I have been thinking about my dad lately.
I've been spiraling down again. Down into the dark pit of lies and regret and pain and loss and guilt that I had climbed free of long ago.
Or atleast I thought I did.
I can't get out of bed. I can't eat. I can't talk. I can't see. Can't hear.
How could I? Why would I?
Prim and mom. They tell me I need to stop this. That It wasn't my fault. That no one blames me.
A tear falls from my eyes.
But that's not true. I blame me.
I put him in that car. I made him leave. I distracted him. I'm just as much a killer as the driver who crashed his car.
A blinding light pierces my eyes in my pitch black room.
"katniss?" prim calls softly. I killed her father.
"katniss, mom made you some soup. You haven't eaten in two days" I killed her husband.
I killed a man. I took a life. I have no right to be here. He should be alive. Not me. I should be in that grave.
Prim walks over to my bed and sit next to me and leans her head back on the headboard.
It's my fault. I'm a burden to them. They hate me. They lied to her. They told her I'm innocent.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself katniss. It hurts me. It hurts you. It hurts mom… It hurts peeta."
Peeta. I haven't seen peeta in two days. It's been about two weeks since I've become friends with him. Two weeks in and I'm already hurting him. I'm a monster. All I do is scar. Hurt. Scare.
I guess she had mistaken the spark in my eyes as a good thing because her eyes light up just the slightest. "he wants to see you, you know… he's worried. He's been coming basically every hour for updates. I guess he understands that you're dangerous when your depression comes full force." She sees the small amount of surprise in my otherwise emotionless face. "I know you think about death, katniss. I know that when you get like this you're suicidal. It's not like it's a secret. At the rate you're going with the whole not eating or drinking or moving…" she swallows thickly. Keeping the tears in. "you're killing yourself katniss."
Good
"You have to stop. You and mom are all I have left and mom still isn't as she was before. You're all I have. If I lost you…" she trails off. Tears start to fall from her eyes.
I slowly try to push myself into a sitting position. After a couple unsuccessful tries; I finally manage to lean against the headboard with prim. She looks at me, hopeful.
"im sorry" I whisper.
Then I put my head in my hands and the tears fall "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I repeat over and over again that I am sorry. I pull on my hair trying to focus on the physical pain rather than all the emotions bubbling up at once. When I flick my eyes in prim's direction I see the fear in her eyes.
My head starts pounding and my breathing grows heavy. I run to the bathroom to pull off my sweat soaked clothes. I slide against the wall.
"Make it stop! Please!" I scream. My head feels like there are a thousand needles being stabbed into it. It feels like someone in repeatedly slamming my head into concrete
I smell the smoke.
The rooms spinning and I can't stop crying. My head is still being slammed into concrete. I'm running out of air.
"It hurts! Stop it! Please!" I yell. I can't stop shaking.
I see the cars collide.
"It's all my fault. I killed him." I say softly, still sobbing. I feel like I'm dying.
I smell metal and burning rubber.
I lie down on the floor clutching my chest, unable to breathe. Not a second later; a woman comes into the bathroom and pulls me into a sitting position. Shes saying things, I know because her mouth is moving. But I don't hear anything. The pain is too much.
"Please just make it stop. I need it to stop..." My chest hurts. My heart is beating too fast. I'm dying.
I see black.
Her words make it back to me. But when they do they make my head feel like its being ripped apart.
"Stay with me katniss" I think the woman is my mom. It sounds like her-
Nothing.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I'm woken by someone brushing hair from my forehead and distant voices. I try to open my eyes but its turns to be a difficult task. My head hurts and so do my joints.
Once I am finally able to open my eyes I see prim, the person I felt brushing hair from my face. She tilts her head to the side like a confused puppy; her eyes look at me lovingly.
"Hey there…gave us quite a scare." She looks sad. Tired. I close my eyes for a second. I breathe in through my mouth and out my nose. When I open my eyes tears start to surface. I can't keep doing this.
"What happened?" prim opens her mouth to explain but the doctor beats her to the punch.
"You had a severe panic attack, . Your mother sedated you so you could calm down but you had already blacked out. You have been out for two days. We thought maybe you hit yourself in the head but you were seemingly unharmed." I look around the room ignoring what he had to say. All I wanted to know was what happened to me.
