Hi lovelies! I know, I'm horrible for making you guys wait so long. I just really haven't had a lot of time on my hands to write and correct.
This chapter is a wild one, quite long and with only two Dair scenes, so I hope you won't find it boring. Also, I keep wanting to remind you guys that I said there was going to be lots of drama and stuff, and I know it musn't be easy to keep up considering I update about once a month. I hope you're still with me though. Anyway, have a good reading :)
Being in love with Dan is like being in love with life again.
It intangibly makes everything better, perhaps even brighter, gives Blair a soulful breathing. She has never been so passionate about her work, because she wants Dan to like it. The smile that he creates on her lips lingers all day, surprise her coworkers and Nate. Being in love with Dan makes her believe in friendship again, and it makes things easier with Nate.
Being in love with Dan is like rediscovering all that she loves after having lost her memory.
She usually stops by his loft after work, it's the only place they see each other at, with the exception of The Morgan on Sundays. He is always waiting for her with a pastry, or a new book, or a new record. He kisses her hello so freely, so normally that Blair forgets each time it shouldn't be her life. He makes love to her on the kitchen counter –having gotten finally used to the idea, even liking it a bit more than her –on his couch, in his bed.
Blair closes her eyes, laughs, tries to print the feeling of him inside of her in her mind, and comes loudly, for all Brooklyn to hear.
Then she goes home to Nate, and nothing feels weird, bitter, or dangerous. She is simply happy.
Two days before the launch of her exhibit, even though she specifically put a sign on her door not to be disturbed, there is a knock at her office. She knows it's not Dan, because he has a meeting, and she isn't interested in stopping her work for anyone else. But the knocking is persistent, so she goes to open the door, ready to scream her annoyance at the intruder's face, and stops short. Nate is there with a takeout bag and two cups of coffee. She lets him in once the shock has passed.
"Nate" she smiles, surprisingly genuine "What a nice surprise"
He smiles too, puts the coffees on her desk.
"I haven't done this in a while, coming to see you at work" he says, handing her the bag "I thought it would be nice to take back the good habits"
"I'm glad you did" Blair hums the steak in the bag "I was starving, and I didn't think I'd have time to go eat. My assistant is on break and I haven't found the time to hire a replacement"
Because she spends all of her free time with Dan.
"Is everything ready for the big night?" Nate asks, taking a seat at her desk.
Blair nods "Everything is coming along really well. I think it's going to be a very unique exhibit. The director of Kelvingrove is attending the opening"
Nate chuckles, while they put away her papers and set everything ready to eat.
"Is it supposed to be a big deal?" he asks
"Not really, it's just nice" Blair shrugs "But I don't want to bother you with this on your break"
"Tell me" Nate immediately replies. He looks at her with soft eyes "One of us has the chance of having an interesting job, you should tell me more about it"
It's the kind of things that Nate has been doing recently, that rocks Blair's boat of blissfulness. He is making efforts to reconnect with her, purposely trying to show her that he's still there, that he is glad to be her husband. Only in those moments, Blair feels the guilt creep up.
She does as he asks, and tells him about the exhibit just like she would do with Serena or Chuck, meaning someone uneducated about the matter. He watches her the whole time, nodding, displaying his interest. Blair can't deny she likes it. After they are done eating, he stands up, glancing at his watch. Blair stands up to and rounds her desk, ready to escort him to the door. To her surprise, he puts his hand on her hip and turns to lock the door up.
He looks back at her, his other hand finds the other side of her waist.
"Remember what we used to do at the beginning, when I visited you here?"
Blair remembers, but before she can answer anything, he leans down to kiss her. It's the first time they've kissed ever since she found out about him and Dan. It's only when her lips are on Nate's, moving the way they would move against Dan's that she feels like a cheater, completely. She doesn't close her eyes, and pushes him slightly away.
"I can't" she says, trying to look relaxed; she even manages a smile "I have work to do"
"So do I" Nate grins at her.
He backs her up against her desk, and makes her sit on it, legs spread so he can stand between them. His head rests in the crook of her neck, his mouth and nose breathing hard on her skin.
"It's been so long, Blair" he whispers "I want you"
"But…work…" she attempts.
He leans back up for her lips, swallowing her protests. Blair has about a thousand reasons not to respond, but she can't share any of them with him. So she leans back on her desk and lets his hands graze up her stockings, under her skirt.
She doesn't go to Dan's after work that day, she pretends she has food poisoning. He is disappointed that he won't get to see her before the launching of the exhibit, and Blair can match his sentiment. He won't be coming to the party, they both know it would be a bad idea for the two of them to be in the same room as Nate, and before that she'll be so busy she'll hardly have time for anyone. But she wouldn't have known how to look him in the eyes, sitting on his couch at the loft, and smile at him and laugh with him after what happened in her office.
