For those of you who didn't swear to never read anything from me ever again, here is the next chapter.
Enjoy!
True to his words, Nate comes back to their apartment, the night after their fight. He tries to talk to Blair, and he tries to explain, but she locks herself in their bedroom. The following morning, she finds him on the couch, eyes open, like he never slept.
They stay this way for exactly three days. They don't talk, they walk around each other in the apartment, avoiding, and Blair can only really breathe when she is at work. She gets busy by taking her new position in the museum, while outlining the final details of her upcoming exhibit. Her job is still what she is the best at, and Blair is determined to become even better.
Chuck doesn't call about Emily McQueen, and Blair doesn't get impatient. Dan calls, but she never answers.
Serena gets worried, and asks her what is going on. Blair cannot bring herself to tell her, to admit how stupid she was, and how hurt she felt. So she dismisses the questions every time, simply answering that everything will be alright; she has everything under control. Which worries Serena even more.
"Don't do anything you might regret" she says.
Blair doesn't think she even has room within her left for regrets.
One night, she comes home and Nate is sitting on the couch, waiting for her. Blair tries to walk away, to their room, just like she's done for the past three days and Nate halts her, taking her hand in his.
"Blair, look at me"
Blair stops, breaks herself free from his hold, and turns to him.
"What?"
It's the first word she's said to him in three days, and Nate seems a bit taken aback to hear her talk.
"The mayor is sending me to Washington for a week, tomorrow" he says "But I don't want to go, unless I know that we will talk again, when I come back"
Blair sighs. She finds his insistence tiring.
"Go" she says.
"Not until you tell me that we will get through this. That you will listen to what I have to say"
"Just go, Nate" she says "It'll give us both time to think"
Nate nods. That night, when Blair is already in bed and he gets out of the bathroom in his pajamas, he walks tentatively to the side of the bed. Blair doesn't send him away, just turns on her back. She feels him slide under the sheets.
"I'm sorry, Blair" she hears him whisper.
Blair wants to cry, then. She has wanted to cry a lot. Out of anger, and out of disappointment. Out of disgust from herself; making him believe that he is the problem while everything is about her. She is the one destroying their marriage, he is the one blaming himself, and she doesn't even stop him. She let her insecurities drive her through a sort of insanity. She was perhaps satisfied with the role of the victim, for once.
Now, the fate has turned against her, cruel and ironic. She cheated on him, and he doesn't even think her capable of such a thing. Nate blames himself for not telling her about something that happened before they got together, and Blair stays silent about what she's done. She doesn't have any other choice, though.
Because he might not know it, nor suspect it; but at this point, Nate is everything Blair has.
Serena will go away again, eventually and Chuck will always be Chuck; a fleeting excuse for a friendship, convenient association. And Blair doesn't know what she had with Dan, but she knows it wasn't real.
Nate is the only one who is there, really and who stays, always.
When he leaves the next morning, with his suitcase, he hugs her. He whispers in her ear that he loves her, and Blair wants to scream. The door closes behind him, and Blair calls in sick. She lies to her boss about having a virus that will force her to stay the week in, and makes promises that she will take care of everything she ought to from home.
By noon, since she is not in the mood to cook –she is not in the mood to do anything else but mentally punish herself –she orders lunch. The bells ring too soon for it to be her delivery, but Blair is too distracted to think about it. Her breath gets stuck in her lungs when she sees Dan standing on the threshold.
She thinks of slamming the door to his face, but she looks at him and something breaks inside of her.
Dan takes in a breath "Did you find out?" he asks.
Blair huffs.
"If you wanted to hide that you screwed my husband, coming here and ask that is really not the right method, Humphrey"
She still doesn't close the door, and hates herself for it.
"I can explain" Dan says "Let me in, please."
"Go to hell"
And still, the door remains open. Of course, it doesn't get past Dan, so he takes a shy step forward. Blair takes one backward.
"What do you want to explain, exactly?" she asks "You screwed him, and then you tried to screw me, in a petty little revenge for all the times we were mean to you in high school? What's next, getting Serena pregnant?"
Dan walks in, and closes the door behind him.
