Hey guys :P
I have to say, I was cracking up laughing writing this. This is by far the stupidest thing I've ever written in my life. Maybe that's why I love it so much haha.
I know this chapters short but fuck it.
Also there are probably loads of grammar/spelling mistakes… but once again... fuck it.
Sorry all my fanfictions (which is really only this one and another lol) have been taking long to update, I've been going through phases currently where I'm getting REALLY into bleach and one piece again (mostly one piece)
Anyway, u don't really care… lol
Here you go~
R
E
V
I
E
W
"How did you get in?" Neji started confused
"We solved the riddle"
Neji, Tenten and all the Akatsuki members currently sat in Orochimaru's living room drinking tea, coffee or the blood of his victims (Hidan). The only one who wasn't drinking was Tobi, who was colouring in a picture of a fish with crayons. Kakusu sat in Deidara's lap munching on a pastry. After half an hour trying to get him off his lap Deidara finally gave up and let the money lover sit on his lap.
"Why are you here?" Neji furrowed his eyebrows
"Well, we want to be here to help with the pregnancy" Pein explained crossing his legs "Kisame. Pump it."
Kisame took out his ipod and started playing 'lean on me'
Pein took out his lighter and waved his other arm as the music played.
"Thanks. But no" Neji glared at the man who had previously destroyed Konoha
How had he gotten in the fucking gates?
"We don't want your help."
"More like you don't want our help" Sasori pointed out cause he hadn't said anything in ages
"We don't want your help. Isn't that right tenten- .. Tenten?"
Tenten was too busy staring at Konan, who was sipping her tea with a raised brow and staring back.
"Tenten? Hello?" Neji waved a hand in the pregnant womans face
"Huh? Wha-? Oh. Yeah. Whatever"
"Are you alright?" Neji asked the girl
Tenten was silent for a minute still staring at Konan "I'm seriously considering becoming a lesbian…"
Konan wasn't surprised.
She had that effect on many (all) women.
"You're not a fucking lesbian!" Neji was outraged
"Fine!" Tenten rolled her eyes "God…"
…
"Would you be up for a threesome?"
Konan shrugged "sure"
"TENTE- wait really?" Neji turned to Konan
Konan shrugged again "sure" she stood up "let's go"
Hidan was horrified.
Half a minute later…
Neji, Tenten and Konan all exited the closet.
"How was it…?" Tobi tilted his head
"It wasn't as good as I expected" Hidan exited the closet behind them holding onto his camera with a glum expression.
"You have an amazing ass" Neji commented
"Thank you" Tenten grinned
"Not you"
"I know" Konan scoffed
"Not you"
"Then who-"
Neji turned to Hidan and winked.
Hidan just stood in horror "that was you?!"
Meanwhile at the ramen shop…
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"Teme"
"Dobe"
"ENOUGH!" a scream echoed through Konoha that day "I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF YOUR GUYS SHIT! LIKE OH MY FUCKING GOD! TEME THIS! DOBE THAT! YOU'RE BOTH DRIVING ME CRAZY! WHY CAN'T YOU TWO JUST GET ALONG?!"
"…"
"…"
"…teme…?"
"dobe?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHH HHH!" Sakura grabbed the closest child next to her and smacked Naruto in the face twice with it
Sasuke smirked.
"What the fuck?!" Naruto cried "why didn't HE get smacked?!"
"Because!" Sakura turned to Sasuke "he shall father my children!"
"And that's stopped you?!"
"… You're right"
Sakura grabbed another kid (this time it was fat) and smacked Sasuke in the face with it and stormed off punching a few babies and kicking a few old people on the way.
"Man… What's her problem?" Naruto said after laughing for a few hours at Sasuke
"Hn"
"Maybe she's on her period?" Naruto suggested
"Nah"
"Why not?"
"She usually gives me blow jobs instead when she's on her period"
"…"
"Isn't it obvious?" Kakashi crawled from under the table
"What the fuck?!" Naruto fell of his chair, slid down a hill into a river, swallowed a fish, made love to a mermaid and punched a shark
"What were you doing under the table?!" The Uchiha exclaimed
Anko crawled from under the table naked. She looked at the Uchiha then grabbed Orochimaru's (who was trying to avoid the Akatsuki) clothes off him in a flash covering herself. Orochimaru screamed like a little girl before rushing off naked, covering his nipples.
"Anko? Under the table?" Kakashi rolled his eye
"How come she was the only naked one?"
"I was giving her head"
"Under the fucking table of the fucking ramen shop?!" Naruto stormed in wet dragging seaweed with his feet "THIS IS WHERE I EAT!"
"And this is where I fuck" Kakashi rolled his other eye "get over it"
"What were you saying?" Sasuke ignored the blonde who was drying himself with Orochimaru's hair
The snake lover had come back because had had forgotten his purse. He ran of screaming again, covering his nipples and trying to dry his now wet hair in the wind.
