"Anzu Mazaki, may I speak to you alone in my office?"
The request caught her completely off guard, but nodding her head, Anzu agreed to go. She was tired, her legs were sore, and her ankles and feet felt even worse. After taking a short break from dancing, Anzu could feel the weakness in her body, and watching the other dancers; she cursed herself internally for allowing herself to become so lazy.
A professional ballerina is an athlete, and then an artist. How could she expect to make it through her grueling work outs that lasted some five to six hours a day if she didn't put out just as much time in at the gym before class began for the season? It didn't help that she gained weight, a healthy amount that was supposed to already be there, and now Anzu knew she'd have to try losing it again without starving herself.
Everything about dance was painful. The training, the other girls who tried knocking her down, the instructors who called her fat, everything. Standing there in pointe shoes with sweat dripping off her face, she asked herself for the thousandth time again in her life why she was pursuing this? Why did she need to show everyone that she could do this?
All she was really doing was hurting herself.
When her instructor went into the office, she felt a sense of dread come over her. Anzu knew she wasn't at her best. Not like the season before, and after giving such a spectacular performance in New York, everyone was counting on her to be ready.
And she felt like she had let them down, and that was troubling for her.
Anzu caught her breath, bending down to grab a towel and drying off her face before taking a water bottle to her lips. She was dehydrated, but had worked through her thirst. Now she knew she'd be dealing with the worst cramps imaginable the next day, but that wouldn't stop her from coming to practice.
She didn't want to leave her instructor waiting for too long either, so biting her lip while feeling the pain coming through her feet as if she was walking on a bed of needles, Anzu strode through the office door, taking a seat as she waited to be addressed.
"Mazaki," started her instructor, "I know you've been working very hard. More so than many of the girls here because of your unique disadvantages. But as you can see, we are getting to that level of turning amateurs into young, professional ballerinas, and I don't think you're up for it."
"Sensei, I've been-"
"Mazaki, I know how hard you've been working. I've noticed, I don't pick favorites in my class. However, I also noticed that you've been distracted now. And you're a smart girl too; I don't see why you'd want this sort of life, the long hours of back breaking training and little fiscal reward when you could be so much more suitable for other work."
"This is what I've wanted since I was a kid," Anzu answered back in a hushed voice, "If you don't think I'm cut out, I'll show you-"
"It's not a matter of will, Mazaki. I know how stubborn you are. You're just… I don't think you'd be happy if you actually did make it. Ballerinas have short, brutal careers. You'll have no friends, no true friends... Everyone you know will be trying to show you up, and between working some six hours a day in a studio six days a week outside of performances and any secondary jobs to support your low income, you'll have no romantic life. Nothing. Only dance.
Do you really want that sort of lifestyle for yourself? You're a nice girl. There's a lot this world could offer you that would be more suitable for you.
Now I wouldn't tell you this if I didn't like you."
"I understand."
"Good."
The older woman rose up from her chair, fixing the bun she wore before looking back down at Anzu, who sat in front of her. Unlike the young girl, her joints were stiff and her feet were damaged beyond repair. She was already dealing with arthritis at her mid-thirties, and frowning at the sight of her student's disappointed face, she tried reasoning with her once last time.
"Mazaki let me be completely frank with you. The dancing world will destroy you. You have a five percent chance just like the rest of these girls of making it into a company, and after that, you'll be used up for close to nothing until someone else more talented comes along and snags your spot. You get hurt, and everything is over. You'll make no money, and unless some miracle happens and you become a soloist that attracts crowds, it'll all be over before you even make it to thirty. Just trust me and let this childhood dream go… You may leave. That's all I have to say on this."
That was not the kind of talk Anzu was expecting, but it was far better than what she had been imagining in her head. Walking out of the room and back into the studio, she felt somewhat numb now that her instructor had approached her over it. The reasons she already knew for quitting, things she had been musing over for quite some time…
It would just be such a major disappointment. Anzu did not want to give up, she had never given up anything in her entire life, but… her instructor was right. A ballerina's life was short and lonely, and now she was realizing that maybe she didn't want that for herself.
And not because of Kaiba. Not completely. Sure, she had thought about quitting more recently because of his pleas to stay, but that was only another push that she'd been getting to stop. High school was over, and she had never been as devoted as a true professional was. Not after chasing her friends in those duels instead of practicing like she should have been some three hours a day…
Now it was showing. Her educational gap was immense, and the only thing getting her through was sheer will, and now even that was beginning to fade. The desire to win was gone, and standing alone now in the studio grabbing her duffle bag, Anzu stared at the barre for a while before shaking her head.