"Listen" he says "I admit, that when I came to you the first time, it was to find out if Nate had told you about the call. I never thought it was the reason why you believed he cheated on you, or I would have told you"
"And when I did tell you, what stopped you then?"
Blair tries to take an angry tone, but something inside her makes her still believe that Dan is sincere.
"I didn't know what to do, because I realized I was hoping he had cheated on you" Dan says softly. It sounds like a confession "Because if he had, I would feel less guilty about the way I started to feel about you"
Blair breaks the eye contact, looking down, and it doesn't stop the words from echoing in her ears.
"You're a liar" she says "You're a liar, and you made me cheat on my husband"
"I tried to stop you"
"You should have tried harder!" Blair yells "Tell me the truth now: was all the time we spent together strictly about Nate? Are you in love with my husband? Are you that fucked up?"
Dan shakes his head "How can you even ask that, Blair? I tried to apologize to Nate, and he didn't want to hear, I don't give a shit about him anymore" he steps closer to her "Ever since that night, when you came over to the loft and talked to me like I was your friend, you're always on my mind. All the time"
"Am I on your mind when you screw your agent?"
Blair can only answer to his words by more accusations, and she realizes there are lots of them to be thrown in his way. She can't believe she didn't see it before. She doesn't know what has changed.
Dan looks at her, serious and whispers;
"Yes"
Blair sucks in a breath "Yes, what?"
"You were on my mind, when I was with Alessandra"
Blair puts her hand over her eyes, defeated "Stop saying things like that, Humphrey. You're a liar, stop lying to me"
She feels Dan fingers curl around her wrists, and her blood freezes as he brings her hands down, forcing her to look at him.
"I'm not lying, Blair. But you are married, and I made out with your husband when I was nineteen, so I didn't think something could ever happen. I didn't think I would allow myself to let something happen"
He takes her hands in his. Blair can't look away. As much as she wants to, she can't look away.
"The coward in me was happy you made the first move in that jazz club, the other night. It was the same coward that took you home, despite of what your husband would think"
Blair doesn't move when he bends down his head, placing his lips inches above hers.
"It's the same coward that imagines I'm with you, when I'm with another woman"
"You keep lying" Blair says in a breath
"I'm not lying" Dan repeats.
She doesn't know what possesses her to let him kiss her. Blair has been in a passive state ever since he stepped into her foyer. The only moment she snaps out of it, is when Dan takes her by the waist and Blair locks her arms around his neck. It's the same feeling she's had the night she was with him, at his loft. It's fire, and confidence. It's not anger, like she would have expected, or desperation. It's something he is the only one to have ever made her feel.
When they pull away, short of breath, Dan stares at her while she debates the next step. Then she takes his hand in hers and leads him to her bedroom.
There, they kiss again, and Dan's hands roam over all the parts of her body he can reach without having to leave her mouth. He presses her closer, and Blair whimpers on his tongue when she feels him hard through the denim of his jeans.
Blair breaks free because one of them has got to take his dumb jacket off. Dan stands there, breathing heavily, while Blair peels his clothes off him, like a puppet. Then it's different from that night in the loft, because it's the middle of the day and there is no darkness to hide their lies, to hide his nakedness. She makes Dan lay on her bed, and takes the phone of the nightstand to cancel her lunch order.
She looks at him the whole time, lying naked on her conjugal bed. He looks nervous, and it makes her feel satisfied, makes her feel like she is finally in control again.
Blair starts undressing herself, then. She gets rid of her robe, then her nightgown. She sees Dan gulp at the sight of her bare breasts, the ones he touched and even kissed the other night. She sees him get harder. Then Blair pushes down her lace underwear before crawling on top of him. Dan's hands go to settle on her hips and Blair sinks herself onto him slowly.
It would be terribly unromantic, if it weren't solely for the way Dan is looking at her. She wants to tell him to stop, but she doesn't; because she doesn't think she has ever been looked at this way before. She barely feels him when she starts rolling her hips, too focused on his glare. Dan however seems to feel something, because stiff groans leave the back of his throat, and when Blair makes her movement more purposeful, just to hear again, he hisses and his eyelids fall shut.
Blair presses a hand on his chest to keep balance.
