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CHAPTER 17

My mom once said something to me when I was first starting out in showbiz. I'll never forget it: I was fifteen and it was my first concert. I was terrified to get out on stage because, you know, there were people out there. Screaming people. Lots of people. And I was shaking backstage like a big baby. She put a strong arm around my shoulders, held me close, and said, "you have nothing to fear except fear itself."

I won't lie; I didn't understand what it meant at the time. I wasn't scared of fear, I was scared of the people. And, looking back, I realize she just wanted me to get out there so I could become really famous and make a lot of money, which she could later steal from me. But whatever. Right now, the memory comes to me for some strange reason. I mean, I could be thinking about anything in the world, but I'm thinking about my mom, and about being scared to death of the strangers that were waiting for me to sing.

I walk toward it, the white van, I mean, and think about how I was just a kid then. I was scared of a room full of strangers. And now, more than a decade later, I realize something scary. I hadn't even thought back then about how there could be a crazy stalker in that crowd of screaming people. I hadn't though about someone like Tad obsessing over me, and it all leading to this. To me preparing to give myself over to him in exchange for the man I love.

"You have nothing to fear except fear itself," I utter to myself with each step. I can hear my mom's voice so clearly, and I think that now I get it. I cannot give into my fear of Tad. If I give in to that, Cooper doesn't stand a chance. I don't stand a chance. I have to swallow the fear because fear is just an intangible thing. It can't get me.

All the same, though, my heart feels like it's in my stomach.

I am not sure where Barrett, Angie and the others are. They can't show even a glimmer of their presence or Tad will hurt – possibly even kill – Cooper. And I made it crystal clear that we could not take any chances on that threat. As soon as Cooper is safe, I told them they can try anything they want.

But I have a strong feeling that Tad will be long gone with me by then. But… it's worth it. I love Cooper more than my own life. I realized that in a moment of total clarity the instant I learned he was in danger. I know that whatever my sacrifice is, it's totally worth it.

I wonder if this is how Cooper felt when he was heading out this morning in an attempt to capture Tad and protect me. He knew it could be dangerous, hence his lie to me as well as his complete refusal to involve me in his plans. He knew it could be dangerous, and he went anyway. Did he think any sacrifice was worth it to keep me out of the danger being dangled before me? Is there any chance at all that Cooper loves me the way I love him?

I can't think about that possibility right now, though. It's totally futile for one thing. There's every chance that this whole thing will not end well for one of us. Or even for both of us. And there's the chance he just loves me as a good friend, and is feeling emotional because of the situation, just as he said last night. And I can't deal with that kind of disappointment when I'm heading toward a white van and into Tad's creepy trap. I need to be at my best! Love is just not something I should think about right now.

It's not what Lois Lane would do.

My heart rate speeds up as the van gets nearer and nearer to me. I'm almost there. "You have nothing to fear, except fear itself," she'd said. God, my mom was so cool. I never thought she'd leave me. Ever. But she did. Jordan… I never thought he'd cheat on me. I never thought he'd totally abandon me. But he did. My dad abandoned me but he came back. All the same though – there was a time where he'd let me down and completely left me behind. The only person in the entire world who's never let me down…

… I'm approaching it; how can a white van look so huge and scary…

… the only person who's been good to me consistently, he's inside that van, and he's been hurt. He's never let me down. He's never left me…

"Cooper," I mutter quietly – desperately – as I reach the back door to the van. I pull my arm up and fold my hand, preparing to knock. I'm breathing fast and furiously. Screw my mom's saying – I have so much more than simple fear to be afraid of right now. I'm not heading on stage and this is not a simple case of stage fright.

This is a life or death situation. Just as I realize that awful fact, I do it. I knock.

The door opens slowly, and I see a set of familiar eyes burning into mine. God, how could I have kissed this man for a whole month? Laid beside him and called him my boyfriend? How could I get near a man with eyes as evil as these? Tad looks at me though, and it's like they're laughing. His eyes, I mean.

"Heather," he says calmly.

"Yes?" I say, only it comes out as a whisper and a squeak. Some detective I am, huh? I can't contain my nervousness one bit.

"I wasn't sure you'd come," he says, holding a hand out.

I look at the proffered hand, but don't take it. I look back up at Tad and huff. "We had an agreement. Me for him. Where is he?"

"No…"

Cooper. That's his voice! He's in the dark of the van; I can't see him. "Coop?" I call out, looking past Tad.

"Please," Cooper breathes. "Heather. If you care about me at all… run," he says desperately. His voice is laced with pain. I'm not sure if it's the physical pain he's in, or if he's simply pained at the idea of witnessing me get kidnapped while he's set free. If, you know, Tad keeps his word.

"I can't," I whisper, loud enough for him to hear. He knows I can't run when he's in there, in danger, but still I hear him let out a long, shaky breath; I can almost picture him shaking his head in denial. I hear his breath catch in such a way that it sounds like he's crying. But I know that can't be the case. Cooper would never cry. He's just… he's not a crier. I've never seen him cry before. Not during the last big blowout with his parents that I witnessed before he pretty much disconnected himself from their lives. Not when that girl he was dating throughout college, Lara, broke his heart. Just… never. I've never seen him cry. This doesn't mean that he hasn't cried, you know, in private. But… it just doesn't seem like Cooper.

