Sorry for the long delay in posting – I have had some major computer issues lately. But I hope you're still reading the story! Thanks for all the feedback! MAC

CHAPTER 18

Fear is a funny thing. It can really get to you. It's like this loud booming noise, and you're not sure if the sound you hear, that you can't ignore, is your heart racing, your bones shaking, your teeth chattering, or your fast breathing. The loud sound in my ears is most likely all of those things because… well right now, this is my existence. Fear is my existence. Tad is sitting, staring at me, a look of total triumph on his face. And me? I'm feeling this fear-thing. It's not as easy to get rid of as my mother had made it seem years ago when I'd suffered stage fright. No. It's impossibly loud and scary.

I see a man sitting a foot away from Tad now. When did he get here? I didn't notice him before…

Who is he?

I don't know where the others are. I know there are others. Someone's driving this horrible van, for starters. And… the Heather Wells Must Die Club has four members. That much I remember from what Barrett told me before.

Barrett.

At that thought, I remember something. Something that helps my fear dissipate, even just a little. I came into this van with a plan. Oh my god, that's right! I have a plan! I almost want to jump for joy and smile ear-to-ear about this fact, but… well, that might give me away and cause Tad to check me out, and if he does that he'll totally discover it. My plan, that is. My wire, more specifically.

Angie wired me. The plan was to get Cooper out safely and get me into the van with a wire. I try to describe where we're going, ask Tad, get the dirt, and the cops get a lead, and they come and get me. They won't put on sirens or do anything suspicious that'll tip Tad off. They'll simply wait for the van to pull over and they'll make their move and I'll be safe.

Gosh, it's just so perfect! I don't know why I was so wrapped up in all that fear before. I guess once Cooper was thrown out and I was alone with Tad, it was natural to feel fear. Cooper always makes me feel safe. Without him, it's a bit tough to get that feeling. But… it's not impossible. I mean, I'm a capable, independent woman… with a plan.

Although, I can't let Tad know about my wire. I stare at Tad. He's whispering to the other guy now. I have to figure out if my wire works without drawing attention to myself.

How did Angie say this thing worked?

I begin checking myself out, when I see it. My ring. Of course! I have to push on the little fake diamond, and it activates the wire. Both wires actually. I have a wire so I can listen to Barrett and company, as well as a totally separate wire so they can listen to me. The wires are ridiculously tiny, but all the same, I don't want Tad to get too close. I mean, he has me exactly where he's always wanted me, so clearly the man is not an idiot.

I push on the fake diamond and look around nonchalantly, waiting for some sign that it's working.

I can vaguely hear something in my ear now. I try not to let my facial expression change. I don't want Tad to notice anything, but I'm trying to listen. To make out the voices.

"Do you have Cartwright?" I hear someone ask. I think that's Barrett. "Great, send him in," he says. "I'll be lucky if I get through this conversation with my life."

Yup. Definitely Barrett. He's been afraid of Cooper's wrath since this plan came to fruition at Cooper's parents' house.

After a few moments, I hear a string of curses, and a passionate anger belonging to a voice I know so well. It's Cooper. He's in the room with Barrett now. And he's so not happy.

"What were you thinking?" he yells, sounding truly about to lose it. I hear a loud bang, like a fist pounding a table or something being thrown at a wall or something. "How could you let her do that? Have you not been paying attention to this case at all? Do you honestly have no idea what he's been threatening to do to her?"

He groans really loudly and my heart just goes out to him. I know how he feels. I was beyond angry when I learned that Tad had beat up Cooper and captured him. I couldn't stand the idea of him being in danger. And I felt helpless. Cooper, right now… he sounds so angry and just so helpless.

"She insisted; this was her plan, and—"

"Of course she insisted! She'll put herself in danger every single time to spare someone else. We were supposed to protect her! She could insist until she was blue in the face and we were just supposed to protect her! I would've been fine. I can handle him. Now she's in there with a bunch of crazy people that want…"

He trails off.

"Cartwright, hey—"

"I can't believe this. I cannot believe that sick, twisted psycho has her. That was his plan, Barrett. His plan. And you handed it to him. And you're honestly telling me that this move is our new plan? That this was our only option?"

"We'll get her back. We have a better chance of getting him now than we did before."

"From where I'm sitting, she has a better chance of being tortured and possibly killed than she had before."

