Chapter 9 - Thinking

A/N: Okay, so, I'm really sorry, but this is the end!
(Well, after a conclusion, which will be the very short chapter 10)

I feel kind of guilty for ending it when I said I would continue only two chapters ago...

But it just felt like the right thing to do...

Anyway, enjoy this prelude to the end!

Things go downhill as Anan predicted and just when everything had seemed to turn out for the better!

After lying on the hill, daydreaming, I found that I'd fallen asleep at one point, because when I woke up, it was night time. Waking up and having the first thing you see, be the northern lights was something incredibly spectacular. For a while, I was just stunned by the intense beauty of the night sky here.

"I can certainly get used to this." I said as I sat up and took a deep breath. The cold air felt great and I considered staying out for a while longer, deciding against it when I heard my name being called in the distance. I quickly ran up the hill, finding the Doctor at the base on the other side. I took a few steps backwards in an attempt to avoid him, but he'd already spotted me.

"Haylee!" He yelled as he waved abundantly. I slowly walked down to him and nodded, feigning a smile.

"Sorry, I fell asleep by the stream." I said as I passed by him.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so. Though I'm still a bit tired..."

"I guess you're still adjusting to the Time Lord rhythm."

"It's probably because I'm a lot younger. My rhythm is probably just different from yours." The words kind of came out unintentionally, but it might've actually been a valid reason.

"Y-Yeah, maybe…" This had been the first time I'd heard the Doctor stammer, even if just a little, he always knew what he was going to say and rarely ever doubted that.

"It was really weird." I explained to Anan. "Almost as if he felt guilty or uncertain about something. At least, that's what it sounded like to me."

"Perhaps that relates to what happened this morning?" I really liked how I could treat Anan as a personal psychologist, he was pretty good at it too.

"How could it? I don't really see how…"

"I do not see it either at this point. I everything will reveal itself over time. You need not worry." But that was exactly what I did.

And that in turn made it impossible for me to get any sleep. Sleeping on the couch wasn't exactly comfortable either. With a loud sigh, I got up and wandered over to the window. Anan had gone back to the TARDIS to sleep and I guessed that Ren and the Doctor had done the same. Figuring the TARDIS might have some interesting bed time stories for me, I quickly left for the blue box parked only a few feet from the house. I closed the door behind me, trying to be as quiet as possible, but felt that I was not alone. I was right, I wasn't.

"Couldn't sleep either?" The Doctor asked from the chair by the control panel.

"Guess I already did a fair amount of that this afternoon." I said as I leaned against the railing.

"Yeah, sorry if I woke you, by the way." I shook my head.

"I was already awake, just admiring the night sky." It remained silent for a while and I shifted uncomfortably under the weight of said silence.

"Hey, can I… Can I ask you something?" He ended the silence.

"Sure." He got off the chair and walked up to me, halting.

"Do you really think I'm too old?" I frowned.

"For what?" He looked away, a slight blush on his cheeks.

"You…" My eyes widened in surprise.

"I- No, why would you think that?" Because that was it. I saw all sorts of problems because of the age difference, but him being too old hadn't really been a problem for me. He seemed surprised by my answer.

"Ren said-" His face clouded and anger took over his features. "Damn her." He wanted to walk away, but I grabbed his arm, holding him back.

"Why? What is it?"

"She tricked me. She said she talked to you and you said you didn't want me because I was too old. She even had some sort of recording for it."

"That recorded conversation wasn't about that at all."

"It wasn't really a conversation as much as 3 words."

"No, that's just a part of it. She said you'd be better off with her because your ages aren't that far apart."

"And what did you say?"

"I… I said she was probably right. Because you've already seen so many things and already know what it's like to be a Time Lord and I'm basically just starting out. What I'm saying is that I'm not on par with you and that's why-"

"That's ridiculous." He interrupted. "Absolutely and utterly ridiculous."

"It's not, it's just me being realistic."