Maybe it was really time to let it go. Before it was too late and she'd end up hurting herself.
Getting on a bus to take her home, she sulked in her seat for a while, day dreaming her options. Her instructor was right; she was certainly smart enough to come up with other options, but none fascinated her quite like dance did. Could there really be anything out there that would be a suitable substitute?
She didn't know. Leaning against the window, her eyes started fading into her thoughts, and it didn't come quite as a realization that Ryou Bakura had taken a seat next to her until she caught his familiar scent, turning around and shocked to attention by a head of white hair and shinning brown eyes.
"You looked lost in thought," her friend said, carrying a bunch of psychology books in his lap, "I didn't want to interrupt you."
"No, you're fine. I just have a lot on my mind right now."
Anzu wasn't sure if she wanted to share her problems with Ryou of all people, they weren't exactly close, but she figured it would be better than just dwelling on her issues all alone.
"You see," she started, "I've wanted something for a long time, and I'm almost at that point that I might be able to get it… But something else happened too, something I also really want, maybe even more, but I'm afraid if I give my dream up for this new thing, I might be making a mistake… It might all end up falling apart, and then I'll have nothing."
"That's quite a problem then…"
Ryou's voice became silent as he thought it over, and Anzu turned her head to watch him, studying his expressions. He seemed almost amused by the situation, and smiling at his companion easily before she scowled back, he spoke in his mild-mannered way of his.
"Does this have anything at all to do with a boy?" He asked, smiling slightly before brushing back his white hair, "It's not that hard, Anzu. Just do what your heart wants, and everything will be all right."
Just blinking at him, Anzu wasn't sure if she should be pacified by that sort of an answer, but Ryou only turned his face to look at the front of the bus, taking out some candy before sucking on taffy.
"I watch people a lot," he explained, "And I guess that comes with being a bit of a loner, and I noticed that you always want people to rely on you. It makes you feel needed, and if you want to be with someone and it's causing you this much distress, then you shouldn't fight it. I mean you gave up dance to chase after Yugi and Jonouchi in high school…"
"That was different. They needed me," she explained, "Yugi was my best friend and-"
"I don't see the difference at all," laughed Ryou, flipping the candy with his tongue, "Isn't this man also your best friend? If you cared for him, I'd hope so."
"He is my best friend," Anzu finally admitted more to herself than Ryou, "And I want to be with him… But I feel like if I did that, people would judge me."
"Who cares what people think? Unless he's some bum, I don't think anyone would. Your friends would be happy for you."
"My friends don't like him."
Ryou turned to look at Anzu in the face, his eyes expressive and slightly shocked as Anzu stared at her feet. She wasn't sure if she wanted to explain just with whom she was lamenting a relationship over. Would Ryou even believe it? Maybe, since he didn't see people for their exterior shells, but even hearing that Kaiba had deep romantic thoughts about a person might come as a bit of a shock to him.
"Well, who is he?" Asked Ryou, completely oblivious, "I'm sure Yugi can't really dislike anyone... Maybe Kaiba, but he's kind of a dick."
Anzu just stared at him. And figuring out what was going on by silence alone; Ryou stared back in shock, unable to comment before turning his attention back towards the front of the bus, watching his stop disappearing behind him but too focused on the discussion to leave just yet.
"You can't be serious, Anzu."
"I'm completely serious."
"That's an interesting turn of events then," laughed Ryou, now sounding more nervous than amused, "I guess I can understand your hesitation."
There was an awkward silence when Anzu said nothing else, and they sat next to each other for some time before anyone did anything. Instead of speaking though, Anzu just rose up from her spot to leave. Ryou got up as well, following after as he admired her neighborhood with the planted cherry trees in front of the apartment buildings. Turning around to watch her companion following behind, Anzu almost felt like telling him to go home, but she almost never saw any of her old friends. And even if she felt like she was being teased, over reacting would not do her any good.
"Any reason you're following me home?" She asked instead, hurrying over to her apartment door once she reached the lawn.
"I went grocery shopping this afternoon," replied Ryou, still smiling, "And I thought maybe I could cook something for you since you seem so out of sorts. I would appreciate the company, and I think you'll like what I'm about to make."
"Sure."
Tonight wasn't a Burger World night, so unlocking the door and turning on the living room lights, Anzu let Ryou instead. He immediately closed and locked the door, dumping his books onto the kitchen counter along with his back pack before taking out bags of food, Anzu raising an eye brow in amusement while the boy got her kitchen ready.