"Open your eyes" she says "Look at me"
And he does. He looks at her the same way, except this time it's merged with intense desire.
"Tell me the truth" Blair asks him.
Dan sits up, sending himself deeper into her and Blair gasps then, really feeling him. He kisses her breasts, swallowing around the peak.
"You're always on my mind" he says, his voice like a growl "When I write, when I read, when I cook. When I watch a screwball comedy movie, when I discover a painting, when I listen to jazz. You're like jazz, beautifully messy and purposely unpredictable. You're on my mind when I fuck other women, and when I masturbate after having written a shameful, ridiculous erotic paragraph"
His words combined with his mouth on her skin, and his hips thrusting himself inside of her send Blair into a hazy trance. She lets out a laugh.
"You're a psychopath"
"You made me this way" he answers, biting slightly the peak of her breast.
Blair moans.
"And you made me so much more than what I was" Dan says.
It he says anything else after, Blair doesn't hear, because she feels her climax rising, thorough and intense, until she implodes, pressing him closer to her and clenching around him. Dan groans encouragements into her neck, doesn't stop moving, guides her through her orgasm before he follows her and empties himself inside of her.
He seems spent then, and drawn out of all energy, but he doesn't let go. He doesn't pull out, or away. He stays there, with her, and Blair cannot help the way her hand strokes his curls, affectionate.
It barely occurs to her that she has just had sex with someone that isn't her husband. With Dan Humphrey from Brooklyn, who she thought she knew, then rediscovered before finding out there was even more to him.
She allows him to lie back, eventually, and even then Dan is still looking at her.
Blair rolls off him, and moves around to cover them with the sheets. She lets him rest his head on her chest and his fingertips graze her sweaty skin. They stay there, they don't talk. Blair wonders silently if she really knows him, or if, as usual, she made out an idea of him.
"Talk to me" she says "Tell me who you are"
Dan presses closer to her "I can't. You'll hate me"
"I've hated you for two years in high school. Surely you can handle it, once more"
Dan chuckles "That's the thing. I don't think I could"
"You owe it to me to risk it" Blair says, drier than she would have wanted.
But she doesn't let go of him. She hears him sigh.
"I had been living in London for a year when I published my first short story there" he says "It was in a chic literary magazine, and everyone went crazy about it. I didn't understand why, because to me, the character lacked of depth, and of maturity. I thought it was just a matter of cultural difference."
"Way to passively insult the Brits" Blair says "That's my job, usually"
Dan laughs with her "You're rubbing off on me"
He turns his head to press a kiss on her breast. Blair strokes his back.
"Go on"
"I met Gaspard at a party of a friend of mine. He was working for the Tate Museum at that time. He had read my short story, hadn't liked it. He said the character seemed too immature, and he didn't blame it on the cultural difference. He was the blunt, plain honest. I guess he saw me as a young American away from home who needed guidance into the real world, and I was too self-conscious to think otherwise. He took me to parties, introduced me to established writers. He gave me free pass to museums. I liked him because he wasn't treating me differently than anyone else, but I could see there was something about me that kept him interested"
"Cocky much?"
"Shut up"
Dan props himself up on his hand above her, and kisses her, moving between her legs. Blair tries to push him away.
"Finish the story, Humphrey"
Dan falls back onto her.
"He kissed me one night, and I was so drunk that I let him. Besides, it wasn't the first time that I had drunkenly kissed a man" Blair groaned at that "So I didn't think there would be any arm to it. That night he was different. He was smiling much more than usual, and he told me he was glad he met me. I hadn't talked to anyone in New York, not even my family in so long, that I thought perhaps I could start another life there, with him. So I let him take me home. It was a mistake"
"Why?" Blair asks, eager to know more.
"Because the next morning, he was back to being scornful and despising. But after that night, he never let me go. We didn't tell people about us; there were some rumors, but we never confirmed, nor denied. We never thought it was something to tell, not because we were two men, but because we didn't even know what we were. We saw each other for about four months, then I broke up with him."
"What happened?"
She feels Dan swallow against her chest.
"I had printed out the first draft of my novel to show it to him. He threw it in the fireplace when he was done reading it. He said there was no way he was ever going public about me if I kept writing shit like that"
Blair closes her eyes, feeling sorry for him.