"Without taking me into consideration. I feel perfectly on par with you and anyone else for that matter. Age and experience have nothing to do with that." I blinked, remembering how he'd asked me if he was too old for me. Wasn't that basically an invitation of sorts? To a relationship, perhaps? I coughed and shivered slightly, thinking of what it'd feel if it wasn't and I was just misinterpreting completely.

"Are you cold? I can get some blankets if you want." The Doctor said, instantly on guard.

"No, it's fine. I was just… thinking of something."

"You shouldn't think too much. Gives you wrinkles." My hand instantly went up to my forehead, feeling for said wrinkles.

"But judging by that wrinkleless face of yours, you haven't done much thinking yet up until now." He grinned and I playfully punched his arm.

"Meanie."

"Always." Suddenly, the lights dimmed and slow music started playing in the background. I rolled my eyes and looked to the control panel.

"Well, I guess I should do something now." He held out his hand. "May I have this dance?" With a slight blush on my cheeks, I took his hand and we slowly started shuffling around the control panel.

"I didn't know you could dance."

"I- … Someone taught me." There was a hint of sadness in his voice and I guessed that someone on Gallifrey must've taught him, but I could've been wrong.

We shuffled on and on and I eventually got slightly dizzy, having to sit down for a moment. The lights came back on and the music slowly faded away.

"Your adjusting is taking quite some time." The Doctor said as he patted my back. I wondered if that was actually the reason for my lesser Time Lord senses. What if this was permanent?

"It won't be, don't worry." He read my mind. My tiredness had weakened the barrier around my thoughts for a moment.

"Let my guard down." I panted. Not even in my human form had I been this out of shape, it wasn't even that intense to be honest.

"I think you'll be able to sleep now." The Doctor tried to sound lighthearted, but I could tell he was worried.

"I do feel kind of tired." I admitted. Without even the slightest warning, he picked me up bridal style and started walking.

"But I should sleep in the house." I whined.

"There's not even a bed there. Wait until it's properly furnished." The door to my room opened for us and closed again after we'd gone in. He put me down onto the bed ever so gently and pulled the covers up, sitting down once I was properly tucked in.

"When the workers are done tomorrow we can move in the furniture and start living there." He explained. "For now, just rest here." I yawned, already being half asleep.

"You too?" I asked.

"I don't need to rest. I can go on for a whole lot longer." He sounded somewhat proud.

"You should rest too… It's good for you." He stood and smiled.

"Alright, if you insist." I grabbed his sleeve before he got a chance to walk away.

"With me." By now I was just sleep talking. He blinked a few times in surprise, then his face flushed.

"B-B-But, y-you're… I mean, I don't know if-"

"Shhhhhh, you're too noisy… Hurry up." He let out a deep breath, took his shoes off and scooted in next to me. The lights went out, making the room feel cold all of a sudden. I couldn't help but shiver. I felt an arm wrapping itself around my waist and smiled contently at the warmth that was passed on to me.

"Good night."

"Good night."

I stretched out as I woke up and shifted in the bed, opening my eyes to check the time. Instead of a clock, as usual, my eyes were met by the Doctor's closed ones. I had no recollection whatsoever of getting into a bed with him and that fact wouldn't sink in just yet either. He sure looked peaceful like that, so calm and innocent. I found myself smiling sheepishly at that contrast and barely even noticed when he woke up as well. He looked me straight in the eye and for a moment, I could see the exact same surprise on his face as there'd been on mine just a minute ago.

"Good morning." He said, smiling such a bright smile that it nearly blinded me.

"Very good morning indeed." I agreed.

"Sleep well?"

"It was perfect." Without even thinking about it properly, I leaned forward and bluntly kissed him. When I fully woke and realized what I was doing and that this probably wasn't a dream, I quickly broke away, awaiting his response with my hearts beating away like a mad clockwork. I felt a whole lot of emotions when he sat up, leaned over me and harshly pressed his lips onto mine, cupping my cheek with his hand. I completely surrendered and kissed him back, trying to meet his level of 'roughness' a little. His hand moved up, his long fingers running through my hair and coming to a stop at the back of my head. He broke away and breathed heavily for a moment, mouth slightly opened.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this." He said as he pressed his forehead against mine.

