It's been a long time since I added anything to this. Mostly because I haven't been bored or high enough to… But here it is, and no. this isn't suppoused to make sense.
Even though it doesn't get many reviews, I still love this fanfic :')
Speaking of which
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All the Akatsuki members currently hid behind a small bush infront of the gates of Konoha, as requested by pein himself. They were horrible at hiding, especially Kisame, who was muttering things about how 'bullshit' this was.
"I don't understand why we're he-"
"Shut up Deidara! No one loves you. You will die a lonely, miserable, meaningless death filled with nothing but failure"
Deidara was like the George of Akatsuki.
"Actually, that was me, Konan" Konan said raising a brow at Hidan
"Oh" Hidan changed instantly "I'm so sorry, it's just your voice is so feminine I assumed it was Deidara's-"
"HEY!"
"-, that was my mistake. You look lovely this evening Konan. Did you do something different with your hair?"
"I washed it."
"It looks as radiant and beautiful as a mountain of dead corpses lying bloodily by my feet as the screams of children and widowed wives and mothers falling to their knees in my ears in the background, full of agonizing mourn"
Since Konan was the only woman in Akatsuki, everyone was trying to get in with her. Some though had already given up and turned gay, like Kakusu. Indeed, the only thing he loved more than money was dick. And sadly for Deidara (since he looked the most like a girl, apart from Konan) he was always the victim.
"Don't listen to him Dei-Dei!" Kakusu cooed uncomfortably in the blonde's ear "he knows nothing"
"Please stop"
"Everyone!" A clap was heard and all the Akatsuki's members attention was turned to Pein who stood in front of the bush not trying to hid himself at all "I suppose you're wondering why I brought you here"
"Ice-cream!" Tobi screamed in glee
"Close"
"Gelato?" Tobi asked not as gleeful
"Not that close"
"Just tell us!" Kakusu ordered grabbing Deidara's ass
"What the hell?!" Deidara smacked Kakusu's hand away
"You think that's fucking bad?" Hidan snorted "you try being this fucking good looking" He flipped his hair back "and traveling with that motherfucker"
"We're here because Tenten is pregnant" Pein announced
The entire Akatsuki gasped in terror. But then they realised they didn't really care and went back to being normal.
"So?"
"It's Neji Hyuga's."
The entire Akatsuki gasped in terror again.
"NOT NEJI!" Kakusu wailed "he was meant to be MINE!"
"So what are we suppoused to do about it? Better yet, why do we care?" Konan asked
"Good question!" Hidan commented wrapping his arm around Konan's shoulder "why DO we care?! You're so smart Konan. Bear my children"
Konan was about to say something but was interrupted by Kisame also wrapping his arm around her "that IS a good question! Good on you Konan! If only there were more women like you"
"I can make puppets in all sorts of shapes" Sasori told Konan before his face darkened "all. Sorts."
Pein then kicked Kisami in his flipper, Hidan in his nutsack and didn't kick Sasori. Because he's just too god damn cute. Instead he spanked him.
"Anyway!" Pein continued after finishing off with them "we're going to stay here in Konoha until the baby is born"
"Why? That's nine months down the drain. We could have destroyed villages in that time period!" Deidara objected as Kakusu sniffed his hair
"Because. This child could be the key to world domination"
"Then shouldn't we come AFTER it's born?" Deidara retorted as Kakusu ran a hand through the blondes hair
"You know what Deidara. I honestly don't even know how you got here, or what you're doing here. Seriously. Why don't you take your fucking logic and shove it up your fucking ass?" Pein replied aggressively
"It wouldn't fit" Deidara muttered
"But I would" Kakusu whispered
"What?"
"Nothing"
"Whatever. Alright, everyone put on your sunglasses!"
They all looked at eachother.
"Put. On. Your. Sunglasses"
With a sigh they all pulled sunglasses they had been hiding either in their pockets, their shoes or between their boobs and put them on. The sunglasses where pitch black and made to look badass.
"Kisame. Pump it."
Kisama pulled out his ipod and started playing 'this is why I'm hot' by mims.
"And remember to strut like I taught you!" Pein yelled over the music.
Meanwhile in Konoha…
"Do you hear that?" Izumo asked startled
"Hear what?" Kotetsu asked sipping leaning back on his chair at the gates of Konoha
"In the distance… it sounds… like rapping"
They both leaned forward to see the front of the gate, the music starting to come in range to the point where it was impossible to hear anything else.
There.
The Akatsuki strut in: Hidan had his hands dug in his pockets. Konan raised a brow at the two shinobi at the gate causing them both to jizz. Deidara nodded at a nine year old girl holding a balloon causing her to gape and let go of her balloon. Tobi wasn't strutting, instead he was skipping (much to Pein's annoyance). Sasori strut to the beat of the song causing a few ladies nearby to 'awe' at his cuteness. Kakusu flexed his muscles, got distracted, tripped, and everyone (especially Deidara) walked over him breaking his arms, a leg and two ribs. Kisame smirked causing a few babies to start crying. Pein on the other hand was just strutting in the lead and eyeing all the shinobi.
"I'm so much hotter than her!" Ino's familiar voice bellowed in annoyance "why is every guy jizzing over her?!... Chouji? … Chouji?!"
"Who should I address this to?" Konan asked the shy food lover
"Chouji please…"
Konan scribbed 'Chouji Please' and her name on the picture.