"…you can leave today if you'd like. You are free to go." I nod softly and mutter that I would like to leave. Everyone nods and the doctor leaves.
"I brought you a big sweater, its cold. Oh and you have visitors downstairs." My mother smiles softly. I slip my arms through the sweater slowly and walk towards the door. Then I realize I don't really know my way around this hospital so I wait for my mom and prim.
When they catch up with me they lead me to the waiting room so I can see my visitors and so that they can go sign me out.
When I walk into the waiting room I see everyone. Annie, finnick, jo, Madge, gale, delly.
everyone
Everyone but him.
The first one to get up to hug me is Annie. When she lets go I look at everyone's expressions. All that stares back at me is concern and sadness. I look down and sway slightly. I feel awkward and embarrassed.
After everyone gives me comforting hugs I ask them where peeta is.
"We told him to go home and clean up. Maybe nap. He has been sitting in these chairs, not sleeping, for two days. He didn't want to leave but we forced him" Madge speaks up. She walks towards me and takes my hand in both of hers and brings them close to her mouth. Out of all of peeta's friends that I have befriended, Madge has been the one I have gotten closest to.
"You should go see him, katniss. He hasn't seen you in four days and when he finally gets to, he see you in a hospital bed. Unconscious. You know…he may not have told you but he's gone through stuff like this. Maybe not this exactly, but some of what you're feeling. He won't judge." I give her the closest thing I can to a smile and hug her.
Mother comes up behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder while prim latches on to my waist and we leave the hospital.
When I get home I kiss prim on the forehead and climb up the stairs slowly. I go up into the room and sit on my bed. I look around at the bareness of my room.
I feel alone. Cold.
I get up and walk to my iPod player and play Spanish Sahara by foals. I twirl around in my empty room, tears falling down my face. I'm not even sad. I'm…empty. I feel nothing.
When the song ends, I look towards my window and see dust floating around in the orangeish pinkish light. I walk towards my iPod playing and put on fix you by Coldplay then walk over to the window. I raise my hand and run it through the dust. I unlock the window and climb up onto the roof. i stand up on the edge and raise my arms. The wind blows through my hair and my clothes. When I look out to the ocean I see pinkish lights reflecting off the water and smile.
If I jumped off this roof I'd probably die.
Tears fall from my eyes and I start to laugh really loud. Then I start sobbing and fall to my knees, still on the edge, and clutch my chest.
"You really are crazy" I look down to peeta's room/attic to see him staring at with a small sad smile.
Then I'm laughing again.
But this time it's with reason. I wipe at my tears and give him my first genuine smile in four days.
"I'll see you tomorrow…" I look down and sway side to side. When I look up, peeta is gone.
I crawl back into my room and sprawl myself across the floor and listen to the music.
I hate being depressed. It turns your heart black and burns out your light. Depression isn't just sadness. It's worse.
Depression is insanity. Depression is regret. Depression is loss. Depression is guilt. Depression is a hunger for happiness. Depression is anger. Depression is self loathing. Depression is emptiness.
Depression leads you down a dark road. A dark road filled with insanity and mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts.
Depression is a dark hole you get trapped in. you get trapped in it for days as it rains and the water builds up and you drown. You drown in the raining guilt and anger and sadness and hate and loss and regret. You try to swim to the surface but they pull you down. You can't breathe. When you do, depression fills your lungs and sinks into your veins.
I could give you a thousand more metaphors for depression but that's all I have up my sleeve for the day.
"I don't want to think about it now…"
I start to whisper-sing to my brain. Because honestly I need to stop these dark thoughts.
"I don't want to think about it now…
This is all
In my head
I don't want to think about it know.
I don't want to think about it now
It's dark in my imagination
It's dark in my imagination…"
I keep repeating it over and over again.
Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit stop it get out of my head! Stop!
I press the heel of my hands into my temples and squeeze my eyes shut.
"Bad timing?" I squeal loudly and sit up forcefully. "Shit peeta."
I look at him sitting on the edge of my window. I look past him to see that it is pitch black out.