"So I broke it off, and went my own way. He said I wouldn't survive in London without him, but I did. I published more short stories, graduated, then published my novel. When we bumped into each other at parties, he acted like he didn't see me. Then about two years ago, I ran into his former assistant, Emily"
Blair startles at the name.
"She was his assistant?"
Dan nods "She wanted to be a painter, and Gaspard was even harder on her than he was on me. When I met her that day, he had just fired her. I knew she had always had kind of a crush on me, so I couldn't refuse when she asked me out for a drink. Then I really got to know her, to appreciate her. I wasn't in love, but I felt comfortable enough to propose after a few months; I guess I wanted to shake off that Gaspard phase with a common hater."
Then he stops talking. None of what he said made Blair want to hate him, just like he had predicted, so she figures there is more to the story. He doesn't seem to be able to tell it, however.
Blair swallows, hard.
"Did you cheat on her with him?"
Dan props himself up again, to look at her.
"Yes" he says.
Blair doesn't think she has ever been that intuitive before.
"And she found out" Blair says.
Dan confirms with a nod.
"She cried, and hit me, and cried again. She threw me out, filed for divorce. Then I got a call from Vanessa telling me she had been proposed to adapt my novel into a movie. So I thought it was time to come back home, finally. To stop trying to be something I wasn't meant to be"
"And what would that be?" Blair asks.
"Someone free of all established social rules. I used to think New York was eating me from inside. But it's actually the only place I'm able to live in, and really see myself having a shot at happiness."
"You want to be happy?" Blair asks, lifting her hand to graze his cheek. She is mesmerized by his sudden sincerity "That's very un-writer of you"
Dan shrugs "Everyone wants to be happy. People pretending otherwise are either unaware of it, or just hypocrites"
His hands travel from her waist to her thighs, and spread her legs apart, around his hips before he slides inside of her. Blair gasps. She hadn't even noticed he was hard again. Dan moves inside of her, diligent, still looking at her and Blair lets herself go.
When they're sated, he dresses back up while Blair puts simply her robe on. They move to the kitchen. Blair sits, legs crossed, a glass of wine in her hand and she watches him cook. It's the end of the afternoon, and Blair notices for the first time the way the light hits gracefully every corner of the room.
He sits next to her at the table. Not in the opposing seat, but next to her. They feed each other from one plate, and drink from one glass. The intimacy of it all makes Blair a little high.
"I should go, before Nate comes back" Dan says as he washes the plate.
The mention of Nate isn't heavy with guilt, or awkwardness. Perhaps because they both know what this is, and they never pretended he didn't exist, anyway.
Blair shakes her head "He is out of town. He won't come home tonight"
Dan dries off his hands with a cloth.
"Can I stay?" he asks.
Blair purses her lips "I wouldn't tell you my husband wasn't coming home if I didn't want you to stay"
He blinks several times, then smiles. And Blair smiles too.
They watch a movie on the couch, until Dan yawns. He gets down in his underwear, and gets into her bed with her. Blair falls asleep with his body tangled with hers.
When she wakes up, Dan is staring at her looking confused. Blair groans.
"What?" she asks
"I want to write" Dan answers "But I don't want to leave you"
"Then go get your laptop, and come back" Blair turns in the bed, determined to fall back asleep. She feels Dan's hand on her hip.
"Really?" he asks "Are you sure?"
Blair nods "And take some clothes, too"
Dan leaves the bed without any other words. When he comes back, Blair is still in it but she is fully awake. Dan has a bag with him, and he changed.
"How long is he gone for?" Dan asks.
"A week" Blair answers.
Dan nods "And you want me here, for this whole week?"
"I do" Blair says.
She holds up her arms. Dan drops his bag to go sit on the bed next to her, to take her in his arms, and kiss her. Blair has the confirmation then, that there is no place left for regrets within her anymore.
The next chapter is basically their whole week together, being perfect and fluffy (and smutty). And the drama is back on in the one after that. And when I say drama, I mean drama.
Anyway, I would really like to hear what you think. To be honest, I'm a little nervous. But I still love all my reviewers and readers.
Love, xo.