateningly.
"Twice the woman you'll ever be" Temari smirked.
Shikamaru glanced between the women "did… I miss something?"
"So what are you to Shikamaru?" Shiho glared.
Temari was silent
Shiho smirked "that's what I thought bitch"
"Huh?" Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
Shikamaru at that moment resembled a child watching politics, completely and utterly clueless and confused.
"Say what you want, bitch. But every time you try to kiss him, you tasting my pussy!" Temari whispered too low for Shikamaru to hear causing Shiho to widen her mouth in surprise.
"You wanna come at me? You fat cow!" Shiho replied loudly.
"I doubt you could take me!" Temari replied raising her hands challengingly "You had a chapter and a half, bitch I HAVE A FUCKING FANBASE!"
"Well of course you do! They're probably all 40 year old perverts with how YOU dress!" Shiho put a hand on her hip motioning to Temari's outfit.
"Something wrong with how I dress bitch?" Temari replied.
"Oh, you dress? I thought you just put on a random shirt and walked out?" Shiho replied.
"OH FUCK IT'S ON!" Temari yelled.
Shikamaru who was finally starting to realise a fight would break loose, he immediately grabbed Temari's shoulder and dragged her away as she was trying to get closer to Shiho so she could claw her face off.
"What the hell was that about?" Shikamaru asked after he managed to drag Temari away from Shiho.
"Uh…" Temari glanced around "she offended… my… vagina…?" Temari answered trying to find something that Shikamaru wouldn't question.
Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows, opened his mouth to say something then quickly closed it, after a moment of silence he spoke "when…? I didn't hear her say anything about… your…" He coughed "vagina" he muttered.
Temari blinked "a girl knows Shikamaru. A girl knows when another girl offends her vagina."
Shikamaru looked at Temari weirdly "… Let's… Just find the camel section"
Ten minutes later…
"This is all I found" Shikamaru through a child's book on the table in front of the chair Temari was sitting at looking through a book on mammals.
Temari picked up the book " 'Hamel the lonely Camel' … What is this a guide to masturbation?"
Hamel the lonely camel was a Childs book, on the front cover it had a picture of a sad baby camel with a tear rolling down its eye, Temari flipped it to the back and read out the blurb "the sad truth about how lonely children can get, let Hamel take you on the lonely journey and show you how to make friends"
"I bet he's crying cause he's read it" Shikamaru scoffed.
Temari sighed "we might as well read it… It has SOMETHING to do with camels"
Five minutes later…
A tear rolled down Shikamaru's cheek as Temari tried to hold back the sobs.
"Keep reading" Temari whispered.
"'It's okay', the owl said 'I'll be your friend, Hamel… We can share lunches and you can come over my tree'" Shikamaru smiled emotionally.
Temari sobbed "Hamel's finally going to get a friend! This is so beautiful!"
"Wait" Shikamaru paused "The owl lied though, the truth was… Ever since the owls parents had been killed by a drunk camel that faithful night in a car crash, The owl was planning to kill Hamel"
"NO! HE FINALLY MADE A FRIEND! WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?" Temari wailed as all the other children in the children section looked at her weirdly.
"Just as the owl was planning to slit-…Isn't this supposed to be a children's book?" Shikamaru raised an eyebrow but then shrugged "-Hamels throat, he stopped… Because he couldn't. He had finally realised what true friendship was, and as he stared deeply into Hamels freaked out eyes, he realised Hamels eyebrows were unusually girly… That and he was wrong, he COULD trust Camels. Just not car driving camels"
Temari yelled happily "YAY!"
"And they lived happily ever after" Shikamaru finished.
Shikamaru and Temari both sighed in content.
"That was beautiful…" Shikamaru sighed.
"Wait… Why did we come here again?" Temari asked.
…
"CAPTAIN FLUFFYBOTOX!" Temari yelled "WE FORGOT! OH MY GOD WE NEED TO FIND HIM BEFORE KANKURO TURNS GAY!"
Shikamaru looked at Temari "you mean he was straight?"
"Of course he was straight! WHAT MADE YOU THINK HE WAS GAY?" Temari yelled angry.
"… Well... He was acting kinda funny on the chuunin exams…" Shikamaru muttered.
Flashback to Chuunin exams…
"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MADE IT TO THE SECOND ROUND!" Ino yelled "I'm gonna go celebrate with Chouji leaving you totally unguarded with that sand sibling right there looking at you funny!"
Ino pranced off with Chouji making Shikamaru want to throw rocks at her. But sadly… There were nor rocks around.
"So… I guess you're here alone than" Kankuro slid into the seat across Shikamaru causing him to gulp.
"That you're girlfriend?" Kankuro smiled raising his eyebrows and resting his chin in his hands.
"Uh… N-No" Shikamaru looked around nervously.
"Good" Kankuro whispered.
"What?"
"Nothing big man" Kankuro winked at him "mmmm… You've got such good muscles" Kankuro ran his hand across Shikamaru's arm "you must work out a lot…"
"Uh…" Shikamaru slid further across the seat out of Kankuro's reach "not… really…"
Suddenly Kankuro grabbed the liquorice that was in the middle of the table in the bowl and made a kissy face at Shikamaru who know stared at Kankuro with a poker face. Kankuro slowly put the liquorice in his mouth, chew on it a bit, and pulled it out again and it came out in the shape of a love heart.
End of the flashback…
"You must've been imagining things" Temari rolled her eyes.
"Yeah" Shikamaru shuddered remembering the horrid memory "imagining things"
"So how do we get the camel?" Temari sighed.
"Why don't you just do what happened in the book?" A random kid appeared from behind Shikamaru's seat.
"What do you mean? Invite him to our tree?" Temari rolled her eyes.
"No… Why don't you just dress up as an Owl?" The kid shrugged.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes fully understanding how absurd the idea was totally unaware of Temari behind him who was widening her eyes as if she had just heard the most brilliant idea in her life.
"OF COURSE! WE'LL DRESS UP AS OWLS!" Temari grinned running off to the costume store.
"She… does know I was being sarcastic right?" The kid asked slowly.
Shikamaru sighed.
"Shikamaru? Oh… I didn't know you were here"
Suddenly Shikamaru turned to see Shiho sitting there without her glasses with a face caked in makeup and clothes that would only fit on a five year old.
Shikamaru looked at her "bye…"
"WAIT!" Shiho yelled chasing Shikamaru "LET ME LOVE YOU!"
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… Review … please… .