"No…no your fine. Why…What're you…hi" I stutter. He laughs softly and waves at me.
"Well come in I guess. You could be a nice distraction" He climbs in and shuts the window. "Oh, really? How so?" he wiggles his eyebrows. I blush and throw a playful scowl at him.
"No, perv…" it grows quiet. So I just look at him. He looks terrible. He has dark bags under his sad, cold eyes. His eyes look slightly red and puffy.
"How have you been?" he asks me. I look around my room. "Like a million dollars, babe" I smirk. He rolls his eyes and sits on the bed; across from me on the floor.
"How have you been?" I ask him. He sighs and great sadness takes over his features. He looks down and shivers.
"I missed you… a lot." A chill runs down my spine and I shake my head slightly.
"I've been writing this song… it was before all of this happened, obviously… but I was…I was growing sad at the time." He nods and looks down.
"And I've wanted to show it to someone. But if I show it to my mother she'll be convinced that I'm spiraling down again and if I showed it to prim… well it'd hurt her if I showed any sign of pain… so I was wondering… if you'd like to hear it? I mean- it's not really dark but I was sad…and you know…"
He smiles at me and nods. He sits Indian style and folds his hands in his lap. I get up to grab my guitar and sit back on the floor.
I take a deep breath
Haven't you seen me sleepwalking,
'Cause I've been holding your hand
Haven't you noticed me drifting
Oh let me tell you I am
Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Ooh let me tell you I am
Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you know
I can't help falling
into the darkness, ooh
Why I am feeling so guilty
Why I am holding my breath
I'm worried 'bout everyone but me
And I just keep losing myself
Tell me it's nothing
And try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh let me tell you I am
Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling into the darkness
Oh, won't you read my mind
Don't you let me lie here
And die here
Oh, please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you know
I can't help falling
into the darkness
oh
Haven't you noticed
I'm sleepwalking
When I finish I take a sharp intake of breath from the look peeta is giving me. I flash a ghost of a smile.
"What did you think?" I ask softly. He stares me straight in the eyes and slowly crawls towards me. once he reaches me, he sits on his legs right in front of me. I put the guitar to the side and look into his eyes. There is a foreign intensity and seriousness in his expression. Determination as well. I stuck in my bottom lip and bite it softly. My skin is burning with need, a desire for his touch.
I want to feel something.
I want him to kiss me
He slowly leans in then stops halfway. A smirk blooms on his face, which confuses me. Then he gathers me in his arms and I let out a quiet scream. He lays me down on my bed and I laugh for a second, but I stop short when I see the position we are in. I'm lying on the bed and he is hovering over me.
I softly grip his chin with my thumb and index finger and pull his face down. I stop once his lips are grazing mine so I can revel in the feel of his soft lips. Then he does something I was not expecting. He started sing a song I knew against my lips softly.
"I've got this friend
I don't think you know him
He's not much for words
He's hid in his hardened way
Oh I've got this friend
A loveless romantic
All that he really wants
Is someone to want him back
Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, If the right one came, along"
The thing is… this song kind of represents us. Well, except for the 'not much for words part'. All that bastard does is talk.
I laugh to myself then I play along and sing.
"I've got this friend
I don't think you know her
She sings a simple song
It sounds a lot like his
Oh I've got this friend
Holding onto her heart
Like it's a little secret
Like it's all she's got to give
Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, if the right one came, along"
We start to laugh quietly against each other's lips. When we stop I push peeta off me playfully and straddle him. He places his hands on my hips and I lean over to kiss his cheek then his nose then his chin then his forehead.
"Stop being such a tease and just kiss me" there is a hint of vulnerability and desperation in his voice.
I just shake my head and smile.
"I don't kiss on the first date, never mind before the first date." I smirk. He groans and smiles at me.
"katniss everdeen, I would be honored if you went on a date with me tomorrow night." I stick my tongue out at him.
"Why, peeta. I would love to go on a date with you tomorrow night." I stop short when I realize something.
"peeta… I've known you for two weeks already and I have yet to know you're last name." he looks down and I see him cringe for .5 seconds.
"mellark… my name is peeta mellark." He seems to be expecting some kind of reaction out of me.