"Do you often do this sort of thing?" She asked, taking a seat up on the counter before picking up a jar of spice, "This doesn't look like Japanese cooking."
"It's not. I really like Middle Eastern food; it reminds me of my father."
He took out a package of chicken breast and began slicing it, putting it on a hot frying pan before seasoning it with all sorts of exotic spices until the room was heavy with it. Then he used the rice cooker, making some sort of yellow rice for the meal, and began with some Greek yogurt for what Anzu could only assume might be the sauce. There were bread loaves, and hummus, which she liked, and Ryou seemed completely comfortable doing everything himself.
"So," he finally said, after finishing with the meat and piling it on top of a bed of rice, "Do you like Kaiba then?"
"I guess so."
"You guess?"
There was laughing, and Anzu scowled before grabbing her plate of food, dipping the bread into the hummus and stuffing it into her mouth as Ryou shined his bright eyes at her. She didn't like being teased, and it was odd talking about her relationship with someone who wasn't, well, wasn't Kaiba himself.
"Anzu, you have nothing to be all defensive about. He's kind of an ass, but he's also good looking and smart, so it's not like anyone's going to think less of you for having feelings… I mean, we're all adults now, I'm sure if Yugi or Jonouchi found out, they wouldn't even care-"
"Yugi would be heart broken."
Taking a bite out of the food, Anzu was immediately quieted by the taste. It was different, more flavorful than the typical Japanese fare she was used to, and the chicken was thickly sliced and cooked in garlic with lemon, with the hint of olive oil and herbs in the background, it was overwhelmingly good. She couldn't get enough, dipping the bread into the yogurt sauce, and finally feeling better at enjoying a more filling meal, Anzu thought over her situation again.
"It's just," she started, avoiding Ryou's peering eyes, "Yugi and I have a strained relationship, I guess you could say. Ever since the other Yugi left, he's been trying to prove himself… Like he's enough now and I can't deal with it."
"I don't quite understand what you're getting at Anzu."
"He's trying to win me over," She finally announced, her face turning read from raising her voice, "And I don't want him. I keep trying to give him hints when I see him that I don't have feelings for him, but he doesn't get it. And I don't want to hurt him, but I can't pretend that I can love him like I loved the one who left. He's not the same person, he knows this, and I don't get how he can think that showing up in New York with flowers was going to win me over.
I just want my old friend back. And I want to get over him… Atem…"
"So," said Ryou rather quietly, "What does this have to do with Kaiba?"
"Well…"
Stuffing her face again with food, Anzu looked at Ryou before swallowing. Did she really want to dump her suppressed feelings on her clueless friend? It wasn't like Ryou had planned on coming to play romantic counselor, and he probably didn't want to hear about her personal problems… But then again, Anzu was feeling overwhelmed with everything, and maybe he could clear her mind up a little.
"I guess I'm afraid that if I take a chance with him, he'll eventually leave me. I wasn't enough for Atem," she said quietly, glancing at her food before sighing, "And if I leave dance for this, I just want some sort of reassurance that I'm making the right choice. The only person who's ever always been there for me was Yugi, but I just can't make myself care for him like that. I thought I could maybe, back years ago, but now I know I can't."
"That's quite a predicament then."
After Ryou had finished eating, he began clearing up the kitchen, washing the dishes and drying them while Anzu sat there in silence. She really did look troubled, the way her eyebrows were crossed and how she hugged her left knee while her chin rested there, but he thought maybe she was thinking too much about it. He didn't know much about relationships, but he did know how it felt to be alone and unhappy.
"Anzu," he finally interrupted, having cleaned everything after a good twenty minutes of silence, "I think you know what you want, you're just too afraid to get it."
"It's not easy to just give up."
"But you're not giving up," reasoned Ryou, shaking his head, "Not really. If you thought you could be happy dancing alone, you wouldn't be dwelling over this so much. Even I know how strenuous that lifestyle is, and like I said before… You don't like being alone. Anzu, you need to do what will make you happy instead of showing people what you can do at the risk of being miserable.
If it fails, well, at least you can tell yourself you tried."
Looking into Ryou's eyes, she knew he was right. Intuitive as usual, he always seemed to know what was going on with everyone without ever showing any sort of indication that he was watching. Or maybe he was just good at simplifying things. Anzu didn't know just which one it was, but she did feel somewhat better.
Maybe there was a possibility of things working out.
"Everyone, stop crowding around her!"