"You're not the only one." I said, my voice hoarse as I move upwards in an attempt to reach his lips once more.

I quickly broke away when I felt a cough coming up and held a hand over my mouth, making sure that the germs wouldn't spread into the air. Putting my hand down again when the fit had passed, I was met by a horrified look in the Doctor's eyes. I frowned, looked down at my hand and shrieked when I saw nothing but blood on it. I felt another fit coming up and I quickly raised my blood stained hand to catch another wave.

"I don't think that's good, Doctor."

~Three days later~

It wasn't good. It wasn't good at all.

"It's a special virus that has a 5% chance of infecting someone who is still in the process of adjusting to the Time Lord rhythm after being turned back. It also prevents you from regenerating." The Doctor solemnly informed me in the TARDIS's white hospital ward. I was in a bed, wired up to all sorts of machines, Anan was pacing back and forth at the other end of the room, even Ren seemed genuinely worried.

"And?"

"I don't know much besides that. I've never seen it in action before. All I know comes from a book on Gallifreyan medicine and there's not even that much in there either." He explained, taking hold of my hand. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I wish I could cure it, but I don't know how." He choked the words out.

"I'm sure I'll get better. It feels as though I will."

"It's unfair…" He whispered as he squeezed my hand tightly.

"Alas, that is the curse of life, even more so if you have an eternity of it." Despite my ravaged look, I still managed to make witty remarks and that was something to be proud of. My throat was sore from all the blood I'd coughed up, I looked pale as a ghost from said blood loss and I'd already lost quite a bit of weight thanks to my new 'don't eat 'cause you'll throw it up again anyway' diet.

To summarize, I'd transformed from me to a half dead person in only three days, that didn't really give me much courage for the coming days. How long would this drag on? Because even through the medication, I still clearly felt the pain. It was a strange kind of pain, almost comparable to the cramping pain women feel when they get their period, but then without the cramping. It didn't come in waves as it does then, it was just there. It was there and that was something that couldn't be changed, not even in the few hours I'd be able to rest. It was always there, continually eating away at me. I wasn't sure exactly which part it was eating at, but it was chewing up both my mental health (a.k.a. sanity) as my bodily health.
The worst of all was that I knew it was eating at the Doctor as well. Even though he didn't feel the bodily part like I did, his mental health definitely suffered because of this. Because of me. I wouldn't be surprised if he thought it was actually his fault, which it obviously wasn't.

When Ren had dragged a reluctant Anan out of the room, it was just the Doctor, me and a steady double beeping sound from one of the machines.

"Look, I'm not going to tell you to fight, I'm really not. Because I don't want you to suffer. If you know that this is something-" He swallowed, obviously fighting back tears. "If you know that this is something you won't win, then I won't tell you to fight a losing battle." That came as a bit of a surprise. I knew he definitely meant it well, but the words still had an unpleasant ring to them. As if they were never meant to be said in a good way and could only be used in a bad one.

"What then?"

"Then it's up to you if you want to continue or not, but I've held on to things too tightly before and that was exactly the reason why they disappeared and I don't want that anymore." I laughed weakly.

"Don't be so gloomy. I'm not going to walk out on you guys just yet." His eyes lit up slightly. "I told you before. Right now, I'm the one who's winning, so have a little faith in me, alright?" He kissed my forehead and nodded.

"I have all the faith in you that one could possibly have."

"That's good. That's.. good…" I was slipping out of consciousness ever so slowly. My vision slowly darkened until I could see no more and hear nothing but the two steady beeps beside me. Just before the lights in my head went out as well, I was suddenly afraid that I might not wake up from this slumber...