Nate is her husband, but Blair realizes she feels like she is cheating on Dan. How inappropriate.
The day of the launch, Blair spends it at the museum. She does what she usually does on days like this; wakes up early, puts on a comfortable outfit and gets ready to leave her apartment with the files under one arm. She gets to the kitchen to pick up coffee, finds a note on the microwave.
You don't need me to tell you good luck. See you tonight, love, N.
Inside the microwave, he packed her breakfast –large latte, croissants and a bacon sandwich. And that sneaky bastard went back to bed afterward. Blair takes her bag, and leaves the apartment with a smile.
She has to be a bit everywhere, because several artworks are being hung at the same time and there is always a mistake or two as to the emplacement of each. Either that, or Blair sees it up, doesn't like it, and makes the workers do it all over again with a new plan she scribbled in red above the former one. She is meticulously checking that every description is the one suiting the art they are sticking next to on the walls when she gets disturbed.
"Blair, Blair, how is it going?"
Blair presses her eyes shut, slightly annoyed to hear her boss's voice. She leans up, and turns around. He is standing there with a smile –which doesn't mean he is in a good mood –and he is not alone. Gaspard is looking at her, standing next to him with a smile. It takes all of her power not to roll her eyes.
"Everything is going fine, Mr. Director"
"Good, good. You two already know each other, obviously." He puts his hand on Gaspard's back, waves the other at Blair "Did you know that I was the one to get him his first job at the Tate Museum, about six years ago?"
Six years ago, when he met Dan. Blair forces a smile.
"How nice"
"I could see there was something about him, just like I saw it in you. And look at him now, managing one of the greatest museums in the world. So when he asked if he could have a preview of the exhibit, I obviously couldn't refuse"
"Mr. Director" Blair steps forward as he steps away "I'm very busy, right now. Perhaps Mr. Levalois can come back tonight, like everybody else"
"Or perhaps you can do as you're asked" the director answers, not hiding behind any smile anymore.
He leaves, and Blair stands watching his back. She only turns when she hears Gaspard chuckle and finds him going over her the artworks list.
Blair snatches it from him "Get lost"
"You know, I had heard of your exhibits" he says, unshaken "But I never bothered to come and see, when I was in town. I should have" He gives a brief sigh "I want to take you to coffee. Take a break"
"I'm not taking coffee with you" Blair crosses her arms as if to illustrate her determination.
Gaspard steps closer, and anchors his green eyes in hers. It makes Blair uncomfortable, she feels like he is about to threaten her or blackmail her again.
"Please" he says.
Blair cannot help the frown she gets. Curiosity runs through her, and her arms unlink. Hoping she won't regret her decision, she shows him to follow her to the museum's staff room that she knows will be empty.
Once they both have a cup in front of them, Blair is glad Gaspard doesn't pretend he doesn't want to talk about Dan. She is less pleased by the question.
"Is everything better between you and Daniel?"
Being asked about her relationship with Dan doesn't usually scare Blair anymore. She keeps trying to remind herself that she should be scared, frightened even, considering her social and public status. But everything about Gaspard throws her off, and she gets tense at the interrogatory. For a second, she thinks he can read her mind, all of her internal conflicts as to how sleeping with Nate again makes her avoid Dan.
"What do you mean?" she asks back.
"Last time we saw each other, you wished me to rot in hell with him. What did he do? Did he write something terrible about you?"
"No" Blair says, not showing her relief "He didn't do anything that bad. I'm a pretty heated person"
Gaspard nods "I can see that. So everything is good again between the two of you?"
"Everything is fine. Why are you asking?"
"Remember when I said I had been trying to contact him, before coming to New York?"
Blair nods, interested. She can see something shifted in Gaspard. Like he is dropping his mask, and finally getting real with her. She wants to know what he wants with Dan, if it's not screw him over again.
"The night of your promotion party" Gaspard continues "I told him we should get together to talk. He refused. I need you to convince him otherwise"
"I am not a counselor" Blair rolls her eyes "And he has good reasons not to want to see you"
Gaspard smiles again, making Blair wonder if he ever takes anything seriously.
"So he did tell you what happened between us" he says "In that case, perhaps you can pass the message that I actually wish to apologize, for everything that went down all those years ago and a bit more recently"
Blair didn't expect him to say that. She stares cautiously at him, trying to figure out if he is honest or not. She gets stuck on his enigmatic grin.