"Good. So now, when I get mad at you, I can call you by your last name." he seems relieved for some odd reason.
"I really like you katniss." he sits up with me on his lap and hugs me. he kisses my neck and hair which comforts me.
"I really like you too peeta." when he pulls away I give him a big smile. Then he leans in to kiss me quickly but I turn my face. I wiggle my finger at him.
"nope." Then I point out my window.
I walk down the stairs slowly so that can eat breakfast with prim and mom for the first time in awhile. When they see me they quickly stop their chattering. They look surprised. I mean, I can understand. Just yesterday, wasn't I in a hospital bed?
"Good morning, katniss" I smile softly at them.
I walk over to the kitchen island and look around. It's the first time in awhile since I have been downstairs and it seems they have unpacked the rest of the house.
"Sorry I couldn't help unpacking boxes." I look down and frown.
"No its fine, really. We wanted you to come home to…well…a home. Besides, peeta helped." I smile softly at the mention of peeta, remembering last night. Remember I have a date today.
"You seem…better? How do you feel?" I breathe in deeply and breathe out. I feel… content.
"I'm up and out of bed and I'm talking." I smile at them and their candle is relit.
"Well then. This calls for blueberry French toast and hot chocolate." Prim says. I walk over to them slowly and give them long hugs. "I'm sorry" I whisper as I hold them both in my arms.
I'm sorry I killed him. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry.
Stop.
"I think maybe I should go outside for a walk around… It's time to get out of this house for awhile." I laugh softly. They nod. "But what about breakfast, katniss?"
"I'll just eat out. Do you want to come with me? I might go with peeta." prim smiles and runs upstairs to go get changed. I look to mom and realize that she's going to be alone.
"I spoke to peeta for awhile yesterday… we started talking about his dad and he mentioned something about his dad not being very social. Peeta says he is a shy man, maybe you should invite yourself over or ask him if he wants to go out for coffee." She smiles and shakes her head.
"Okay, I'll ask." I clap my hands once and run upstairs so I can change.
When I get to my room I slip on a vintage black skirt with a repetitive floral print and button down the front. I tuck in a large crème shirt then I slip on an oversized knit tan sweater. Then I slip on by distressed brown combat boots.
"prim! are you ready?" I call.
"yeah." I jump when I turn around and see prim.
"prim, crap…" I grasp my chest willing my heart to slow down. When I calm myself, I look to see what prim is wearing. She's wearing a mid sleeve, white and red sweater, light wash skinny jeans, and brown oxfords.
I give prim the thumbs up and we leave.
"I swear to god, peeta. if you pinch my side one more time I will throttle you." I threaten. We've been walking for about fifteen minutes and throughout those fifteen minutes; He has insisted on tickling me.
"You're just so funny when you do the noodle thing with your body when you're tickled." I backhand his arm and he just laughs.
"Damn, everdeen." He mutters as he rubs the spot where I hit him. He runs at me and lifts me over his shoulder. I scream and hit his back.
"PEETA! No!" I can't stop laughing. I flail around for a second then give up when I realize it's fruitless.
"You guys are adorable. It's a wonder you guys aren't going out yet." Prim gushes under her breath.
I blush and peeta speaks up. "Actually, your sister and I have a date tonight." he puts me down and smirks at me.
"When did you ask her? She was…an odd ball yesterday." I laugh.
"Well. I asked her when I saw her on the roof watching the sunset." He lies smoothly.
"Oh look, WE ARE HERE!" I yell when we approach the coffee shot slash bookstore. I run my fingers along the brick wall and walk in. I'm greeted by the smell of crescents and cinnamon buns.
"I'm going to go look at the books. I already ate this morning, you guys go ahead." Prim says as she walks toward the back of the room.
"Hi, katniss" I hear two voices shout. I turn back to the counter and see Annie and Madge serving customers.
"Hey, guys." I smile.
"So... a little bird told us you are going on a date with peeta..." they cup their hands over their mouths and raise their eyebrows and I laugh.
"That bastard." I mutter. Madge pumps her fist in the air and annie does a little happy dance.
"Has he told you yet?" she looks worried.