My breath catches at that. I mean, I knew when I agreed to take Cooper's place I was in danger. But I hadn't really let myself wrap my mind around it. Tad really is crazy. And… there's a decent chance that I won't make it out of this situation okay at all. He could torture me. Do the things he said he'd do in those horrible notes. And… he could kill me. He wrote that in the notes as well.

And yet… if I had to make the choice again, I'd still put myself right here if it meant that Cooper would be safe. Cooper…

I listen again, but hear nothing. Neither man says anything for a few long moments. I can just picture the major jaw-clenching that must be going on right now in that room. Poor Cooper.

"If anything happens to her—"

His voice is shaking – just a bit. Enough to tear at my insides for putting him through this. And boy do I know how he feels. I felt the same exact way an hour ago!

"We'll get her back," Barrett says in that soothing voice he uses when Cooper gets all worked up.

It gets quiet for a moment again, and I stare at Tad. He isn't even looking at me. He doesn't seem aware that I'm even here right now. In my mind, I'm not here right now. I'm somewhere else, a fly on the wall to a private conversation between the cop on my case and the love of my life.

"What's the plan?" Cooper finally asks, sounding on the edge of a nervous breakdown, but like he's trying to keep it together.

"Buddy, before we get to that, you really should get that looked at," Barrett says, and I feel sudden panic. Get what looked at? What's wrong with Cooper? "Looks like you might need stitches."

Stitches? I hadn't gotten a good enough look at Cooper when I saw him; I hadn't noticed blood. I hadn't felt it. Had I? Everything had happened so fast. Was he hurt badly? Oh, Coop…

"The hospital's just—"

"If you honestly think I could leave, go to a hospital, right now—" Cooper says, and I can hear a touch of incredulity in his tone.

"Look, I didn't think so. I just thought I'd check," Barrett says.

"Hey Cartwright," I hear a female voice say. Angie. She's there now. "That looks bad. You okay? You know, you might need stitches."

I feel knots in my stomach at that.

"I'm fine," Cooper says, sounding beyond annoyed now. "Once again, Barrett, what's the plan?"

"She's wired so we can hear her and she can hear us," Angie says. "I helped wire her, so they run under her clothes, against her skin. He won't see them."

"So everyone helped her put herself in this psycho's hands, in total life-threatening danger?" Cooper asks, with a small hint of sarcasm.

"If we didn't help her, she would've gone alone," Angie tells him.

"You could've tied her to a chair, Ange. You're a cop; I think you could've handled her."

Tied me to a chair? What? That is so Cooper. Cooper would tie me to a chair in a heartbeat to keep me uninvolved with a case.

"You know, I'm not sure I could've, Cartwright," Angie shoots back indignantly. "She was pretty determined."

There's a long pause and I stare again at Tad. I can't understand why he's not even looking at me right now. He's been planning this for years; to kidnap me and make me his. Now him and his freaky Heather Wells Must Die Fan Club members have me and none of them seem all that interested.

As if knowing that he's being watched, Tad meets my gaze and leers at me in a way that makes my skin crawl.

Okay, so none of them seem that interested in me yet. I can only imagine what he's got in store for me.

"Where's the receiver to her wire?" Cooper asks suddenly, with some urgency.

"It's over here," Barrett says. "We haven't heard anything yet."

"She has to activate it," Angie explains. "I told her how. Here, let me see."

I wait for a moment for them to realize that I did activate it. I can't exactly say "testing, testing, 1-2-3, can all the cops hear me?" in front of Tad. I just don't think it would bode well for me.

"She can hear us," Angie says. "But she hasn't activated the one so we can hear her. Heather—"

I jump at the sound of my name. I wasn't expecting to hear anyone address me. For about ten minutes it's just felt like I've been eavesdropping on private conversations.

"Heather, if you can hear me, you need to push on the little rhinestone on your shoe to activate the other wire. Good job, by the way, with the diamond."

I bring my legs up, hugging my knees to my chest, careful not to draw too much attention from Tad.

"Don't be scared, baby," Tad says, obviously mistaking my movement of hugging my legs close to me for fear. Then he goes back to talking quietly with the other guy.

I slowly move my hand toward my shoe. How had I forgotten about the stupid rhinestone? Before I get too bothered by it, though, I push on the center of the rhinestone, hopefully activating the other wire.

I wait for a moment, holding a breath.

"Great. The light's on. Good job, Heather."

I open my mouth out of instinct to say 'thank you', but catch myself. I don't exactly need to look crazy in front of Tad.

"I can't hear anything," Cooper says. He sounds really nervous.