The picture was off Konan, she was wearing the Akatsuki jacket but it was open showing her black tight shirt, cupping all the right areas as she had hear hand messily in her hair.
Meanwhile…
Tenten sat on the couch in her house with Neji surprisingly nervous next to her. They were at Tenten's parents house, which was exactly why Neji was nervous. No one had ever seen Tenten's parents. What if they were killers? But then again, it was a ninja village.
"I'm here honey!" A familiar voice cooed
Neji's eyes widened in horror.
No way.
There was no way.
Orochimaru skipped in the living room wearing a pink apron and holding a tray of cookies.
"What the fu-"
"You must be Tenten's new boyfriend!" Orochimaru smiled causing Neji to wince "So what's this news you have to tell me?"
"Oh mummy!" Tenten smiled warmly embracing the snake lover in a hug "it's great news!"
Neji was still frozen and couldn't speak. He could only gape at the scene that was taking place infront of him in horror.
"What's wrong?" Tenten looked at Neji "why are you like that?"
Neji looked back and forth between the girl and… Orochimaru
"Explain."
Tenten rolled her eyes "why is every time people meet my mum this happens?! Honestly! Don't even get me started on the parent teacher interviews! I was adopted"
"When?!" Neji exclaimed in terror
"A few days ago"
"…"
Orochimaru interrupted the conversation "you see Neji" he sat down across the Hyuga and crossed his legs comfortably "I've been very lonely these past few years, in need of… love"
"Didn't you molest Sasuke?"
"Don't judge me from my past. Or how I dress. Or my face. Or how I talk. etc"
"…"
"Anyway!" Orochimaru flipped his hair back "I was lonely, and originally looking for a hooker. But there weren't any lose men available, so I had to go in the female section!"
"You're a hooker?!" Neji exclaimed turning his attention to the brunette
"What?" Orochimaru snickered "of course not! She's the pimp"
Tenten nodded digging her hands into the pockets of her large fur coat then adjusting her large golden necklace. How the fuck hadn't he noticed?
"So, anyway… I hired Ino, but she was taking forever to get ready, and I got to talking with Tenten. She admitted how her mother ran out on her to be with Tiger Woods and then moved to Florida after he dumped her, and she didn't know who her dad was. And I explained how hungry I was. One thing led to another, I adopted her. And now she has a mum!"
Neji's eyebrows remained furrowed as he gaped at Tenten's so called 'mother'
"But seriously, what did you call me here for?"
"I'm pregnant! Mum!" Tenten answered gleefully
Orochimaru was so shocked he dropped his penis "what?! BUT HOW?!"
"He fucked me"
"… What position?"
"Ermahgerd! Mum! You're so embarrassing!" Tenten rolled her eyes "… backwards cowgirl"
"I see…" Orochimaru looked at Neji "well… Obviously you have to marry her"
"We're already engaged"
"WHAT?!" Orochimaru gasped reattaching his penis "WHEN?!"
Tenten rolled her eyes and then kicked Orochimaru in the face "seriously mum… That's none of your business"
"TENTEN! YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!" Orochimaru pointed to the basement
"YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"
"Oh my god" Neji buried his face in his hands
Back to Akatsuki
"Is this her house…?"
"It looks familiar…"
They stood infront of a house the shape of a snake, on the front door were the words 'no chidori users allowed'.
"This looks suspicious" Konan pointed out as Hidan nodded his head vigorously in agreement
"What do you think it means?" Sasori asked staring at the mailbox which had Orochimaru's name written on it
"Who knows" Tobi shrugged skipping towards the door before knocking loudly on it "HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!"
Everyone gathered around the door and stared impatiently.
The door creaked open, but only enough so you could see an eye. And even then, the person was wearing sunglasses. The Akatsuki members looked intently at the eye before a voice greeted them.
"Yes?"
"Is Tenten there?" Pein asked adjusting his pants
"Maybe. Maybe not"
…
"Alright, I see what has to be done" Hidan pulled out his scythe
"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" The voice panicked just as Hidan was about to swing "first. You most solve a riddle"
"A riddle?" Tobi tilted his head to the right "what sort of riddle?"
"Uh…" The voice paused "Hold on"
After a few minutes the eye came back, except this time you could also see a hand and an Iphone5.
"I'm the captain of a ship. There are 38 more people with me on the ship. Suddenly, a tornado comes! A helicopter is called to rescue everybody. 3 people get sucked into the tornado, 5 people lose hope and jump off the ship. 4 people die in pressure. The questions are: 1. How many people are left on the ship? 2. What is the age of the captain?"
"Hold on" Kisame muttered looking for a calculator.
"What are you doing?" Konan asked
"Look for a calculator" Kisame answered as if it was obvious
"In my bra?"
"… They're always where you least expect them"
"1. 27 people are left including you. 2. 13" Tobi answered automatically
Everyone gazed at Tobi in astonishment.
"Th-… That's correct" The voice muttered before opening the door fully.
Orochimaru stood in the doorway wearing the apron.
Surprisngly though, Akatsuki didn't really care. They just walked past him casually except Hidan who took a few pictures on his iphone.
"Kisame?"
"Yeah?"
"Your hands are still in my bra."
"… Can I-"
"GET THEM OFF MY FUCKING TITS!"
Not a long chapter ;)
But I still like it :P
Anyway
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