"Tell me what? What is it that everyone is keeping from me? Even prim has been acting weird..." agitation is evident in my tone.
"It's not our place to tell...but promise us that when he does...you'll think before you say." Annie says.
They look so serious right now I almost salute them.
"Okay...yeah, okay. I promise." I just have to trust that peeta will tell me whatever it is that he's keeping from me. "anywho, what would you like fellow costumer?" I tap my chin and hum.
"I would like some hot chocolate and a cookie. I'm having a craving for chocolate today." They smirk.
"Is it that time of mo-" I cut Madge off. "Nope! Just want some chocolate today, thank you." they giggle and then pass me a cookie. "Your hot chocolate will be ready in a few." I nod my thanks and sit on one of the bed-chair things in the corner. I sit criss cross and pull one of the pillow on my lap and lean my elbows on it.
I look next to me at the book on the wall then randomly pull one out and start reading. I bite into my cookie and moan. They seriously have the best cookies in the world. They just met in your mouth.
Rory, the only reason prim comes here other than the books, comes up to me and hand me a mug of hot chocolate. "morning, katniss." I nod and smile.
"morning, rory. My sisters in the back if you want to speak with her." He smiles and walks to the back of the room.
I sip my hot chocolate and bite my cookie.
"You're going to get diabetes from those cookies. The only reason they are so good is because of the shit ton of sugar they put into one cookie ball. Just watching you eat that monstrosity makes me want to vom." I turn to look at peeta pointing to the back of his throat and making gagging noises.
I start laughing really hard because-"did you just say vom? Who the hell...why" for some reason him saying vom makes me laugh hysterically.
"Hey, don't laugh at me. It's a British term." He scowls and sticks out his tongue. We really are a bunch of 5 year olds.
We stayed at the coffee slash book store for a few more hours until we decided to go home. Its date night and I have yet to choose an outfit. Peeta hasn't told me where we are going so I find it difficult to pick something to wear.
"PRIM! Come help me choose something to wear. I'm getting flustered up here." I call.
I hear the latch open and prim climbs up to my room. She walks over to my clothing rack (since I don't have a closet) and works her 'magic'. It only takes her 5 minutes to pull together a nice outfit.
I give prim a high five and kick her out so I can get dressed.
I slip on a white, lace, low v-neck maxi dress and pull on a Persian sweater. I put on a dandelion and daisy head wreath. Then I put on brown sandals because you can't even see my feet.
I go to my vanity and put on mascara and dark wine colored lipstick. I dab some off so it's not so bold.
I climb down my ladder and walk to prim's room so I can show her the outfit.
"Prim, come look. I need your approval." I rub my hand down my dress as if to smooth down wrinkles.
"Well of course I'm going to approve, I picked it out." Her voice is muffled by the wall. When she walks out her door she sees me and stops short.
"You're kinda hot." I laugh. "Thanks?" she walk up to me and straitens me up.
"katniss, you need to take this damn braid out."
"prim, language"
"okay mom"
"shut up." She un-braids my hair, fixes my flower wreath, and smiles.
"You have such beautiful long hair. I don't know why you put it in that braid."
"Hey! I happen to love my braid thank you very much." She rolls her eyes.
"katniss! Peeta is here" mom calls from downstairs.
"haavvvee fuuuun" prim sings and walks back into her room.
As I walk down the stairs I start wonder where the hell we are going. It's a small town, not really much to do here. Then again, peeta has shown me a bunch of places I would have never thought of.
When I reach the door I see peeta and my mother talking. I clear my throat loudly and smile when i catch his eye. I see his adams apple bob up and down as he swallows thickly.
"Hi peeta." I wave in his direction. He smiles slowly and waves back.
"Okay, well peeta i want her home by 11:00. You hear me?" she gives him a pointed look and I chuckle.
She smiles and kisses my forehead. "remember. Us everdeens dont kiss on the first night. We tease them" she winks at me.
Oh boy. Im going to have alot of fun.
Holy crap, I'm so sorry for the wait. I had to study for finals then i had to do my finals and it was just crazy. I promise ill update really soon and i promise the date'll be in the next chapter. I'm going to be making a schedule for when I will be posting. Anywho, review please and i hope you enjoyed.