"It's obvious Sakura's jealous" Kakashi explained
Sasuke moaned "Oh my god this again! For fucks sake, I already told her what shampoo and conditioner I use! It's not my fault my hair looks this good!"
"… I don't think that's it… But close"
"WHAT THEN?!" Naruto screamed dramatically "WHAT COULD IT BE?! FOR GODS SAKE! THE AGONY IS KILLING ME- oh the ramen's ready!"
Naruto stole ramen from a dying five year old girl and laughed merrily as he ate it.
The girls eyes narrowed dangerously "… I swear to every god in every religion" she whispered "you will die by my hands Naruto Uzumaki" and with that she faded into fog
"Tenten's pregnant" Kakashi continued "maybe she wants kids too?"
"Like I need any more children" Sasuke muttered
"what?"
"Nothing. Hn. I guess I can knock her up…" Sasuke sighed "I do need to revive the clan"
"What if she doesn't want a kid?" Naruto asked
"That's true" Sasuke commented "she already has you"
"Yea- wait! No! I'm not her kid!" Naruto shouted
"Oh yeah?"
FLASHBACK
"BUT I WANT IT!" Naruto screamed
"No" Sakura looked at Naruto disapprovingly
"PLEASE!" Naruto wailed desperately
"No"
Naruto started crying desperately clinging onto the book 'hamel the lonely camel' "BUT IT LOOKS SO GOOD! I WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO HAMEL?!"
"Naruto. We're on a mission. For fucks sake put the book back"
Naruto flung the book across the shops, took his pants off just to piss Sakura off, threw them at a nearby cat and ran off crying.
END OF FLASHBACK
"it took us ten hours to find him… Turned out he was playing hopscotch with a bunch of third grade girls"
"For ten hours?"
"You're surprised?"
Kakashi was silent, not really sure how to respond to that.
Naruto frowned before taking off his pants "FUCK YOU TEME!" threw them at a nearby cat and ran off laughing/crying
"… How many times has he done that?" Kakashi asked after a minute
"I didn't used to know how many different cats there were in Konoha until now" Sasuke answered in a monotone
Back to Neji and Tenten
"So it's agreed then?" Tenten asked
"Yep" All the Akatsuki members nodded
"If the kid is a transvestite, gay or ugly. You keep him"
"What wait?" Neji stopped tweeting about his threesome
"Bye" Tenten waved
Sakura opened the door to her house with a sigh.
She turned on the lights with a sigh.
She took of her coat with a sigh.
She-
"You called?"
"WHAT THE FUCK SAI HOW DID YOU GET IN?!" Sakura shrieked throwing her vase at him
Luckily he sensed bad furniture and instantly dodged causing it to smash against the wall. No one would miss that vase.
"You kept on sighing, I thought that was my cue-"
"GET THE FUCK OUT!"
Sai sighed (AN: lol) "and to think my penis app would already be downloaded by now if-"
"GET OUT!"
Once Sai was out Sakura fought the urge to sigh.
She felt bad for cracking it at Sasuke and Naruto… Maybe hitting them with children was a bitch much, but she couldn't help it. They had been annoying her so much the last few days, and she hadn't even gotten her period!
The truth was the only reason she was getting so angry at them was because she was jealous. And not just because of Sasuke's silky hair (seriously! He had to have some sort of secret), but because Tenten had gotten so far as to be engaged with Neji Hyuga. While Sakura was still only sleeping with Sasuke, I mean sure she could do what Tenten did and get knocked up and force him into marriage. But was the really worth all the poking holes in the condoms?
Not to mention Hinata and Naruto were already a thing.
Why was everyone getting dick but Sakura?!
Well… she was getting dick… but still!
Suddenly she heard whispering.
"Do it"
"but-"
"I'll get you fucking ramen"
"fine!"
Sakura looked around with a 'what the fuck?' expression when all the lights turned off.
Suddenly music started echoing through the house, it was 'let's talk about sex baby' by salt n pepa.
Sasuke came out wearing nothing but a hat.
Not on his head.
"Sakura!" Naruto said in a surprisingly emotionless voice into a mike that appeared from god knows where "will you…"
Sakura's eyes brightened
"bear Sasuke's children?"
Sakura paused.
And then condoms started raining down from the ceilings and dancers came from nowhere throwing nappies at her.
Sakura sighed
"if you call me one more time-" Sai paused "Sasuke-kun…" his eye's widened "your penis… it's so…"
"GET OUT SAI!"
After a few minutes of sex making, Sakura gave up and decided to become a lesbian. Sasuke not at all effected by this shrugged, called Tayuya and Kin and had a threesome in the shower. Naruto spent the rest of the week searching for the mermaid in case he might've knocked her up. Neji still questioned Tenten about the agreement they made with Akatsuki. Orochimaru still ran around Konoha covering his nipples and crying/screaming. To this day if you're really quiet, you can hear his screams…
Little did they know, something strange was reckoning not too far away…
Find out what.
In the next chapter of –when a man loves a woman starts playing- Tenten's pregnancy glow!
R
E
V
I
E
W