"Did you have an epiphany?" she asks skeptical. "Are you trying to suddenly become a better man?"
Gaspard shrugs carelessly "Something like that. About the epiphany, not about being a better man. I'm perfectly happy the way I am"
"I bet you are"
"I want him back"
The only thing Blair feels are her lungs crisping.
"Why?"
"I wish I could say it's because no one ever loved me the way he did" Gaspard shakes his head "But the truth is, I think he is the only one who's ever loved me at all. I want that back"
It's not true, Blair knows it. It's just what Gaspard thinks, because it's what Dan does; show people a kind of love they didn't know existed, to the point of blacking out any kind that has come before. Blair pities Gaspard. Rather than feeling jealous, protective or possessive over Dan, she feels sorry for Gaspard. She knows he has hurt Dan too much for him to come back his way.
"I'll see what I can do" she says "I can try to convince him to talk to you, but the two of you aren't getting back together, you can erase that fantasy"
"Why is that?" Gaspard asks, interested.
"Because I won't let it happen" she swallows, taking in the extent of her declaration "I won't let you get the chance to destroy his life once more. But I want him to get closure, so I'll talk to him"
Gaspard's smile is back when he leaves her. Blair doesn't call Dan at all that day, to avoid having to tell him about her conversation with Gaspard. It hasn't gone past her that the relationship they had was a graver version of what she had with Chuck in high school. Blair puts herself in Dan's shoes easier then, and she is scared of what will happen if Gaspard does apologize. If there is something she got about Dan, it's that he likes the uniqueness of certain things, the way they stand out, and she knows what he had with Gaspard was the single most unique experienced he's ever lived.
So she knows it would be too easy to fall back, relapse. She knows because he is her unique experience, and if she had to do it all over again –hating him, ignoring him, discovering him, liking him, falling in love with him –she would, without a single breath of hesitation.
Everyone that is everyone is there that night, at the launch party. Everyone except Serena who is in the Bahamas, but Blair barely notices. She is always too busy to let herself get hurt by it, or to face the reality that she hasn't been a very good friend toward her lately. But it's not like Serena could hold the trophy for best friend either. Blair's judgment had been right about her; she did go away again, in the end.
The night is going well and strong when she gets a text from Dan, telling her to join him in the Degas room. Blair stops breathing. She glances at Nate talking with the Mayor, and at Gaspard talking with the Director. Dan is careless, she thinks, but she can't help the way her heart pumps in the anticipation of seeing him when she leaves discreetly.
She finds him in the darkness, leaning against a wall, surrounded by silent paintings, smiling.
"Hey" he says softly
"How did you get in here?" she asks.
"I gave a hundred to the security guard" he answers, holding out his hand for her to take it.
She does, and he pulls her against him.
"Remind me to fire him"
Dan laughs, looking down at her so fondly that she has to look away.
"You shouldn't be here" she says, putting her ear against his heart "People could see us"
"They'll assume you just went away to fix something, relax"
Dan's hands graze down her arms to take hers. He weaves their fingers together, and bows his head to lure hers up.
"I missed you" he whispers, breath on her lips.
"Wait" Blair pulls slightly away, before he can kiss her.
He doesn't wait, just presses his lips on hers. Blair allows herself to get lost in the moment for only a few seconds before stepping away. Dan leans against the wall, confused.
"What is it?"
Her heart is in her throat, pounding in a way she doesn't recall it has before. She takes one deep breath, trying to find control while glaring into his eyes.
"I slept with Nate"
Dan's eyes stretch for one second "Oh. Okay"
"You're not mad?"
She asks because she wants to be sure. Dan gives a little shrug, and he doesn't seem mad. He even laughs a little.
"He is your husband" Dan says "I don't think it would be my place to get mad. Besides, you never promised me anything and…I don't want you to do something you're not ready for"
"Like what?"
Blair knows what he means, but it's time one of them brings up the subject. Dan steps away from the wall, his hands plunging into his pockets.
"Getting divorced is never easy, Blair. Especially if you've loved him since you were a little girl, I would assume"
This word, divorce. Blair has been trying to avoid thinking about it for so long. She has feared it for so long. Even more now that she has a legitimate reason to think about it.
"So…you're saying you'll wait for me?" she asks, not helping wanting to test him.
"As long as it takes" Dan reaches out with one arm to pull her against him again. He kisses her fiercely to prove his point. "I'm not going anywhere"
"Even if I keep sleeping with him?" she asks, pushing again, she doesn't know why.
"Even if it means that, yes"
"How come?"
She has to know why it doesn't bother him more.