The dancers were all huddled around their peer, Anzu one of them, and it wasn't until her instructor shoved her out of the way and bended down to see the girl's leg did her fears finally surface. She had just been practicing on the barre, trying to improve her balance en pointe while breaking in new shoes when one of the older girls screamed and fell to the ground, crying into a ball when everyone else ran to her side.
Now it was hushed, besides the girl's constant moaning from pain, and a few girls were whispering in the side lines, but not quite as much as Anzu was expecting.
"You might have broken your ankle; you'll need to get this x-rayed at the hospital before showing up tomorrow."
A stress fracture. It was something nearly all dancers faced at one time in their career, among other injuries, and frowning, Anzu immediately felt her stomach flop when her classmate was escorted out, unable to put any amount of weight on her left foot while two other girls helped carry her out into the lobby. Someone was going to drive her to the hospital, and once all the commotion ended, class continued.
Some of the girls were laughing. That was to be expected, one of their competition was going to be out for quite some time, especially if there was a broken bone. The pain would be too much, and their school wouldn't allow them to willingly work through injuries. Not like a professional company might get away with.
Anzu certainly knew the pain from having shin splints before, having to ice her legs while taking pain killers each night. They lasted for several weeks before her legs got strong enough to tolerate the physical exertion of dance, and afterwards, she had always been paranoid of injuring herself. It made each fall and stumble something of a scare, that she'd land wrong, and sitting down to check her feet, she noticed something bad.
Her new shoes were making her bleed. Shaking her head, Anzu couldn't believe it.
"Dammit."
It wasn't like they weren't made to fit. And after cutting down her toe nails and trying to mend them into being broken in, they were still too painful for prolonged use. The bruising along both of her feet were becoming more pronounced, and she could swear that they were also becoming swollen. Anzu never had broken toes or in-grown toe nails like some of the other girls, but the pain was still constantly throbbing.
Not until she got home later that day, could Anzu actually do anything about it. She worked through the discomfort, trying her best to not show it on her face while doing the exercises asked of her, but she knew she was once again not working at her best. Not as well as before, and closing her eyes from exhaust while relaxing on her bed, she didn't even watch Kaiba as he began looking over her cuts.
"Have your feet always been this fucked up?" He asked, using a damp rag to wipe the crusting blood off before using an antiseptic on the cuts to clean them, "No wonder you don't run around bare foot."
"Dancers wear slippers for a reason," Anzu said, frowning as she felt pressure along her heel, "And I'm fine. It'll heal."
"You're pushing it when you shouldn't."
When Anzu opened her eyes, she noticed that he wasn't even looking at her, his complete focus on getting the ace bandages out before wrapping her in them to keep the pain down from the open blisters. He seemed pretty disgusted by it all, but went through caring for it without complaint, and Anzu was rather impressed. She didn't even ask for the assistance.
"-There was a girl in my class today who fell."
She looked at Kaiba's face again, as he looked up at hers, before continuing, "They had to take her to the ER and get x-rays done. Her foot was broken; she had been ignoring the stress fractures all over her left foot, and I guess she placed too much weight on it and they all snapped."
"When will she be able to dance again?"
"I don't think she will," answered Anzu back, "She'll be out of practice by the time she's done with physical therapy, and she's too old to get back into the company after several months rest. I've never seen anything so bad before."
By the look in Kaiba's eyes, she could tell that he was trying to tell her that it wasn't worth going through the pain for something like "dance", but she looked away. At least he wasn't verbalizing his concern, and sighing, she already knew that her body was in pain on an almost daily basis now.
After taking that break, Anzu just couldn't jump back into things as quickly as she thought she could. Everything hurt, she probably had some shin splints again to deal with, and once Kaiba placed on a pair of foot braces, Anzu finally spoke up.
"Would you mind icing my legs?"
He shook his head, getting up and disappearing into her kitchen where she stored the ice packs in the freezer. When he came back, Kaiba broke them and placed each on one of Anzu's legs, moving so that they were resting on his lap before using his hands to massage her left calf muscle.
"You know," he said, interrupting the silence, "If you wanted me to, I'd do this for you every night."
"I know that, Kaiba."
His eyes looked serious, but Anzu couldn't help but smile, feeling better now that her body wasn't so tense from discomfort. The pain wasn't so bad as times before, like when she bruised her leg from falling, but she certainly didn't feel up to par.
"And I'm not helpless."
"I'm not insinuating that you're helpless, Anzu," he said back rather snippily, "I'm just letting you know that I care."