"It's just quiet right now," Barrett says. "She's fine, obviously, if she followed Angie's instructions just now."

"Heather?" Cooper asks.

I want to tell him I'm okay. So badly. But I bite my bottom lip until I can practically taste blood.

"Why can't we hear anything?" Cooper asks them.

I can't take it anymore. I clear my throat quietly, hoping it's enough for Cooper, but not enough to tip Tad off that something's up.

"Heather?" Cooper asks, hopefully. At least his tone seems hopeful. I hear him release a long breath. "Heather, listen to me. You're going to be okay. We're going to get you out of there safely. Heather…"

That's reassuring anyway. Except I know that that's what he's going for. Reassurance. Because five minutes ago, he was telling Barrett that I'm in a pretty good position to be tortured and killed.

"Okay, baby, it's show time," Tad says, startling me. I had completely forgotten about him. Listening to Cooper's voice, I'm not in this creepy van with this awful man, but in daydreams where I'm safe… with Cooper.

I swallow, trying to regain my composure. "Show time?" I ask, warily, my voice trembling at the implications that could go along with the word 'show time' for a guy like Tad. "What do you m-mean?" I stutter.

Tad's walking towards me.

"Cartwright, calm down," Barrett says. "Heather, try to stay calm. It's the only way you can maintain some control. Remember – he's unstable. He's not in control. If you are, you can have an upper hand."

"Give us some privacy," Tad says to the other guy that he'd just been talking to.

The other guy – who looks just a bit younger than Tad – leaves the room, quickly running his gaze over me first.

"I just feel like you and I should get better acquainted. It's not like you let me anywhere near you when we were dating," Tad adds, crouching down, moving his face close to mine. "And you've been my ultimate fantasy for a long… time… now," he finishes, running a finger over my cheek.

I'm trying to take Barrett's advice. You know – remain calm. But… he's sitting really close to me right now. Uncomfortably close. He's talking about living out his fantasies with me, and he's touching my cheeks, his finger finishing near my lips, which just totally gave me the chills and caused me to gasp.

I regret the gasp immediately though, knowing Cooper can hear every little sound coming from me.

"Cooper, relax," Angie says in a soothing tone.

"If he lays one finger on her—" Cooper starts, his voice thin and pained, but he doesn't finish. Maybe because I can hear him. I don't know.

I want so badly to spare him this. I mean – now that I think about it – what if the wire was a horrible idea? What if Tad tortures me and then he does kill me, and Cooper has to suffer through hearing it all? Oh god…

The therapy bills.

I could never survive it, if the tables were turned right now. I'm here at all because the tables were turned.

I gulp and look at Tad. I have to get a grip or he's going to win. And I can't let Cooper go crazy listening to anything bad happen to me. Not if I can help it. Plus – I really don't want anything bad to happen to me.

"Okay," I say to Tad, putting a piece of hair behind my ear and fixing him with the most serious look I can muster up.

"Okay?" Tad asks eagerly, putting a hand in my hair and touching – more like petting – the strands. "You'll let me live out my fantasy?"

"Yes," I say. I try to look like I mean it and not that I'm, you know, totally grossed out by the idea.

"Heather, what are you doing?" Cooper asks.

I so badly want to tell Cooper to stop talking to me already, because my instinct is to talk back, and I really cannot do that right now. I have to ignore him. Plus, a plan that will keep me in control ala Barrett's suggestion is slowly developing. God, I hope it works and doesn't totally backfire, because I really do not want to live out Tad's fantasies with him.

"We need to get her out of there now," Cooper says. He honestly sounds like he's lost his cool completely. Like he's losing his mind – all sanity – because of this whole thing. And he sounds downright angry. "Who's tracking her?" he yells to someone.

"A helicopter has been following their progress," Barrett says. "But, Cartwright, we can't go in there guns blazing and rescue her. We can't show a siren, we can't show a shadow, we can't show any bit of ourselves. You know that. They've got a team, and you saw for yourself that they all have guns. We can't take the chance of what he'll do if we make any kind of move right now. We have to play it safe and get her when the time is right."

Man, he's good. He's good at saying everything so clearly and calmly – especially when Cooper's all worked up.

I never take my eyes of Tad's. He does, though. He goes from staring into my eyes like a lovesick fool one second to completely staring at my hair or my lips or some part of my body the next. And in his eyes, I see a hunger that scares me.