"I don't just want to be the only one in your bed, Blair" Dan says, stroking her cheek "I also want to be the only one in your heart. And I won't have one, without the other" He kisses her again, softer "Figure everything out. And when it's done, come find me. We'll start everything all over again. Together"
Blair thinks it's the first time someone has ever trusted her as much. She is afraid not to deserve it. But to thank him, she kisses him again, and again.
She stops by the bathroom before returning to the party. When she opens the door, hair fixed, lipstick back on, she doesn't expect to see Chuck waiting outside.
"Chuck" she smiles, attempting to look normal.
Then she remembers she never smiles at him. He sees something is up, she knows it.
"I was going to go" he says softly "I just wanted to congratulate you, and say goodnight"
"Oh, well. Thank you for coming"
"Also, I have the results of the investigation you asked"
Blair doesn't understand at first. Then she remembers. Emily McQueen, Dan's ex-wife that she asked Chuck to investigate when she thought Dan had slept with her husband behind her back.
Fuck.
"I don't need it anymore" Blair says, waving "I took care of everything"
Chuck stares at her. He is so onto her, she can feel his glare pierce her mind.
"Trust me, you'll want to know about this" he finally says "Stop by my office tomorrow afternoon at three"
After that, nothing feels right nor safe anymore, that night.
Blair is at The Empire at three in the afternoon, the following day and Chuck is ready to receive her. In the middle of his work day, Blair is more than surprised to find him staring at the city through the glass wall of his office, his jacket off, cigarette in one hand and the other in his pocket.
Because she wants to know what to expect, if she should brace herself, Blair examines his face, tries to find a clue. She gets distracted by what she sees. Chuck looks tired. She doesn't think she has ever seen him display such an attitude. She knows him blasé, she knows him angry, she knows him petty and manipulative.
Today, he looks tired, and oddly so, normal.
He shows Blair to sit down and has his secretary bring her a bottle of water while he finishes his cigarette. Then he sits behind his desk, as if ready to talk to a client, and pulls out from a drawer a manila file. He puts it in front of him, but doesn't open it. He doesn't look up from it to Blair either.
"I'm going to talk" he says "And I'd like you to listen"
His eyes go up, and settle on her. Blair wants to stand up and run away. She nods instead.
"You asked me to conduct an investigation on Gaspard Levalois, 'good enough for blackmail' you said and made me promise that if I were to find something strange about Humphrey, I wouldn't use it" Chuck talks quietly and intelligibly "Then you tell me to drop it, and to focus on his ex-wife instead. What I found out is that Emily McQueen used to work for Levalois, that she and Humphrey married roughly a year after he published his first novel and a few months after Levalois had fired her. A little less than a year ago, she and Humphrey divorced, after eight months of marriage. She was the one asking for it, along with a restraining order against Levalois"
Chuck pauses and seems to wait for a reaction from her. He has started the revelations like a recapitulative, like he knew he was saying something Blair was already aware of. It's not until the mention of the restraining order that his voice took a cautious tone. Blair is on her part confused, but the one thing she understands is that there is no need to try and deny it. At that moment, Blair understands that Chuck is indeed onto her, and he has been for a while. She can see he sees it too, still, he doesn't stop his tale.
"It doesn't take a genius to connect the dots" Chuck murmurs "The hypothesis gets confirmed by the rumors that seem to be running around in London about Levalois and Humphrey. The only mystery there was why you would be interested in knowing all of this. Then when it's remembered that you went off the radar for a week, when Nate was in Washington and that you decide to drop the case just like that, something else becomes very obvious"
Blair still isn't talking. She doesn't think there is anything to say, really.
"You should be more careful, Blair" Chuck says after a beat "Unless you want it to blow up in your face"
"Don't do this, Chuck" Blair shakes her head "Don't…don't act like it doesn't bother you to know that I…"
She can't bring herself to say it. She can't say I'm having an affair, because it feels like anything but; and she can't say I'm cheating on Nate because Chuck was the first one to witness her rage when she thought Nate had betrayed her this exact way.
"Don't act all supportive, or understanding, or whatever the fuck you're trying to do here to pretend you're not satisfied about it"
"I'm not" Chuck simply says
Blair is shaking "You're probably already thinking of a thousand ways to use it against me"
"I'm not, Blair" Chuck shakes his head this time.
"You never believed in me and Nate"
Chuck opens his mouth, and then closes it. Then he speaks.
"I slept with Serena"
Blair's mind goes blank. She blinks, forgetting all about cheating, and affairs, and unexplained restraining orders because it seems like what Chuck just said was the only thing that could finish turning her world upside down. She wants to ask if she heard right, but she can't find her voice. Chuck reads her mind.