"Well," Tad says, breaking me from my reveries. "This is touching. Both of you are willing to die to protect the other one. But, Coop, you lose."

Now my breath catches. What does he mean Cooper loses? Is he going to kill him? Oh god…

"I have what I want now," Tad continues, eyeing me. "Heather, if you are willing to keep up your end of the deal, I am willing to show you that I am a man of my word. You get in, and he will go free. Safely," he adds slowly, knowing how important that is to me.

He holds his hand out to me again, and this time I take it immediately. This is why I came. There are no second thoughts. Not if there's a chance Tad will keep his word like he's saying.

He lifts me into the van, groaning quite a bit. "Gosh, that wasn't too easy for me. But… in time, you'll be thin again like you used to be, and it'll be completely easier for me to lift you in and out of this van.

I hear Cooper breathing – he's breathing faster and faster, with each word out of Tad's mouth. I can almost feel his rage coursing through him.

"Let him go now," I say, scared Tad won't do it after all. Afraid Cooper might blow a fuse and attack Tad, getting himself killed in the process, which would make my sacrifice all for nothing.

"You don't want to say goodbye first?" Tad asks in the darkness. I can hear the joy in his tone. I feel Tad's hand on my back and jump. I hadn't realized he'd moved so close to me so quickly. He leads me a few steps over to the left and pushes me down. "He's right here, my love."

Once crouched, I reach my hand out tentatively and find him. I find Cooper's face. The moment my hand finds his stubbly cheek, he practically stops breathing and he moves his face deeper into my hand, showing affection in this quiet way in the dark.

"Why, Heather?" he whispers, shaking his head slowly. "Why did you do this? How could you—"

"You know why," I whisper.

I hear him take a deep breath in, and a quivering breath out. "I can't believe this. I… I am so sorry," he says.

"Sorry? For trying to save me when nobody else was doing anything?" I ask.

"I promised you nothing would happen to you," he says in a tortured voice. "I promised you he wouldn't get anywhere near you."

"You promised you'd take care of me. You've always taken care of me, Coop. That's your promise that's always mattered most; it's the one you never said out loud and you've always kept without ever even trying."

I realize I'm crying and I put my arms around Cooper's neck, pulling him to me. He buries his head in my neck and I can feel him squeeze his eyes shut in fury. I feel wetness on my neck and put a hand in his hair, closing my hands intensely in the beautiful locks I cannot see.

"Time's up, folks," Tad says.

He takes a step toward us, and in a moment of fear and instinct, my grip around Cooper tightens. I hear the sound of two chains touching or metal or something and realize why Cooper feels like he wants to grip me but can't. His hands are handcuffed behind his back. From the sounds of it, his ankles are cuffed as well.

"No!" Cooper yells, as Tad pushes me away and grabs him. "Heather, get out!"

I sit frozen to the spot, knowing this is it. This is the moment of truth. And Tad said if I tried to run he'd kill Cooper. I'm rooted in place, my eyes wide as saucers and I'm not breathing. I'm just waiting.

I hear struggling, the sounds of a punch being thrown and a groan. Cooper's groan. Tad hit him. Cooper's most likely in amazing pain, and he's handcuffed and he's still putting up a fight, having to be refrained.

"Let's go!" Tad yells. The van immediately begins moving, with a screech, as its back door slides open.

The moon outside lights the silhouettes of Cooper and Tad. Cooper looks handsome as ever, though in pain. And he is handcuffed, I can see that now. Tad looks just awful and menacing. Cooper's trying to stay in the van, and Tad is trying to push him out of it. I can't believe how much control Cooper is able to have in his condition. I can't believe he's able to put up any kind of a fight. But he's still in the van as we're speeding off to who knows where.

Finally, Tad grabs Cooper's cuffed hands and Cooper looks straight past him and finds me. His eyes lock with mine and I see it.

Oh god, I see it all, just as he's pushed out.

The van door is slammed shut immediately after Cooper's gone, and I can already hear Tad laughing. I scramble to the van's back window and look through, seeing him – my Cooper, crouched on the street, looking at us desperately. Helplessly. Whatever they put him through before, it couldn't have been the torture he's going through right now. He's pounding the pavement with his two hands, and his body's heaving like he's having some kind of fit. He stares at us as we move away from him. He looks so small and helpless right now.

That's what I see even through my tears. That's what I see as we move further away from him.

And in his eyes…

… I shudder, remembering those eyes burn into mine before he was thrown out.

In his eyes, I saw it all. I saw the answers to all of my questions.

He loves me just as much as I love him. And I just made his worst nightmare into a reality.

I jump when a light turns on; my eyes hurt from the brightness. I see Tad smiling at me. It's a triumphant smile and suddenly I feel scared to death.

He takes a step toward me.

"It's just you and me now, baby."