Snorting, Anzu just closed her eyes again and stopped talking. Sitting there feeling slightly unsure of how to feel, she didn't really know just how tired she actually felt until the ice packs were numbing everything and the pain was dissipating. The ibuprofen helped as well, but Anzu knew she had been avoiding getting looked at. Whatever news the doctor would tell her probably wouldn't be welcomed.
Kaiba was probably tired too. He had appeared late and without calling ahead, as usual, with food in hand. Take-out sushi rolls with rice and different kinds of sauces, which Anzu ate with him in bed before she went to taking off her socks, showing off her hideously bruised feet and catching Kaiba's eye before she could shove him away.
Even her own parents didn't give so much thought to her injuries, and now waiting an hour for the ice to do its magic, Anzu thought about talking, but didn't. Her mind was blanking from lack of rest, and Kaiba seemed just as subdued probably from his own exhaust.
She could feel him shifting on the mattress, lying down beside her while taking of his coat. One of his hands fell back to her leg, rubbing a thumb against her thigh, before he sighed.
"I know what you're about to say," said Anzu, opening her eyes and looking down at Kaiba's frowning face, "So you don't even have to start. I'm going to quit dance as my major this term and change it to my minor. I don't have to dance professionally; I can do something else…"
"Are you sure."
"What choice do I have?"
"You always have a choice, Mazaki," argued Kaiba, "It's just a matter if you like your options or not. You could become a dancer, but we both know you'll be too busy for a relationship and it wouldn't work if you moved overseas. There's only so much I can do, and I know how hectic life would be for you, I'm not ignorant of the obligations you'd be committed to.
Or you could stay with me. I'm not perfect, and I know I piss you off more times than not, but… I'd like to think that I could at least make you not regret taking a chance at staying together. It's not what you originally wanted, and we don't always get along, but you make me happy, and I'm trying to make you happy too, if you'd just let me."
"You've said this before…"
"Then I'll say it again."
They just stared at each other for a minute, Kaiba's gaze becoming too intense for Anzu's liking before she broke contact first, taking off the ice packs before throwing them in the bathroom sink. Tomorrow she could deal with them, right now she was too tired to think, and while her legs were still numb, she wanted to try to fall asleep.
Walking back to bed, she watched Kaiba from the corner of her eyes get undressed. He seemed rather strained, his face somewhat tense, but giving no further verbal indication of being upset, he just silently took off his clothes before getting under the sheets, mumbling something about the mattress not being as good as his. It made Anzu laugh, and getting in after him, she punched his shoulder before turning away on her side to sleep.
"You shouldn't hit people, Mazaki, it's impolite."
"Just be thankful it wasn't your nose this time."
That rewarded her with a snort, and she could feel him turning around to sleep against her before he became still, his arm around her waist and breathe meeting her ear lobe each time he exhaled. It didn't even bother her, and if he hadn't moved closer, Anzu would have been a little self-conscious over it. She didn't like that she cared so much now, but what was the point of sharing a bed if they weren't going to be near each other?
"You shouldn't hate on my nose so much," grumbled Kaiba's belate response, his voice becoming far sleepier by the second, "I can't help the shape of my face."
"I don't hate your nose, Kaiba."
"It's not like I would even care if you did."
She could feel him poking her in the back of her head with it, on purpose, and swatting his face away, Anzu turned onto her back before squinting her eyes in the darkness, not quite seeing her companion but very well aware that he was near her.
And finding his eyes in the darkness, she quickly found where his nose had to be, and flicked him there before turning onto her stomach to avoid whatever retaliation he thought of for being assaulted. He seemed more annoyed than vengeful though, cursing the pain before groaning, lying back down with his head on her back before taking another long exhale.
"Kaiba," Anzu said, turning her head towards him, "I haven't been honest with myself. I've been trying to hold onto things that I couldn't be for a long time, in hopes that they'd just work out, but that can't happen. I know it's impossible. And I'm not talking about dance, but a lot of things…"
Namely one thing in particular, but she didn't want to ruin the mood with names.
"If I just learned to accept that, I could be happy. With you."
"It's just a matter if you want to or not then," Kaiba answered back.
"Well, I do."
She couldn't see it, but he smiled at that, kissing her back lightly before moving to lie next to her. He still had his arm around her, and as she shifted to her side to sleep under his chin, Anzu could feel the drowsiness threatening to steal her away into the night and Kaiba was probably feeling the same too. He wasn't usually so calm.
"Then I guess there's no issue that warrants staying up any later," he said, his eyes closing and breathing slowing down before falling asleep, "Good night."