But – I have to keep the upper hand. I know Tad. I've been inside his mind a little bit. Every single letter he ever sent me has been a glimpse into his sick and twisted mind.

"You want me?" I ask. "I'm yours."

"Heather," Cooper says, in a voice that's cautioning me not to do anything stupid.

I ignore him and smile at Tad. I sit forward – the least flattering position for my stomach in these stupid pants that Mrs. Cartwright bought for me at Target. They're comfy if you're standing up, walking around, but not when you're sitting. They're a little snug. If I sit forward then it happens. You know. Some skin rolls over the edge. Skin that wasn't there to roll over any pants when I was just eighteen-years-old.

"I'd prefer if you'd kiss my stomach," I say, before lifting the edge of my sweatshirt up a little so that Tad can see it – all my skin.

I see him flinch and look at my stomach in clear disapproval. I know; you'd think I'd be really insulted. Well – I'm not. I'm nearly bowled over with relief. I think my plan could work.

"What's wrong?" I ask in my most innocent voice.

"It's just…" Tad starts, looking like he wants to word his concerns carefully. "Baby, you're still a little fat right now. I want you, baby. I do." He looks at my face. "God, I want you… I want you then. Can't you be like you were then? Before you gained all this weight? Can you be thin again? I want you then."

"But you have me now. And this is what I look like now. You… if you didn't want me as I am, then why did you go through all this trouble? Why did you kidnap me?"

He looks at me seriously, and for a moment he seems sane. Normal. Like he's really listening to me.

"You're right, baby. Maybe if I just close my eyes, I can picture you like you were then, while I make love to you now."

Okay, that was so not what I wanted him to say. I wanted him to say, "you're right; I find you grotesque now, so I should just let you go!"

I don't know exactly what to say right now, so I nibble on my bottom lip nervously, the little control I had over Tad for that split second beginning to fall away.

"Heather." It's Cooper's beautiful voice. So soothing. So safe. "You're doing a great job. Keep going."

He sounds beyond upset and just so nervous… but he's encouraging me to continue. He sees my plan. He knows as well as I do that Tad's main obsession with me is wanting me to be like I was then.

I slouch a little more, purposely making my stomach look worse. Less in-shape, less toned, more flabby, softer. I pull the shirt up a little again and giggle.

"Sure, if you think it would help you," I say to Tad. "By all means, close your eyes. Here, touch my stomach," I say, grabbing his hand before I lose my nerve completely and bringing it to my stomach.

With any other guy, I would never sit like this, I would suck my stomach in and try to appear slim as can be! This was the oddest thing in the world – purposely flaunting the weight I'd put on since I was a teenage pop star – weight I was actually comfortable with.

The minute Tad's hand touches my stomach, I flash back to last night. Almost twenty-four hours ago, Cooper and I were making out and he touched my bare stomach, causing both of us to feel enough electricity that he called a halt to our make out session completely. When Cooper touched me, it felt incredible. The moment Tad's hand touches my stomach right now, I feel revulsion course through me. But I try not to show it.

And Tad…thankfully, he looks like he's feeling some revulsion himself. I'm moving every inch I can to make sure everything he's touching is the opposite of those fantasies of his. Finally, when it's too much to bear, he pulls his hand away like it's been burned.

"I can't take this! You need to be thin again! Then, baby, then we can make love!"

I let out a breath I didn't even realize I was holding – and in my ear, I hear Cooper release a long breath as well. Relief.

"From now on, you're anorexic! No food for you. Just water. And the sauna."

"Sauna?" I ask. "Um… what sauna? Where are we going?"

"Good, Heather. That's good," Barrett says.

"We're going to my own personal Fitness World. You're going in the sauna. You're going in the pool. You're going on the treadmill. And we're not stopping until you're thin. Baby, that's my promise to you."

Oh. My. God.

"I swear, I'm going to kill him," I hear Cooper say quietly.

"But first," Tad says, producing a needle out of his back pocket.

My eyes grow wide as saucers. "What's that?" I ask, fearfully.

"Something to relax you," Tad says.

"No—" I say.

But it's too late. He sticks the needle into my neck and releases the substance.

Immediately my lids feel heavy and I feel disoriented.

"No…" I say, sleepily. "Cooper…"

"Heather—" Cooper says. Through the fog in my head, I can still hear it. The guilt. The pain. The nervousness. The love.

I release a long breath, my head lolling to the side.

As everything turns to black, I hear Cooper calling my name urgently like a faint echo.

Then everything goes silent.