"It happened last month, a bit after I gave you the results of the investigation on Nate" he says "She stopped by the office late at night, she was already drunk from some cocktail party"
"You…" Blair swallows heavily "That's not an excuse. You weren't drunk"
Chuck looks down. Blair straightens in her chair in expectation, because Chuck is making this face; the one before he makes a confession. Blair sees him then, eighteen, wasted, standing on the edge of a roof, on the edge of his life. I'm Chuck Bass, and nobody cares.
"I was lonely" he says.
He doesn't sound broken, or sad; just painfully realistic. Before Blair can say anything, he goes on.
"All those years, I thought I was jealous of you and Nate because I was still in love with you. What happened with Serena made me realize that I was jealous that you two had each other, and I have no one. Especially when she never talked to me again after that, and left to The Bahamas."
Putting a hand on her face, Blair remembers the day Serena stopped by her place, during that week with Dan, and said she needed to talk. Blair had gotten scared, had thrown her out. She realizes now Serena was probably the most scared of them.
"I don't know what to say" she tells Chuck, deciding to be honest.
"I don't want you to say anything" Chuck replies "I told you this because I want you to understand that it's not because you think you know someone that you actually do"
The way he looks at her indicates the conversation is back on her and Dan. He takes the manila file, and pushes it toward her.
"Before Emily McQueen asked for a divorce and a restraining order, she was admitted to the hospital. She had fallen down the stairs of her building. It resulted in the interruption of a two months pregnancy"
Blair's hand stops on the way to the file. Chuck almost looks sorry at her reaction.
"I don't know what you got yourself into, Blair" he says "But you should get out of it, before it's too late. Not for your reputation, not for your marriage with Nate. For your sake. That's what I meant, when I told you to be careful"
When Blair can move again, she takes the file with her and leaves the office without a word, rush. In the cab on the way to Brooklyn, she opens the file, just to be sure. There is indeed a medical report of a miscarriage of one Emily McQueen.
She pounds on the door of the loft until it opens. Dan smiles at first, but his traits fall when he sees her breathing heavily. Blair makes her way inside, and hears him close the door before she can gather enough courage to turn around and face him.
"Why didn't you tell me Emily was pregnant?"
Dan doesn't have any expression, and he doesn't talk for an instant. When he does, it's not to answer the question.
"You had me investigated?"
"Not you, her" Blair says "Answer me. Why didn't you tell me?"
Then he looks angry. Blair cannot tell if it's with her or with himself. Certainly a bit of both.
"Because you would have hated me, then, knowing what you went through"
"Did Gaspard hurt her? I know about the restraining order"
Blair wants to know if Chuck is right. She wants to know if she got into something that would end up being more dangerous than the break of a vow. Dan is quick to shake his head.
"No, it's not like that" he says, tense "She found us together at the apartment and she ran away and tripped in the stairs."
It doesn't seem easy for him to be reliving the memory. Blair can see he regrets, and she is sorry for that. But she also doesn't want to be in his position one day, so she asks the question that she fears the most the answer to.
"Did you know she was pregnant?"
"I didn't, I swear" Dan closes the distance between them "I wouldn't have…I wouldn't…"
He trails off, waiting for her to react. Blair believes him, and she can see he is scared, and hurt and sorry. She takes him by the shirt and pulls him closer.
"I want you to stop hiding things from me, Dan" she says.
He nods, looking a bit relieved.
"Is that all?" she asks "Do I know everything? Is there anything else you haven't told me?"
"I love you"
Blair's fingers release his shirt.
"You don't have to say that to make things better" she manages to say through her tight throat.
"I'm not. I was going to tell you, the night of the exhibit" Dan replies "But then you told me about you and Nate, and I didn't want you to think that I was trying to force your decision. But I do love you, Blair. I'm in love with you. I'm not sure what to do about it"
He looks lost, but confident at the same time. He looks sincere too. Blair had never been told that without having hoped desperately for it before.
"Just do it, then" she tells him and she kisses him, because he is in love with her.
That day, Blair decides that there is no shame in being to be happy, and that she is going to keep letting Dan making her. She doesn't want to think of the new downfall of her relationship with Serena, of Gaspard's true intentions, of Chuck knowing her secret. She doesn't want to think that one day, she'll have to make a decision. Blair just wants to finally feel what she had always wanted, and settled for a cloudy adaptation of instead: real happiness.
She is so focused on doing just that, that she doesn't notice right away when she misses her periods.
I'm really worried that you guys find it confusing, tell me what you think, honestly. Two chapters to go! And still so many things to happen! Bear with me?
I'll still love you guys anyways ;)
xo