Ugm, guys I just finished this fic last night, so I'm probably going to do some bulk posting soon. Maybe not now cause I'm really tired, but soon. SOON.

(After 'Heart', 2.17)

The next few cases were anything but smooth. Sam was happy for the first couple weeks not thinking of Loki. He hoped he wouldn't be calling the trickster any time soon. It would show the deity that Sam wasn't desperate for Loki's attention or anything. And everything seemed to be looking up after he met Madison; the beautiful and intelligent woman that watched soaps and folded her entire underwear collection in front of him. He thought for a moment, she was someone he wanted to get to know, intimately if possible. She reminded him a lot of Jess.

But then... She was a werewolf and he'd had to... He had to be the one to pull the trigger. She'd asked him to. He would have rather have shot himself if it would help her. But of course not. She didn't want to hurt any one.

Dean hovered over Sam for a few days, acting as though Sam was going to break if he left him alone for too long. Sam was a bit down to appreciate the lack of insults. Sometimes that fact made him feel worse, and he didn't know why. He didn't want Dean pitying him. Thankfully Dean backed off and of course went to celebrate his own time off at the local bar.

Sam called Loki's number a few minutes later, still feeling waves of guilt crashing over him. He just wanted to feel good for a few minutes. He wanted to let go. He really needed to let go for just a bit.

Loki picked up on the second ring and cheerfully gave him an address.

At least Loki met him at the door this time. Though maybe it wasn't so much a good thing as it was Loki wasn't being lazy and using his powers to show off.

"Well who rained on your parade?" Loki raised a critical brow and Sam rolled his eyes as he walked in. Max greeted him with a couple bouncing barks before running to his couch, as though Sam was going to take it from him. Sam pulled his shirt off over his head and tossed it over the back of Loki's chair before Loki even closed the door. Sam turned to Loki's bemused gaze and he bend down, his hands pushing into Loki's shoulders as he mashed their lips together. Loki made a surprised noise, but unlike a normal person, he didn't hit the wall with Sam's aggression. He was rooted to the floor with the weight of a boulder. It was actually more securing than Sam thought it would be. He pressed his full weight into the kiss and Loki's fingers cupped his elbows, quickly being enticed into the movement of Sam's mouth.

Sam felt himself pressed against the wall, his legs bending under him. He was level with Loki, assaulted by kisses and it was what Sam needed. His fingers dug hard into Loki's shirt and jacket, hungry for the sensations that he could lose himself in. Somehow they stumbled into the bedroom and when Sam's back hit the bed, he was naked. Sam was startled for a moment before he realized Loki had just waved his hand and all of their clothing was just gone. Magic, of course, Sam thought briefly before Loki was over him and kissed his flesh.

It was becoming easier for Sam, to let go, to let the trickster open him up and thrust into him. Sam gripped his hands into the sheets, his knees and face pressed into the bed. For a glorious moment there was no words, just grunting and moans. There was no sentiment or thought, just pleasure. But it was also raw, cutting into Sam's emotions like a scalpel and he felt his eyes burn with tears. He willed his voice to stay steady but his moans started ending in sobs and Loki stopped, which was not what Sam wanted.

"Sam?" Loki's hands eased from his hips and Sam held his breath, trying to get his bearings back. The last thing he needed was for Loki to see him cry during sex. It wasn't even sex related, it just happened.

"Don't stop." Sam shut his eyes tight, half his face pressed into the sheets, "Don't stop, I just want to feel good for a bit. Please. Please..." Loki was hesitant but he pressed forward again and Sam hissed in relief, willing the damn pieces of his heart away. The thrusting was not the fast pace it was early and it didn't blur his mind like he wanted. It felt good though, especially when Loki kissed his back and rocked into him. It was an intimate kind of slow and Sam's eyes filled with more tears. He was just a tense ball of sensation and he hated himself for sobbing into the sheets as they rocked together.

Sam hid in the sheets after the deed was done and he held his breath as he laid flat on the bed. He felt Loki pull away and Sam hoped he wouldn't say anything. He hoped the deity would just give him time alone. Instead he felt a soft blanket pulled over him and it lay warm on his legs and back as Loki laid next to him. Loki slid an arm around Sam's back, pressing his forehead into the back of Sam's neck.

"It's okay." Loki murmured in a soothing way and Sam swallowed wetly, keeping himself down and head turned away from Loki. Loki rubbed Sam's arm and back and Sam used the sheets to soak up his tears as they wracked his body with small tremors. Loki was thankfully silent and Sam refused to look at the trickster. He didn't want to see Loki's expression after seeing him like this...

Sam woke up at the sound of the motel door shutting with a creak and Sam jerked awake, finding himself back in his and Dean's motel room. He was dressed with his clothes from last night and saw Dean was coming back in from his night on the town.

"You still awake?" Dean asked and Sam checked his face with his hands and the clock on the side table that read nearly 2am. He'd gone to see Loki at no later than midnight. his face was hot from crying and he wondered if he'd fallen asleep at Loki's again; which was another stupid mistake. Sam hoped Dean kept the light off.

"I guess I must have dozed off." Sam said automatically, thinking over Loki soothing him with simple strokes of his hands. He wasn't sure if he felt better for it, but it was the first time he'd really let go since Madison's death.

"Yeah, go back to sleep." Dean tugged off his boots at the bed and Sam got up, feeling the familiar ache after visiting Loki. It was never a bad feeling, but one he could rely on, letting him know it wasn't a dream. Sam went to the bathroom, hoping his gimp looked more like he was waking up his muscles more than anything else. He went to the bathroom and turned on the light, running his hands through his hair after he'd shut the door. He looked himself in the mirror, finding his cheeks still red and a hickey on his neck for his troubles last night. Sam rubbed his hands over his face and cursed himself in his head. He'd made a complete fool of himself and he hadn't even said why he started crying. And he'd started crying in front of Loki. He dreaded going back again. Loki would be as bad as Dean, Sam was sure of it.

Sam shut off the light and went back to his bed, finding Dean was already sprawled out on his bed. Sam sighed and slipped back into bed, curling his sheets around him like Loki had drawn up the blanket; though it was not as warm.